Declassified Files: True Events Being Brought to Light – 2/16/2016

Exhausted and stressed from driving yesterday I could barely function.  It wasn’t until I started doing research on Forks, WA that I started to feel more myself again, then I was able to function again.

I was just running some numbers for me to be able to live on my own paying for debt relief, rent, car, insurance, groceries, phone, and other bills I would need to earn $50,000 a year or more.  And, that is not living extravagantly by any means – that would be living on a tight budget.

In order for me to live where I am with the bills I currently have I would an annual salary of $25,000.  But, that would be not paying for all my bills myself.

I was thinking about that idea of $20,000 which is by no means a large amount of money annually it is not much higher than poverty level.

Daydreaming of being able to live on my own and being able to pay my bills myself.  How would I be able to support myself if I wrote for a living or for myself.

I don’t know how to make that happen.

Stuck day dreaming of that day.

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So tired of being in this impossible situation of hearing a faceless, nameless voice in my head.

Just realized that is the second Valentine’s Day where I stopped believing.  Valentine’s Day 2013 was brutal at The Blue Martini.  It may not have appeared so on the outside trying to over compensate for so many losses.  With a cast on my arm I was pretending to be whole – to be enough.

Valentine’s Day 2016 was a very difficult day.  Before the day was over I had already shutdown again.  I did not believe in anything before I went to work – driving there is like just trying to survive.  I’ve been on this I-don’t-understand-what-is-going-on ride for nearly two years.  I keep going to places I think I am supposed to go to that I’ve been told to go to only to be disappointed and met with sometimes truly horrible experiences.  So I chose not to follow because to say I am tired of it cannot possibly convey how I feel.  So what happens when I do not go out for lunch (because I cannot make it anywhere on my lunch break in time to be back to work) I come back from lunch to be yelled at and made to feel less than and stupid.

I’m so tired of this situation that I did not ask to be placed in.

I cannot even be a regular, normal, everyday person.

I feel like I am living inside a prison and I KNOW I am NOT a criminal.