Author: Jgd

An ill eagle on stairs in South Dakota flew to safety in trees that had been saved from drought by hand-watering.

Straighten that box.

Kaiser Soze is only a mug.  I left film school notions years ago.  Do not repeat.

Gas it Code Adam, remember texting me that you didn’t want a second date there wasn’t enough chemistry?  I remember where I was parked at The Container Store.  Lots of glass windows.  Bye, abdomen.

My blinds closed during the day – not all clear.  It means I am so upset I don’t want to look.

Counting in my head – a bad sign.  It means something terrible has happened.

It never happened.

Of course there are rules.  If there weren’t I could park anywhere without repercussions.  I could use whatever time clock I wanted.  I could drive however I wanted.

I was given instructions by a bald man to not write about my cats.  My boys.  So, I didn’t.

Because there are rules I am not allowed to choose.

I can barely see.

Day 1,562.

I want another job.

I want another job.

I want another job.

I do not want to live like this anymore or for the rest of my life!

This life is like being made to live a lesbian sex-life.  Hands only.

I, for the one millionth time – am not gay, or a lesbian, or want to ever, ever, ever be with a woman.  I am not curios in any way whatsoever.  Never have been, never will be.

IT WILL NEVER BE WOMEN!

I need a real man, real man flesh, real man sausage.  End of story.  End of discussion.

You have deprived me of YEARS of a sex life that I could have had for what?!

I will only ever be men only – EVER!

No, hands are not my idea of sex, virtual hands are not enjoyable enough for me they never have been, they never will be.

What I learned tonight is that every event where I believe I have done something special and spectacular has turned out to be because a doctor and surgeon illegally implanted devices into my body allowing people to speak in my head as the event is taking place.  That is what I learned tonight at work.

I am so upset my blood pressure is through the roof.

No, I am not changing my shoes after the conversation I had with my manager tonight. 

I want another job.

YEARS OF MY LIFE ARE GONE FOR WHAT?!  A REAL SEX-LIFE THAT I WANT TO HAVE I AM NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE!!!!!!

See, if you get anymore stories out of me now.

No, I am not eating I am too heavy with this fake weight!

I do more than any person in that entire building.  I am the reason anyone shows up and is there.

I do what I am told only.  I do not believe in my work there anymore.

I want to sue eHarmony for lying to me with the men who answered to my profile – what a sham.

I want another job.

Day 1,561.

Tired of sweating.  Tired of sweating every day.  I am so upset that I cannot see well, yet again, I have given up on looking anymore.  And, the workload on me has caused me to break.  It is too much.

It took me a half an hour to try and correct my clocking in and out for work?!  A half an hour?!  How and why should it take that long for that?!

Falling asleep with an ice pack on my arm I was thinking of writing about a cookout in praise and recognition for these lethal men.  I saw him.  A cookout of burgers and cherry cobbler for dessert.  Sharing a story about scars, but my body is beat up.  Therefore, my mind is in similar condition.

I want another job.

Because he asked it of me, I thought about it some more.

The truth is, I have no idea who was in charge of punishing me for using the correct toilet.  I would do it again.  I would make sure that I did not use a toilet after speaking in my head to Michelle Obama.  It is more important that criminals are locked up.

It is beyond reprehensible to me to associate a toilet with a person or the color of their skin.

I would do it again.

Yes, I choose correctly when I voted.  My well of truth told me so.  If you hadn’t noticed I was ready long before anyone showed up.  See, I made the connection between the man I saw from Africa and Matt Damon.  Now, how could I do that?!  Did they tell me, or did I do that?!

The great thing about Matt Damon is when I spoke to him while working at Disney the second time my stomach was pulled to my backbone.  He was the opposite of a bloated belly.  I’ll let you go through all his movies to figure out the connections.

The difference was this morning.  No one has any idea how exacting, demanding, difficult, and unlike anything in the world – what they have done to my body and living this kind of life – is like.

He asked it of me this morning.

I would ask you to understand that every single person in the world gets to be mad at me, co-workers, neighbors, people driving by, my employers, former acquaintances, supervisors, managers, people on the street, anyone and everyone gets to be mad at me, yelling at me, saying horrible things, torturing me, hurting me, harming me, depriving me, isolating me, and what I get to do in return – is just take it.

I reach a breaking point.  I am only human.

Me screaming horribleness is usually a breaking point.  Screaming just so somebody will finally hear me.

If you think about it this is more than a problem for me.

What happens when you torture a prisoner to get information?  Do they tell you the truth or do they scream just to be heard?

Remember I did not choose this life, I would leave in an instant never to return.  So, what was the point of all of this?  These years?

I have no idea who was in charge or allowed to be in my head leading up to me blaming Michelle Obama for what happened to my hair.  Whoever was in charge should be fired and not allowed within the premises or anywhere near me.

The same holds true for my weight loss choice.  I was made beyond violently ill because I choose something else than what I was told to do.  I am not trying to lose 50 or 100 pounds again.

I saw him.  He is not a purchase.

Do they not understand that people are not products, objects, brands, items, or for sale?!

I saw him.  There was nothing wrong with him.  However, I chose correctly.  For it I was made violently ill.

Do you understand how many times I have chosen correctly the first time to be made to go through it all over again told to do it differently only to in the end be told I was correct the first time?!

To be yelled at, written up for doing what I thought was extraordinary is beyond my comprehension.  To then be told it was all a performance and not real is beyond hurtful and disappointing for me.  Because the damage caused was most definitely real.

I have a list a mile long of items I need.  Who’s going to pay for all that?!

What a lousy thing they did to my bed.  Who’s going to pay for a new one?

Tired of living like this.

Day 1,560.

I am not eating.  Have whatever you would like to eat.

Tired of cleaning.  In my mind I am letting someone else clean, tired of the task, and tasks.

I am sick with upset and sadness because how many years must I live like this?  Without a man, living with me, taking care of me, sharing a life with me?

I feel like a prisoner and nothing more.  When I have done nothing wrong.

There is no reason, none, for me to live all alone like this for all these years.  There is no reason I have been made to live alone for decades.

I am angry with upset.

How many more years?

How many more years must I be alone?

This woman cannot live alone her whole life, she never has wanted to.

This woman cannot live in her head all alone – only.

Sick to death of being made to swallow for no reason.

Barney, best gentleman of a cat lived to be 21.

I don’t know how many years I must say this, it doesn’t work in my head alone.  Never has.  Never will.