Author: Hcdgvbbcfhhg

It is so bad here.

I am still trying to get caught up from yesterday, as well as, the previous years.

I tell you what, I do not miss that pressure.

I miss my house.

Waking up this morning to the memory of the house I used to have that was mine.  Who am I kidding, I fell asleep remembering my house.

Back when I still believed in the reality of the possible.

Back before the illusions were not entirely stripped away from my mind and eyes and saw the deceptions, costuming, and falseness that I live in and around.

I miss my house.  Where I had space and privacy in my home.  The prying eyes that even existed then were farther away.  Where the birds and wildlife were real and not canned.

It was not much of a house.  It was not grand.  It was mine.

Yesterday I was reminded of a poem I wrote back in college.  My life the last several years people have read too much into it.  People thinking there is more written between the lines.  Instead, of the writing being just what it is – writing.

Back in college I took a Creative Writing class just to try it on for size.  I was working full-time, going to school part-time, trying to have a social-life, trying to live in between the other minutes left in the end of the day.  It was a tough time.

I cheated.

I was writing for an assignment and not for myself.  I was under a deadline, I had other classes that had demands on my time.  So, I did the best that I could.  I was doing homework while on my breaks at work just to get everything accomplished in the day.  At that time every minute of my day was filled.

The assignment was to write a poem.  I’d never written a poem in my life, and I knew very little about poetry.  I’d not read much – at that time – let alone read poetry.

There was a poem in my textbook, I think it was about Spring, so I wrote about Autumn.  The next line was about the wind, so I wrote something about the breeze.  If it was a color I changed the color.  If it was about a person I just changed it slightly.

From what I know of writers and writing now – this is not an uncommon practice.

It accomplished the task.  I received a grade, and it was a good grade.  But, to me the poem is like an artificial sweetener.  It tastes sweet, but there is an after taste.  And, honestly the taste and flavor are all wrong.  Artificial is never as good as the real thing.

In my writing, I know the difference even if others do not.

Plus, just to get this off my chest.  I refuse to be made to feel bad for writing at my desk where there is a desk, etc.

What a terrible day today!

A few things I remembered today the worst of all being an unforgiveable trespass on my soul was not sitting on my brother’s side at his wedding, however that is not what made today terrible.

I relinquished custody of my animals to my brother today.  They really were not even mine.  My animals died years ago.  Being a responsible and caring woman I had been taking care of them.

The problem is where I am living.  The house is not set up properly for me.  It hasn’t been since I arrived here.  It does not accommodate all the needs I have nor does it allow for my needs to be met.  For instance, I live so close to other people I am living over their spaces instead it all being my private house.

So, my animals in what seems like a purposeful tactic had been trained through silent whistles into behaviors such as crying, peeing, puking, etc. on command.  It had taken so much of my time, energy, and money to correct the problems every time it occurred I was brought to a breaking point.

I chose to live.

Some things simply never occur to me because my brain, my body, the way God made me, only works one way.

I have arrived at a decision.

Much has been made about my dating and sex life in the last few years.  In fact, it was everyone’s business at one of my jobs, which I can only tell you had such disastrous and devastating results I have sworn off on-line dating entirely.  I ending up dating men I was not even sexually attracted to just so that I could be dating, and be seen dating showing I was moving in a positive direction.

However, when you try dating – and worse still – sleeping with a man/men you are not even attracted to just because you want to be with a man, Ugh!  It is the worst.  Psychologically damaging.

I am in fact, quite old-fashioned.  I believe the man should approach the woman, ask her out, ask for her number, take charge, let her know he is interested, and so forth.

Well, so here is my decision: I have gone celibate.

I will not have sex in any form whether it is masturbation or sexual intercourse until I am in a committed monogamous relationship with a man who wants to actually be in a relationship with me.

Since, I practically repulse all men as has been my experience in the last few years. Those that I do not repulse are already married or committed, I most certainly seal the doom on ever having sex again for the rest of my natural life.

As sad and terrible, or even pathetic as that may sound, I was pushed well beyond while at work today.  It was either give up sex entirely or kill myself.  What would you choose?  Yes, it was that bad at work.  Actually, is was so much worse than I can could ever explain.

I can’t help it that men don’t find me attractive.  I can’t help it that I am only attracted to men.

What’s worse is I feel I am constantly surrounded by nothing but women.

Worse still, the man of my dreams could stop and talk to me, and I might even walk on by – such has been the very bad abuse I’ve endured these last few years.

Such is my doom.

Mother’s Day is almost here.  How did this happen?  I mean, I can’t believe it’s May already.  I live in a sort of bubble.  Sorta a place they send discounted items trying to figure out what to do with them – that’s what it feels like anyway.

Plus, if you’ve spent time in hospitals or nursing homes time becomes meaningless as disease, sickness, and pain keep no schedule.  Soon you become consumed  with feeding the meter of health trying to fill it up whole again.

When I placed my mother in a skilled nursing facility I had already spent months disconnecting the force of will I used to keep myself going for her care, as well as, allowing her mortality instead of her recovery become reality for me.

Her birthday was a few days after we sent her to live in a nursing home.  Some shitty daughter I am, right?!  Then, Mother’s Day shortly after, and I waited to visit until both days had passed.  I found her in a wheelchair wandering the hallways.  Pulling herself along the handrails of the walls – out of her mind.

She looked up at me as a stranger, her eyes were filled with enraged anger.  I almost didn’t recognize her.  She was no longer herself.  She was a million miles away.  Locked inside her stroke-ridden mind.  As angry as she was , I could see she was also fighting.  The anger was a fight in her mind, her stroke, and with the staff.

I could see in her what spoke of: How can you do this to me?  Don’t you know I am still here?  Can’t you see I am still a person?  If you would just talk to me you would know my mind is still here.

Once she recognized me – she returned.

It was hard for me to leave the nursing home that day.  How responsible I felt.  How guilty I felt.

How responsible I still feel.  How guilty I still feel.

It is too crowded here.  There are too many people and they are all too close.

I don’t get to really write anymore because of it.

All I am doing anymore is responding or reacting to the lack of privacy which is not really living, nor is it really writing.

I used to be able to write – sentences in my head.  I used to be able to free associate, be creative in my thoughts, and I was pretty damn good considering I had just started.  I was on a path to writing and accomplishing something significant, meaningful, and powerful.

I could say it has been stolen from me for surely that is true.

I could say that it has been taken from me as that also applies.

The truth is where I am living has a harmful and negative impact and affect upon me.

So long, California.

Almost my whole life I wanted to return to California.  Yet, my dream has been made into something intolerable.  Someone has come along perverted my dream, as well as, my dreams.

What a coward a man has to be to steal the very thought from you.

If you have set a plan in place are on the path to doing what you set your mind to and then someone comes along parodying or mimicking your moves to appear as if they are leading or showing you what to do – it is not valid or real.  It is a mere illusion has no weight or bearing on your life or what is real.  Furthermore, the person is a coward and a cheat.

I believe that I’ve been made to believe in a man/men who are not real in my life.

If a man wants to be made a part of your life – he will do it in the flesh and not by proxy.  He will come to you introduce himself start the conversation, open up and offer his heart in the process.  He will not employ tricks.  He will not employ deceptions or relayed messages.

If a man does not wish to appear in the flesh and be present in my life I have to ackowledge that he is ashamed of me, embarrassed by me, repulsed by me, afraid of me, or afraid of who he will become if he allows me into his life.

I made a purchase that I was left with no alternative but to throw away.  It was full of subliminal messages that not only do not apply to me, but had/have such a negative effect and impact upon me it has literally caused me harm, mental anguish, suffering, and immeasurable misery.

If I had been aware in advance of what I was purchasing I would NEVER have made the purchase.  No one should have to live through the experience I’ve lived through with the subliminal messaging.  I would not wish it upon my worst enemy.

Every product has a label defining what it contains.  And, there are warning labels which state what will happen in certain circumstances.

I was deceived by this innocent purchase.  However based on principles alone I removed it as soon as I understood its (miss)representation.  No one should have to suffer through something like that as I have been made to suffer.  The harm is immeasurable.

It is like having an unwelcome neighbor, or uninvited permanent guest at your residence that you never invited, don’t want, and have no means of evicting.  Or, keeping a father away from you who violates you.  Believe me I am all too aware of a circumstance such as this and at a loss how to regain control over all areas of my life.

I should not have to keep proving and constantly keep someone who harms me away.

I should be protected instead of violated.

This brings me to another incident in my life where I was greatly deceived.  I started dating a man because – well, I am single.  After the first meeting my gut told me I should end it immediately as something bothered me and did not sit well in my spirit.  This man ended up deceiving me greatly.  The only way he was able to gain entrance in any way to me was simply through deception.  He had studied me, spied on me, and learned what men I had cared for in my past.  He then used that information, used another man’s words to gain entrance to me otherwise he would never have been able to get anywhere near me.  It has been an inescapable nightmare for me.  I have no idea why any person would go to such lengths to deceive me.  When all I’ve wanted was a man in my life whom I could love who loved me in return – forever.