I am still so sick and depressed I am not able to make decisions at the moment. This has placed me several days behind.
Why is that?!
Because I asked for time off from work?!
It is depressing.
Someone should be fired for making me sick, and that person is not me.
This is who I always have been, the family boss, the one who made all the decisions. It was the only way I was able to keep the family functioning. I did all the driving because I was the only one I could trust to do it correctly. Driving is something that has been taken away from me in all of this, I no longer have that ability anymore because of the Bluetooth, because of the driving game, because of the damage that has been done inside my brain and head.
Running man, you are in the rightful place. You need to understand that. It is time. You knew it when you started and allowed all of this.
Running man, please do not tell me that what I saw slim brother was the truth. In so much as he did not have a choice or option of Universities. It makes me sick.
Running man, I want to know why I am still these days later – still sick in my stomach?
Running man, running men, let me tell you of the loose town. First there is nothing wrong with going along with a request that is being asked of you. It is not the same as being in agreement. There is not now nor will there ever be country in my family. It is not who we are. If you understood west coast thinking you would already know that. I knew with absolute certainty he would not be happy there. I was correct. In a few months, he began to unravel. Please do not tell me who to blame. I am already too upset.
There can be no les. No lesbian. No lesbians. That is all the proof I need to give, however, there is so much more.
The arrogance of the people I met in loose town were pathetic to me. The real estate agent who said he was glad I made the trip since I was the family boss. He was of no help. I found the place for my brother to stay that should have been his only residence. The head of his department whom I was immediately dissatisfied with. Immediately. Here is a man who is supposed to be intelligent, and what?! He doesn’t even like my own brother?! I wanted to punch him in the face and in the balls within seconds. It was all I could do to remain civil in his workplace. A man who offered my brother a job yet doesn’t even like him?! I wanted to punch him in the face and in the balls. There is nothing wrong with that. The professor who we had Christmas dinner with – this is difficult to put in words – I wanted to leave immediately. She is a person who places all her work, thinking, credibility on the test scores, GPA, her degrees and diplomas, then does nothing with her thinking afterwards. It is vulgar and disgusting to me.
They knew I was not happy in loose town this is why my brother tried to tell me of the Country Club and such places there. How could I be happy when what I saw were people hiding behind the bushes, talking civil to your face then saying something else once your out of ear shot.
Let me tell you what I’ve been seeing because I do not know how else or who else to escribe this problem. Code is meant to be communication. Code is meant to be a way to speak, give information, to talk to specific persons only. Code is not meant for every person. Ah, duh. What I have been seeing in my brainwaves has been a convolution disguising itself as intelligent intellect. It is not. There is such a redundancy it is maddening. It is the stuff of pencil pushing when it is action that is best and required. It is the stuff of asking and demanding for a book report when bending at the waist is the call of the day.
Running man, running men, I do not believe anyone understands how these years have worn my sharp mind to a nub. How would any person be able to continue and live with a governor placed within them limiting the vastness of imagination and possibilities?
I understand the muse concept, I disagree 100% with it. If only for the fact of how it has damaged me. I understand food choices find itself in a movie, masturbation finds itself in a love scene in a movie, word choices with the writing on the wall finds its way into a movie.
However, there is no excuse for making me live all alone like this. None. I am living the life I wanted to get away from. So, why am I not living in my own home? Where I had already made a home. It is not possible to make a home in this place. You know why.
There is one thing I will not comment upon, too easily for it to be misinterpreted, misread, misunderstood, and turned into something it is not.
I found nothing useful in the news today.
Why is that?
I think it is important to share this, for some reason when writing my Coffee and Breakfast’s I had been imagining a place, a house, a property with land and expanse because I saw myself with a large family. I didn’t see myself alone. I created a main house in my head with other buildings such as the kitchen/entertaining building in part because I wonder if it is more cost efficient to heat and cool smaller buildings rather than a massive estate, in part because I felt it would help to have separate places with so many people about. I don’t know why I think that, but I have always been surrounded by people before. When I lived on my own before I had friends and people. It is a terrible crime to keep someone all alone as this. Like a hostage. Like a slave. Like a prisoner.
Depressing.
Still stuck with a medicine ball square in my belly.
August 8, 2018
Day 1, 590
Male Born Men Only, Beards Only. No Fairy, Gay, No Skirt Wearing, Surgically Altered Men Allowed.
I will not apologize for the preface. This is not discrimination. This is about correctness.
Currently I am doubled over with severe stomach cramps. Why? I have no idea. This has happened repeatedly. All I am able to think of it is nothing but pure meanness at my expense.
All these years, my entire life only amounts to dollar signs in someone else’s eyes. What I buy. Placing women in front of me as if they could ever be a purchase. Placing men in front of me for the same purpose.
I am beyond disheartened. It is beyond repulsive to me. It is mortifying. It is shameful. I am so sickened. What hope could I ever have for a life living in this way?
I am beyond words. Being made to live for years without love at all. Being made to live for years without being able to make love to a man in the flesh. For the entire purpose of setting me up on fake dates that was nothing more than placing names on food products as if people could or should ever be bought or purchases. It’s…it’s…it is so sick in its concept the fact that I have had to live in this way it is not something I would ever do. Because of what it places in the world throughout the universe.
I am nothing more than a something to these people. A something to consume. A something to push food in her mouth. A something to watch et nauseum endless movies with pieced together editing and dialogue trying to make me believe a something that isn’t true.
Not to mention the photograph of my cat that someone has distorted that I will not change because I am still so distraught.
I am so unbearably heart-broken, sick with grief, and distraught. Why should I possibly continue?
I no longer have a purpose in life.
Make sure and certain to understand that I have no faith in movie dialogue and editing. I see through it. Make certain you are gone for good. You never had a place or role.
Only a coward blows a fan.
These are supposed to be smart people, yet they have made the greatest and gravest of mistakes with me. I am unable to believe that because I did not give people the reaction or dialogue they wanted that I failed. The mistake is theirs alone. I am unable to believe that because I have more than once diffused an extremely volatile happening while being watched that I failed.
These are supposed to be smart people. I have more than once spoken of the need to overhaul the military, its culture, its governing practices, and ideology. More than once. Decades ago, I knew it was far behind the times to place our nation in its rightful position. Decades ago. As I see it there is still a need, it is still lacking.
Partially it is a regional problem. A thinking, a culture that has yet to get with the program, in a matter of speaking. The days of being regional have been changed with the internet. Allowances made because of acceptance of thinking rather than correcting the thinking and disallowing it to continue.
An example, my Creative Writing teacher in college – whether it is real or not or merely trying to see a reaction I am uncertain; however, this is true – told me she was astonished – not the exact word – at how quickly my writing had improved from the first assignment to the next. There is nothing wrong with that. It has to do with exposure. Because they failed to understand that mind’s like mine worked in such a manner. It is not a typical academic mind. No, I cannot give them any credit. They knew better and did nothing to prevent certain people. They knew otherwise.
These are supposed to be smart people, yet they have let their ideology become greater.
They are wrong.
They are out of excuses with me anymore.
Sop making me repeat myself! The fairies need to vacate and leave the premises at once! I repeat they need to leave as a matter of extreme importance and security they are not well-minded.
I will only ever believe anymore that my bloodline was of such importance it was a threat to someone. Why else would people disfigure me in this way? Lie about its true purpose. There is no excuse for it. I will never believe it again.
Again, too miserable for Coffee and Breakfast. And, you allow this to continue?!
It is not electronic arts factory or warehouse it is blow jobs.
Hand only years mean no heterosexual sex. It means no non-surgically altered penis insertion. It has nothing to do with parents it has everything to do with insertion.
You have no excuse. There has been no reason for these hand years. None.
WE - DO NOT AGREE! 