I Want to Move On

Disclaimer: Men Born Male Only, No Gays, No Skirt Wearing Fairies, No Transgender, No Tires, No Women Allowed!  No African-American men or black men.  Murphy said, he doesn’t mind me including this part of the disclaimer, he knows it has nothing to do with the color of their skin, as do I know it.

You are in trouble for lying to me.

You are in trouble with me.  For lying to me.  For years.

I heard the contraction.  It makes a difference.  Because I am well aware that I usually do not use contractions when writing and when speaking.  I also know it says something about my person, education, my culture and sophistication.

You are in trouble for lying to me.  You have no place.  You have no place with me.  I have proven more than once I am smarter, more sophisticated, and better able than you thought possible.  But, there are men who knew I already was so.

You forget my pay grade and security clearance.

WTF, was that tonight?!

I could barely move.  They want me to miss my last break, they do not want me to use the bathroom, they do not want me – the women – do not want me to go to the bathroom on my last break.

I was out of water before the night was over.  And, I could hardly move.  Heavy boxes, and heavy boxes, in addition to what they shoved up my nose.  I had to stop several times, so I could breathe.  It was so bad.  Because I was being my natural self that is a person mad at injustice.  Who isn’t?!

Quietly, silently, I am closing my mind off until I have no room above to think.

They tried to make this appear in my mind as a way to interrogate someone.  They are so dumb.  These are the Tuesday night imposters who have no idea.  I shut-down my brain for several hours before I had enough.  I told them to depart.  Because the real people do not try.  They know better.  I’ve seen them.

Monday was when real courage was there.  I heard him.  I saw him.  It is hard to hide from me.  No more magic carpet rides.  He was there for my Murphy, Murphy the Magnificent.  Murphy the Brilliant.  Perhaps, I will be able to write of their adventures that I see in my creative mind.  It would take a release from this heavy weight.

Higher Power is not the same as heavy weight.  They tried to use him as leverage against me.  But, they forget I have talked with him and seen his mind.  It was honestly enjoyable.  So smart.  So good.

It’s been more than six years, I just want to move on from David.  I don’t think that is too much to ask for.  He has not been alone.  I have.  All these years.  It is so humiliating.  Everything he has done to me and been a part of.  It is so humiliating.  He knew it would be the consequence.

Worse still, we are talking about quality of life.  I am saying there is purposeful disfiguration of my body.  Purposeful disfiguration of my stomach and vagina.  I have never in all my years had a problem accommodating a penis in my vagina until after this surgery and this house.  It is so humiliating.  It is so hurtful.

Because sex is important to me.  It was taken away from me.  Because the male body is important to me they took it away from me.

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