Coffee and Breakfast: Long Distance

Disclaimer: Men Born Male Only, No Gays, No Skirt Wearing Fairies, No Transgender, No Tires, No Women Allowed!  No African-America men, no black men.  This is about properness and correctness .

 

September 18, 2018

Sometimes it is not the message, it is the messenger.  Sometimes it is about not going through the proper persons and what was allowed to happen while employed and the role they played.

It is not about numbers for me.  I am worth more than a number on a screen.

It is not about the handshake.  I place value in manners, civility, and cultural customs that allow decency to prevail in everyday life.

I have not now, nor have I ever placed any merit in a hand off of any sort.  My mind goes beyond, sees more, does more – everyday – to be bothered with such an inconsequential action.  It is as if to say, I do not wear pants anymore because I no longer laugh anymore.

It has been more than four years since I’ve laughed.  Know this, it is about the quality of love and love-making.  It has made me feel as if I am not worthy of being taken seriously enough to be touched and loved for real.

I have stopped food writing while working any more.  I am no longer able.  If the last time I thought about food and a man was talking with James Franco, I have been dealt a heavy penalty for months because of it.  I know he has nothing to do with diapers.  Because he is not a woman.  We’ve met.  Worse there is something that has been done, done in my head that has quite literally stopped creative process.

I am unable now to write this in a cleverer way.  He has been here with my hands, however – this is so humiliating to write about – there has been too many alone years and too many men that I do not know.  So, again, it has left me feeling that I am not worth being loved for real.  It was not special enough for me to save it as a memory.  The shoulder was a memory.  My brother had a reaction to formaldehyde, I have not.

I was listening at work.  Of course, I did.  Why wouldn’t I?  There was nothing wrong there.  I was merely surprised he was there, willing to be there, and the interest in my person.  But then, strategy does not always arrive in the form that is scripted.

Perhaps he was there because of the good police work that was done, London time, as I saw it.  Good police work.  I told them so in my head while working.  Without the help of my manager, I, Cherith, if I didn’t help, I saw, watched, and listened.  Cherith did.  No one else.  Good, solid police work.

Know this, I have my reasons for not changing my shoes and it has nothing to do with the brand.  It has to do with knowing that illegal entry has been allowed while I was at work and my shoes have been altered without my permission.  This is not a war, this is a working relationship that is more than policy.  It is a strong foundation for the world.

I heard and felt that he saw in me that I am worth more than a number on a screen.  What I am able to see in others is of more value than a number on a screen.

Is there anyone else that can drive past a vehicle going the opposite direction knowing that a body part that is being used in a criminal investigation is in that vehicle?  Because I did.

Is there anyone else that can see a picture on the ground, take it apart, and know that it is from a property in that has a marijuana business where there are illegal guns with multiple hidden locations on the property of money, guns, and drugs?  Because I did.

I used to be an appreciator of the arts.  I used to beg films, movies, literature – give me a moment!  Make me stop, make the whole world stop, let me be sent beyond to where there is something so wonderful I will never in my whole life forget it, and it changes everything because I experienced it, I saw it, I felt it, and I know it is more than all the money in the world because it exists!  I have written about this thinking multiple times.  When I was talking about it in my head at work last night, I heard, confirmation.

How it is a confirmation, I am not certain.  But, it was a confirmation for someone.  If not several persons.

I am out of time for lots of what I wrote about in my head while working last night, I am tired of yelling about the injustices done to me while I am at work.

I do apologize, I am going to be late – again – today.  It is this task list of chores that I must check off before leaving for work, it is the race that scripts the work that conflicts and causes more errors and wrongs than they are worth to me.

I do not like being late.  It is more than disrespectful to me, my time, my worth, my value, to write a script in this way before work.  It is mismanagement.  I will say no more about it.  If you are not able from what I have written today to understand the misuse and mismanagement of me, my talent, and my worth than I see no point or reason in continuing.

There is nothing wrong with apologizing when it is appropriate.

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