Coffee and Breakfast

Yuck!

$100 in groceries and what does that get me?!  Coffee, beer, and water.  You got to be fucking kidding me?!  I am living off of turkey sandwiches because of this fucking green neighbor!

Where is the creativity in that?!

It’s un-enjoyable and miserable.  I don’t dream about food anymore.  I’m angry, hurt, and upset.

I want to mention something about The Container Store.

I was remembering when (after all the walls fell down and I realized everything was faked, and staged) David Wolfe as Alfredo Cruz was pretend working with me at the elfa design center when a female customer approached who appeared gay, and Alfredo prompted and urged me to help the customer.  He said, no she’s ok.  Meaning me.  David thought he could judge whether or not I was upset, capable, happy, or enjoyed pretending to wait on customers, especially if they were gay.  Which I never before cared about at all because they never entered into my equation.

You cannot force a person to be or become gay just as you cannot force a person to be or become straight.

So, gay persons – yeah, of course I was polite.  IT WAS MY FUCKING JOB!  Jesus Christ!

But, David with disguise gone because all I saw was David I did not see Alfredo Cruz, broke my heart urging me to help the customer as if it was not hurtful, as if it my was harmful, as if it was not humiliating, as if it was not embarrassing, for I truly saw the way David believed I was, and the way David thought of me.

That moment is how David made me feel.  Worthless.  I will not describe it further as it is not worth mentioning.  I am sick of ranting.  This is something that never should have been.

Here was “Marvin” and “Alfredo” having me wait on gay after gay customer acting as if I was supposed to be happy by this experience.

I will say this again as my story has never waivered or changed, gay persons – YOU DO NOT BELONG IN MY BED!!!!!!  NOT NOW, NOT EVER!!!!

The notion that I would not be polite, kind, or nice to a gay person is so beyond my comprehension I will not even speak to it.

YOU DO NOT BELONG IN MY BED!

There was an “assignment” at The Container Store that was supposed to help me get promoted.  To write about one of the foundation principles and what it means to me.  Mind you, at this point nothing I did was ever good enough – it was a systematic approach used to manage me that has not changed since.

“Erin” spoke to me about the Communication Is Leadership principle which is the one I eventually wrote about.  However, it was and is not my favorite foundation principle.

Let me share with you a little something called Mind Control.  When “Erin” spoke about Communication Is Leadership my brain and my mind went blank.  Now, just a few hours ago I was trying to remember something.  I wanted to picture, remember, see in my head where Panera was located in the mall.  It is something people do, you look in your head remembering where everything goes and went.  But, I could not see.  I could not see in my own head.  I have been to this Panera close to hundreds of times, and I could not see in my own head and mind.  As if I forgot.  When of course, I did not forget.  I was simply not allowed to use my own brain and my own brain power.

Which is why I wrote about that principle.  Which is why so many things have appeared as though it is and was my own idea, purchase, thought, saying, expression when it has not been.  Because the Bluetooth has not been deactivated.  Because he Bluetooth should never have existed.  Because this never should have happened to me.  Because the Bluetooth has not come forward and admitted the mistakes, and taken full responsiblity.

Just as I am having a terrible time writing at this moment because of the sensation in my hands.  Probably because whoever is near by – bluetooth – does not want me to write.  They want me to watch movies, eat, play video games, and masturbate.  Not my idea of a life.

My favorite foundation principle was/is Fill the other guys basket to the brim.  Making money then becomes an easy proposition.  The point being that service and sales are not mutually exclusive.

Still upset about that store because I loved that store.

Still upset about my Tuesday and Thursday.

And, I am not looking forward to today because it is work.  It is not fun.  I have to plan my clothes, my route, my food, and my time.  It is stress.  It is stressful.  It is neither fun nor enjoyable.  And, do I get paid for this work – nope!  Stress!!

I spend all my days off waiting for my paycheck to finally drop because it drops at different times, so I never knew when it will actually be available.  It does not encourage me to write or do anything other than stress out!  Then what happens?!  My whole paycheck is gone in a matter of hours trying to purchase everything I need and am forced to buy, so that for two weeks I feel emotionally deprived of freedom of choice.

Sick.  Just sick to death.