Category: Uncategorized

August 10, 2017

David Wolfe:

David,

I don’t know who else to send these to since you are the only one I know.  I can’t stand living this way, unable to be healthy.  Every time I buy something healthy, every time I buy something to help, or heal my skin it is ruined turned into something that has the opposite effect.

I cannot stand having to live off of snacks instead of cooking and eating real food.  I am forced to live off of $1.00 frozen dinners and $1.00 pizza as it is all I can afford.

So, you are aware or people are aware when I watched Common – this happens with other movies and viewings – my mind was elsewhere.  I wasn’t paying attention to the movie, I was off in my head zoning out.  It is the only way I have been able to un-plug from the blue-tooth connection.  The connection is a terrible burden on my mind compounded by the vast emptiness of this life I am living separate from the world.

I used to miss you until I had to work with you.

Also, my DVD collection is not entirely my own.

Can I tell you what a terrible kisser Mark was?!!  Ugh!  Can I tell you none of the men you set me up with were very attractive?  Eric, was a great hugger.  But, his conversation and lifestyle lacked any depth for me to be interested in him.  Adam was the most attractive, but he never showed any interest in me.  The same, his conversation lacked any connection.  He kept talking about baby-mamma drama that he had with his ex-wife.  I still have no idea who or what Gerry was.

Maybe, you thought I wanted or should or wanted to play the field.  What I wanted was something real.  What I want is a real connection with a man.  What I want is real passion and not performance.  Because that is all Edison was, me performing.  I was aware there was someone else there at all times.  I was aware there was something not quite right about him.  I didn’t want to play pretend with boys (figure of speech).  I wanted a real man to have of my own, spend time with, and consume any time I wanted.

Can I tell you, I believe it was you, David talking through Edison on the third morning?  Do you remember me writing previously about how I did not want the third night to happen?  Something felt off that time in an even more different way.

But, none of those men were real.  You have left me alone for more than five years now.  No real man-flesh to have as my own.

Can I tell you, when you, David as Tom had beer with me at the Brass Tap I felt no connection to you at all?  I remember Nay.  I remember you, David as Nay merchandising the shelves.  Your forehead was sweating, kiss the lip – was a tell.  The day Nay left, you David reached for me to give me a side hug.  I was trying to be professional, it was my job.  Business and pleasure do not mix.

Can I tell you, I am unable to close the window in my house?  That is not fair to me.  It was done purposefully.

Can I tell you, I can never go back the way of the high school?  Since it has turned into choosing GAY?!

Las Vegas, never should have happened at the casino.  I don’t know how else to say it.  I felt tricked and manipulated into going into that casino.  I had the worst time walking those streets of Las Vegas.  I didn’t understand any of it, or why I was not allowed to eat anywhere I wanted.  The only good part was the Grand Canyon and the Sky Walk since I’ve wanted to go there for a long time now.  I wanted to ride the train to the Grand Canyon, take the donkey ride down.  I wanted to take a trip down the river too.

I remember reading on your MySpace page about you being mugged in New York.  I don’t know if that was real or a set-up anymore.

The Tivo commercial, the Kane furniture commercial, I don’t know who that was that set that up.  The Tivo commercial was shot at a Best Buy in Carrollwood.  I still remember what I wore, it was a turquoise dress with a plaid shirt that matched.  The Kane furniture commercial, I was so far in the background no one could see me.  That day I remember thinking, I wish I could have brought my mother, she would have enjoyed it.  However, her stroke prevented that.

David, you should have protected me.

Can I tell you, I didn’t understand it at the time when I was at Lowe’s in December 2014 that I could have asked for a job?  My preference has always been Lowe’s to Home Depot.

Please, stop talking about any of this having to do with love.  None of this is love.

All of this is just pretend acting.  None of this is real.

You should have let me date for real.

Do you know what this feels like?  This feels like working 365 days a week, 24 hours a day without any break of any kind.  My mind – truthfully – is in trouble, it is not the same anymore.

Can I tell you, when I was with Edison the tell was hearing, you have no idea what that does to me in reference to me keeping my mouth open while moving my tongue around?

Can I tell you, the reason I didn’t take the flip-fold that was signed by the inventor was I was mad at you?

Can I tell you, I don’t know if this is worthwhile writing you all these things?  Can you find a way to let me know?

Can I tell you, I remember the Lasik appointment?  The vanilla gorilla – Tosh.O – I believed was the doctor even though I couldn’t see him.  Modern family was playing on the television.  That could have been Sofia Vergara in the black paint.  I just don’t find anyone or anything funny anymore.

Can I tell you, I just like those songs where I get to GRRRRRRR?

Can I tell you how tired I am of having to show my work to teacher?  Quick-scan – Emma Watson, black paint, curly haired wig.

Can I tell you, that I remember waiting on a customer at TCS in elfa, I don’t remember the customer at all?  The tell was the customer saying how much fun they were having and something to the effect of they couldn’t remember laughing so much before.  It wasn’t until the first road trip, outside of New Orleans, having just watched the Insomniac did I make the connection.  Dave Attell?

Do you know how ridiculously stupid it is to try and make me jealous when all of these men who have supposedly dated me, or been a part of my life let me know how many women they are fucking?  Like I have a fucking choice about having a man that I want in my life.  Any attractive available men can’t get anywhere near me.

I feel like writing to you David is useless.  I don’t know what choice I have given the alternative.

Cherith J Gjestland

August 9, 2017

David Wolfe,

I will apply every day for a job until I get away from you, fucko Frano, and that stupid impersonator you placed in my house, in my bed, and in my life!

Here’s what I think, Kahit.  I think you set-up a P.I. to follow and watch me.  Then, when I somehow got a job at the Obama campaign – because I can no longer believe that I got that job on my own – I think one or more of the P.I.’s that were lesbian’s fell for me, or were attracted to me.  I cannot help it that I have been AWARE of being followed, and seeing you everywhere.  It might have happened sooner than the Obama campaign that some woman or women thought they had the right to judge my life.  I cannot help that I am aware of the presence of person’s following me.  Just like it was a tell or a marked moment that you, David as Craig Slotty asked me at the car show if I liked motorcycles.  During the Obama campaign a woman came into the office as I greeted her, which was my job to greet people, the way she looked at me was creepy, but it was a marked moment or a tell.  She looked like a lesbian to me.

I am trying to figure out, or understand WHY you have kept men away from me that I am attracted to.  6’3” an ex-football player that is my type.  Clean, good-looking, healthy.  I don’t understand why you have done this to me.  Constantly forcing dull, dorky, not a match for my mind in any way men as the ONLY alternative and choice for me.  As if I could possibly settle for anything less than for the rest of my life passion.

I am not Mandy or Amanda.  I am in no way Jaimie.  I never was any of those “models” you tried to force me into a mold.  Perhaps, you forgot.  My name is Cherith, we’ve met.  However. Because of everything that has happened, because you let my life continue while leaving me absolutely alone – to starve to death emotionally – I can never go back to those moments with you, nor think the same about you ever again.  It is an unforgiveable act making a person live this way.  All I feel anymore is regret for ever reaching out or contacting you at all.

Can I tell you, they have taken this moment of me reading Tolstoy, of reading those seven words that brought you into my mind with a shattering revelation, and turned it into a matter-of-fact literal translation?  “We destroy because we are spiritually sated.”  How can people not understand?  That sentence is an abstract thought.  That sentence alone could be a thesis paper!  In that one sentence, worlds, cultures, people could be understood.  It is not a simple phrase.  It is abstract, it is complex, it is more than the words, or the letters that make up those words.  I missed you for the longest time because even being around me – I was a different person.  When you left. HCC became hollow and superficial.

Stop telling me to hang on.  You need to listen to me when I say, that time has passed.

Can I tell you at The Container Store while working “Erin” spoke to a customer loud enough for me to hear saying that she was part Spanish, so I MADE A POINT of speaking in the break-room about you, David.  How you and Tim got to run with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain.  Whether the story I saw on your MySpace or Facebook page was real or not I don’t know anymore.  My point was this any Spain connection was never nor could it EVER be “Erin” – it was you, David.

Can I tell you that if this all ended tomorrow, and somehow all the false walls burned and fell to the ground, I wouldn’t wish to seek you or anyone?  You have no idea what this has taken away from me.  I feel it would take me years to recover.  My body physically is a mess.  You know when bones break, when an arm breaks, you can put it in a cast, the bone will mend and heal.  But, the human spirit does not and cannot recover in the same way.  You cannot apply a cream or salve or give medicine to the human spirit.  It is so much more complex and delicate.  It heals – if at all – differently.

I wrote or I spoke once about how it would have been better if you and I David (Alfredo Cruz) had worked together at TCS.  The stockroom always felt backstage to me since the customers were always the onstage portion.  If we had worked together, we would have been able to talk more.  It would have healed something in me.  I didn’t quite know it then, but you had already left me.  There is not a place you live in me anymore.  I am glad you have your perfect match.  You have love and are happy.  I cannot understand why you have not allowed me to have the same.  I am locked up in this house with random men.  I have been passed around to hundreds of men without ever having any love at all.

They stole my car key.  Driven out of my house by means of mind control.  I pulled off at a park – just to stop driving and clear my head.  I placed my car keys in inside a pocket in my backpack.  There isn’t any way the keys could have fallen out on their own.  My suspicion is I walked over magnets or some other trick to make my keys disappear.  I have never had possession of my car since then, or maybe even before then.  I tried twice to get a new one-of-a-kind set of keys to my car at every time I have been forced, blocked, and paid more for only a copy of the fake key.

Can I tell you that what I WANTED and tried to buy was the red apple computer?  Somehow, that purchase – also – did not go through.

Can I tell you that I remember being nearly run-off the road while driving outside of Dallas, Texas a semi-truck doused me with water?  Purposefully splashing the water on my windshield.

Can I tell you I remember the phone conversation at Disney about the movie Big Fish which I believed was with you, David?

Can I tell you I remember driving still in Texas being told in my head to turn around and get gas at a station?  When I went to pay inside the man asked me if I was ok, I said I was having a fight with my car.

Can I tell you I cannot stand being forced to have to pay for gas inside the gas station?  As I always paid outside before.  I cannot stand having to pay inside!

Can I tell you, I am going to start calling these tells when I arrived in DC, got on the metro, I made eye contact with a man – it was a tell.  He turned his back to me after he made eye contact.  I am not so good as to be able to tell the difference between military or agency men, but he was of that sort.

Is there a reason the only hotel I could afford was all the way in Maryland proper and not DC?

Can I tell you the camera interview I had on the White House lawn has always felt strange to me?  It has always felt out of place.  Even the abortion protestor – a tell.

Can I tell you, I remember my brother telling me his knee bothered him walking too quickly?  So, I walked miles ahead of them because I couldn’t stand to be slowed down.  It was too damn cold, man.  Can I tell you, I remember reading on your facebook or MySpace page that you had a knee operation?

Can I tell you after the car accident, Creggan and Roy walking me to the car, I was aware of which cars were following and watching me?  They stopped at Target on the way home.  I was glad I did not have to go in the store.  I received a call from Jimmy Tan in the car.  He asked me if I wanted to volunteer.  I remember putting forth an effort to not sound as if I had just been crying on the gurney in the hallway of the ER.  The, noticing the man who had been watching me in the hallway turn around and act agitated as if he was bothered by me crying.

Also, I remember the doctor who attended me in the ER was an African-American woman named Carter.

David, I need to have a budget.  I need you to have my budget respected.  Because what has been happening to me is being forced to have my paycheck spent before I even have it deposited.  It is not normal to live in this way.  I need to be able to plan for things.  I need to be able to put aside money, then buy things when I can afford it all.  I am not a person who can live buying things one at a time it feels like a constant burden on my head.

Can I tell you the day I got locked out of my car at the Citgo gas station – I believe by mind control means – the woman who lent me her phone told me the guy inside was nice, I could go talk to him while I waited.  I didn’t even spend a few minutes talking to him before I was disgusted and stormed outside to wait.  I would rather suffer the heat than speak to him.

Can I tell you I remember Dr. Kelly’s office?  Keri Russell taking the place of Dr. Kelly.  The black woman/man standing to my right as I checked in, and the creepy person to my left saying that is what I already had and maybe I wanted something new?  WTF?!

Can I tell you that I was talked – in my head – out of going to Atlanta and visiting the World of Coke?

Can I tell you, I remember the jury summons, the courthouse, knowing it was all faked, reading a magazine article about Dan Stevens, and the man in a blue plaid shirt drinking from a water bottle, who decided to talk to me – was a tell.  So much for honesty, I remember that tell as well.  He said, so much for honesty, which made me tell the judge about being a victim of a crime.  He was from Charlotte, NC.  I remember he was from North Carolina.  I had lunch in my car of nothing because I did not want to eat with that fake Roy.

Can I tell you, I can’t believe I trusted my brother to take care of my cats for a while only to discover that he sent them to the pound to be slaughtered?!  I am still upset by it.

 

Cherith J Gjestland

August 8, 2017

David Wolfe:

David,

I will do and take whatever job it takes to get away from you.  Being around you, working for you I have never been more miserable.  I choose that stop sign and not you.  Because you constantly make me sick making me spend money I don’t have for no reason when I could be doing something better with my time.  Because I enjoy making bread.  It was you, David as Alfredo who said you wouldn’t eat my dill bread.  Do you remember the day I stopped calling you Fredo, and switched back to Alfredo?  Because I cannot stand being treated as a baby.  Because I cannot stand being told what underwear I can wear.  Because I cannot stand feeling this ugly and unattractive.  Because there is not nor was there ever a soft pull!  Because it is so DUMB this water or dry nonsense!  Because not every place can be wet or dry at the same time, or all the time!  So, ALL of it is not LOGICAL!!!  Because I am not a pet!

Because I would rather have died believing.  I would rather have died believing in you.  Because I would rather have died believing that the moments I shared with a man were real.  Because I would rather have believed those moments were forever moments than to have learned and discovered the truth that they never were.

Cherith J Gjestland

August 7, 2017

David Wolfe:

David,

• Do you know I remember the phone conversation we had when I worked at Disney? You said there were too many lights in LA and you couldn’t see the stars at night.
• Do you know that looked like the Dread Pirate Robert – Robert DeFrange – on my drive home tonight.
• Do you know that I remember meeting Jim Sturgess at DAK? First, he talked through a co-worker who’s name started with an R, then he talked about the food they feed the animals.
• Do you know Michael Wayne Brown appears in Edward Scissorhands even though he is not credited? Please don’t let that man come near me.
• Do you know I am still recovering from all the driving I did in 2014?!
• Do you know writing is not something I can turn on or off, or simply switch on or off? It takes time to get my head in a place where I can write, form words well, and get my thoughts out.
• Do you know about the sexual harassment I’ve received at work since Disney? The sexual harassment at TCS and Home Depot was different.  Forced to endure a conversation with my supervisor as she is sticking her finger into a hole in a box, she forced air in my face that made me feel humiliated, disgusted, and unclean down there.  She is watching me very carefully as she is talking.  I mean, who the fuck do you think you are, Kahit?!  To allow that kind of behavior at all let alone in the workplace.  As if I don’t know my own mind, my own body and its wants?!  Jesus Christ with your stupid mind control!!  You’ve ruined everything for me!  My whole life!!
• I CANNOT drive passed the high school – used gaylords.
• I HAVE to choose #4 parking because it was NEVER to ugly, fat fuck you made me date to prove I wasn’t a bad person, a criminal, or some pervert!
• I cannot park by the tree anymore – electric pressure washing.
• I cannot park in purple – prego=fatso!!
• I cannot park in green – pressure washing!
• I cannot choose anything else but yellow.
• I believed I was getting my key control returned to me with the purchase of the last keys.
• Every purchase I make my choice is taken away from me.
• I don’t like you anymore.
• I don’t believe in you the way I did before because of my Amazon experience, Kahit!

 

August 6, 2017

David Wolfe,

How can I possibly write to you when I feel nothing but disgust and shame for having believed in you all these years?  I would rather have parted as people who used to go to school together, walking out of that Starbucks knowing all that I ever was – was delusional – to be forced to work for you all these years only to learn you truly are not a friend.

You have a perfect match in your wife for which I could not be happier, but you have not allowed me to have the same.  I don’t know how many years I have to scream at the top of my lungs it was never that stupid-fagety-punk-bitch-ass-runt of a man!  I can’t stand that I have to stoop so low to such language to be heard.  Never in a million years could it remotely be Mr. James Franco having spent these years like this I can know that with certainty.

No longer will I pay attention when I hear you voice any more.  I’ve learned I have to protect myself from you.

You don’t even allow me the possibility of finding other employment.  Even when I worked at The Container Store, I tried endlessly to get another job to pay bills, and have more money.  But, you denied me that as well.

It was a mistake to reach out to you.

It was a mistake to re-connect with you.

There is a reason I didn’t respond when Andrew called my name that day at HCC.

My life would be better had we never met – this is the truth I will hold on to because you have denied me years of happiness leaving me alone without a man I want to have share my life with.

Cherith J Gjestland

August 3, 2017

David Wolfe:

David,

For years I held on to the moments when we would stare into each other’s eyes, where the world would disappear.  For me the space between us felt the most real.  For me I’ve never felt or had anything like that before.  For years I have been loyal to you even though you dismissed me as delusional because I dared to call you out on following me, driving by my house, keeping tabs on me, turning your back to me as I drive by.  However, for these years of being loyal to you have left me with scars, hurt, and pain that will never heal.

There was a time when I believed we could always be friends, but that time has passed.  I cannot go back anymore.  The time at Sloppy Joe’s when I said everything bad between us disappeared – has gone.  Anytime I see you anymore like the black Cruz scratching his head all I see is someone who does not have to work for Amazon.  In fact, I am happier turning from you.

The truth is what I feel for you, David is disgust and great unhappiness.  The truth is I despise you anymore.  I don’t know how to feel anything different.

I have no idea why you allowed Edison/Ben/Cat in my life at all.  I have no idea who or if there was anyone on the other side of Edison that day at Panera when I walked outside, so I didn’t have to see or be near you sitting there inside Panera’s.  What I do know is I was trying to prove to you that day, David is we didn’t have to see each other anymore, or be a part of our lives anymore.  Edison did nothing for me ever.  Never for a moment did I ever feel anything for that 2-bit hustler.  David, you made me feel I had to prove something.  Let me tell you Edison couldn’t find a G-spot even if it was on a map.  I never had one orgasm with Edison.  More importantly, I never wanted Edison at all.

It is not possible for me to go back to a medium-sized man as it is not the kind of man I am attracted to – never was before.  Size matters to me.  I had to prove something to you, David.  And that is all.

You have stolen and taken years of my life away.  You have found a way to make money off of me, and nothing more.  Because I am nothing more to you than a means to extorts and make money off of me.  A woman in her forties is in the sexual prime of her life.  You have taken from me the chance and opportunity to spend my years with a man who I love and who would love me.  Because first and most importantly, I want and need a man in my life who was born a man, has always been a man, who will always be a man, who loves women who love men.  Anything and everything else in life comes after that.

You have taken that from me.  You have taken years of my life I could have spent having and being in love with a man.

Going back as far as election 2012.  He walked out of the toilet at the campaign headquarters drying his hands, and at the site of him I literally stammered.  6’3” ex-football player and drop-dead gorgeous.  I was so desperate to touch him I shook his elbow as he was drying his hands – true story.  On election night, I had him to myself.  Talking to each other drinking beers all I wanted to do was take him to bed.  Then, I saw the women in the room – working the room.  Suddenly, he wasn’t talking to me anymore.  He had been ushered away from me.

That night someone put something in my drink.  I will always believe that as I have never gone too far in drinking before.  In all my years, I have always kept a balance and awareness while drinking.  So, I know that what happened that night after he was kept away from me was intentional.  I literally woke up in a car with some man on top of me.  Trying to get my head together this old, dumpy, short man took me to a hotel.  And, I did not share his bed.  Because it was not my choice to be with him.  He was not the man I wanted.

I have always been and will always be a woman who will not be with just any man.

Helicopter flying overhead, he and I walked to his car the next morning.  He wasn’t unkind, or violent, or aggressive, he simply was NOT my choice.  I have a say as to what kind of man I want in my life and what kind of man I am attracted to.  I do not know who is responsible for the events of that night, but it is unforgivable.  The football player, of course, spent the night with an 18-year-old girl.

I had never felt more unattractive, disgusted, and ashamed because it was not my choice nor of my doing.  Years of my life, David.  Years you have taken from me that can never be replaced.

My mind will never change on the virtual-fucking, nor has it ever changed since it started.  The virtual-fucking is not-consensual.  I have never agreed to be virtually fucked.  I have had no choice.  Anytime someone is watching on the other side is NOT of my choosing.  I never know who is on the other side which is why it is NOT consensual sex of any kind.  Regardless of who it might be it is NOT consensual since I can never see them.

Years of my life when I could have had a man in my life who would love me.  Years of my life being loved by a man.  Years of my life I could have spent in bed with a man feeling his body.  Having the smell of him on me hours after having made love.  You have taken this from me David, so you could make money off of me and nothing more.

Just like I knew it was you, David as Craig Slotty that day at the car show, and your tell was asking me if I liked motorcycles.  I knew when “Cat” at The Container Store told me I looked nice and he/she liked my calves, I knew there was someone else talking through a person watching from the overhead cameras.  It wasn’t until I met him at Home Depot did I put it together that it was Benedict Cumberbatch talking through “Cat.”  He had the exact same effect on me.  I blushed when “Cat” complimented me that day.  When Benedict approached me at Home Depot I was just as flattered.  When, he touched my arm something else happened that made me pay attention.  It was a powerful touch.  I was so horribly flattered because of the sight of me.  Broke, starving, exhausted, barely alive, and a woman who never smiles anymore.

You monitored my reaction trying to trick me into something I knew was never real.  Because I knew that it was not because of “Cat” that I blushed.  I KNEW something else was going on.  This should not be news as this is not the first time I have explained this before.

Going back to the day of trying to get to the grocery store.  It must have been December 2014, I tried to go to Winn-Dixie, but I refused to walk in with that tall black woman.  So, I drove to Publix, pushed off the road and nearly run into.  I pulled off the road to get my head together when a black woman whom I had met while working on the campaign approached my window telling me how she had seen the whole thing.  She told me she was a teacher.  She said it was best for me to go home.  There was sky writing above the Publix.  I had absolutely no idea what was going on.  I still have no idea what any of this was.  Since I did not understand the sky writing, I thought she was trying to help me.  I believed she was warning me of danger.  So, I went home.

I still have no idea what any of that driving was all about.

Perhaps David, the reason you just gave people money was because you had this idea of funding this reality.  Perhaps, that is why you tried to force “meets” after you wrote me off as delusional because you wanted to watch me date other men on television.  Unfortunately, I have been aware.

The problem for me is I have been aware and it is not possible for me to “pretend.” After Edison, all the walls came down.  I have been disgusted by all the disguises.

You have taken years of my life, locked me in this house with that punk bitch I never wanted to see or be a part of again.  You have trapped me with the NYPD, something I never wanted.

I never wanted to be a part of any of this.

Because of the radio.  Because of seeing Vanessa Redgrave.  Because of what has happened to my hands.  Because of what has happened in this house.  I will not say thank-you anymore.

My mother is gone.  You cannot replace family.

Never did I want to return here or to this fake house that is not a home, or my home in any way.

No longer can I simply, copy that.  No longer can I follow after a movie or a song, and play along.  I am so much greater than that.  David, you have not allowed me to be who I really am.

I couldn’t be anymore unimpressed with celebrities or famous people.  So, when I hear in my head because I have just seen Dr. Dre in the car next to me, that I am in the presence of greatness.  What I say in response, without missing a beat is, Yeah, but does he know my name.  I had wanted to wear my bracelet from South Africa as a sign of respect for him.

When I see Eminem at the European Gourmet store giving the man behind the counter free samples of Monster sports drink, or at my door-step handing me my package from Amazon.  I have no idea what I am supposed to do with that.  Because I don’t know what I am supposed to do with all these celebrity sightings.

I was going to write about them, so I could feel I was participating and not having it happen to me.  But, that all changed in an instant.  I want nothing to do with them anymore.

BTW, I would have imagined Viggo Mortensen’s penis to be bigger.  It looked like someone spliced and edited that dick from a shorter fatter man.

Maybe you thought you could make me believe I was in love, David.  Maybe you thought, I would be so desperate for a man I would settle for a man less than what I am worth.  I am ashamed to discover how little I mean to you.  I mean so little to you, you give people money with no understanding of what they will do with that money.

The impossibility of my life you have placed me in.  I can no longer drive passed the high school as it is Gaylords.  I am forced to drive the other direction keeping me stuck in a fake reality I do not want.  You have me surrounded by women without any male companionship.

The moment I saw Edison was just a disguise and not a real man all the friends I had made, every connection I had built up over the time was severed and gone.  You have left me here all these years without even a single friend.  Even friends I had before Edison and TCS are severed and gone.  Their friendships cannot be restored.  The relationships with my family cannot be restored.  You have left me without any male companionship.  I never knew you to be so cruel.  You are cruelty, David.

So, if the only expression I get to have is to place a heavy or fragile sticker on the Amazon smile, or turn the smile upside down, I will do it.  Because you hurt me over and over, and over and over, and over and over, and over again, and where is all that hurt supposed to go?  I have no one to vent to.  I have no one to use as a sounding board.  Worse still, the very set-up of every single job including TCS is that my employer is my adversary.  What a terrible thing.  What a terrible thing to discover, David is actually my enemy.

David, while you get to enjoy life and have love in your life, you have deprived me of having real love in my life.  All for the sake of money.  So, you could make money off of me.

The truth of these years spent with you making money off of me and nothing more is all over my face.  My face is hard.  My mouth never turns up anymore.  I wear a permanent frown.  My upper lip has disappeared entirely.  My brows constantly pinched together from angry pain.  My eyes are the worst of all.  The color from my eyes has disappeared.   The Norwegian blue of my eyes that I had inherited from way back down the line has been replaced with a dull grey.  Bags, dark circles that never go away regardless of the amount of sleep I can get, and the lids of my eyes hang with an unspoken burden.

The only explanation can be – you are making money off of me.  I have asked for years for this to be over with, so the only explanation is how much money you are making off of me.

You are dumb if you think the celebrity sighting mean anything to me.

It does not matter to me if I see:

• Bono as the waterspider asking me what supplies I need.
• Justin Timberlake at DRC security pushing up his glasses.
• Jesses Eisenberg at DRC.
• Rooney Mara at DRC.
• Holly Hunter at the store.
• Billy Boyd or Dominic Monaghan at Amazon.
• Billy Crudup at the barber shop wearing a shirt with a heart.
• Cate Blanchett at the beauty parlor wearing tons of makeup motioning me to go across the street.
• Talk to Matt Damon on the phone at DRC. People in the room stopped talking which was a tell, then the push button of squeezing my belly tighter.
• George MacKay with a worn off black nose. Yeah, I remember going to a Mary Kay make-over, so-fucking-what?!
• Johnny Whitworth behind me at Amazon.

And, so many others over all the years.

Let me make sure you understand this point, I will never allow you to do what you did with Edison again.  I will never again sign up for on-line dating for you to make fun of me again.  I wouldn’t wish this fake reality upon my worst enemy.  I will have it real, or I will have nothing at all.

I did not return the Grand Tour hat, nor the shoes I bought because I loved those Top Gear guys years ago before Amazon.  And, I am tired of not having any clothes, or shoes, or choices for that matter.

I placed an order at Kohl’s for a few clothes, PJ’s, and shoes that were Shaun T endorsed.  That order either through my computer, or the internet, or some other means did not go through.  I was not able to make that purchase.

I cannot copy the black and white wolf from Lady Hawke.  I remember Erin at TCS saying she was going to help “Cat” to become a lady, and a proper dyke which is why I can only receive groceries at night.  Because I do not even like James Franco because I do not even know James Franco.  And, David you are not a black man.  You are from German descent.  So, I cannot play and follow this nonsense of copying and following movies.  I cannot say it enough times, I am so much greater than, copy.

The days of Pebbles and Bam-Bam are gone.  I have always said it has been taken out of context when I spoke of you, David making me so angry I saw red.

I can never say it enough times how much I never want to see that fuck-o Franco again!

Please David, let me go.  Please allow me to have a life again.  I am so unhappy.  You have no idea the harm you have done and caused.  There is no way to go back to the people and friends we were before.  Please stop abusing me for your profit.  You have left me locked up with a man I never wanted, nor do I wish to ever see again.

Please let me go.

I can never think of you the same way again.  I will only ever be able to despise you for what you have done to me.

Please stop hurting me for your financial gain.

Release me in all ways.  The hurt is too deep.  Too much time has passed.  There is no going back.

I will despise you for the rest of my life for what you have done to my life, and how you have allowed me to be handled as a baby and not the grown, capable, amazing woman I used to be.  You have taken it all from me.

Please stop pretending this is about love, or marriage, or anything other than money for you.

Let me go,

Cherith J Gjestland

This is several hours behind the actual event, however I am running out of time quickly as it took me more than eight hours to clean up after some troll illegally entered my home while I was at work.

And, you wonder why I won’t marry an orange t-shirt?!

Oh, yeah, not to mention the enormous zit that appeared between the top part of my butt cheeks.  Right, where my G-string panties would make contact.

YGTBFKM!

You Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me!

To say I am miserable would be less than an understatement.

Fucking pissed about the clean up!

Unbearably sad that my cats were taken away from me.  I want my Tuesday and Thursday back!

Do you know when my brother left with my cats in his car, I called him back immediately.  He wasn’t gone a few minutes before he came back.  I wanted to tell him how unhappy and what a mistake it was to allow “Kat” to cat-sit for my cats while I went to San Francisco for a few days.

I wanted my brother and people to know how upset I was that I was talked into allowing “Kat” to cat-sit by “Marvin” at The Container Store.  It felt wrong at the time, and it proved to be a bad decision.

When my brother returned the cats were not making any yowling or crying noises in the car.  I believed at the time, they had already been handed off to a neighbor.  It is what I believed.  The Bluetooth knew it.  So, of course it devastated me to read that my brother sent them to the pound.  When I went to the pound for answers I heard a crying baby in a car that sounded fake.  I believe all of this has been people finding ways to send my driving in my car #1 To watch me from the hidden cameras in the car, #2 To have the radio on, so people can watch me with audio.

So, of course, I am beyond consolable.  I am beyond over the real damage people do to me just so they can watch my real tears.

The last time I saw my mother alive, my real mother was at a dentist appointment the nursing home set up for her.  She wore a purple shirt that was not anything I bought her, or had left at the nursing home.

Do you know I no longer FEEL emotions.  I no longer have the emotions attached to memories.  Memories like my mother.  Just a few short years ago and they are all gone.  Like a light turned off.  Severed.  It is a terrible thing to allow to happen to a person.  Years and years, and decades of memories – shut off.

And, you wonder why friendship or communication between David or James could never again be possible, for they are linked to the terrible-ness that has happened to me in the last few years.

My mother wore a purple shirt, she was happy to see me which was her norm.  The midget of a dentist I never understood.  He did not look like a dentist to me.  My mother’s teeth had never looked better.  I told my brother they had to have sedated her to get her teeth so clean.  I know what it was like trying to get her to brush.  She did not like it.

I never should have given up caring for her even if it killed me.  This life is nowhere near worthwhile.  My mother would be ashamed of me and the state that I am in physically.  Unable to take care of myself.  I am ashamed of myself.

Very few things can truly compare even less can truly be replaced.  People – well, since I am not allowed in the real world it is difficult to say that people can be replaced.  I have not been allowed to replace the men in my life.  I have not been allowed to move on with my life even though all of the other men have been able to have women.  How could I ever look at anyone I once knew the same again?!

The dentist visit with my mother was very strange.  Not to mention the GPS in my phone that never got me to the correct location, just so I would be very late to the appointment.  Straws.  My brother made a mention about getting straws of different colors which was odd.  There was a blood drive bus in the parking lot.

Writing to my mother while waiting for her bus outside, I remember the wind blowing my hair.

I don’t feel her anymore.  I don’t feel my mother or connected to the memories anymore which is a terrible sin and crime.

This mediocre banana bread is why I started writing today.  Here’s what it needs, a kind of glaze to go on top.  Nutella cut with maple syrup, chopped peanuts, chopped walnuts, fresh sliced banana, then sprinkled with cinnamon sugar.  But, not the plain cinnamon you get at the grocery store, I want the cinnamon with real flavor.  I used to have a cinnamon tree.  I know the difference.  Maybe some fresh-cut strawberries to help balance the palate.  Served with a generous sized latte, followed by an espresso.  Then, I might deem it palatable.  Then, it might be acceptable.  But, it’s not right now.

Plus, I am tired of not being allowed lotion for my dry skin, and I cannot stand lanolin and grease in my soap either!

God sent his only son.

Anyone heard this story before?

I think so.

God sent his only son, so we can live by grace and not by law.

While working with “Cleveland” at The Container Store, he made a comment along the lines of flirting with him at work.  He spoke of not getting carried away with him by having too much fun and flirting with him.

To which I famously replied, I don’t think so, I am a professional.

Meaning – I have to clarify this since it has been taken so far out of context – my work life, my home life, my personal life, never crossed over.  I used to be a professional.

My mother called it business-like.  I think it used to surprise her when I was able to not be the cute little girl.  I imagine it must be most difficult for parents to see their children as adults, for they will always be their children regardless of their age.  Please do not be too literal, or take this out of context.  For, I was not born in a lab – I used to have parents.  Before this house.

In the last few years a lot has been made to me for swearing.  A lot has been made about my swearing.  There are those who used to know me who would not be surprised or offended by my vocabulary.  There are others who do not like it.

The Ten Commandments.  In the Old Testament.  Rules for which Christians were meant to live by.

Do you believe it is possible to follow rules, follow orders, follow guidelines, and your heart is no where in them?  I believe that.  And, I am not the only one.

God.  The God I know.  The only God there is, cares nothing for following orders, or rules, or checking off items on a list.  He is and will always be most interested in our heartmind.

God could have created life to do as he pleased whenever He asked of it, yet He chose to give man and woman free-will.  Ask yourself why he would do that?

Free-will.

God wants and desires the relationship.  He created the entire world, yet He looked it over and saw it was missing.  It was missing what God wanted most which is the relationship.  God did not want to be alone.  God does not want to be alone.

I used to be a professional.  When I was at work, I was at work.  I always did everything the same, so that my supervisors would know my work.  So, that I could never be called into question about my work.

I used to tell people, children are the small, sticky people.  This is a bit I took from Rita Rudner, and it was only in jest.  I was never serious when I spoke in this way.  I used to say my children are four-legged.  For, how else could I explain how a woman my age was still single, all alone, without any make prospects – ever – and did not meet the requirements of what normal should be.  I was embarrassed about myself, for my life, and where I was in my life.

Also, I was protecting my harmful past.  I was protecting  the fact that I had an abortion, and to this day am still conflicted by it and my decision.

I will never understand how someone else gets to have control over another human beings decisions simply because they have money.

Again, I will never believe I needed surgery.  No one will ever be able to convince me again.  It is an unrecoverable loss.

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree as they say.  My mother was in her sixties before I ever saw her wear denim.  My mother never wore jeans – ever.  She always used to dress – well, the best way I can say it – she was not from Florida.  She grew up rural.  In a very small town, extremely poor.  She used to tell the story of returning from school one day to no food in the house.  The only item was black pepper in the cupboard.  She took a glass of water and put the pepper in it, and drank it.

I understood my mother better once she told me this and her stories.  She was not a woman who wanted to go back to nothing.  She always did her hair, make-up, wore jewelry, accessories with her outfits, and so on.  And, I was the same way.  That was before this house.

See, I think because someone placed a camera in the X-box, gave it to my brother and told him to bring it in the house, that they thought they knew who I was.  It is a great untruth and a lie.

It would take close to $30,000.00 to replace everything I have given away since this house, and that is not including my car that was totaled.  Items I was made to feel I had to give away.  This house is not who I am.  This life I am living is not who I am.  It never will be.

I used to be cute, I used to dress up, I used to wear make-up every day.  I used to wash my face.  I used to be a real person.

I never wanted to return here.  I never wanted to stay in Florida.

Let me tell you a story:  “Erin” broke up with her partner “Rene”.  “Erin” made these big crying scenes, spoke of abuse, and how she had to leave.  She was going to move out, I offered to help her.  Why would I not?  Why would I not help a person who was hurting or in need?  I am making this point because it has been used against me for years.  Caring for others has been used against me – for years.

“Erin’s” house and household was never of the same quality, or caliber of which I would have felt equally compared to mine.  Did I judge her, no.  Why would I?  How she lived her life was her decision – not mine.

I offered to help her move which she knew I would.  I remember texting “Eric” about sweating so much, and that I was helping a friend.  When at her house, she was rushing around cleaning which never seemed clean to me.  It was one of the oddest experiences I’ve had while at The Container Store.  The next time I saw her at work, I told her she was going to get back with her partner.  Because something was wrong with the whole scene.  I was NEVER going to hang out with “Erin” while she was separated.

It is a huge deal.  For which I want credit.

I understand that while working at The Container Store, they used the cameras to put on a television show for which I never received payments, nor gave permission to use me.  Also, they edited my shift there.  So, what I believe the whole world knows and knew the stories of what went on there is probably not true.

Again, I was never going to spend time with “Erin” after her separation, and she did get back together with her partner a week later.

David Wolfe, I want you to know and admit you have created a hostile work environment for me.  I want you to admit that in Las Vegas, when the man at the limo held his hands in pleading, as if he was trying to offer marriage – was nothing more than a lie.  I want you to admit that you made out with Courtney at the beach to try to force/push me into dating again for the sole purpose of re-creating the Edison program for which you make money off of, and nothing more.  I want you to admit you knew I was never going to date again after Edison because of your deceptions which made it impossible to believe I would be able to date real men and have a real physical, intimate relationship.  I want you to admit you have made it impossible to ever be your friend again.  Because you could end this all and give me back my life, yet you choose not to.  You have made it impossible.

James Franco, I want you to admit your marriage proposal was never real, and it was nothing more than a publicity stunt.  You never meant it to be taken seriously.  You never meant you were proposing to me.

For your information – and this covers years here and is not limited to Sims4 alone, I am referring to all the games (which is why I drove past game-stop) and camera work that has gone on for years now – I cannot now nor will I abide by your definitions and descriptions.

My father purchased a french-door refrigerator for our plant city home.  This has nothing to do with any famous persons or anything to do with the name it is simply the design.  I liked the design and my father purchased it for me, for the house.  True story.  With my mother in the wheel chair.

I still like the design.

I have no idea why I was subjected to a wet bed.  Being forced to bed-wetting.

I have no idea why I was subjected to urine-soaked clothing for which I had to take a day off from work.

How very un-cool, unmanly, inhumane, and ungracious of you.

Not a nice nor kind way to repay patronage.

I cannot be driven, contained, ordered, told, maneuvered, nor persuaded into placing items in my game, or in any other purchases in my life.

For clarification, my t-shirt that reads masterhood, in my mind and thought process, has nothing what-so-fucking-ever to do with a hood or hooded sweatshirt, or anything else.  It has to do with push-button control and nothing more.  And, you know it.

I like what I like.

Every person does.

You cannot starve a person emotionally and expect that to ease their pain they will all of a sudden switch teams.  It does not work that way, and you know it.

I like the colors I like.  I like the look I like.  I like the height I like.  I like the light I like.  I like the sun I like.  I like the daytime I like.  I like the moon I like.  I like the night-time I like.

To do otherwise will always ring false.

To force otherwise will always ring false.

Step aside.

Step down.

Stop yelling.

Man up.

And, fucking listen for once.