Christmas Coffee

Breakfast: It is not my favorite meal of the day, and I am usually not a big breakfast person.  However, fussy and especially picky I might be about flavor, taste, quality, and variety – I am quite simple.  So, for breakfast today I would like wheat toast with organic butter and freshly made strawberry jam – I quite like the strawberry jam I make and have made before – strawberry or blueberry yogurt – not the little cups of yogurt – with added fresh fruit on top.  A glass of orange juice, and mugs and mugs of warm, flavorful, strong coffee.  That’s all.

How would you like to live without the ability to choose whatever food, clothing, beauty products, soap(s), gas stations, restaurants, grocery stores or any other store, or on-line purchases?  How would you like to live without the ability to choose how you organize your own garage?  How would you like to live without the ability to choose how your organize your home?  How would you like to live without the ability to choose where you park?  How would you like to live without the ability to choose whatever clothing you like?  How would you like to live without the ability to choose whatever program, movie, or television show you feel like or want to see?  How would you like to live without television, or cable?  How would you like to live without the ability to travel to whatever destination you wanted to or chose?  How would you like to live without human contact of any kind?  How would you like to live without the power or ability to change or alter any facet of your life?

How would you like to live that way?

How would you enjoy it?

Then, how would you enjoy it if every moment of your life was spent in front of a camera watching you, filming you, exposing your every moment to the world?

How would you like to live like that for years and years?

You have succeeded.

Here it is Christmas Eve rolling into Christmas morning, and I am living on another planet, or alternate universe.  I am completely isolated from the entire world.  Another holiday, another season and all emotion and feeling is lost on me.

Christmas season used to be my favorite season.  All the decorations and lights turning the house into another home where everything became smaller.  As all the Christmas trees, garlands, presents, lights strung everywhere, and holiday decorations filled in all the previously empty spaces pushing in on you making the walls closer.  Making family interactions and gatherings closer than any other time of year.

All the cooking and baking and merriment that went along with the food and sharing it with loved ones – I miss.  I do not miss the stress of the holiday season – the stress I have now is greater than any other person in the entire world.  That is a fact.  For no one else in the world lives, interacts, or feels the world, as I do.

I have not a single Christmas or holiday decoration up.  I have not even had the slightest inclination to decorate.  Perhaps because all my previously purchased Christmas lights have hidden cameras in them as someone’s idea of a joke or prank.  To force me to purchase new lights, perhaps?  Who knows.  My plans when I moved here were to string the icicle lights all over my ceiling creating an ice castle inside since I no longer have much of an area to decorate outside.  Now, my plans will never come true because someone else has violated my privacy without request or permission.

Daylight is another world to me anymore.  Daylight is a foreign planet that I do not understand.  Sunshine and daylight feel like enemies beating me with exposure.  Anytime I am driving during daylight I feel as though I have stepped into another world I no longer exist or belong to.  The brightness makes me cringe in terror.  I fall back to shade and shadows as a means to protect myself.

This is not the person I have ever been before.

The truth is if I ever get to write the all of the stories that happened before the monorail ride with James Franco, then you would be so very ashamed of any moment of pleasure you received in watching me, or knowing me.  If you knew the stories, if you knew and read about the name whispered to me – you would feel so ashamed of yourselves.  You would also be indignant toward those who knew, and yet allowed this to happen to me anyway.

For they all knew – with all the hypnosis, drugged-induced-truth-serum forced sharings, the fire alarm-sleep and rest depriving-hypnosis – the blue tooth knew of the trueness of my heart, of the deep connection, of something greater than a crush or infatuation, it knew of the greatness I had in me and destroyed it, then lied to you, to me, to the world, and pretended it was the truth.

For, I will never understand the purpose of all of this – as I will never speak or write anything positive about this experience as it should never have happened to me, nor should it ever happen to anyone.  Also, any ideas or notions I once had about making money from the arts is lost to me.  Not for all the money in the world would I ever want to enter or be apart of that world.  I have been on this side of it for too long now.  I can only hope to one day fade and hide away into obscurity forever.