Single Serving Sally

So tired.  So unhappy.  So depressed.  So starving hungry.  I am so sick and tired of single serving meals.  I call it single serving Sally only because it rhymes.  I want so much to be able to cook real food and eat real food.  I am fed-up with having to live off of $1 pizza and ramen noodles because it is the only thing I can afford.  I long for a real kitchen where I can put dishes, cook, bake bread, and dessert.

My whole body aches everyday.  It is debilitating.

Someone placed a hidden camera in the radio and das of my car.  I know it because I can see it.  I’ve covered it up because I am tired of being seen without my permission.  Also, I choose NOT to be looked at, or spied upon, or viewed, or any of it.

I could go on forever.  Too tired.

People have no idea the harm they do when they deliver news to me.  People do not and have not taken into account my mental health and happiness.

Friend

I am brain tired.  I am more tired than I can afford to recover from.  I am more tired than I am allowed to recover from.

Something seems off.  Maybe everything is right and ok, but I need to wait and make sure trouble, chaos, harm, and mischief do not find me.

Otherwise, I would make a purchase.  Otherwise, I would do…as a normal person would…as I used to do and be.

Love, Come On?!

Here are some of the things I know about love – or even like for that matter.  If a man loves a woman, he does so in person.  He does not call it in, he does not use a proxy, he does not allow another man to use or touch her.

If a man believes he has found the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with, he does not wait.  He would not want to spend a single minute apart from her.  He would not want to spend years of his life away from her.  He would not lie to her, and string her along for the sake of an audience.

I cannot live in the past any longer as if it was the best part of me.  As if the best years of my life have been lived already with nothing left.

There are some hurts, some pains, and some deceptions that I am unable to pretend did not exist.  It changes your perception of a person.  It alters – everything.

When a person no longer smiles, or laughs, or takes care of themselves the way they used to it is a tell, a sign.  And, it is not a good one.

Anymore, every day I would rather flay the very skin off my face and body than be alive.

But, guess what.  No one cares about my feelings, wants, or needs.

Fucking Suicidal

I wanted to write about how terrible my life is.  I wanted to write and to document the abuse, the manipulation, the unspoken pressure, the torture I am living in, but what is the point when nothing I write here actually changes anything.

I change my driving route, the gas station, the soap, the I walk into work, but nothing changes anything.  Everything stays exactly the same.

I should be able to tell a man no.  I should be able to say I don’t want to be a part of your family.  I should be able to get another job that I can actually live off of.  I should be able to keep a man out of my life that I dumped years ago.  I should be able to say I never want to see, or talk to you ever again David Wolfe.  I should be able to say I never want to know Edison outside of his disguise which is why I pretended I didn’t see you or David when I was at Home Depot.  I should be able to say I never want to see, talk, or know James Franco ever again.

I should be able to have some say in my life, who is allowed to see me, and who I want to spend time with and what man I want to spend my life with…but, I don’t.

I would rather die than continue living like this.

No one cares.  Everyone at my job is there to laugh at me and make fun of me including every celebrity and famous person I have ever seen or talked to.

I have no means to get control over my life again or anymore, so I would rather die.

It’s not like anyone reads this anyway.

My life has been nothing but a lie and a deception since 2012.

The last thing I need is someone else’s deadline, goal, or timetable I have to meet instead of being able to make decisions myself.

Someone stuck a receiver in my head or stomach so they can hear my thoughts, or I am a crazy person either way I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.  I don’t see a point living like this.

The world is better off without me.  Adios.

No Means No!

You don’t even play by your own rules!  Driving past Shoe Mountain is an automatic beard which is to say a man.  I shouldn’t even have to drive to Painted Turtle.  I choose the stop sign because I sick to death of entry into my home – DONE!

I have just begun to write about my experiences.

No means no!!!  How many years do I have to say no to that same midget!!!!  I dumped him for a reason.

That tire has no place in my life anymore.  I am not going back anymore!  I am not driving backwards anymore!

I am tired of having to change for everyone else!  I am tired of having to make concessions for everyone else!

I saw her face, I am a believer, I would never ask you to leave her even if I cried!!!  Stop stringing me along proclaiming love and marriage when I saw her face I know you are in love with her James Franco and I couldn’t be happier for you.  Now stay out of my life!

I saw you, David Wolfe making out with her in the waves at the beach.  I couldn’t be happier for you both now stay out of my life!  You have no idea what you are doing if you think for a moment I EVER fell for that short midget!!  I dumped him!  What a hideous thing to do to someone!  I will never be able to think, see, or feel the same about you ever again!!

You don’t even play by your own rules!

This Monday

There is hardly any time left in a day when you work a 10 hour shift, or a 12 hour shift when you include my drive time as well.  Then, to come home to clean the litter box, take out the trash, vacuum the floor, do the laundry, clean the kitchen, do the dishes – oh yeah, did I eat yet?!

I cannot create when I am not comfortable.  I don’t know anyone who works that way.  Have you ever heard of the notion of nurturing talent?  Breaking a person down is hardly a motivator, nor is it any way to garner anything, really.

My mind is broken.  I have been over-used to such an extent my mind is quite literally broken, and my body is in constant pain as a means to cope.

My brain works, but my mind is not where it once was.

James Franco – I saw her and I turned off my air purifier/light because I did not want there to be any confusion.  I am not in love with you or even in like with you.  I want nothing to do with you.  I changed the light bulb because I saw her.  Congratulations, I am happy for you both.  Now, leave me alone, so I can be loved by a man who will actually show up in person to see me and not simply phone it in.  Leave me alone so that I am no longer used by a man who is only pretending an affair.  I deserve to be loved by a man who is not sharing me with other men.  I deserve to be protected by a man and not used as a device.

David – I don’t see it that way.  This I cannot get over, and you should have known that when you did it.

I cannot go back any longer to the way things have been produced, performed, and set-up.

I am not in love with any man.

I don’t have time for this anymore today.