I Was Never Any Good At It Anyway

I woke up in the dark today.

There was a time in my life when all I wanted was to act, direct, write, produce, sing, dance all of it.  Then, life happened to me, and I grew older and the bills grew bigger than I could keep up with.  And, I put childish notions of a life bigger than the one I was already living away.  Plus, I have seen video of my own performances, and I was never any good.  I just thought I was better than I was.

Then, reality happened to me, and I know with certainty I will never want to be apart of the lime-light, or even be apart of anyone famous, or a celebrities life in any way.  Of my own free-will I will never choose it again.  If my job is not dependant upon it, if my lively-hood is not threatened from being cut off, I would and will never choose it again.

2012 happened to me.  One of the worst years of my life.  Just when I thought my life was going to start being different, just when I thought I could begin living a full life all my careful planning went away.

Is it decompression that happens?  When a solider goes to war they have to decompress after which can take years.

I feel I need to decompress.  I feel all I am capable of anymore is lying in bed since I can fall asleep within minutes at any time even on my lunch break at work.  Wake up after more than just 2, 3, or 4 hours of sleep, have something to eat, take a shower, and go back to sleep again.  And, that is a lot because I really don’t even want to get out of my pajama’s most days.  Shut the world out.  Take ever bit of hidden meaning with it.  This is not a life lived the way I have had to earn money these last few years.  Because there isn’t any reason why companies, any company wouldn’t hire me, or interview me.  So, that I could earn a living on my own, and have to constantly figure out how to solve the problems that keep spitting in my face and destroying my life.

I have been unable since 2012 to build a life with any future.  That is what people do, they make goals to work towards.  Yet, I have been unable in nearly three years to even buy simple things like new clothing.  All my money and paychecks get spent before I get paid.  Purposeful problems happen to me that I have to correct.

My brain feels like a thin wire that’s been severed, but the current is still running, zapping randomly because it no longer has its protective sheathing.

I want to go back to sleep, or do anything that will shut my brain off and remove me from this existence.  It is not worth being alive for.

I wish I had never met you, David Wolfe.  I used to remember college with fondness, however these last few years have shown me you are different than I ever could have imagined.  Regardless, of what I do or buy, the truth is I wish I had never met you.  My heart remains unmoved from regret of knowing you.  I would never wish upon my worst enemy even one of the things that has happened to me since 2012.

There is this stupidness of soft or hard, wet or dry, dog or cat or horse, the list goes on.  It is the dumbest thing anyone could ever imagine.  Because skin is soft – it should be either for a man or a woman.  Women are maternal they are hard-wired that way.  I am a woman, I was born a woman, will always be a woman, and never wanted to be anything else.  Skin is not meant to remain in constant wetness, it was not designed to remain underwater, or in constant wetness.  A human cannot mimic, model, or in any other form copy themselves after an animal.  Humans are a higher form of being than an animal.  And, God made us in His image – not after an animals.

Regardless, of what I do or buy – the truth is – I wish I had never met you, David.