Category: Uncategorized

Gresham, Oregon, when I lived there was one of the neatest little towns.  Being able to walk to school, being able to ride my bike around town, being able to have a downtown that you can walk around and find something you cannot find in a gigantic-mega store.

There is a park in Gresham I used to go to all the time.  Either by bike, or car.  It was a great park that had a creek through it.  I used to take my shoes off and walk the bank, jump the bank, and try and catch things like crawdads.  I was never successful at that.  But, it was fresh water.

There was a downtown area that had a Rexall’s Drug with a soda fountain that you could order an ice cream at.  It was the neatest thing to me to sit there at the bar and get an ice cream.

Funny memory, it is the first place I remember seeing condoms and rubbers to buy.

The downtown area had all kinds of small stores – you know, small businesses that are the backbone of our economy – dress shops with clothes you couldn’t get at a brand store, a gourmet shop that had cooking classes and items that were few in quantity, a card shop full of stickers, it was the eighties collecting stickers was a popular thing to do.

The best movie theater I have ever been to.  The ceiling was painted with stars, there was a neon clock on the wall, and the lights were never off, but dimmed so if the movie was ever dull, you could look up and see the stars.

You could see movies in the summer for $1.

So many movies I saw there it would take me too long to write them all out.  It was an old-time theater full of character rather than new construction full of television screens.

When we moved there it was so far behind the times from where we had lived I wanted to leave as soon as we moved there.

However, there were wild strawberries and blackberries that would grow on the side of the road.

Oregon, has mountains, desert, or ocean within three or four hours in whichever direction you go.  So, there was always an opportunity to find a new adventure and land.

Downtown Portland was about an hour or so of a drive where you could find all kinds of great stores, art galleries, weekend markets, Powell’s Bookstore, schools, all kinds of neat niches.

Where else in the world do you think there is a Gresham?

I’ll let you figure that out on your own.

We had neighbors behind us that I did not realize until they visited us in Florida that they were a mixed-race married couple.  I just saw him as a tall man with curly hair and nothing more.  He is light-skinned – yet, still.

People were just accepted based on them being people – nothing else.

What else is there?

May 30, 2018

Robert Frost,

STOP TRYING TO CONTROL ME!

STOP CONTROLLING ME!

I and my face find you disgusting.

Stop using the President and the Presidency!  I find it revolting to see you use the President of The United States as a game piece!

You are disgusting!

Stop pretending!

Stop pretending there are any sincere or real feelings!

Relationships do not WORK in this manner!

I don’t know how many years I must keep saying the same thing.  IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP PERSONAL OR ROMANTIC WITHOUT ACTUALLY BEING THERE!

You simply cannot phone in a body.

If this is a working relationship you should be fired.  You are a terrible leader, manager, or go to person.

There is no structure, no set definitions or guidelines.

Please, stop pretending you care or are interested.

You stole my eyeliner sharpener.

Why would I ever find you attractive again.

The way a man treats a woman says a great deal about himself and his character.

All you have shown me is that you are incapable of great feeling and feelings.  That you are unable and do not see me as worthwhile, attractive or desirable.

I find you gross.

I don’t believe any of these news stories.  Probably about 97 or 98% of what I read is not real and nothing more than misleading.  That is a huge margin to shift through.

You continue as if you do not realize I am extraordinary.

My head is in the clouds thinking above you.  I am not on the ground sifting through the rubbish –  this is how you make me feel.

My mind is meant for other things other than your game.

Stop telling me what to wear!

Stop telling me how to dress!

Stop telling what I like and don’t like!

It takes a small man of mind and spirit to impersonate and use the office of the Presidency as a game, as a means of control!

To go back to the day where I saw the woman driving a trailer of horses wearing a hat, I thought she looked like friends of the woman who was in the picture at the White House with the man wearing the glasses, she wore a grey dress.  She is a genuine friend to her.  How nice that must be to have real friends.  I wouldn’t know anymore.  Genuine.

2:31pm – If this is Wednesday, and it is, then it is worse than I thought.  I am in worse condition than I thought.

Why do you not allow me to get better?

You constantly hinder me. 2:32 pm

2:56pm – What I do not understand if the events of 4/24/2018 were not real at all and only a simulation why go to all the work of bringing down people from the White House?

Greatly distressed. 2:57pm

7:55pm – Self-harm.  Self-harm, dreaming of ways to hurt, maim and injure myself has happened – ONLY – since moving here.  It is a terrible side-effect of being listened to, plugged into my every thought and movements while in my own home.  Self-harm and thoughts of suicide.

It was Jared Leto in my head at work who told me I went too fast.  Faster than anyone could keep up with.

What else was I supposed to do?

I’ve lost all heart.  I don’t have the same desire anymore.

So, disgusted with this brown-eyed man at the moment.

Of course, when I went to TCS I said I was an insomniac.  I never had a problem sleeping before, however YOU FAILED to realize the effect it would have on a person when they were living in a house that is alive.  It is not the same as a reality-show like Real World or Big Brother because THOSE people enter the house with the KNOWLEDGE of the camera’s and AGREE to live there.

I DID NO SUCH THING!  I HAVE NEVER AGREED TO LIVE THIS WAY!  I HAVE NO CHOICE!

Lambert loves the smell of lavender like it is cat-nip.  He goes goofy.

You know this needs to stop.  You know you need to end this soon.  It has been too many years like this already.

The movies that you had intended me to see and set me up for I am refusing to view on moral grounds.

8:21 pm.

9:00pm – Yeah, I used to baby-sit for a family who had a little boy named Trey when we lived in the apartments at Oldsmar.  Weird the memories your mind holds onto.  Why do I remember so much detail?  One time I – I never quite understood the relationship between that mother and father, husband and wife, I never understood why she was so stressed out unless her husband was not taking care of her the way he was supposed to or she needed him to – I was holding Trey, she was trying to give me his bottle (I don’t know why she did this) she stuck the bottle in my cleavage in a hurry and was off.  I never though anything of it.  Because I was so overweight.

This is also the time I went on the Bahamian Diet, went to the racquetball courts with my tennis racquet and balls and hit the balls until I felt better.

Once, when I was playing “tennis” – BTW, Andre Agassi was very popular then, I was watching tennis on the television – I worked myself so hard I threw up.  Then, went back to playing tennis.  I would get blisters, they would pop, and I would still play.

Did you know MWB was a driver for Michael Chang at the Davis Cup on Davis Island?  Am I never to be free of MWB?  Ever?!

This was always true and always the case when I baby-sat kids and kids and children in general.  They would reach for me over their own parent.  True.  True story.

I think I have a picture me picking up Trey while I was involved in the Living Stones.

Time and time again, the children would always reach for me to hold them and pick them up.

I am so sickened at having to live here.

I am so disgusted at having to live here and this life.

Am I to believe that David Wolfe was a set-up and nothing more?

Am I never to have a man of my own?!

Are you to constantly pretend to play match-maker?

Please stop lying to me.  My heart cannot take it anymore.

I am truly sickened by your lies brown-eyes. 9:12 pm.

9:15 pm – Why did this happen?  Is this because of David Wolfe or someone else?  I was told in my head some time after I adopted these three cats that “they” did not like animals in the bedroom or on the bed, so I had to close the door when I went to sleep.  I never did this before.  I always felt it was important in my relationship with my animals to belong to me.  This is how animals think, cats live in dens, they need to smell like their owners to know they belong it is a bonding thing and experience that was taken away from me because of a voice in my head or whoever was in my home at that time.

How does this happen to a person?  How did this happen to me?  Why is it that married men are allowed to play pretend with me in my own home against my will?!

Sickened and saddened again as I feel I have been passed around from man to man to man like a plastic vagina and nothing more.

9:21 pm.

9:40pm – Is that Monique Mantha’s (maiden name) mother in the picture with Barack Obama?

The photo of the contractor Security (I don’t know what else to call him) in the dark green shirt, glasses and beard looked to me like the photo was taken without his knowledge as he was walking the grounds.  IDKW I say that, but it is how it looked to me.

So sad.  You have no idea, nor is there anything you can do or in your power to make me feel better.

You would have to end this charade once and for all.

9:43 pm.

10:00pm – Odd, I don’t know what makes me say this.  I have nothing to base this off of other than a instinct, gut feeling, unless there is something else in this house or how you stage the news that makes me believe this.  Is that Will from Disney that I used to work with in a police officer uniform and badly tinted face?  I used to call his partner Grandpa because he was so much older than Will.  I never understood Will.  He was often times, partial to lying, telling untrue stories that felt like the was trying to divert me.

I do not understand this ABC, Roseanne Barr show story other than I do not feel it is wise to see Infinity War or go to the movies.

You have no idea how sad I am.  How unhappy.  How sick and tired of cleaning I am.

10:05 pm.

11:40 pm – How can you not understand this from my point of view?!  You are too hard and too rough on me.  So, the time in question was soon after my bankruptcy hearing.  It was in the day-time, how can you not understand I need more than my own hands?!

You used David’s name, although I knew it was not David.

I will not apologize for saying in my head what I need and needed to say in order to keep people from messing about in my head.

This section has been removed because it was not written concisely enough.  So, I removed it – permanently.  

So, I will not apologize for saying what I needed to say in my head to keep people out of my head.

Now, I am made to believe that…that the brown-eyed special conversation man I saw on the side of the road is the man that was looking with the glasses in my bed after the bankruptcy hearing.  If this is true, I would like to have been able to say yes.  Rather than have it done to me.  I do not believe that is unreasonable.  I do not believe it was him – ever.

It is not the same on one side alone.

I do not get to experience his skin, his touch, hold him in my eyes.

BTW, I never had that experience with Edison.  There was no connection or connecting.  None.

How can you not see how overwhelmed I am in my circumstances, my losses, my grief, years of my life taken from me?!

The truth is I have no idea who was on the other side of the glass until someone finally admits it.

Do you not actually see and know that I am not happy, have not laughed or smiled in years since 2013?!

I feel I am not a fit anymore for human companionship because of these years, this house, and the experiences I had to live through here.

I am not certain if I am made to believe that the brown-eyed man is pretending to be Trump or if that is who I want it to be?

If Trump is being used as the brown-eyed special conversation man than I am embarrassed about myself, my body, and having to be seen in this way.

I do not understand why this has been done to me.

Why have I been segregated from the rest of the world?

There is no measure for my sadness.

12:29 am

May 29, 2018

Robert Frost,

 

Also, did you remind me, or did I remember myself about the Beach Boys?  I don’t know how else to refer to them.  Wasn’t this the test drive in Tampa, I forgot the dealerships name, there was a bright orange Dodge that I did not drive.  I asked for a job.  They told me to bring back a resume, when I returned another day the manager was eating a Cuban sandwich.  It was early morning around 9ish, so it was unusual to see someone eating a Cuban for breakfast.

Ok, so this is painful to see.  I do not understand a drug brain.  I just don’t.  It doesn’t compute for me.  I heard his voice a younger child (relative) of the Beach Boys.  I saw the older Beach Boy sibling who has done a lot of work tidying up, coming behind a problem and having to deal with it.  It’s a wear on him.

When I heard the younger, I don’t know why I say this in my head.  It’s either real or not.  It’s either true or not.  He sounded like he was in rehab.  Pretty quickly after saying rehab in my head, I said he needs to get out of there.  That particular rehab.  In my head I heard, is he getting drugs.  I responded, you already know the answer to that.  If they were asking me they knew he was getting drugs from friends, he was there with.

I saw him the next day, worry and concern filled me because he was excited.

A red flag for me.

I am grateful to be able to share this privately, hopefully there will actually be help for those who need it.  Since, it seems my blog has attracted – I don’t quite know how to call it, something’s that are harmful.

It broke my heart to see him.  To see the older too.  So much work the older has done without praise or glory.

What broke me a little is the younger’s heart is closed.

His heart is closed.

His heart’s mind is closed.

I don’t know how you can reach him.

I cannot offer a solution or plan.

But, it filled me with empathy and compassion.  As, I am writing I placed my hand on his heart.  I placed his entire family’s hands – palms – on his heart.

I don’t understand his addiction as I cannot see his pain.  If he is in pain, he should let all the ugly out.  There is no shame in being ugly or being in pain.  However, there…it seems to be something else.  Is he just trying to get back at a family member?

This fills me with humility.

I hope they placed him in a rehab without the glitz.

I hope he opens his heart.  So, he can hear.

It is a great sadness for me to look at.

Broken family relationships.  There is love there.  Do they know how to talk to each other?  Not talk at each other.  Do they know how to talk to each other where each person is able to respond in return?

There is a difference in talking to someone so that you can reach them inside.

Sadness for me.

Visionworks – I don’t know why this is so important.  No, I don’t feel comfortable sharing this on my blog at the moment.  Weighted Vest?  God, you are so demanding!

I used to work at Visionworks.  I moved 7 times in two years during these years.  It goes faster in my head than I can type, especially with these nails.  Yuck!  Got to go, nails.

So, who actually owned that house where I rented a room?  I gave rent money to Amy Heinz it seemed odd, but who could question her name.  She was a real estate agent.  However, the house always seemed odd to me.  Who designs a house where the garage door that opens into the house opens into the Master bedroom?

AH, he is not a smoker?  Or…there is something there.

Do you know, I used to lie awake at night staring at that window that was above my bed?  Scared out of my mind.  I blamed it on Michael and tried to rationalize there was no way he could get in.  Perhaps it was someone else who was looking from the other side.  Dunno.

I found that rental house from a penny saver ad.  How did that happen?  Seems like too many puzzle pieces.

Yeah, a second bottle of wine with April Clayton the roommate (don’t remember her name) and her boyfriend.  I woke up naked in my bed, thankfully the door was locked.  Was that you?!  Stupid.  All you had to do was ask me.

Lance from Wisconsin came to work at Visionworks, he was from Wisconsin he owned a convertible.  I remember driving in his car singing, More Than Words.  I remember telling him I was exercising.  He said something nice about my body.  I said, I wanted to have Gallagher thighs – just something I thought of in the moment – thighs strong enough to crush a watermelon.  Ha-ha, you should have seen his face as he tried to picture that in his head.

I set Lance up with Nicole who had let me sleep on her couch as I tried to find a place to stay.

I never thought dark-haired Lance liked me like that.  I think that is something I did for myself after Michael.  I was trying to protect myself.

I remember a man came into the store, his job was behind schedule.  They gave it to me to do.  I was not worried I knew it would only take a few minutes.  His glasses were real glass not Poly.  I whistled while he stared at me through the glass while I worked.  It didn’t take me very long.  I got his job done.

Not sure if this was the same man, I cleaned his old frames (gunk in the grooves) in the ultrasound.  It changed the metal of his frame.  They were pretty greasy before.  Anyway, they comp’ed a new frame for him because he was so angry.

Brian Huber?  Was that his name?  The manager of the store who was going though a divorce.  He approached me in the lab one time, backing me into a corner telling me I reminded me of his mother (creepy) and that he was learning to speak Russian.

I reported it as harassment that went nowhere other than me speaking to another man above my manager.  I reported it after I quit.

There was a little girl that used to return to the store every six months.  You could have your lenses replaced every six months for free.  I thought of it as a nuisance at the time.  Perhaps it was a compliment.  I am uncertain.

No one taught me this, I learned it myself when I saw and asked the others why they were using different finishing pads when grinding the lenses.

Anyway, I was able to make lenses thin enough so that there was no lens that stuck out of the frame, yet still at safety thickness.  They don’t do that anymore.  Handcraft lenses for glasses.  No one else in the lab made lenses as thin as me while still keeping the safety parameters.

BTW, what’s with the Sharif look-a-like?

Somehow someone must have told my mother where I was working when I was at Visionworks.

Cannot believe it has been nearly a week since my 2-day cleaning that kept me up for 2 days.  It feels like yesterday.

Oh yeah, I did forget…also, I thought TRUMP PENCE could also be names.  They could be names of persons being held.  POW’s, journalists or reports, American’s held aboard, spies – if such people actually exist.

Is this true, the picture of the man on the Miami balcony in the WP had he been detained or held overseas?  He looks like he has been locked up without cause.

Is this true, the African-American secret service man with the bad skull cap and ‘stache is he a thinker?  Deep in thought.  Way back in his brain thinker.

Of course, when someone – me – is locked up unable to do things freely like go outside, or sit by the water, or go for a run I am bound to yell at someone.

How many more years like this?

I don’t understand the apology storylines.  There is a lot of news I don’t understand.

I don’t quite understand the Roseanne Barr story.

Is this true, is that the little girl from Visionworks in the Ivanka tone deaf story?  How would you be able to track her down if it was true?

Is this true, is that the son of the man of one of the townhouses I canvassed in 2012 over by Symmes rd?  He looks just like him.  He owned a barbershop he told me.  He was a handsome man, well-groomed.  I remember he seemed to know me before he opened the door.  He sorta charged the door as a way to get a reaction from me.  He said he was going to vote Obama.  I remember there was this something else in the air that changed the air for me – it is the only way I can describe it.  My guess, there was someone else present somehow.  Hard to have a conversation with three people if only two are present.

When I returned to the trailer Aubrey made some mention of how that man was attractive.  Yes, he is a handsome man I told her, all the while I am in the back of my head trying to figure out what that something else is…must have been another person.

I get to thank you for calling me fat?!

Then, making me heavier and fat?

I am supposed to apologize to people who make fun of my weight call me fat and ugly?!

I want another job.

Alfredo Cruz – David Wolfe – at The Container Store usually had dandruff on his shoulders.  My Princess Tu-Tu, Tuesday, she had many names had flaky skin on her back.

I was always saving frogs from Tuesday.

I would find frog guts and see Tuesday with a look of, What?  Any questions?

It was just who she was neither Thursday nor Tuesday had a wrong reaction to other animals.

This line of thinking is how I believe it is best in responding.  Sometimes you must take what you have and let it be.  If you try to make something into something other than what it is, it will always be – less than it could be.

Black face.

I don’t know how many years I must write, say in my head, and SCREAM about this.

I cannot stand black face.

I am ashamed.  It is abhorrent that it is allowed.

Putting black face make-up on a person regardless of their color and calling it “art”.

Heavy sigh.

Enough said.

Black face is not art.  Never will be.

It is shameful.  It is disgusting.

Enough said.

The other bathrooms at the breakroom if others are not aware of the consequences.  Are where unauthorized actions take place.  However, all actions other my own are unauthorized.  Therefore, I do not respond to the other direction.

If you are interested in communications to continue then you will have to let go of the restrictions and effects it places on my personal finances, products, etc.

Otherwise, I do not apologize for deleting apps that create undue stress and heavy circumstances.

Puzzle Pieces – Dev Patel who starred in Lion (Lambert, my lion) delivered a Prime Now order on my driveway.  He is a genuinely nice man.  He also starred in Chappie.  Didn’t he back up in the movie in a delivery van?  I believe he did.  Chappie was directed by Neil Blomkamp who is originally from South Africa like my real father.

Dev Patel also starred in Slumdog Millionaire, directed by Danny Boyle who directed Frankenstein starring none other than Benedict Cumberbatch.  The persons sitting to my right in the theater were there to listen and observe me.  I did not pay them much attention as I was aware they were there to observe me.  What is there to see really?  Nor did I react when they tried to initiate conversation or a response from me.

Is that all the puzzle pieces?

It goes so much faster in my head.

There is a picture of me that my mother swore I was holding a man’s (teenager) hand when I was not.

I did not then nor have I lied about this.

Paul…something.

As a church group we stayed at a cabin with no plumbing.  Not a good experience for me.  Not merely because of the plumbing.  It was a one-bedroom cabin, a small kitchen, with one other room.  There was probably nearly twenty or more of us, so it was more than crowded and cramped.

At the end, they took a photo.  I placed my hands at my sides with my thumb on the seam on my denim.

Just awkwardly posing for a photo after a not entirely pleasant experience.

In the photo, it appears as though he and I are holding hands when we were only close to each other.  Not even close enough to hold hands.

Paul did like me, I probably should have let him marry me.  As I believe he had ideas for he and I because then I would not be here like this.

I want my life back.

Are you a big thinker or a small thinker?

Do you know?

I think big.  Bigger than I can facilitate of my own means.

Here is an example, when I cook, when I’ve cooked in the past, I cook enough to feed a firehouse.  It is just how it is.

Cooking for one person on a budget is not cost-effective either.

Sure, you can cook for one person however if you need to keep to a budget you will be eating the same meal over and over again for days.  Brain – switch off.

Isn’t that what your brain does when it is not fed variety?

Mine does.

My mind is galaxies and miles and miles down the road, then I hear something.

Huh?

What?

Back to a different state of mind.

They use trucks, you know.  As mobile listening devices to me, I can hear it the din of the inside of a truck and vehicle when they speak or are listening.  It’s noisy.  Of course, I want to switch off my brain after so much noise.

Bigger than big.  Bigger than huge.

Fill in the details as I go or another time, I think big.

Driving home from work this morning as I was merging into traffic, there is a man trying to get my attention.

I am in no fucking mood man!  Get the fuck out of my way!  I am in no mood.  I am fucking pissed as hell.  Get out of my way.  Blue pick-up truck, I understand you want me to look at you, but I am in no mood.  I am mad as hell!

Trying to calm down, I don’t know how that is going to happen, I see a name that reminds me of one of my first boyfriends in grade school.  Greg Latimer, was his name Greg?  Latimer is correct.  Greg (Greg was Lambert’s name before I adopted him) was it?  He asked me to be his girlfriend.  I remember walking around the schoolyard holding hands.

He asked me to be his girlfriend.  He kissed me.  He held my hand.

One afternoon, I returned home and was headed back out the door to play with Latimer when my mother stopped me telling me to brush my hair.  I thought, he already likes me why should I brush my hair?

I brushed my hair.

It’s important.  Taking care of yourself, speaks volumes.  It is not a definition of a person.  It merely speaks volumes.

There was another couple, I forget the girl’s name.  However, the boy was Jeffrey Stur…something…Sturbridge?  Something like that.  He had the oddest way of rubbing his nose.  Take your hand turn it into a fist with the thumb facing you and rub your nose up and down.  That is how he rubbed his nose.  Like he wanted it to fall off.  He rubbed his nose so vigorously and hard.

I remember looking at him thinking there must be a reason why he rubs his nose that way.

Looking at it now perhaps he had allergies or something of the like.

The four of us used to walk the playground together.

What I remember about Latimer was how short the time we were together.  He soon moved with his family to Salt Lake City.

Now, I did an unusual thing that I didn’t understand at the time, still don’t entirely.

I always see this stop when I look back at that time with him.  There was a stop, I didn’t understand.  I suggested that we should switch partners.  Very unusual for me.  It is brazened and hussy-like, so I don’t understand it.  It didn’t last very long, me with Jeffrey and Latimer with her.  It was a mistake.  We went back to being boyfriend and girlfriend, then he moved.

If you are wondering of the connection, I waited on Derek Hough at The Container Store.  He asked for help with a purchase of a blue zip organizer for his electric bills.  He used the word, cool.  I also saw him as he nearly hit me when I was at EPCOT.

If you are wondering about another connection, let me share.  As the Bluetooth and other means are fully aware.

Hollydale Elementary school in Gresham, Oregon was one of my favorite schools – I got to walk to school.  Best thing ever.  Even after Mt. St. Helens erupted and ash was still on ground inches thick for several weeks, I preferred to walk to school rather than ride the bus.  Because I could do it on my own.  Freedom.

It was a brand-new school as it was a brand-new suburb with an open classroom concept that I believe is not a bad idea.  We fourth, fifth, and sixth graders shared one classroom with different teachers.  The idea that the exposure to different ages would help facilitate better social interactions and developments.

One of my favorite science experiments in that school was growing corn because mine grew taller than anyone’s.  In a little paper cup my corn grew taller because everyday after class, during class, anytime I got to get away from class I went to my plant and talked to it.  It also gave me a chance to look out the window and enjoy the view.

One afternoon, all classes were being let out early to go watch Star Wars, so it was a more relaxed school day.  I did not get to watch Star Wars, I was sent out of class to wait in the hall where the teacher forgot all about having sent me out in the hall.

I was more entertaining than the teacher.  Imagine that, me, more entertaining than a middle-aged white male with a white man’s afro in the eighties was more entertaining?  Hardly a difficult task.

There is a puzzle piece here as Mr. Folstad drove a VW.  I have a vintage art poster of San Francisco with an orange VW bus.  See other writings and postings to make the connections.

On Sunday’s the church I went to, I forget the name, used Hollydale Elementary facilities for services.

So, I wonder if Latimer knew he was going to move and that is what prompted him to ask me to be his girlfriend?  I wonder if this is the stop I saw.  Or, if I was just inexperienced or young?

I wrote and wrote him for several months after he moved.

Then, stopped.

Not everything I see, not every person I see, not every piece of knowledge that I witness or have access to will I share on my blog.

Do not be dismayed.  Do not be discouraged.  Do not despair if you know I see and hear you and do not write about it – here.

Do you think that I would let harm come to anyone if I can prevent it?

If you believe so you are mistaken in every way possible.

If there was not a reason or purpose for privileged conversations, they would not exist.

Not every bit of information should be shared in real time, as it happens.

A wise person takes counsel from many people and many sources.

Just doing as your told.  Just kowtowing is not in everyone’s best interest, nor is it in mine.

Do you believe I would simply follow without other knowledge?

Or, are people doing as they are told to without knowledge of the reasoning behind it?

There are other stories and works being done here.

Life is not a rat race.

Life is not about a series of problems.

Life is about living.

So, please take a moment, take the time today or as soon as you are able and give of yourself in some way.  Perhaps it is just a gesture.  Not everything that has value and is worthwhile has monetary gain to it.

Take a moment for others, or for just one person.

You have no idea how it effects the entire world.

When I first brought home my three cats from the shelter, I was and am still grieving for my Thursie and Toots McGoots.  Thursday and Tuesday.

Sitting at my computer one day, Murphy, this orange and white cute guy of a cat.  Because Murphy is 100% guy.  G-U-Y.  He is all boy and has no problem whatsoever being cute or loving.  Jumped into my lap, curled up purring, and stayed there.

I wept.

Immediately.

I started weeping.

My mother.  How much my mother would have loved to have known a cat like Murphy.  It is what she wanted in a cat, a companion to keep her company.

Some know this story.  My mother had strokes for years.  Mini-strokes.  What was I to do?  I had to respect her wishes.  She didn’t always follow the doctor’s orders.

Once I called the police because she had gone driving, I have no idea how she was able to drive and drive back home.  Not a joke.  True story.  Her head…was, well…she was being protected I saw in her returning home.

When I saw the movie Matrix at the theater, I went because I was invited by a friend.  However, I was uneasy.  A social life is important, so I went.  I called my mother after the movie to check on her, she told me she was fine.  I didn’t believe her.  There was nothing else in her voice to tell me otherwise, I just did not believe her.

Driving home, I was – like a tightening in my lungs where I couldn’t expand my lungs to breathe, I was worried.  I didn’t know what to do.

I found my mother sitting down in the sun room looking out the sliding glass doors.  Her back was to me.  I was talking to her, it wasn’t until I walked in front of her that I saw the skin on the left side of her face had slid off.  Snowball was sitting next to her in the chair.  Curled up next to her because Snowball knew there was something wrong, she did what she could.  She stayed with my mother and didn’t move.

What to do?  How to react?  It was a mini-stroke.

I have not been able to forget the picture it created for me.

At first it looks peaceful.  Looking out the window at the scenery.  Sitting, enjoying the view.  It isn’t until I was able to face her that I saw the destruction and the killing.