May 1, 2018

I want a new job.

Do you have any idea how humiliating it is every day to walk through David’s married legs?

No, we can never be friends ever again.

Every day my life is filled with me trying to live apart to move on from memories of David and all I end up with is humiliation.

As I go to the beach to escape this house and find David in the water with his wife Courtney making a scene as they kiss in the water.  Humiliating me.

I go for a run because I am told I am not able to go running in my own neighborhood to find David in disguise showing me how much better looking his wife is in her exercise gear.  Humiliating me.

No, South Carolina.  I will never believe I was anything more than a job to you.  Regardless of what I think of you.  For you – I was nothing more than a job.  Go down on her.  You were working, and I was a job and nothing more.  Smile or not.  You guys are better liars than I ever could hope to be.

And, for the record, I do not like magicians.  It’s a brain thing.  So, no.  You can keep Edison.

I never loved him.  I never liked him.

How many years David do you think you can keep pretending?  Allowing me no other choice is not the same as love.

Humiliation.

All you have ever brought me – humiliation.

There is all this pressure to do with my blog.  Am I going to keep WordPress or am I going to change to a Winix?  Both are still the same.

Is there a way to reverse this Bluetooth and body button pushing?  Then, I am for it since I never wanted it to begin with.

Is there a way to stop the pressure calories?  I would never do such a thing to another human being.  Especially one I’ve known to have had weight problems before.

I will never love you again, David.  I will never of my own free will be your friend in any way again.

If I could have another job tomorrow – I would leave you so fast.

My brain is still in a bad way.

Actors think it is the same as being on stage.  It is not.

It is not the same.

It is not the same at all as being on stage with another actor when you enter my brain.

It is not the same.

They have lied.

All these years have taught me nothing more than I wish I had never met you.

I will never marry Edison of my own free will no matter how many years you deprive me of male companionship.

I never wanted his body to begin with.

I wanted to be fucked by a man.  It is not the same thing.

My every day is filled with humiliation.  Body shame and humiliation.

This is the cruelest thing a person could ever do to another human being.

And, my writing…I do not give away.  Not to any person.

My writing is in no way an agreement to give or share with another person, company, organization, or affiliate.

No, I will never love you.

We cannot be friends.

You failed to understand my gift to see into other people’s minds.

God, I miss hockey.

God, I miss baseball.

Men and beer, a pretzel, a few bites of hos food…

God, I miss men.

God, I miss men who actually like me, find me attractive, and don’t humiliate me.