Here Is My Crime

Here is my crime for which I have been punished into exile and isolation for years now – I wanted to feel sexually wanted by a man, I wanted to be loved by a man, and I wanted be in love with that man until the day I died.

I no longer cry for you of my own free will David Wolfe.  I have God moments where God whispered your name to me and others that I do not have time or the money to share right now.  But, all I wanted was to be able to tell you how much you meant to me in college that all the yelling and screaming did not stop be from wanted to be near you.  Because when you laughed at my blow job joke in reference to size does matter because my jaw does not come un-hinged – I saw something so beautiful in you I have never forgotten it.

I looked David up on the internet to find out who he was, his life, and his love.  I did it in part because I was so outside of the world I had no idea how Facebook, messaging or any of that worked or looked.  I did it in part because when I did enter the world again I did not want to be surprised by technology.  I wanted to be informed and not stupid.  I did not see any harm in looking about David or his family, or any of my former classmates or friends I had before.  It was on the internet for anyone to see, and my heart and intent NEVER came from harm.  Which is why when it appeared I was causing a problem between David and his girlfriend – I unfriended him.  At the expense of my own heart break it is better for us to not be friends if it causes him a loss in love in any way – that is how I felt at the time.  However, I wish never looked David up.

I don’t know how James Franco got to re-invent the meaning of a beard which as I always understood it to be before was a cover, or a person being used as a front for a relationship.

I HAVE NOT NOW NOR EVER WANTED OR NEEDED ANY PERSON TO PRETEND ANY RELATIONSHIP.

I wanted to feel sexually desirable after caring for my mother which kept me out of a life for years, after losing so much weight I lost another person, after having surgery it disfigured by body and distorted my body image.

So warped is and was my body image I used to look at bodies and wonder if that is what I looked like.  I used to watch myself walking by because I could not believe what I was seeing.  I could not reconcile my fat body with my new body.  I still have BIG problems with my weight.

David if you wanted to date me, you would not have dressed up as red-headed Tom who worked at Mac Dill Air Force.  After that date I said we were more like brother and sister.  If you wanted to talk to me you would have called out my name or something to make me stop as I walked by you at the AMC.  I walked past your brother too because you very clearly closed the door by calling me delusional.

I will no longer alter or change my driving route.

I once wrote sun on my shoulders makes me happy, but I cannot live with someone else’s pressure of any kind.  I am very capable of pushing myself, taking charge of myself or I never would have lost weight to begin with.

I will no longer believe in “rules’ that only apply to Cherith and no one else.

James Franco if you wanted to date me or know me, you would have done so in person.  If either you or David wanted to know me you would have done so in person.  End of discussion.

Perhaps no one can understand what passed between David and I in college.  I used to believe it would never go away or fade into the ether, but it has become lost to me.

All I wanted was a real man who was born a man has always been a man who loves women who love men who would love me and I could love in return for the rest of my life.  I have been writing and saying this since 2012.

Oh yeah, I am sick and tired of not being able to eat anything at all when working because my food is altered and tampered with forcing me into fasting in order to keep my weight down.

Guess what?  I am the person behind MY smile!