Category: Uncategorized

Continued from yesterday…

Three and a half hours later and I almost feel human again.

I shouldn’t have to take time off of work so I can wash my hair, vacuum my floor, shower, and do laundry (two loads).  But, that is what I’ve had to do.

Three and a half hours.  You got to be fucking kidding me.

4:25pm 1/30/2018 I do not time to finish this in its entirety the way it should be written.  Yesterday it took me a little more than 45 minutes to write Coffee and Breakfast.  To me the writing, my writing is of the utmost importance with everything else following after.  It has been backwards and the other way around for too long.

This is what I had written from yesterday it is not complete – these are notes I meant to expand on when I had the time.

He had pain all over his body.

He served.

Burn victim, but in a good place.  He helps the world with his life.

CYP, I know the difference.  It was meant in a joking, casual, pal to pal, in a teammate to teammate manner.  Spraying someone’s underwear and soap so that their vaginal lips smack and slap together as they walk is sexual harassment.  CYP, was and is not sexual harassment at the time.

Snowman – I loved the tire shot.  Green, red, blue, and not in that order.

Zebra does not change its stripes, I said this at The Container Store – Amy Pohler line 4,1, caused me to bloat like a balloon when I used the philosophy lotion.

The best part about The Container Store – Think Outside The Box!

Toby Maguire – Thank you.  Went out of his way to say thank you over and over at Home Depot.  Was one of the nicest people to me which hadn’t happened for a long time.  He went out of his way to be nice which I noticed.

Princeton blog – what?

My Nike shoes for David, the tire…

Your rules are all over the place, do not make sense, and contradict each other just so you can justify entering my house which you have no right to do.  You don’t make sense b/c you can never enter my equation.  I was born straight.

Crystal Skull, David.  AMC movie, David sitting, brother outside, Pier One, Boyfriend shorts, peace sweatshirt, one-shoulder, flip-flops, casual-chic.

I am the only one speaking and writing the truth.  Ugly bits and all.

Red-headed Tom who worked at MacDill meeting him at Brass tap – David Wolfe.

After the drive to the west coast all I wanted to do was write.  The darkest days even with all the lights on and my cats.  Not watch tv.

4:46pm.

 

Tired.

Blurry-eyed-can’t-see-tired.

Waking up is the hardest thing to do.

Angry and grumpy.

Fuck you was uttered in my bedroom.  Check Your Panties.  Fuck you.  No one, but me should be in my panties.  Anyway, it was a funny point, CYP.

Too tired for food, or dreaming of food.  My coffee is marginally acceptable.  It would be nice to have a coffeemaker, so that it would be already made when I woke up.  I had to stop as every coffee filter I purchased was laced with drugs and chemicals.

Again, I repeat, there is not now nor has there ever been anything wrong with me,  Enough of that at the moment as I have to hurry so that every minute of my personal time doesn’t get wasted away as is a pattern that has been used.

I am remembering a Keanu Reeves movie in which on a building in the background had the words Pet Free Zone written on them.  At the time I thought it was in reference to the fact I no longer had my cats.  I was hurt and upset.  It made me feel as though the Keanu Reeves character did not want me to have my cats.  I still miss my Thursday and Tuesday.  Their loss should never have happened.  However, now I wonder if Pet Free Zone was meant to imply I was not some dumb animal to control.  This is a huge problem.  Not specific leads to misinterpretation and misunderstanding.

Also, understand the reason for the congestion – blocking my nose so I cannot breathe through my nose and am only able to breathe through my mouth – is so that I no longer am able to chew gum.  Chewing gum is something I have always done.  It helps.  I have said I am orally fixated.  Who knows if that’s true.  Chewing gum is a thinking aid as doing more than one thing at a time helps my brain.  Like speaking in an accent.  Sometimes I do this in order to help me get words out of my head.  The wheels in my brain are always going faster than I can manage sometimes.  It is a dyslexic thing – which has been used against me, my dyslexia turning things around so the meaning is not clear and understood to make me appear complicit when that is not the truth – the mechanisms in my brain do not always match up.  One sometime spins faster than the other, so they do not turn together like wheels in a cog.  I don’t have time to explain this better as I am chugging coffee to get out the door, but chewing gum is an aid I’ve used to help me think, relieve stress, as a digestive aid, and for enjoyment.

Bluetooth knows these things.

You have allowed someone(s) access who did not do their job correctly nor did they give a full, unbiased accurate account of their findings.  They had a hidden agenda to which they tried to steer all of their findings.  They left out tons of information they did not deem as relevant or important which in the light of things now could have made a world of difference.

This is not to let the Bluetooth off the hook.  Because not once should I ever have been drugged.  Nor should this house have happened.

You have a lot to account for.

Angry.

Fuck you!

I am still fucking upset!

I am still out-of-my-mind exhausted from having to stay up all night, all day, and all night again just to watch a movie I didn’t get to see in its entirety.

I would write to you about the date I had with Eric at Panera’s after my job interview for a promotion at work.  Fuji chicken salad, protein shake, and something else he ordered.  I never understood why the man behind him was monitoring the whole date on his machine.  He was however, a real body.  He gave great hug.  For a moment I got to remember what it felt like to be securely held in the arms of a man.

Unfortunately, I could wipe the floor with him.  He bored me.  He worried me.  He seemed aimless, and something else.  There was an indescribable withholding of information that set my defenses up.

He never called back.

I never got the promotion.

So, fuck you!

Fuck you, you stupid fucking assholes coming into my house while I’m gone spraying my clothes so I constantly smell like urine!!  Fuck You!

You don’t fucking tell me, motherfucker!

I FUCKING TELL YOU!!

You’re fucking time is done!

You’re fucking pressure washing is fucking done!!

Fuck You!

You don’t fucking own me, motherfucker!

I am not fucking property!

I am not property to be owned!

I am not fucking moving out of my fucking way FOR ANYONE EVER AGAIN WHO EVER WALKS IN FRONT OF ME!!!!  YOU BETTER FUCKING HERE ME!

YOU FUCKING JEALOUS FUCKING CUNTS!

YOU’RE DAMN FUCKING RIGHT IT WILL ALWAYS BE FUCKING MEN, IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN FUCKING MEN, IT WILL NEVER BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN FUCKING MEN!!

YOU FUCKING TWATS!!!

Because I choose honey?!  FUCK YOU!!

You’re pressure washing days and nights are through!

FUCK YOU!

No means no!

I ain’t fucking moving!

I ain’t fucking backing down either!

You BETTER FUCKING HEAR me with both fucking ears motherfuckers!  My drive is not a measure, or action of my feelings, choice, sentiments, or understanding!

Why the fuck do you think I cover every single fucking camera you place in front of me!

No means No!

No means, you are fucking FIRED!

You have officially been put OUT OF BUSINESS!!

Open house if I do, open house if I don’t – FUCK YOU!!

Let me caution you real fucking quick, motherfucker.  You better stop this stupid fucking nonsense real fucking quick of imitating whatever movie I play on my fucking computer!  That kind of copy cat is the reason why there are mass shootings and violence.

AND, FOR THE LAST AND FINAL TIME – THAT IS NOT FUCKING ART!!!!!!

You stupid, unimaginative motherfuckers!!!

Fuck you if you think I am writing to you about – well, any-fucking-thing anymore!  Coming into my home, destroying property, forcing me to go to a fucking movie after only two hours of sleep?!  How the fuck am I ever supposed to get anywhere on time if I am only ever allowed a few hours of sleep every single fucking day!

Then, you fucking hack my internet to make my bank account go negative!

FUCK YOU!

IT WAS NEVER THAT SHORT STUPID, LITTLE FUCK!!!

I WIPED THE FUCKING FLOOR WITH HIM THAT DAY!!  I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!  WIPED THE FUCKING FLOOR!

BOOM!

Drop the mic!

Fuck you, for not being able to manage, or handle, or deal with the fucking amazing fucking person I AM!

You have to spray my clothes to make me smell like piss, so that you feel better about yourself.  So, that you feel you have asserted power over me!  Fuck You!

You do not have permission to enter my premises!  You do not have permission to knock a fucking wall down in my bathroom and replace it with a two-way mirror so you can spy on me and look at my naked body!

FUCK YOU!!!

It takes a fucking coward of a man who belittles a woman rather than holding her in esteem, cherishing her as special, protect her, and giving her the power of choice even if it comes at the expense of your own heart-break.

FUCK YOU for being so little, you have no idea how to be great!

I FUCKING DO!

There is no fucking even-flow.  There will never be fucking even-flow!  YOU FUCKING MORONS!

You’re damn fucking right I disagree with you!  You’re damn fucking right I am not turning around for you!

BTW, David Wolfe could have approached me at Panera.  I have done more than my fucking share for David Wolfe.  If he wants to talk to me, he will have to do it himself.  He will have to man up for a change, and not use a fucking middle man.  But, good luck to that because if there are even words spoken between us it will be a shouting match to bring the whole fucking world down on its knees.  The likes of which have never been seen before.

Fuck you James Franco!  You are going to have to finally admit this stupid nonsense of a marriage was to only trick me.  Motherfucker, I know the marriage proposal was never supposed to be you.  Motherfucker, I know you were only trying to trick me with a fucking woman!  I don’t care that I heard you tell me how much you LOVE pussy.  I fucking saw her.  Stop fucking playing me like I am a dumb hick and a bimbo simply because my zip code is not Orange County.

Fuck you, James Franco!

I purposely STOPPED watching, Out Of Time!  YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES!!!

NO MEANS NO – BECAUSE IT IS MY BODY, NOT YOURS!!!

Jesus Christ, and it takes me two fucking hours to get home from the movie theater?!  You got to be fucking kidding me?!  Then, I am supposed to dick around on the fucking phone because you are incapable of following my FUCKING orders!

Out of stock?!  You got to be fucking kidding me!  I am not as fucking blonde as you think I am, motherfucker?!

You know why you have me in a situation where I cannot speak up and fight back with dialogue?!  I would fucking wipe the floor with EVERY single one of you!  There is not a single person alive or dead I would be incapable of wiping the fucking floor with.  Not now!  Not ever!

There is not a single route I take that should ever involve pressure washing!   Irregardless!!

FUCK YOU!!!

No Means No – You do not get to steal my life and get away with it.

No Means No – You do not get to pretend that what I am doing is acting.

No Means No – You do not get to force me to masturbate and then act as though you have won a victory.

No Means No – You do not get to sterilize me, and not take responsibility for your mistake.

No Means No – You do not get to control time so that I am unable to do write at all.

No Means No – You do not get to take my family away from me.

No Means No – You do not get to replace my family with a studio.

No Means No – You do not get to change the color of my skin.

No Means No – You do not get to kill my cats.

No Means No –  You do not have the right to judge, test, or manipulate my sexuality and pretend that is a show, television, or that I ever agreed to any of it.

No Means No –  You do not get to pretend that I have in any way agreed to any of this since before I moved here.

No Means No – You do not get to keep me as a forced slave.

Yuck!

$100 in groceries and what does that get me?!  Coffee, beer, and water.  You got to be fucking kidding me?!  I am living off of turkey sandwiches because of this fucking green neighbor!

Where is the creativity in that?!

It’s un-enjoyable and miserable.  I don’t dream about food anymore.  I’m angry, hurt, and upset.

I want to mention something about The Container Store.

I was remembering when (after all the walls fell down and I realized everything was faked, and staged) David Wolfe as Alfredo Cruz was pretend working with me at the elfa design center when a female customer approached who appeared gay, and Alfredo prompted and urged me to help the customer.  He said, no she’s ok.  Meaning me.  David thought he could judge whether or not I was upset, capable, happy, or enjoyed pretending to wait on customers, especially if they were gay.  Which I never before cared about at all because they never entered into my equation.

You cannot force a person to be or become gay just as you cannot force a person to be or become straight.

So, gay persons – yeah, of course I was polite.  IT WAS MY FUCKING JOB!  Jesus Christ!

But, David with disguise gone because all I saw was David I did not see Alfredo Cruz, broke my heart urging me to help the customer as if it was not hurtful, as if it my was harmful, as if it was not humiliating, as if it was not embarrassing, for I truly saw the way David believed I was, and the way David thought of me.

That moment is how David made me feel.  Worthless.  I will not describe it further as it is not worth mentioning.  I am sick of ranting.  This is something that never should have been.

Here was “Marvin” and “Alfredo” having me wait on gay after gay customer acting as if I was supposed to be happy by this experience.

I will say this again as my story has never waivered or changed, gay persons – YOU DO NOT BELONG IN MY BED!!!!!!  NOT NOW, NOT EVER!!!!

The notion that I would not be polite, kind, or nice to a gay person is so beyond my comprehension I will not even speak to it.

YOU DO NOT BELONG IN MY BED!

There was an “assignment” at The Container Store that was supposed to help me get promoted.  To write about one of the foundation principles and what it means to me.  Mind you, at this point nothing I did was ever good enough – it was a systematic approach used to manage me that has not changed since.

“Erin” spoke to me about the Communication Is Leadership principle which is the one I eventually wrote about.  However, it was and is not my favorite foundation principle.

Let me share with you a little something called Mind Control.  When “Erin” spoke about Communication Is Leadership my brain and my mind went blank.  Now, just a few hours ago I was trying to remember something.  I wanted to picture, remember, see in my head where Panera was located in the mall.  It is something people do, you look in your head remembering where everything goes and went.  But, I could not see.  I could not see in my own head.  I have been to this Panera close to hundreds of times, and I could not see in my own head and mind.  As if I forgot.  When of course, I did not forget.  I was simply not allowed to use my own brain and my own brain power.

Which is why I wrote about that principle.  Which is why so many things have appeared as though it is and was my own idea, purchase, thought, saying, expression when it has not been.  Because the Bluetooth has not been deactivated.  Because he Bluetooth should never have existed.  Because this never should have happened to me.  Because the Bluetooth has not come forward and admitted the mistakes, and taken full responsiblity.

Just as I am having a terrible time writing at this moment because of the sensation in my hands.  Probably because whoever is near by – bluetooth – does not want me to write.  They want me to watch movies, eat, play video games, and masturbate.  Not my idea of a life.

My favorite foundation principle was/is Fill the other guys basket to the brim.  Making money then becomes an easy proposition.  The point being that service and sales are not mutually exclusive.

Still upset about that store because I loved that store.

Still upset about my Tuesday and Thursday.

And, I am not looking forward to today because it is work.  It is not fun.  I have to plan my clothes, my route, my food, and my time.  It is stress.  It is stressful.  It is neither fun nor enjoyable.  And, do I get paid for this work – nope!  Stress!!

I spend all my days off waiting for my paycheck to finally drop because it drops at different times, so I never knew when it will actually be available.  It does not encourage me to write or do anything other than stress out!  Then what happens?!  My whole paycheck is gone in a matter of hours trying to purchase everything I need and am forced to buy, so that for two weeks I feel emotionally deprived of freedom of choice.

Sick.  Just sick to death.

What if someone told you that you were a star?

What if someone told you that you were a star of a radio program?

What if someone told you that you were a star in a movie?

What if someone told you that you were a star in a television show?

What if someone told you that you were a star, but you were never allowed anything the same ever again?  Would you want to be a star?

What if you were told you were a star, but…

• You were never allowed clean soap again.
• You were never allowed your own ideas again.
• You were never allowed to organize your garage the way it makes sense to you, or the way you want it.
• You were never allowed to drive the way you want.
• You were never allowed to navigate your own driving route – anywhere you went.
• You were never allowed the foods you want to eat.
• You were never allowed to watch the movies you want to see.
• You were never allowed to exercise the way you want to exercise.
• You were never allowed the fragrances you want to smell and smell like.
• You were never allowed to see your mother ever again.
• You were never allowed to be at your own mother’s funeral when she died.
• You were never allowed to see your family again.
• You were never allowed friends ever again.
• You were never allowed to eat with people ever again.
• You were never allowed to eat in a break room at work ever again.
• You were never allowed to watch television in your home ever again.
• You were never allowed to have a private home ever again.
• You were never allowed to date men ever again.
• You were never allowed to have a private life ever again.

Would you want to be a star????

…to be continued

Groggy.

Still groggy.

Groggy and overwhelmed by the amount of work to do, the cleaning to be done it feels pointless.

Humiliated by the Virginia mirror.

Why Virginia?  You had no cause.

Humiliated and ashamed.

Sims4, you are taking up too much of my time.

If you think after what happened yesterday that I am going to watch any more Electric Dreams, you are mistaken.

Just like Star Wars is off too.

This is what I mean by allowing situations and circumstances to be allowed it has an effect on everyone and everything else, and how I think, feel, and see next.

How is that someone is allowed to put sleeping powder in my laundry detergent, so that when wearing clothes I am forced to pass out.  Nine hours later and I can barely get out of bed.  Twelve hours later and I am still groggy and cannot function, or get any work done.

I am so tired of having to be fucking pissed every day!

It is not the way business is to be done.  It is not the way any business should be managed.

In case anyone is wondering, this is not The White House, I am not following any of the President’s.

David Wolfe, the absence of my writing to you speaks volumes.

I do not dream in food anymore.

I am about to spread news of my dissatisfaction with companies that do not deliver products I order, problems with products, and issues with products.  Regardless of where I purchase them.  Because no matter from whom, or where I purchase a product should have no bearing on where I buy gas, where I park my car, what door I use to open or close no matter where I am, where I exit from, what lane I use to drive, etc!

HOLLYWOOD, YOU KNOW NOTHING!

FUCKING PISSED!