Category: Uncategorized

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April 2, 2019

I don’t have time to write, Fatal Attraction is about my real father.  I am the rabbit.  A real fatal attraction, they never had sex.  Douglas, My Uncle’s name is Doug, his wife Trudy had the stroke.

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April 2, 2019

Do no harm, then you don’t have to apologize.  Be very careful here also, there is nothing wrong in saying you’re sorry.  There is no shame in saying, sorry.  Sometimes it is appropriate, sometimes it is the correct thing to say.

It takes more skill to do no harm.  It takes more courage to do no harm.  It takes more wherewithal to do no harm.  That does not mean you allow another person to continue doing harm to yourself or others.

You people showed your prejudice – not mine.  You people created a story because I was talking to my cats on my balcony, and I was truthfully talking about how Murphy surveyed a black bird.  You people turned the black bird into a terrorist for a story – NOT ME!  YOU PEOPLE ARE STUPID!  You literally, in turn, handed money to a terrorist by placing heavy weight on me.

Let me explain something, the Taliban is the muscle, this dialogue from the movie 12 Strong tells me and others that the people, the financiers, the people and families with the money and connections to buy and pay for weapons, bombs, guns, etc. are overweight and obese on purpose, to be seen from miles away as money.  It is a way to protect themselves in a manner of speaking.  I do not live in any Middle-Eastern country, and anytime I have purposefully been a body-size that did not exist in my mind was a way to align me with others in the Middle-East that I would, most likely, not have done so.

The definition of my name, Cherith means – safe place.  Vatican cameos from that episode in Sherlock with a safe and looking away is a way to describe and show something pedophiles do to little children.  Looking at children in the eye and face, making eye-contact to do harm – in their mind.  So, do I mind?  No, I don’t mind I will hit gladly hit you in the face if it is what is needed to protect the children.

Her hairdo up in that way is to show a hat, and hats, it changes a lot, it can be read, if you want to look for people.

I don’t know how else to say this, the picture of Erin and Rene they placed in Facebook with Rene with her back to a wall and Erin in front of her appearing to be in a sexual way – is an actual HIT they and others placed on David – FOR REAL AND IT IS STILL PRESENT.  The fact that Erin tried to appear as my Aunt Trudy means someone she knows for real as a person actually KNOWS who hired and hit my Aunt with a stroke.

It is really difficult for me to watch so much unhappiness in my life and my family members lives when happiness is really not a difficult thing to achieve and have in life.  Um, no, I never hated these men.  I would say they underestimated me.  I am and was more capable then I’ve been given access to.  That is not the same thing as hate.

It’s ok, father.  Don’t worry.  It’s ok.

My weight being above and at 120 literally is telling someone and placing – this is so gross – my brother ON ME!  It is code for my brother’s birthday without – the ZERO!  MEANING WITHOUT THE FBI!  WITHOUT THE 100%!  WITHOUT ANY AGENCY PERSONS!  WITHOUT THE WHITE HOUSE!  IT IS LITERALLY ALLOWING SOMEONE TO VISUALIZE AND HAVE ME SEEN IN A SEXUAL WAY WITH MY BROTHER!  GROSS!  IT DOESN’T BELONG TO ME!  YOU FUCKING IDIOTS!  JESUS CHRIST, YOU FUCKING MORONS!  Worse, it is probably a gay person, a gay male who does not understand what he is actually doing!  You fucking idiots!

FBI man, it is still in that building since I’ve seen you.  It was still there last night.  There is someone working in that goddamn building who is working against me because I am more than able to defeat terrorism.  I don’t like that.  It means you have someone real close to you who is working against you.  I don’t like that.

Don’t tell the truth to the bad guys, people do not buy into that dialogue from the movie The Spy Next Door.  That is all I will write about that.  Do not buy into that dialogue.

I am Mikhail Baryshnikov in the opening dance scene.  I am seen as him by others, they do not confuse my gender with him.  Bary- shn, shin, knee-ikov.  Him being shirtless is to have Russia seen as a Christian nation.  To be seen as Jesus Christ on the cross.  As a Christian nation and not a Communist country.  It is important, and it worked.

What are you going to get because I wrote that paragraph?

Throwing a ball up in the air and catching it, throwing any object up and catching it is a good sign, it is a good tell I used to do.  The last time I remember throwing anything in the air was at The Container Store.  It tells me I was actually lonesome for someone.  Most likely a male-born Russian who I felt was like family to me.  I see a Russian dignitary also.  Probably from the time I played softball in Oregon.  It looks like someone read me correctly and connected me to the other person and now they are dead.  FUCK YOU PEOPLE!  Lonesome for them.  Like family.

I said, you are fucked!  You are fucked because I remember now!  I know who I am!  It cannot be turned off!  What I see will not be turned off in my head, then Brandon walked over to me with his laptop and spoke about a final warning!  WHO IS THIS FUCKING ASSHOLE!  WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS?!  WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS COMPARED TO ME?!  Do you know what these fucking prisoners will do to him in prison once this is written?!  Because I do.  I know!  COMPARED TO ME?!

I have zero tolerance, zero patience, zero allowance for any person working against such agencies as the FBI!  ZERO!

This medical research and being able to calculate hits with medicine, tells me it is a way they are getting paid, meaning it can be tracked and caught by the medical records.

I am going to be late again today because I am too goddamn fucking tired!  People need to know this before I get to work.  I can hardly move!  I am too tired!

 

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April 1, 2019

Wow, another day of soggy underwear.  Who wants to work for that employer?

I am not a paid actress.  I am not in any acting union.  I do not receive any monies that are associated or connected to any acting jobs or employments of any sort!  You CANNOT direct me!  You CANNOT tell me what to do, considering it a television show and job when I AM NOT PAID FOR IT!

FBI, you got a real problem.  I will not be catering to the whims of drug/crime families.  They want me to buy an FBI hat or FBI t-shirt, then they are willing to do something.  I will not.  It is not true.

FBI, you got a real problem.  Real Problem.  That is all I am going to write about at present.

Of course, I requested time off.  Look at me.  It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what you people are displaying to the world.  You are the World’s Worst Caregivers.  I used to be pretty.

Chris, you know better than to speak negatively to me!  I suggest you listen!  Listen to me!

This is really huge, connecting toilet paper – something that is considered sanitary and required in the removal of waste – and human contact of any kind to any other human being.  Nobody needs any more motivations to kill other people.  They actually had placed hit on a white woman, they were going to mutilate her genitalia.  She would have been a name that when it was read in news stories, everyone would recognize her name.

SHUT THE FUCK UP, CHRIS!

If you actually got tribes in South Africa together, then they actually did not want Chris in any way to be seen telling me what to do!  Honorary member.  That is the closest explanation, not translation, explanation.  They made me an honorary member.  It has nothing to do with ladybugs, or bugs, it is more closely related (my father) to military, not fighting, as a peacekeeper, honorary member.  Someone who wants peace does everything possible to avoid bloodshed.

You would have to be fucking stupid to think or believe that the ex-cons in Tough Guys capturing terrorists are actually ex-cons.  Who the fuck do you think captures terrorists?!  They are fucking federal agents, uh, DUH!  Jesus Christ!  Do you actually want to be known as the person they have near-by just to hear me say and scream, you’re DUMB!  You’re Stupid!  Moron!  You’re wrong!  Do you?!

Mexican vanilla is my mother and ME!  How old was I?!  I was less than five, I am sure!

Jesus Christ!  It’s a fucking television show!  It’s a goddamn movie, it’s not a fucking bible!  It’s not a documentary!  It’s not an autobiography!

Fucking hell, man this stupidity!

The train crash in Tough Guys actually looks like the auto accident Mark Hamill was in after starring in Star Wars.  Luke Skywalker, Skywalker, go walk-about.  Sky, Heaven, where God resides.  Mark Hamill’s auto accident is connected to my brother’s car accident is connected to South Africa.  Work it if you haven’t already.

I still have a boulder in my stomach, I still weigh too much, I have dark circles under my eyes for no reason, they do not belong to me, this weight does not belong to me!  You are displaying that you are the World’s Worst Employer!  Look at who I was, and who I am NOW!

Of course, I want time off, I’m FUCKING TIRED!

This is someone’s old code, books of the bible.  However, make no mistake Leviticus, means Levi’s to more than one person.  It was a mistake to alter any of my clothing, especially my Levi’s.  They would be associated to more than one person as Israeli’s, Hebrews, Jews, Jewish persons and so on.  Again, it is a mistake to have altered any of my clothing connecting any person to me that I am not aware and do not approve of, then saying it is for a television show.  People actually know who I am.  And, I actually know who I am to them now.  I actually have trained men.  More than once.

There was a reader who would have known that my calm demeanor and person did not mean I was unaware of danger.  It is an absence of panic.  Someone wanted to change that.  These are very powerful men who also would have understood that an absence of panic is more than a good thing, especially in a woman.

Lt. Uhura from Star Trek is my mother.  Wow, the 60’s were a different era and time, weren’t they?!  My was never seen as any other person other than herself.  You would be dumb to think and believe otherwise!  Communications.  Got it?!

Books of the bible: Matthew, Mark, Luke, John.

Matthew – Mat, Tam, I don’t have the time or resources to write the answer here.  To me is say Vietnam, Tam.

Mark – Arm.  It just says Arm.  It could mean the Second Amendment, it could mean tattoos given to Jews, it could mean a lot of things because all I see, is – Arm.

Luke – Klue, Clue.  The Rescuers had a Luke.

John – Does not mean Hon, or Honey in connection to my brother in any way.

I am not changing my clothing for work, I am just too tired at present.

I am too tired, I am too tired, I am too tired, I am too tired, too tired, I am too tired!  Got it!

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March 29, 2019

Bank robberies don’t mean bank robberies.  Train or bank robberies in film and movies do not mean actual bank robberies, they are metaphors.  Anyone figured out what the metaphor is?

It means terrorism.  Specifically, terrorists and terrorism.  Bank and train robberies are code in just about every instance I’ve seen in film are metaphors for terrorism.  Don’t be fooled, I, if not you, want Mexican vanilla to win, Tough Guys.  You’re stupid if you think it has anything to do with rules, or anything else.  What it means is the United States defeating terrorism, and nothing more.

In truth I had not yet tried my Santa Monica coffee mug until recently.  You did an injustice to me.  Again.

Pages sent into the wind.  The visual in film of typed pages being sent into the wind, in every instance I have seen so far, The Ghost Writer, One Day, actually means agents, intelligence officers, good men of such worth they were put in film because the pages lost in the wind are dead men.  The knowledge and information they had being lost because they are dead.

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March 29, 2019

My brother’s name is Creggan Jon Gjestland.  I have never given him a nickname.  I have never tolerated his choice in allowing people to call him, “Craig”.  Ever.  His name is Creggan.  Not Craig.  I will accept nothing less.

If anyone is reading anything I write about, and see the movies on my list, then you will all start to see the reoccurring theme of me as the teacher and the child, a child at the same time.  That is me as the Doc, and me as the child in The Power of One.  The young child is me protecting my brother and being able to keep predators away from him just by being his family.

Be aware what has been done with my bum, with hurting my under-region, what you have literally done is an act of war.  I didn’t wear my other denim jeans, on purpose, for a reason.  Someone thinks they are clever, cleverer than me, they believe that a pair of pants actually has some significance.  It doesn’t, they don’t.  Someone believes jeans that I wear is associated with “acting”, “act”.  Um, no.  However, I am so disgusted with you people.  Someone allowed an act of war.  I did not.

The reason Doc is a German Doctor, is – again – just about brain research.  German for me when I was in Germany, and yes, one of the people I helped capture and bring to justice in Dachau was a Nazi officer who had not yet been brought to justice for his war crimes.  I did.  I helped bring him to justice.  There was more than one person represented when I was in Dachau, they each had their own representation.  It is the reason it is so massive I have not yet brain-worked all of it.

A doctor because this is about brain research and creating victims from birth, manipulating people with their mind, and criminal behavior.  I had a garden of my own when we lived in Oregon.  My mother gave me a piece of our property to plant and work however I wanted.  My brother was given the same opportunity by my mother, I am not sure if he continued with it.  I did.  I was always in our yard.  The backyard was where I had my land, we also had a garden where one of the vegetables planted was, corn, A Field of Dreams.

It makes me the Rainmaker because of my name, Cherith, a brook, a safe place, a refuge.  It just means water as it is seen in The Power of One.  Clean, pure, drinkable water, my name, Cherith, that is what the Rainmaker means, that is what one of the aspects of the Rainmaker means.  Study.  I heard, study.  Not to study, not to learn, nothing other than, study.

I still have a boulder in my gut that has not passed and deceptive dark circles under my eyes.  I am so unimpressed with you people.

My father’s name is Norman Arnold Gjestland.  Make no mistake he is in the film, The Power of One.  Somehow, probably at my father’s workplace starting, most likely, in California, things my father spoke about were then given by written communications to Nelson Mandela while in jail.  In prison.  If the evidence hasn’t already been destroyed, or worse altered to appear differently, is another matter.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt things my father spoke about were given to Nelson Mandela.

Make no mistake here, the reference of black and black persons as it pertains to the movie of The Power of One as criminals does not exist in the film.  Not at all.  They are just persons.  Everyone is just a person and nothing more.  Black, White, Tribes, Tribal, English, Afrikaners, they are all just people.  No such reference to criminals exists in the film.  None at all.

The reason Doc went to prison, is just history, South African history and nothing more.  It has no bearing whatsoever on me as a person, being clean or dirty, or a criminal, it has no bearing whatsoever on any of my family.  None.

The tobacco leaves are literally someone else.  They are a person.  He would have been a male adult.

My maternal grandfather, Mickey was his nickname not the name on his birth certificate, my maternal grandfather taught me to box.  Every time he visited, he – he had a really good laugh, he had such laughter – would bond with me by boxing.  It was fun for him.  Watching a girl and his granddaughter with her fists up.  My mother approved of it, when my grandfather was not around, she did not discourage me from continuing to practice boxing, throwing a punch, my stance, etc.

Maria is my paternal grandfather that was killed.  Maria for my mother’s horse in Canada.  This would then be a US subversive working against the United States government killing my paternal grandfather.

My brother wore a patch on his eye as a child, I think it was to correct his lazy eye.

The elephant scene with Dabula Manzi is just storytelling, and movie stuff.  It is not from real life.  My father speaks Zulu.  The real-life version is me at Busch Gardens when we were on vacation, I must have been thirteen, watching some show they were putting on in an outdoor stadium-type setting, and bringing the elephant on stage, then having the female performer stepping on the elephant to sit on top of him while someone else nearby, someone trained, and not just some random dude, someone nearby speaking, inaudibly, most likely, peoples names, then it looks like they continued after the names, and spoke, inaudibly, things that happened to them.  It caused me so much pain I had to leave, I did not tell my parents where I was going, I just got up and left the theater.  It was just too painful.

The character Miriam is for Miriam Makeba.  However, be careful, the blanket and giving the blanket to Maria is about American History.  It is about the giving of blankets to Indians, Native American Indians.  This is the reason, one of the reasons, and yes, more than one person truly thought that tribes and different tribes would actually listen to me when I was just a child, one of the reasons I was sought after as a “teacher”.  The reason the scene is in the movie and I am able to see it and understand it, it is about intention.  The intention behind the giving of those blankets to American Indians.

They run this way, they run that way, meaning they have no plan.  They do not look to the future and build life for children and future generations.

I planted the Russian with my brother on purpose.  It was these Russians and not all of them are ex-con’s, these Russian’s who thought this notion of my family being exiled and banished from California because my brother is gay was dumb.  It is also good because men like him scare men that need to be scared.

Because my brother is gay, he could not be used by proxy something people wanted, to use my brother by proxy to the male members of the British Royal family.  It simply could not work because he is gay.  They got me instead.  I have been more than once and more than one male member it appears been used by proxy for persons in the British Royal family, and they would have been male.  No, nothing about it says transgender.  And, it appears to have worked very well.

The reason Stephen Dorff was cast, has to do with his real family.  There is something in his real family history that will make sense.  He is named P.K. for Preacher’s Kid, that is my father, he is a Preacher’s Kid.

The bed-wetting, never happened to me, I am uncertain if it happened to my brother.  However, it is about these fucking assholes going to children at night and making them afraid.  Afraid among other things.

The fight, I won, of course.  Have you all figured out how the fight happened and what it is about?  Brain research.  The fight is me in my sleep with this stupid fucking asshole creating a nightmare dream of an intruder breaking into my home and murdering my whole family, leaving me the last victim to be killed.  I said, no.  No.  No.  No.  NO.  NO!  NO!  NO!

You stupid fucking idiots here gave it all back to them with the listening devices and implants.

As a child I fought probably a most feared man, and he has suffered because I DEFEATED him!  You people have been lied to.  It is the only way the devices and implants could have happened.

You morons let a white Afrikaner speak negatively to me at work.  A man probably from a good family, who has never been in trouble or in jail, and you had him speak negatively to me.  I have not wanted to write this because all I see is death.  The only correction I see that will work is to send him to jail with real prisoners for some time.

Make no mistake, I am the white rabbit, not the other way around.  Ask my father about the farm we visited in Oregon.  The house was painted white, they had rabbits, and apple trees.  There is something there.  Something that is not what it appears to be and that doesn’t mean it is bad.

Geel Piet is Nelson Mandela, pay no attention to the death of the character.  This was meant for me, not you.  The death means Nelson Mandela was NOT defeated while in prison, not DEFEATED by the bars of incarceration.  It is truly much bigger than I have time to properly write about.  To properly write about.

I am not sure when Nan and Leif Gjestland went to South Africa and got that bracelet, it looks like they went before the movie was made.

My father was born in South Africa I could have dual citizenship if my father had kept his passport current.  What I see is people wanting me to be seen, photographed, and standing on South African ground and soil.  Because they believed in me and what it would do for the stability of the country and government.  What I see is people, more than just South Africans and South Africa, asking for me over and over again.  And people not being able to understand why there was never a way made for me.  It is possible for money and a way to be made, to have been made for me.  I have been denied nearly all my life, with finances being the biggest problem.

I have a scar on my left knee, it appears they discovered a way to target the human body with disease, infection, cancer, and things such as cysts.  I had a cyst removed from my right knee.  I was given a cyst intentionally.  I was targeted because of the movie, Point Break.  They then gave me fibroid cysts, intentionally.  Specifically, because of the movie Point Break.

Race mixing and all of that in the movie The Power of One is just history.  Do not read more into it since it does not exist.

PK teaching blacks is about my father teaching the Japanese exchange students in Oregon.  The answer to my paternal grandfather’s death is with the host families in Oregon.  The answer will be found with going through the host families, the names specifically.  You will see it.  You might need to question them; however, it looks like you will be able to figure it out just by their last names.

They were so excited to see me in Austria, these South African’s, straight men, were excited to see me.  Just as they were excited to have me in Germany.

Gideon Duma killing Sgt. Botha, the movie makes it appear that he killed Sgt. Botha did not happen in real life.  It is a wish, or a wishful notion, as a means for redemption of my dead grandfather.

I could go on, I am tired.  I again weigh too much.

My mother loved elephants.  If I had an animal representation of me, it would be the black bear.  Do not get confused, I am in no way, anything other than me, I am in no way any other color other than me.  This happened after I had my cat, Babee Bear, he looked just like a black bear from behind with his Manx tail.  He was more than one color, and it is a bond between human and animal that not many people get to have or understand.

What would your animal be?

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March 29, 2019

Edison is dead.

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March 28, 2019

I am not afraid of you, of any of you.  I never will be.

You are a nothing.  You are nothing.  He is a nothing.  Nothing.

If anyone has wondered where I have been since I have not written, I still have a boulder in my gut the size of the state of New York.  Two days straight I have been hit in the nose going to my gut as they want to blow me up, blowing me back to God.

Wow.  You are a nothing.

Chelsea used the word maintain in connection to me and The White House, get this criminal away from me.  Get this criminal out of The White House.  It is the reason I wore the I don’t agree with you t-shirt and black skirt.

David don’t come near me.  Don’t look my way.  Don’t come to me.  I don’t believe you.

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March 26, 2019

I am still blowing out black gunk from my nose all these hours after work.  Not to mention the inner-ear problem I have, the swimmer’s ear, I think it is referred to, is still making me sick.  Then, I arrive to work yesterday, dubious of what I believed to have changed because that is what has been played out over and over being “tricked” into believing they have changed something, and they did not.  A black woman doused me with air causing a puddle in my underwear.  I had to work my whole shift with a puddle in my underwear.  I now have an irritated under-region that I must work through.

Does Brandon believe safety is important?  Some stupid question like this they put on my screen at work.  This is not a yes or no question and it can be looked at in many different ways.  There is not any specificity in the question.  How did I read it?  Does David trust you?  The answer is yes, David trusts me pretty much from the beginning.  It would have been obvious to other people.  Why else does David travel at such speeds in his vehicles around me?  He trusts me.  It doesn’t mean I trust him.  Or, the in same way.  It just means he trusts me.  Yeah, Always, David trusts me.  Probably more than most people.  And, not because he’s had to.

However, what Brandon did last night by speaking negatively to me at my work, something he already knows he should not do, has ruined any positive comments I will make in reference to Brandon.  Ever.  Again.

I removed every news outlet, paper, and agency because of it.  What a person says to me has an impact and causes a reaction.  I am really beyond this being yelled at, at my work, for no reason whatsoever.  It is all beyond my control.

It has been made more than obvious I am not able to get employment ANYWHERE ELSE.

What am I now supposed to do fill out endless applications to then receive a “fake” interview email, like before, only to get to the location and then given – the run around?  I got nowhere the last time, I attempted to seek employment elsewhere.  I am beyond this game nonsense that is meaningless.

What door I enter or exit – anywhere – truthfully has no bearing whatsoever on the real people in the real world.  All these rules and nonsense as such has just been a rouse, devised to stop me from remembering, remembering people, remembering the words spoken to me, and so on.

Remember, the movie, Sound of Music, Captain.  The movie Remember has nothing to do with the names of the actors or characters, it just means, remember.  Remember, Cherith.

What Brandon did last night because I actually see it in the world, in the minds of people, and not how people would like it to be, I actually see it, he removed The White House conversation, he removed me being seen as a citizen important to The White House, he removed me being seen as a federal employee, or a government employee.  I saw it before he started talking, I saw it.  I saw the damage.  I saw it as he approached me.  He removed – in a sentence – The White House connection.  It is a huge and colossal mistake.

I am truly beyond discussing this and writing about this anymore.  It shows an extreme recklessness on Brandon’s behalf.  Reckless.  And recklessness.  That is not me.  Creating this huge scene over a stupid vest placement – IS RECKLESS!  I did not do that, you did.  Brandon did.  Brandon showed he is reckless, foolish, and willing to cause harm by speaking to me, negatively, and speaking to me to cause and inflict harm upon me.  That will be the last positive thing I ever give in answers on my screen at work about Brandon.

Then, Brandon tries to hand me paperwork telling me I am allowed to file an appeal for the negative numbers Chris coded my time for.  To make me appear as though I am a criminal being charged with a crime when I most certainly am not.

I am so sick of you people.  I am so over you people.

There is actual real hurt caused by David.  It doesn’t go away.  It doesn’t get to heal living like this.  It is more than difficult to believe in him as a man who is unmarried and not just fooling around with me using Virtual Reality.

Those drawings actually are how I feel.  How it feels living like this.

Also, I have heard, and this could just be someone thinking it might not have ever been spoken, I have heard a therapist giving advice to rape victims that they should and need to masturbate to get over the trauma done to the sex organ.  It is a most absurd notion.  It is most absurd if this has been used in any way towards me.

Truthfully, I was expecting a man to deliver my pizza on March 20, 2019 and not a woman.  It more than makes a difference.

If you haven’t done so already, I was going to ask you to talk to my father about the people we had over to our home in Oregon for Thanksgivings.  I am not sure it will go anywhere.  I don’t remember any Thanksgiving’s until we moved to Florida.  There have been subversives that have worked with my mother and been her friends, I don’t like that.  I want it corrected.  She’s dead more or less because of it and the work they put into place to cover their tracks.

No, I am not changing my clothes for work today.  Not after how Brandon spoke to me.  I don’t like it.  I did not like speaking to Brandon yesterday.  It has ruined me so much as looking his way anymore.  I will be wearing the urine-soaked pants again because I do not need any person telling how to dress.

Be careful here, just because this is not written in all-caps, in bold, and underlined does not mean I am more than angry.  I am so angry I am disgusted.  I am disgusted with Brandon and his speaking to me.

If you haven’t yet understood my distress in my anger it means someone has placed a very, very real death threat and hits on several members of the Royal family and many top British, I’ll say, persons.  Brandon spoke Death to important British citizens and its Royal family members.  I did not do that.  Brandon did that.  Very unwise.

I am beyond any amount of anger.  Brandon did that.  Brandon caused that.  Very unwise.

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March 25, 2019

It is a little more than devastating.  How you have treated me over these last few days David shows me you have no idea how to put someone else before yourself.  Someone else’s needs before your own.  No wonder I never got close to you.  The only reason you got to where you are is because of me, and how I responded to you.  I am the reason you are where you are.  Not the other way around.

It is a little more than devastating for me to watch films and specifically to watch Memento, watching people enjoying torturing and abusing my mother, over and over for fun.  Why do you think it took me so long to watch the whole film?  It is more than devastating.

What does Cherith do to cope and manage and deal with this news and having to relive her mother’s death over and over for the whole world to see?  She plays a game.  I play Restaurant Dash.  A computer game.  It helps me.  It is a way I manage my headspace.  It is a way for me to continue living.  There are worse things for a person to do when dealing and managing grief and loss than to play a computer game.  It is the game I play the most at the moment.  They help my head.  I am not really interested in smoking that was for other people, not me.

I don’t go on a drinking binge, or try to kill myself, I can’t think of other self-harming things at the moment, all I do is play a game to manage the trauma.  And, what does David do because of it?  He uses the dialogue in the game as a copy, so that I am not able to rest.  How very cruel of David.  It shows him to be heartless and mean.

I have not been able to do simple things like color my hair, put my toothbrush together, wax my legs.  Simple things people do to keep their appearance normal.  You people are more interested in listening and reading me scream over and over than actually listening and being a true friend.

David, you are not my father.  Have actually been nice to my father and brother or have you just pushed your weight around?  Telling them what to do rather than learning who they are?

One way Cherith was dealing with grief and loss was to go running outside.  What did you do instead?  You thought it was more important to make a YouTube video.  So, you could look and feel more important than Cherith.

David you are too loud at the moment.  You look like a braggart, a glory-seeker, interested in nothing more than the superficial.

I am so worn to the nub, I feel thirty or more years older than my age.  Unable to work a job anymore.  There is no one in the whole world who does this work, this work that has given me no choice.  Worn.

I am truly not interested in maxing out my credit cards so you people can create a sort of competition.  It is meaningless.  Any and all of the competitions you have put together are nothing more than a way to distract and try and stop me from REMEMBERING.

They chose me, they chose me long before you David.  They chose me or they wouldn’t have placed all those clues and people in my path for me to discover what I am able to do.  Something really remarkable.  Something very few people are able to do.

This house is filled with death and death threats to me.  Every single coffee mug is poisoned.  Undrinkable.  That is not a television show.  That is not acting.  Killing people is not acting.  The bureau with my photographs is filled with death and death threats to me, that is not a television show.  That is not acting.  That is breaking and entering.

Yes, that knee is me, it is just a scar, it is not knee surgery.  That is not me in Point Break letting a bad man get away.  Nope, that is not me.

Who is this person that is so terrified of me leaving the state of Florida?  They are not in prison.

I am more than aware that all of this nonsense in news stories referencing my clothes and clothing is meaningless.  That is what they call a red herring.  The cobra on the uniform in Karate Kid and the reference in 12 Strong to a venomous snake, a red herring.  There is no connection and it means nothing.  I was chosen for a reason.

You should all be aware of my windows and how you are seen by me.  There is no reason for this to continue in this way.  You will find out years from now, the harm it has done to deny me living my life.

I am more than devastated.  David treats me as though he is the most important person in the world as if there is no other person in my life I should and do love.  His actions are cruel.

This house is too dark.  I want to get another cat, and a dog.  To be able to take my dog and perhaps my cats on walks outside.  I want to feel the fresh air outside.  This house is just too small.  I should be writing children’s stories instead.

It is more than devastating to watch people feeling victorious for the harm they have inflicted upon my mother.  That will go on.  It is a way to form public opinion.  It is a way people are trying to create history.  Someone wanted another World War.  They were trying to use me.

It is more than devastating.  David has no compassion for me.  He never has.  He never has been compassionate to me.

Devastating.