December 21, 2018: Double Agent

AUTHORIZED ACCESS ONLY!

 

December 21, 2018

 

The mother and daughter on the plane were the double agents.  From JFK to Munich it was the mother and daughter.  The daughter was the worst.  The daughter was taller, she wore a camel-colored coat with a Dukakis pin, they both wore slacks.  The daughter wore a handbag in the price range of an Anne Klein handbag.  They both were dressed down in price from their usual attire.  They were being presented to me as something to aspire to.

I am looking at the daughter wondering why is she looking at me?  Who the fuck are you?!

Something to aspire to.  No.

Both EF and Academic Adventures in America should be investigated.

Both the color of Sandy Hill’s hair being red and the color of the rental car being red is saying something different to someone else other than me.  They are both a danger.  I believe my mother had been warned about a red car.

The reason for my God moment.  The reason why I believe I had a God moment, I believe my mother and I were being followed.  The reason I said in my head when looking at the bunk houses at Dachau, it’s not so bad.  Was someone else was near-by.  A Jew-hating lesbian.  It’s not so bad, God heard it, and told me so.  He told me what a terrible thing it was to hear.

Jews.  The Jewish people are God’s chosen people.  It is as if to say though you have killed my son, I cannot stop loving you.  God cannot stop loving.  Love.

This notion is being presented to me of a gay man in a relationship with another gay man that has been around me for years.  It is being presented in connection with Bing.  If this is correct, how he does not want any man having sex with me.  What has been shown to me, suggests that he is sexually attracted to me or is a sexual pervert.  I believe it is the former.  If this is true, I suggest he seek the help of a therapist.

I expect the man to be the initiator.  I expect the man to open the door for me.  I expect the man to ask for my number.  I expect the man to ask me out.  I expect the man to pay for every meal.  I expect the man to initiate interest.  I have been denied this my whole life with the exception of one man.  That man from this house doesn’t count in my opinion.

This is the constant story being played out with David.  David has been with so many women.  David could be with this woman other than you, Cherith.  David could be with this woman, who is not you, Cherith.  David could be with this woman, Cherith.  Or this woman, or this woman.  Then, in my opinion David is not worthy of me.  David has never asked for my phone number.  David has never asked me out.  David has never initiated conversation.  David has never really talked to me.  Ever.  David is not worthy of me.

If the only value David has is how more valuable, he is to other women than he is not worthy of me.  This is how it is presented to me over and over.  If the only value a man has is how much sex he can get from other women than he is not worthy of me.

We should never have moved from California.  My parents would have divorced.  My mother would have married up.  My father would have remarried.  We would have stayed in that house.  My father would have moved.  Both my parents would have been happier.

Mad as hell.  Beyond rage.  Upset.

128.8 lbs.

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