June 7, 2018

Thinking of college days.

I was never going to love him – like that.

The hype machine they have spinning in the media is taking away from my creative freedom and choice.

I can no longer read it.

Stuart.  Stuart Shapiro.  Was there not one man I’ve met since being in Florida that has not been placed by persons for reasons I will never understand?

Then, why and how come did I meet Michael Wayne Brown?!

They – a singular person or multiple persons – used David Wolfe to speak to me?  That would again, make the feelings I had for him only one-sided.  Yet again.

I was never going to love Stuart like that.  All I saw in him was me having to make all the decisions, all the planning, all the household decisions and planning, all the life planning about our future, by myself, alone.  I saw I would have eventually sooner rather than later, resented him.

Though I loved him.  Stuart made me laugh.  Stuart was not shy about touching me, or hugging me, and I did love him.

Am I the only person in the world who has had friendships?  Am I the only person in the world who believes that men and women can be friends?

I needed, I still need a provider and protector.  Probably why I am attracted to taller, stronger, bigger men.  Bigger than my body size.

Who was going to protect me if someone like Michael came back into my life with Stuart around?  Not Stuart.  He could have called the police, but that is about it.

Dangerous men had become a part of my life because of Michael.  That will never leave my life and mind, the need for protection.

Glen, I remember his full name although I will not share it.  I remember every address and phone number I’ve had my whole life.  I remember every password I created.  With few exceptions of times and years I’ve blocked out of my mind for my own healing.

It felt good to be in Glen’s arms.  He complimented me when I dressed well, on my appearance, and he had no problem displaying affection for me.  He would grab, and hold, and hug me.  He listened to me too.  Glen could have protected me, but he could not have provided for me.

Am I the only girl in the world who wants more than a casual romance?

Perhaps I should have a different brain.  One where I am not able to see people.  Perhaps then I could have had more love in my life, been loved by more men, rather than being eternally alone.

Also, I was so in longing for David then.  No other man made me feel like David did.

However, all these truths change when friends marry.

Married life changes people, there friends become different, their lives change, and past friendships are not always the same again.

Marriage changes everything.

It is a fact.

I do not understand why there is not more upset about me being made to live for these years and continued to live – in absolute isolation and aloneness.

A provider and a protector.  I will always need him to be a provider and a protector.

I am a million miles away again.