No one would want to play me.
We had the game Hüsker Dü growing up, no one in my family wanted to play with me, my friends would choose other games to play. Because when it came to memory – it was game over for them.
I could see it wash over their face as they realized there was no way they could win against me.
My memory was something I held on to as a way to teach myself. I knew my memory was a learning tool that I could use. It was sharper than other learning techniques. I relied on it greatly.
Unfortunately for me, all I have anymore is mushy brain.
I wake up after 5, 6, 8, 10, 12 hours of sleep, and I could immediately fall asleep again. I am sure a great deal of that has to do with my limited and type of physical activity vs. food and hydration. More than that, it is this use of my brain while not allowing me to emotionally mature, or become enlightened as anyone would as the years go by.
December 2014, early morning I was at a Wal-Mart because I – again – had not a single bit of food in my house. If you want to know the secret as to how a person looses 18lbs. in a matter of less than two months – you stop eating – or, as is the case with me, I was denied access to food financially, as well as, at gas stations, grocery stores, and anywhere else you can buy food.
Finally, I had beaten all the traps, gestures, and the problems that are constantly in front of me when I looked up. I had felt the security camera in the ceiling on me, so I looked at it. It is something I used to do without thinking, checking roof tops, peripherals, and eyeballs like cameras. Did Michael teach me that? Some of it, I am sure came from the Michael years. But, most of it is just like my grandparents – I knew it, click – just that quick.
When I looked up, bang! Like I was shot, sound effect. As if I was being told not to look at the camera anymore. As if I was supposed to pretend that I was no longer aware that the camera was looking at me. Which is to say, it caused me to stop being myself.
I am not sure when it happened, but I stopped believing I no longer had the right to look the camera in the eye. However, I still need help with de-programming.
Another way this mushy brain has been allowed to continue and degrade has been the disruption in my writing. Once, I became a reader – story to follow, stay tuned – the compulsion to write which had always been there became greater. The more I wrote, the better my writing became, the better functioning my brain became.
Like a neat and tidy desk.