Shame – The Color Of My World

So, what’s the worst thing that can happen when you try dating, or on-line dating?!  You get robbed, raped, or murdered?  Nope, the worst thing that can happen is skin suits.  Someone pretending to be someone else while wearing a skin suit.

I spent a year on-line dating trying to understand why every guy I tried going out with had problems.  It was more than this one was too fat, or this one had small hands, or this one smelled of turnips.

I would show up at these meets and I tried, I really, really tried because I had been so unbearably lonesome while taking care of my mother.  There was a part of me missing, unfulfilled, and unsatisfied.  I don’t just mean sexually.  I mean a part of myself that was sad and dead from loneliness.

Because I really wanted to find a man to spend the rest of my life with.  Because I’m middle-aged I think it’s about time I was important enough to one man he would want to keep me for the rest of his life.

But, these dates were a sham and a total set-up.  So, I couldn’t respond well to them.  Moving on to the next one, but it was the same thing all over again.

Finally, I forced myself to go all the way.  To prove to myself that it wasn’t me that I was ok.  To prove the rejection of one man’s friendship was not the end of me.

Until, I discovered that he was not who or what he said he was.  Worst of all that he was wearing a skin suit the whole time.

Rage, anger, disappointment, hurt, betrayal, sick-to-my-stomach shame and humiliation consumed me and colored my whole world.

I have never been able to get over the disgrace of that event.  I am reminded of it every day.

I have discovered I will never be able to heal from the horror of that realization.  It has been several years now it has caused a shut-down in my entire body, mind, spirit, and soul.

What I once that I wanted to do and be – no longer exists.

The person I once was – I will never be able to be or live again.

I do not even believe it is possible for me to love a man ever again.

All desire has left me.

All want and wanting has left me.

All passion, all emotion, all happiness has left me.

I cannot even imagine a man ever touching me again.

It is worse than being raped.  It is more like living every moment while being raped.  As if my very skin is an announcement of my shame while having to live my life.

I have given up entirely on any notion of men, dating, or marriage.  It has simply gone from me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s