Being led by a carrot, for years now, dangling the possibility of a man who wants me…and it has been too long.
Too much supposed fantasy that I am supposed to believe.
You have both left me alone for too long now.
From the day D left my life to go to FSU my world has never been the same. I have missed him – everyday. I am so happy for him. I am so happy he has love and success in his life.
Who I am is different when I am around him. He opens up a part of me just being near me.
I walked into a Starbucks one day and as soon as my eyes looked up, I swear I saw him. It was just as natural as breathing, I started to walk over to him to say hello to an old friend. But, as soon as I got within feet of him a wall shut down in front of me as I was reminded of the last time we communicated. He told me I was crazy and delusional for knowing it was him on the street near my home.
See, I just wanted to know if he wanted to talk to me since he was so clearly aware of where I was and trying to see me. But, when I confronted him he decided to deny it. So, I went along with it and apologized for intruding on his life.
But, he kept reappearing. Driving by on his motorcycle or in cars, I saw him all the time. I knew it was him and I didn’t say anything until it became too much. Then, I would contact him. Did you want to talk?
Nothing. Ever. So, I stopped.
I learned he didn’t want to talk to me. See, he could have told me he was happily married, and I would have been surprised but happy for him. He was a friend before anything else.
I look back at a picture I have of us. It was a cast photo and D bent down to have his face next to mine, and I instinctively grabbed his face and literally squealed with glee. The best to me is not only the over-abundant joy and happiness his bending toward me had, but the look on other people’s faces in the picture. As they are almost relieved with happiness.
D has meant the world to me. At times when I have felt so absolutely alone, and abandoned it was his name and the thought of him that was whispered to me, comforted me.
But, I am tired of pretending. I am tired of playing along.
J, I don’t believe you anymore.
You also have left me alone for too long. Trying to make me believe in you while keeping me alone and unhappy while you got to carry on with your life – free as a bird.
Please, do me a favor and leave me alone.
I am happy for you. I am happy for all the times I spoken with you and known you.
Go live your life.
I am a million miles away from you. Our worlds will never align. I mean it, please go. Because I cannot continue to live like this.
God bless, please be happy without me. As I know, you will be.
You see, I have just been left alone for too long now.
Left alone and surrounded by women. No wonder I am miserable.