Category: Uncategorized

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May 6, 2019

Send him away, and I mean now!  I am more than pissed!  Send Patch Adams away!  He is not my Patch Adams!  I cannot believe they allowed the – it’s what they want me to believe anyway – real Hannibal Lecter to use virtual reality to see if he could get me to – this is so gross to write – orgasm.

You people disgust me!

He is not my doctor.  I believed he was a medical doctor not a psychiatrist.  That’s why in Silence of The Lambs, Hannibal Lecter looks like an FBI agent, not a psychiatrist, and not a medical doctor.

I have no idea what the fuck you people are doing, I am more than tired of being told what to do, how to park my car, how to wash my car, what clothes to wear, what games to play, on and on.

I feel set-up and tricked into this situation with the real Hannibal Lecter, one reason, they have me on leave where I am not getting paid.  I am fucking mad.  He said, Dr. Kelly using virtual reality, and whatever good feelings I had for the real Hannibal Lecter left me in an instant and have not returned.

Those contacts are fixed, they were fixed pupils.

I want him gone.  I am not protecting him.  I am not working, am I?!

I am more than mad.

I am so upset I don’t want to read the news or anything.  My windows closed, not a good sign.

I am fucking pissed, red man.  This has me re-thinking everything.

Dr. Kelly is no longer my doctor.

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May 4, 2019

You have someone who is deathly afraid of me.  They are so afraid of me they want to kill me.  As if that would stop them from being afraid of me, it won’t.  If they attempt, again, to kill me, even if they succeed, I will be there always, in their mind, in their head, I will never leave them, and they will die.  They will die whether I am alive or dead.  They will die.  I am Death.

Whether he has known it all along or just recently discovered it, the real Hannibal Lecter has been protected by me, I saw him, I’ve seen him, protected.

There are other glory-seekers so incapable of everyday life they foolishly seek, not with a full set of teeth, they grovel to the realm of the wicked looking for acceptance where there is none.  They are looking to hurt and harm the one that he loves.  I am not sending him away, I am unbothered.

White dog, that’s Cherith.  Does he pretend in talk and speech to think my name is awkward and, um, un-American?  This man should never be let out of prison, he’ll kill again.  And, he’s neither that good nor that smart about it.

Transvestite, it is really just a complicated way of saying there was in existence in the 80’s, this African coalition, group, or whatever word you want to use trying to infiltrate the US.  It looks like sex-trade and wanting white girl’s bodies.

The tucking of the male genitals is the school bus driver, I already wrote about.

The sewing is not literal in Silence of the Lambs, it is old-code, Sound of Music, code.

Stay away from me David, it is for your own good, stay away from me.

What was that really all about today?

May 6, 2019

Full-scale alarm just went off in my head.  I cannot continue going unpaid.  I don’t know what is going on, other than I am not able to read your news anymore, I must take care of myself first, and that man did not do that.  And, that very well may mean I stop writing.  I am more than upset.

Full-scale alarm.  I’ve had enough.  I feel tricked and I don’t like that.  Protected, he was protected past tense.  I am more than upset.

Full-scale alarm.

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May 4, 2019

Dear the real Hannibal Lecter,

I thought you were going to walk the Edison’s out of the building.  I thought you were going to walk Edison and his entourage out of the building and my life permanently.  Edison is threatened by you, more importantly, he is very afraid of you.

I thought you were going to remove him.

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May 4, 2019

Try not to walk into things as you read this.  I’ve known this for a while I just have a lot of other things I’ve had to write.

It’s a nightgown.  The white sheet Sherlock wraps around himself as he walks around his flat, then into Buckingham Palace is a nightgown, my nightgown.  I had a white nearly floor-length white cotton nightgown that had lace with ribbons along the hem, it was sleeveless.  It was light and airy, and it felt like summertime to sleep in it, actually a true story.

Why I should be embarrassed or worried about being seen in my own family home walking from my bedroom to the bathroom that was shared with my father and brother, I don’t know.  I don’t remember walking around the house in it, or lounging around the house, I wore to sleep and that’s all.

I didn’t ask anyone to spy on me in my own home.

It does appear to be embarrassing, not in the best of manners to others to watch.  I am not sure I owned a robe at that time.  And, it was just my family, or so I thought, it meant nothing to them, obviously.

No wonder I go to sleep now with all my clothes still on.

It’s just a nightgown.

Sorry, if I caused any embarrassment to others.

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May 3, 2019

You know, you have some s’plaining to do to this man.  He wants to know why I was ever “re-trained”.  He wants to know why his highly sensitive equipment (my brain) was ever messed with, ever disturbed, ever regarded as anything other than a very lethal weapon with a better degree of certainty and accuracy than any beat cop could ever hope for.

You have some s’plaining to do to him and he does have the means by which he could render a very certain outcome if you do not comply or receive his request.  You have some explaining to do.

No, I would not agree with the video of the store robbery where the two, what appears to be employees of the store, after the suspect has been sprayed with something in his face causing disorientation, after a woman appears to try and disarm the robber of his hammer – that is to say his weapon, and she fails, a male, appears to be a male employee hits the suspect with a chair, repeatedly, bending and nearly breaking the leg of the chair, until the suspect appears to no longer be able or capable of moving – he nearly broke the legs of the chair, this suspect is not high on drugs that would give him super “strength” remember that portion it is important, nothing about the suspects demeanor suggests he is drugged or high, then the female, appears to be a female employee approaches the suspect disarming him of his hammer, and what appears to be other items, the suspect never moves while she removes items, after she removes the threat of danger by taking away his hammer and other items, what does the female employee do?  Does she then find something to secure the suspect until the police arrive?  Because that is what I would do.  That is what everyone else should be thinking and should have been thinking as the video played.  No, she then assaults the suspect – because at that point it becomes assault and not self-defense.  She assaults and pummels the suspect.  It is now possible for this female employee to be brought up on assault charges – especially if she was an undercover police officer.

I am not supposed to know this right-hipped man exists.  Of course, I know he exists.  Of course, I know who he is.  I have been a little busy with tedious chores.  You want a report of this man?  I find this so boring.

He appears to be wearing a girl’s or woman’s shoe on his right foot, he has two air strikes on his right shoulder, as if to show a military mission where air strikes were used, he is a little taller in real-life or in person, his torso above the waist or belt-line for a few inches is mostly him that is to say, the photo has not been edited or re-touched it is just the positioning of him that makes his torso appear slighted in shape, the only portion of the body that has not been edited, shows no skin, and that is his right thigh and hip.

This is the news story of the prosthetic leg, and this is my LA Mexican restaurant handler man, a white male, duh.  I told you he liked me.  I, of course, liked him very much.  Come out, come out, wherever you are…child’s play, meaning because I was doing this work at such a young age – I used to at least – be as natural and casual as if all I was doing was breathing.  That is an extraordinarily difficult thing to do, achieve, and pull off.

The conversation I had in the kitchen with the woman, who was a friend of the family, I was staying with, happened after the Mexican restaurant, the conversation of they sell drugs on the corner.  What?!  They sell drugs?!  No, I do not understand you or the words coming out of your mouth.  I had already been working in a much higher field, and she sent up a red flag of, do not trust, she is not aware, she is not capable, she has no understanding.  Because of it she sent me back to Florida, back to my fiancé who then hit me, and it appears sent me back to another local PD, at least one of them a lesbian, to work where I never should have been sent.

Do you send a day-care worker with a PhD in Education to stock tampons in a women’s prison?  No, because the thinking is absurd.

No Entry in that photo has many different meanings.  The reference to a prosthetic leg, I do not get.

I have no idea why they sent those two pregnant women to my door delivering my items.  If it is just one woman or two, they are dirty.  These are the same people who try and put blame on the men I love, that is they try and blame the men I love, and when I write blame, I mean they try and kill the men I love.  These could be the same people who are just waiting for me to die.  Because that is how this “life” and “television show” feels like, people are not interested in ending the “show,” they are merely waiting for me to die.

If they are monitoring the head conversations I have with the real Hannibal Lecter, and I would be monitoring them if I was them, it would be such a surprise the effect I have on him.  They would be able to make comparisons, they would be able to have brain-scans of the real Hannibal Lecter and other serial killers, brain-scans, brain-activity, showing the parts of the brain that are activated, or in use, and so on.  To me, and I don’t get to see the evidence of my impact on him, I just know it, it would literally floor, as in surprise and shock people in the difference.  It would suggest then that had I been a friend to the real Hannibal Lecter before his murders – a friend, more than a co-worker, a personal relationship like a friend – the course of his life would have changed.  Most likely, those murders, would never have happened.

Let that be a lesson to everyone.  Whose life have you changed today just by being a person’s friend?

Quid pro quo, it is possible that there was someone who believed they could “distract” people with my hysterectomy – so, that means it is not possible for me to get or be pregnant, or have any appearance of pregnancy whatsoever – Quid pro quo, pro-creation, God created the Heavens and the Earth, women have the ability to pro-create, so if they “forced” a hysterectomy upon Cherith it would be their feeble attempt to remove God.  Remove God from Cherith and this world, except it doesn’t work that way, duh.  All they did was ruin my body.

It is a shame I was not able to explain to my mother while she was alive why I cried as a small child at my birthday parties.  She told me the stories and she wrote about it in my Baby (Adventure Book, from the movie, Up) book.  Cherith cried during her birthday party…she didn’t understand how as a small child I had such understanding.  They would have brain-spoke, brain thought about, an intelligence man who had died.  And I cried and cried.  It is a good sign.  It would have meant they were a very good intelligence man.

Kevin is a girl, and she regurgitates, that is what a mother bird does to feed her young, it does also look like a vomit-gag reflex, as in hearing and understanding something so grotesque you want to vomit, like burning or abusing a child.  Were those real images from real cases of abuse?  Vomit-reflex, difficult to look at.

Assisting the Elderly badge, this looks like Nelson Mandela, doesn’t it?  Then, that also makes me Russell.  Russell, sell, US, R: my first name, C-1, h-2, e-3, R-4, code: for US sale, or trade.  Because when Kevin is captured, and Russell is upset with Mr. Fredricksen, that is Cherith changing jobs, losing a job, being laid-off.

I am getting tired, again.  Enough for now.  I have a chore list a mile long and I want to rest.

You have some s’plaining to do to this man.

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May 3, 2019

Spanish, Najibullah Zazi, there is a dead man in that man’s face, and I am not referring to Najibullah Zazi, those who need to know will understand, my back goes up when I saw this man.  The Frenchman, suspicious.  Why is there a photo of my brother?  It looks wrong and, in a place, where it doesn’t belong.

Was this a Spanish trigger word, intercepted?

Does he read in numbers?  And not know it?  Not really?  Does he read and code in numbers?  Catastrophically incalculable.

Did someone freak out because of what I wrote about with our military?  Good.  You’ll see why.

Make sure my brother is far away from me.

These are the same stories over and over again, the movie Leap Year, I loved because of all the scenery of Ireland, and how much I want to go and visit, and live in Ireland.  It is also true of Bandits, isn’t the scenery of the Oregon coastline beautiful?

Leap year always falls on February 29, a two and a nine, that’s the President and Vice President, one and two, just to say The White House.  Leap year being in the month of February the same month we celebrate Valentine’s Day, a Saint, and love.

Adam is a heart doctor, a cardiologist, the reason Amy’s (Amy, May, the month my mother was born) character does not live happily ever after with Adam, and get married to Adam (Adam, John Adams former President of the Unites States, and it is biblical, Adam and Eve – this is, again, just YELLING at people for not following orders regarding the handling of Cherith) is for the real Hannibal Lecter to learn about.  The real Hannibal Lecter as seen by others has never been loved, never known love, and never felt loved by his own family, not really.  They’ve been polite to one another, shared holiday meals together, but never known each other for who they really are, and accepted one another for who they really are.

Just because people are related and family doesn’t mean you have to like them, and sometimes it is important to not accept a family member, tough love being an example.

Declan from the movie Leap year looks like this was the attorney in my mother’s car accident who really found me attractive, and really wanted to date me, love me, and so on.  In my mind, I see the way he looks at me, at the time I was trying to get him to concentrate on my mother.

This is the fastest way I can write this scene, Isn’t this about my mother?  Aren’t you here for my mother?

I remember looking at him in the face, in his eyes, and then turning to my mother, slowly.  Get it?

He was a young attorney, thin and lean, like a boy who had not yet reached his man frame.  Men mature, even in physical body much slower than women.

At the time, I would not have seen he was attracted to me, and that would be because there were other people in the room besides my mother, myself, and the attorney.  It messes things up.  And it looks as though people – again – FREAKED OUT – just because this man found me attractive.

Declan owns a bar, attorneys must take the bar exam, get it?  He holds a pen, puts it in his mouth when he first sees Amy’s character.  Was this in the script?

I have no idea why people freak out so often about me, especially when men are concerned.  It just looks dumb to me.

I was reading the “abridged version” of Princess Bride while the trial was taking place.  My mother’s attorney looks distracted a lot, and that could just be because he had no idea why the people in his ear were asking him to do certain things.  Probably because there was some psycho cop who thought he had some claim on me.  The attorney was a tall man, and this psycho cop does appear to be a short man with a Napoleon complex.

If you are a family member of the real Hannibal Lecter and you have not visited him since his incarceration, or if you have and it has not been recently, I would ask you to visit him again, or visit him, and see him.  See if he is the same man anymore.

They already ruined my water filter.  I believe because I will never love them, and whoever is doing these things has no comprehension of what real love is and feels like.

I was trying to warn the Native Americans who had already been in the building that they had ruined my Native American cigarettes when I motioned in the traffic camera because I knew someone was trying to frame them.

I feel like going on strike until this weight is removed.  One thing I am no longer interested in is watching guys drive around because I am too upset about the numbers on my scale.

Who would be motivated to do anything for a group, an organization, or a company when the only thing they know how to do is punish me for being born straight, and loving the men and people I love, and it does not nor will it include them?

I am not interested in David all you women can have him, so what is your problem.  I want him to stay away from me.  I was never interested in that two-bit hustler Edison; I am ashamed of David for associating with him in any way.

Looks like someone in Amazon still wants me dead.  Awesome.  How excited would you be to drive to work?

Obviously, I am mad.

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May 2, 2019

Friend?  For life?  I am not sure he will be satisfied with that.  Nor am I sure the connection can ever go away.  Am I his rudder?  Perhaps that will help a little.  He has never known anyone like me and the loss of such a find is tremendous and painful to him.

Playing He-man, the word, Playing, bothers me.

I very much doubt he would attempt – playing me.  If you people created circumstances to make it appear as such, that is on you and your problem.  He wouldn’t do that to me.  He appreciates, admires, desires, and longs for me no one else seems to understand.  I do.  I know.  I see him.  How’s the family?  Well, I hope.  Getting better the more everyone else knows too?

Yes, the real Hannibal Lecter has a friend for life.  Let that be a lesson to you all.  Why would Cherith do such a thing?  What does and is she seeing something that no one else seems to be noticing, paying attention to, or has bothered to look at all?

Quell.  That is my word for him, he is somewhat unfamiliar with the sensation, having someone be able to quell within him.  Learn to love it, the real Hannibal Lecter, learn to love the quell I can and do create within you.  It will be important in years to come.

I know the real Hannibal Lecter thinks and finds this notion of buying products, as not very smart nor is it appropriate in its usage for a person such as myself.  Truly, I am wondering why he is thankful.  Why does he want to thank me?  Funny and romantic?  He wants to be funny and romantic.  He wants me to see him as funny and romantic.  That was definitely a surprise, I don’t feel like a woman in that way anymore.  No private life, constant 24-hours a day. 365 days a year cameras have taken that away from me.

He was a good doctor, wasn’t he?  He would have had a good career, wouldn’t he?  People and patients mostly liked him.  What is all this arguing and mean, snide comments within his family?

The backyard scene in Bandits, where the concrete trucks drives through backyards, I have seen this too many times in my past.  Is this a training case they use, for instance, in FBI training?  Or is it an unsolved case.  I have seen these woods over and over.  I have seen those woods referenced in other films too.

The concrete truck.  Isn’t altering films, altering as in editing, isn’t that a federal crime?  Isn’t that piracy?  If the concrete scene has not been edited the con would be where I got horse-back ridding lessons, and no he would not have sent anyone back inside or gotten people in trouble, or anything else.  Crete, as referenced in dialogue in Legends of The Fall.  However, for me, what is interesting and important, sidewalks.  Sidewalks are made of concrete, sidewalks connect one house to the next, and houses are metaphors for brains, brain-thinking, story to story, and people.

By now I have written about this enough everyone will be able to see the code within movies and film themselves.  It’s a sort of plug and play, code.  From back when computer programs were fairly new and plug and play became the standard.  Place the disk, floppy disk, CD, zip-drive, whatever into the computer and the code or programs plays or runs automatically.

Was itchy in the original script or was it ad-libbed into the movie Bandits?  If it is in the script it would be a reference to the movie Silence of The Lambs.

The clicking of the jaw in Bandits is my boyfriend breaking another man’s jaw – supposedly – within a few days of me moving in with him.  I am not sure that is a real story, him breaking another man’s jaw.  It could have been a way to try and get me to move back home with my family.  They failed to understand a lot about me.

Lee, in any movie I’ve seen so far is referencing denim, jeans, Lee jeans, I used to own and wear at least one pair.

Jackie Chan, James Carter in Rush Hour, this is Jesus Christ.

James Carter not wanting a partner, could actually just be movie scripting; however, it could also be a warning to – EVERYONE – Cherith is to be handled by straight men, it looks as though they were given specific instruction to have me handled by straight white men only, just like my father.

50 million in 50, 20 million in 20, 10 million in 10, this dialogue from Rush Hour is traveler’s checks, American Express traveler’s cheques.  It used to be a standard when travelling, traveler’s cheques.  With credit cards people don’t have to go to the bank or other business to get traveler’s cheques.  They would be slightly more time consuming to track and trace, also.

Pinkie finger blew up, this is a capture.  Cherith capturing a bad guy.

If you were asking for fifty million dollars would you be in a building like that, it is a metaphor, the building is a person and a brain.  Sending someone to pretend to be me will not be the same or have the same effect.

The word humiliate and then sending the LAPD, this looks like movie scripting only; however, Am I speaking with the FBI?  This dialogue from the movie Rush Hour is me, and people – that is to say, intelligence – did not understand or get the whole story until after Cherith flew back to Florida what happened in the kitchen conversation and what happened in my mind because of it.  They wanted me back in California, they wanted to work with me, pretty badly.

Am I speaking with the FBI, that’s Cherith figuring out that someone else was speaking for the FBI or CIA, they sent local PD because of the freak out that happened within intelligence communities when I returned to California, after having been in Germany and the Berlin wall fell down.  They were freaking out with what was happening, and they probably were using all of their own people to go through the intelligence I gave them and created just by being in the state.

Cherith is the little girl and Lee (Cherith speaks more than one language) in Rush Hour.  Johnson, the character Johnson is supposed to be a lesbian LAPD officer.  They were given specific instructions, straight, while male, for a reason.  It is a brain thing; it is very obvious.  It is more than a mistake, this is someone else putting their sexual agenda, their sexual orientation above direct instructions and orders.  Do you see that?  I was underage, I was only seventeen, this is the illegal gambling and bar scene, I was underage and someone – without really thinking it through – went against orders and sent a lesbian, it’s a brain thing.  Cherith is going to pick-up on it, she is going to read it as a problem because it is a brain thing.

It has nothing to do with Cherith discriminating against gays, it’s a brain-thing and it is my brain, and it is intelligence, spy work, it is very specific.

In the movie, Rush Hour it is played off as funny, humor, and that is a good thing, that is showing the world how Cherith takes something monumentally, in this instance, in error, and takes away the sting, the hurt.  It looks like you have a Captain of LAPD, or whatever local PD I was in the city of, who didn’t really see gays in the Police as a good or bad thing, he seems a little stuck in thinking, this was him then, at that time.  So, what they did is send a lesbian the fastest way I can write this is just to mess with her head.  It looks like she is no longer in local law enforcement, or in law enforcement at all.  They did it just to mess with her head, and Cherith does things like making people laugh, so they don’t have to feel the sting of hurt and shame, or anger.

She was young and probably eager to get bad guys, and it looks like she just eventually left the police because she didn’t feel it was really who she was.

The cost, of such a fuck up?  The cost to intelligence?  The cost of human lives lost that could have prevented just by having Cherith living in the state of California, and back where she belongs in intelligence?  Catastrophically incalculable.  There is no price that can be placed on the life of a person no matter how hard they try and do put a price tag on human lives.

I am Jack in A River Runs Through It, I am Jack because I could read and write well beyond my years as a child.  I haven’t finished the movie yet; it is very difficult to watch.  Endless crying.

I am Logan, Storm, and the Professor in X-Men.

My mother bought me, and I had them placed in my hope chest for so many decades, a marble cheese-slicer, a marble rolling pin, and a marble lazy-Susan.  She bought them at a gourmet home and kitchen type of store, at Lloyd’s Town Center, where there is (or was) an ice-skating rink, the store might have been two-stories, we walked in most times on the first or ground floor, it was near a small store that sold popcorn.  Gourmet popcorn was just becoming the fad, and it was the first time and place I ever had caramel corn.

The dream and nightmare that I fought and killed the man killing my family, and then placing my family alive and well back in my home, was not a test.  It was very real.  The message of my defeat was – intercepted by our intelligence.  Intercepted.

Rick Schroder was in a movie, it could be Two Kinds of Love, I still remember the still shot my brain took of a scene.  This is a crime scene that has still not been solved.  Rick looking to the camera, torso slightly turned away from the camera, and his face turned to his right shoulder, it is in the scenery, something that will tell what unsolved crime it is.  My brain took a snap-shot and I still remember it.

I am really tired of technical glitches causing me to make phone calls I don’t want to, such as Brylane Home not allowing me to order from them or have an account with them.  No, I won’t be calling them!

I have to replace the tray from the toaster oven I purchased because someone wants to kill my real father.  I am sick of you people.  I used to weigh 109.  I am sick of weighing over 120 pounds.  You people can all go to hell for all I care.  This is not a television show.

I don’t have to have a bird bath.  You people are stupid.  I’m done buying bird stuff and that might mean I no longer buy food for them!  Fuck you people!  My feelings, what I am going through means nothing to you people!  All you care about are ratings and a stupid show!  Fuck you people!

I broke up with that FBI man for good.  I am sick of this weight!  And I am getting angrier by the minute!  Fuck you people!

No, I am not supporting the military with cigarettes or anything else including my brain because they have not done right, and I mean correct by me.  Enjoy that.  Height matters.  Duh.  The best our military could do for me is to force weight-gain on me?  I’d rather be dead.  Congratulations you just gave someone in jail something they wanted.

I am sick of you people, and your stupidity, and your nothing games.

AUTHORIZED ACCESS ONLY!

 

May 1, 2019

The word “playing” bothers me.

Who did this?

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May 1, 2019

He misses me.  I’ve been struck by yet another loss, and it’s hard to stop hurting from it, yet he misses me.  At least that is what I am feeling at the moment, he misses me, so I am writing, so people will know, the real Hannibal Lecter is missing me at present.

I washed my hair yesterday and gained 10 pounds because of it.  I spent $300 on shampoo that I feel I must throw away now.  I am using drain de-clogger constantly because they have made it clog the drains.  I stand in ankle deep and higher water trying to take a shower.  That is more than a problem.  I must put hydrogen peroxide in my ears to stop them from getting clogged, so I can hear.

They have me burping and farting constantly by using the “air”.  The paper bags they deliver to me are contaminated with weight-gain, burping and farting, just by me breathing.  What a miserable existence.  I never came Edison.  The whole world knows, I never came.  For other men, I came, not for him.

I leave my house to go to work and gain 10 pounds because of it.

I am not barricading myself within my home.  They want me to block the attic door to stop a felon from entering my home the moment I walk outside.  Whoever this person is they need to leave immediately and stop doing this.

Stop placing facial hair on men around and at work that is somehow supposed to represent my pubic hair?  WTF?!  Since when is that a television show?

I have a cup of coffee and gain 10 pounds because of, get black circles under my eyes, and grow facial hair.

I have a cigarette or cigar and I am sweating profusely.

I have an alcoholic beverage, and I sweat profusely, I gain weight, black circles under my eyes, grow facial hair, on and on.

This is what my life has been reduced to, sitting writing of the wrongs that happen to me while I am at work, and what they have done to my home while I was away.  Who would want to live like this?

This is what has been going on since I dated Edison, since April 2014.  It is like living a non-existence.

When I placed my mother in her nursing home, I was placing my life in order, so I could have a life of my own, I wanted to get married.  Have a family of my own.  It was very obvious that the days of me dating a much older man was not where my head was at anymore.

It is as if they used the same play book they used when I was eighteen and never thought or looked at me to see or notice if it would work.

I wanted to get married and have a family, I was no longer interested in acting, show business, or anything the like.

The real proxy to Tristan in Legends of The Fall, his father would be his strong parent, as my mother to me was my strong parent.  It looks like people thought we would balance each other because of it.  I doubt he has ever been in jail.  However, what I see is there is damage done in both of our lives.  What would have been a natural introduction will be difficult anymore.

Kate Wheeler in Bandits, Wheeler just means the wagons used to transport pioneers to the Northwest.  Probably people saw me brain-thinking about the past in school during History or something.  Kate is code, and it is specific to a specific person, it is in another language, it’s a little complicated to decode it.  It is more than just translating it.

This scene means something to someone else and not me, the cooking scene, the gourmet cooking scene is – Horsey sauce, Arby’s Horsey sauce when I was a pre-teen.  I took the Horsey sauce bottle home with me and put it in our refrigerator with foil over it.  It would mean something to whoever was around watching at the time.

I am not buying into the storyline of two men together make the perfect man.  It was just a way of describing, telling me how I’ve been used all these years.  I am more than over the ear piece speaking.  I am more than over people believing ear piece, hearing aids is television.

I always liked the movie A River Runs Through It.  When I told my mother so, she made a comment about how she didn’t think I would like a movie like that, she believed I was interested in other things.  This movie has the man who wanted to send me to military school.  How could she have afforded it?

How I wish they had not talked to me as a child that needed protecting and just allowed me to know just the smallest detail and amount.  It would have made a world of difference.  My mother could have been happy all these years, and she wouldn’t have been stroke-ridden, and killed.  I really can make things happen.

It is really a difficult loss to re-live over and over and over and over whilst I never get real answers to anything because I am not really living because of a television show.

People make plans for the future, in a few months from now, a year from now, several years from now, and so one.  I have not been able to do something as simple as planning for my own future because my life is now for your entertainment instead.

Delivery system, delivery referenced in movies as code just means, scripture, the Bible.  Nothing more.

I have been to the beach many times in my life, I have been to many water parks in my life.  I have seen a lot of bodies in bathing suits.  I have never seen a woman with a hysterectomy scar like mine, from pubic bone to belly button.  As though I’ve been punished for being born straight.  It is difficult to live with.  I used to cry endlessly after my surgery, what man would love a woman now that the surgery happened to me.

All my dreams and wants for a family – gone.  How many other people has this happened to?

There is some sick thinking there, when you pet a dog if they like you, they roll over and expose their belly for it to be rubbed and petted.

I feel grotesque and hideous and I am having a difficult time.

I do not know who you have around, my sleep has been all out of whack, unable to wake up, unable to fall asleep.  Normally, I guess I would have moved to get away from them.

It’s not bad enough that I go to work, someone breaks into my home and destroys my denim jeans.  I then buy patches to mend my denim, only to have someone break into my home and ruin the patches.  Causing me to then have to stich everything, it is more than time-consuming.  I used to weigh 109.

I did not buy Jordan almonds.  Do you know what they did to me the last time I worked at “Disney?”  Trying to force a Sam, a black man onto to me, it is the fastest way I can explain that.  As if I am not allowed to be attracted to men, I find attractive.  When I did not have any sexual thoughts about this black man, they humiliated me by “spending time” with a lesbian.  This is not acting.  I have no idea what he was trying to do.  It is more than upsetting.  That is not what should be happening to actresses, that is not a television show.  Sleep with him, or else?!

They had an accounting of all the money I had when The Container Store show stopped.  I had Canadian money; it was my mother’s money.  I was saving it for her funeral.  I had other money that I had set aside for my own reasons.  I am very diligent with my money.  I am disgusted with the thoughts of them using my mother’s money knowing they had killed her – for a television show.

This sort of life, this set-up, this should never happen to another person ever again.

I was too upset, you people make me sick with what you have done to my life, my stuff, my person, my cigarettes.

I still miss my Tuesday and Thursday.

I am overwhelmed and upset.