WE – DO NOT AGREE!

Let it be said, I was the one who painted Mt. Hood, I was the one who sketched a dog in middle school, I was the one who sketched the eagle while listening to Bill Gothard speak at Basic Youth Institute.

I would love to go to the movies every week, but I cannot afford the time away from resting.  No one seems to understand how mind tired I am.

What was the point of all this?  I will never speak positively about this experience EVER!

Your rules no longer apply to me as I see and understand them, since you do not even adhere to your own set of rules.  Regardless of what I do, you disobey own code of conduct.

I purchased ear plugs to protect my hearing, I am not throwing away that money just to prove another point!

Here is my crime for which I have been punished into exile and isolation for years now – I wanted to feel sexually wanted by a man, I wanted to be loved by a man, and I wanted be in love with that man until the day I died.

I no longer cry for you of my own free will David Wolfe.  I have God moments where God whispered your name to me and others that I do not have time or the money to share right now.  But, all I wanted was to be able to tell you how much you meant to me in college that all the yelling and screaming did not stop be from wanted to be near you.  Because when you laughed at my blow job joke in reference to size does matter because my jaw does not come un-hinged – I saw something so beautiful in you I have never forgotten it.

I looked David up on the internet to find out who he was, his life, and his love.  I did it in part because I was so outside of the world I had no idea how Facebook, messaging or any of that worked or looked.  I did it in part because when I did enter the world again I did not want to be surprised by technology.  I wanted to be informed and not stupid.  I did not see any harm in looking about David or his family, or any of my former classmates or friends I had before.  It was on the internet for anyone to see, and my heart and intent NEVER came from harm.  Which is why when it appeared I was causing a problem between David and his girlfriend – I unfriended him.  At the expense of my own heart break it is better for us to not be friends if it causes him a loss in love in any way – that is how I felt at the time.  However, I wish never looked David up.

I don’t know how James Franco got to re-invent the meaning of a beard which as I always understood it to be before was a cover, or a person being used as a front for a relationship.

I HAVE NOT NOW NOR EVER WANTED OR NEEDED ANY PERSON TO PRETEND ANY RELATIONSHIP.

I wanted to feel sexually desirable after caring for my mother which kept me out of a life for years, after losing so much weight I lost another person, after having surgery it disfigured by body and distorted my body image.

So warped is and was my body image I used to look at bodies and wonder if that is what I looked like.  I used to watch myself walking by because I could not believe what I was seeing.  I could not reconcile my fat body with my new body.  I still have BIG problems with my weight.

David if you wanted to date me, you would not have dressed up as red-headed Tom who worked at Mac Dill Air Force.  After that date I said we were more like brother and sister.  If you wanted to talk to me you would have called out my name or something to make me stop as I walked by you at the AMC.  I walked past your brother too because you very clearly closed the door by calling me delusional.

I will no longer alter or change my driving route.

I once wrote sun on my shoulders makes me happy, but I cannot live with someone else’s pressure of any kind.  I am very capable of pushing myself, taking charge of myself or I never would have lost weight to begin with.

I will no longer believe in “rules’ that only apply to Cherith and no one else.

James Franco if you wanted to date me or know me, you would have done so in person.  If either you or David wanted to know me you would have done so in person.  End of discussion.

Perhaps no one can understand what passed between David and I in college.  I used to believe it would never go away or fade into the ether, but it has become lost to me.

All I wanted was a real man who was born a man has always been a man who loves women who love men who would love me and I could love in return for the rest of my life.  I have been writing and saying this since 2012.

Oh yeah, I am sick and tired of not being able to eat anything at all when working because my food is altered and tampered with forcing me into fasting in order to keep my weight down.

Guess what?  I am the person behind MY smile!

Since when did James Franco get to reinvent the meaning of a “beard?”

No one is allowed entry into my home at any time!!!!

Sitting here hot as hell worried about money, food, finances, employment, my ability to stay alive!

Why is that in Sims 4 every male avatar looks like a young David Wolfe? Who I never want to see or know of again!

Swirling, swirling, spinning, spinning faster and faster!  Have you ever had things go so fast that you are unable to recognize any details at all?  Having to go so fast that the entire world becomes nothing, you see nothing, and you understand nothing!

So, I painted a picture when I was in grade school of Mt. Hood that was chosen from all my other classmates it was framed and hung in the local frame shop.  There is more to this story, but I don’t have time to tell it or anything else anymore.

How did this get to be my whole life?!

I could have had a real job by now and made real money by now.  I wouldn’t have to be going through a bankruptcy because I would have had a job that paid me a salary I could live off of.  This bankruptcy is the most expensive thing I have ever had to do in my life!

People need to listen to me.

If my brother had listened to me he would still be living in San Diego, Ca.  He would still be employed By San Diego University.  His excuse was he wanted to write more instead of teach.  It turns out he prefers to teach.  He is a good teacher.  His students like him.  They ask him for help.  They involve him in their learning.  I’ve seen it.  Do you know how hard that is to find a teacher who likes to teach?!  It seems a obvious thing, but a lot of teachers are not teacher because they enjoy it.  It is a talent to be a teacher.  It is a tremendous thing for a teacher who has the capacity to teach.  I don’t have time to go into this more.  However, had my brother listened to me he would still be teaching, have real estate, and be in a better position financially.  He is a good teacher.

I want a private brain again.  I don’t know how to create, or write with an audience in my head, with the appliances talking and making a racket.

How did this happen to me?!

I am so depressed, unhappy, and sad all the time – this is not who I am or used to be this is what has HAPPENED to me.

Another year, another Christmas all alone without a single person to be my friend, without a boyfriend or a husband – this is not who I am!  Let alone I am unable to put up a Christmas tree #1 because I cannot afford it, and #2 the lights I have someone has replaced and put cameras in them, so I cannot even decorate in my own home.

Why is it everytime I go to work and return home someone I did not create ends up in my Sims game?!

So depressed!

As if it were iron

It stopped me

Inhaled all

And sought me

Born to a machine

It lives

With arms outward

Screaming

Grasping

Choking

Blink

Blink

Breathe, breathe, breathe

Original write date: 5/23/1996

I visited Dachau, Germany November 1988.  It was an experience I will never forget.  Driving into Dachau, the overcast sky seemed to have fallen hanging closer to our heads.  The townspeople walked with the burden of living like a coat too heavy to wear.  We had no idea how to get to the Dachau site.  My mom parked on the street asked me to get out and ask for directions.  As I approached what looked like a toll booth plaza, I didn’t even have to say anything as I was handed directions printed in many different languages courtesy of the local police department on John F. Kennedy Plaza.  I had to travel from America to wind up in Germany at a police station named after an American President.

It was an election year, and I was not yet old enough to vote.  I remember another mother and daughter on the plane with us, the daughter had a Mondale pin on her coat.  How exact opposites we were because if I could have voted I would have voted for Bush.

By the time we got to Dachau we had been in Germany for several days.  As we parked and got out at the site, the very air was different.  The pain of thousands still hung in the air with crushing pressure making it difficult to breathe.

I was teenaged blasé about the importance of the events that took place there.  We started to walk the grounds before going to the museum.  To my great shame, I recall walking by the barracks where they slept at the concentration camp thinking, it’s not so bad.

God heard me.

We came to a turn in the path, and as I turned, I saw the crematorium.  It was as if God thumped me in the head for I could not walk any further.  I was struck at the site.  A blink, and a million images flooded into my head of the torture, of the panic, of the cruelty, of the dead, of the never-ending screams.  I could see and hear.  Unending sympathy, empathy, a never-ending connection to the Jewish people instantly replaced the teenaged blasé boredom.  I was forever changed by that moment.  I couldn’t continue any further.  I couldn’t walk to the crematorium.

I had been so struck.

My mother and I went through the museum, we ate dinner, we found a hotel for the night.  Then, after having a shower and getting into my pajamas did I feel myself come out from the shock of witnessing the crematorium.

It was such an experience and I had so many other life changing experiences afterward it took me many years later to put it into words.

Yeah, God heard me.  He let me see the truth.  He let me feel it.

Years later when I auditioned for The Diary of Anne Frank and didn’t make it.  I asked to help behind the scenes.  I got to do the costumes, and something else I can’t remember.  The memory was still very present in my mind, so I organized a field trip for the actors to go to the Florida Holocaust museum, which is where I bought Sophie’s Choice.  I wanted to impart some of the importance that I witnessed and experienced to the actors, so they could use it, if nothing else, in their performance.

Upon leaving the museum, the actress who played Anne’s mother said to me, “Well, it was interesting, but I didn’t get much from it.”  You could have bowled me over with a feather (it’s an expression).  I was so stunned, here is a woman older than myself who was also a mother, but could not find anything from the museum to take with her.  I still don’t know how to understand that, other than not everyone is emotionally able to receive at each moment.  Some people go their whole lives, and are not emotionally available to receive.

Yeah, God struck me.  He let me know.  I am ashamed of my callousness still.  Because the truth is I am not an uncaring or calloused person.  It’s one of those hard-wired things you’re born with that do not change.  God made me that.  I guess the betrayal was painful to God, so He told me so.  As it turns out, the betrayal was painful to me as well.  To knowingly go against your own nature is a pain that cannot be described.

 

Sitting in traffic Dr. Dre pulls up alongside of me.  I hear a voice in my head saying you are in the presence of greatness.  Without missing a beat I respond, yeah, but does he know my name?

How did I get here?  I saw a video of James Franco talking about men are beards and women are moustache’s now my entire world is having to drive on Painted Turtle proving that I only want men.  I don’t ever get to move on from this?

I am too tired to finish this.  Of course, it can only be men for me!  Why do I have to do this over and over, year after year?!

Why can’t they just shave it off?  Does it make a man less of a man without any facial hair?!  Not to mention this men vs. women is not the definition of a beard as I ever understood it before.

I don’t know what’s wrong with this word press and why it doesn’t work with Norton.

At the cash register of European Gourmet as I was about to leave in walks a man wearing dreads, painted black handing the person behind the counter free samples of energy drinks – it was Eminem.

I originally wrote this story back in July/August 2014 which is now lost.  I did not have a hard copy of it.  I am not happy with this version.  To me it is not enough.  To me it is me trying to write as fast as possible getting as many stories out as possible.  But, I know this story is more powerful than what I’ve written…so far… 

On an airplane, going on vacation with my family to Florida.  Headphones on listening away, changing channels as each time I got bored.  Wearing my hand-made knitted sweater my mother made in that fantastic 80’s shade of pearl grey.  I was in my own little world believing I was a grown-up.

When, I am suddenly surprised by some else’s drink landing in my lap.  The stewardess quickly apologizes for her blunder and telling me the airline will pay for the dry-cleaning.  Over and over, I’m sorry, they’ll pay for the dry-cleaning.  Here I am with Coca-Cola and ice from my mid-section to my lap, I look up from my all-knowing-adults-don’t have-a-clue eyelids and slight disgust to say, uh-okay.  But, I want to say lady, I’m only thirteen years old.

We arrive in Florida to be greeted by Hurricane Elena.  Departing the airplane, I quickly became acquainted with the wet air of humidity.  My mother had our route all planned in advance, however to stay ahead of the storm we had to change our plans.

Instead of having hotel reservations waiting for us, we ended up at dive motels along the road.  Our trip to Walt Disney World was cut short as the park closed due to weather.  It was hard to stay out of the rain.  Everywhere we went it was raining, so it was just like being back in Oregon except it was hotter and more humid.  The only consolation on the trip was Bill Cosby.

It started on the airplane Bill Cosby: Himself was playing on the airplane, it was on the radio, and it was on television in the hotel rooms.  We listened to it over and over again.  It seemed we all agreed on it.  After another long day of rain, and sunshine, and August Florida humidity, and the joys of family vacations we ended up at a small motel along the highway watching Bill Cosby: Himself, again.

We were all tired and exhausted, yet laughing here and there.  Something happened that night.  While I was laughing – the whole world suddenly stopped.  A moment frozen in time with my mother, father, and brother in mid-laughter.  A multitude of images swirled in my head as I saw the neon glow of Motel reflected in the pool’s water outside, the leaves along the edges and bottom of the pool, the chair and table my brother was sitting at, the dubious cleanliness of the shag carpeting, where the car was parked outside our hotel door, the color of the night sky, the glow from the streetlights along the road, but what I really and truly saw was my mother, father, and brother for the first time.  Not as a parent or a sibling, I saw them as their most beautiful selves.

Because something happens when you laugh.  It is the greatest opening to a person’s soul while laughing.  It was the first time my family became real to me.  Not that they weren’t real before, it was the first time I got to see them as something more.

It is a moment I know with certainty existed.  It is a moment that happened.  It is a moment I have shared every chance I get because in that moment I was hooked, I was addicted.  If it was possible to see my own family differently than the same must be true for everyone else.  Every chance I could I would try to make other’s laugh.  Oh, but not just laugh or giggle it’s that breaking down of walls and barriers laughter that sheds a person exterior to reveal the real beautiful within.  I have loved it my whole life.  The sight of someone’s true self reveled through laughter.  There is nothing else that can compare to it.

I will be forever grateful to Bill Cosby for that moment he gave me while being himself.

Sitting outside reading a book on my lunch break David Wolfe as Alfredo Cruz asked me if he could get me a chair.  He said he hoped it would rain, so he didn’t have to mow the lawn.

Not all people who have children are cut out to be parents.  They can be useful or successful in other areas of their lives, yet still be terrible parents.  So, the other parent has to take up the slack.  My father was not cut out to be a parent.  I don’t have time to go into much further today.  The previous post I posted today took me over four hours to write, and it was not the only thing I had to do today.

My mind is spent.  My body is tired.  I am beyond weary.  Oh, yeah…I am broke as hell.  I want this to end.  I want my life back.

My mother went to her parent after the wedding night, they told her to get the marriage annulled.  He dragged her down the hallway by her hair.  I hate having to share this in this way.  I would have waited, I would have used it in a different writing.  You would have had to live with my father to understand.  He is a hoarder.  It was a terrible mess going through and getting rid of boxes and boxes of paperwork when we sold the home.  I am not taking my mother’s word for it alone I don’t have time to go into all the bad times with my father.  He used to hit my brother in the ear.

I guess my vagina/crotch is never going to feel clean again.  I guess my “lips” are constantly going to feel violated.  No wonder I would rather die.

Walking into the tool rental area Tommy said into the phone, “We’ve met.”  I waited as he hung up the phone when he started shaking his hands.  I took both of his hands in mine to calm him.  There was just a few moments of polite conversation when a woman wearing a Shermin-Williams t-shirt walked into the door backwards saying, “So, not a leader.”  As if to say, Cherith is not a leader.

I quickly left the area with a slight smile on my face for I didn’t know it in that exact moment, but that was David Wolfe disguised as Tommy.  It takes time to place the pieces together sometimes.  See, a lot of people have been placed in front of me wearing masks, or disguises, painted black, extra padding, or controlling the air around and in front of me.

Still to this day I have no idea why this – or any of this has happened.

There was a time when I thought it was important to make amends with David Wolfe.  Most of my memories of he and I in college are of yelling and screaming matches.  One thing he and I agreed on – Don’t tell me to calm down.  I don’t want to be told how to feel.  Almost every single day in college we fought.  But, there is this picture – well, there are several pictures – a cast picture.  As they were about to snap the photo David bent down to me placing his head close to mine.  I placed my hand on his head and literally squealed with joy.  You can see it all over my face in that photo how happy I was.  But, the bigger picture is the look on the others in the photo as they understood why I squealed – it is all over their faces too.  Even David’s girlfriend in the photo appears happy for us.

I plan on going back and rewriting the David moments that occurred along with a great deal of others.  However, for me those moments only live any longer in the past.  I no longer have a natural, unspoken connection to David.  It has been many years now since it has left me.  So, I know with a resolution that time has passed, it is over, and it has finished in my heart.  Just like I knew my mother was gone, but I did not know that she had died and everyone lied to me about – I know there is no going back to David of any kind.  However, it does not make any of the stories of the past any less true.

There is a voice in my head that is not my own, and no, I am not crazy.  I will never again believe that I had to have surgery.  My hysterectomy that was given to me by The Moffit Cancer Group I will never again believe was necessary.  My doctor, Dr. Kelly sent me for an ultrasound after examining me when I was told I had cysts that needed to be removed.  I was bleeding around the clock.  My periods were three weeks long.  I was anemic.  Yet, at the time I just kept on going because I was taking care of my mother, and paying attention to myself was the last thing I could manage.

Because of theses last few years and everything around me that has changed me into this version of Cherith that I do not recognize or like at all, I will never again believe that surgery saved my life.  Because that surgery, left something behind.  A receiver, or a transmitter, or a tracker.  It is that surgery along with the root canal from my dentist that implanted a listening device that steals my thoughts.

I can no longer pray to God because I have an audience in my head.

I wish I had never met David Wolfe.  I will not change this viewpoint anymore.

There is no even-flo in my life.  Not if anyone would listen to me.  I am so tired of being lied to.  I am so tired of being virtually fucked while the other person is cheating on the real person in their life.

I am going celibate.  I am so devastated at these last several years, and I am so hurt at the loss of love in my life that I have decided to give up on sexual wellness and my sexual health.  It is a pain in my head and heart I cannot describe to be so alone like this unable to make any connections with people, or have friends, or build a life for myself.

Since March or April of 2014, I have written, texted, emailed, spoken out, made notes, posted pictures in front of my television that I never wanted to see Edison again.  Edison who was a man I had sex with because I wanted to feel sexually desirable by a man since David was everywhere I went.  Nearly every day where I went I saw David – usually on a motorcycle.  David, who no longer wanted to speak with me or be friends with me by telling me so in a Facebook message calling me delusional when I confronted him about seeing him.  When I discovered the reason why things did not add up with Edison, why the sex was never any good, why I never had an orgasm, etc.  When I discovered that Edison was wearing a skin-suit and that every conversation, the sex, everything, had someone else watching telling this person what to say, what to do, and how to act and behave – there was a click that happened.  A complete shut-down in my mind, body, spirit, soul, and heart.  I have been trying to get away from this person for years.  I have been trying to move on from this person for years.

Mark, this person I dated was the worst kisser in the world.  YUCK!

I am still planning on writing the declassified series even if I repeat myself in these posts.  I have an Angel Chronicles I am going to write as well.  Plus, the Forever Moments, I have two separate children’s stories collection I want to write.  In addition, to the articles and short stories I have been trying to write for years.

But, I am tired.  I want to remove myself from the world.  I do not want to be in front of the camera anymore.  I want a private life.  I want a sabbatical.  I feel like I need a year away from everything just to rest my brain.  I am in tremendous pain every day it is all over my face.  I cannot smile anymore.  My eyes do not light up anymore.  I am tired of being hot and dirty and smelly every day.  I feel like I want to die just for relief from this life.

One day when I was working at The Container Store this oversized gentlemen came in asking me to design a closet for him and his partner.  It was one of the most wonderful conversations I’ve ever had.  He was upbeat, positive, a pleasure to be around, he was so very lovely it stood out in my mind immediately.  Then, we had a travel meeting at the store.  Cat commented on how nice I looked and how she liked my well-defined calves.  I knew at the moment it was not because of Cat that I immediately blushed.  See, he was on the other side of the security camera’s.  I saw him at Home Depot.  He was dressed as a cloud.  This tall man came walking towards me, of course I wanted to help him.  Some small talk, then he talked about having an arm transplant.  He touched my shoulder with his finger running it down my arm and there was such power in his touch, I was immediately embarrassed.  I was so changed from the last time he saw me.  I lost a skinny 18 pounds.  I was wearing bargain basement clothing, my make-up was sparse and worn like a person who had lost everything.  I was embarrassed at my appearance and this person I had become.  In New Orleans sitting at a bar, I saw him with a bald cap covering his head on the television.  But, the last time I saw him was riding a bicycle wearing a white beard.  Benedict Cumberbatch is one of the loveliest people I’ve ever spoken with, he is positive, and there is an energy there that extends beyond his body.  A lovely, lovely, wonderful person to have met.  Thank you.

When I was last in Key West, I was sitting at the bar at Sloppy Joes in comes David Wolfe wearing some sort of disguise he touched my left knee as he passed.  In that moment he touched me all this hurt and anger and upset – just left me.  But, that moment is gone from me too.  I never wish to see him again.  He left me with a one-sided smile, and that has severed any hope of friendship ever again.  Some betrayals you cannot come back from.

I feel so used and abused.  I am so tired of being lied to.  I feel like someone started a project that grew bigger than originally planned and they have been unable to keep up appropriately.

I am so over this stupid nonsense of only doing it this way and only doing it that way.  Doing what is asked of me only to find out after the fact that I was set-up to fail.  I am tired and over all these previous rules – such as – Gator Ford being pressure cooking just to name one.

I saw David Wolfe when I was at a Beer and Bourbon Fest back in 2014.  He was crossing a street in front of me with a little dog behind him, or near him.  I remember there was a little dog.  I was perfectly fine, and then I went back for another sample that was about 3 or 3:30pm.  I woke up the next morning as I was supposed to leave for work.  I woke up in different clothes.  I have never taken care of someone who had too much to drink, taken all their clothes off, dressed them, then placed them in bed.  Not even if they had thrown up or soiled their clothes.  I have no idea who took me home to see me naked.  I believe I was used against my will.

Before moving here I have never black out drunk before.  I know that last drink I was given had a sedative in it.  Let me tell you all the times I have been drugged.  I went to my friend Tammy’s house, second glass of wine – I woke up the next morning unaware of what happened.  I know she put something in the wine.

I went to a co-worker’s birthday party after the second shot that Erin gave me I woke up again at home.  I am sure I am not going through all the occurrences correctly.  I know they put sedatives in the alcohol and used it as a way to extract information from me about my past, people, and so forth.

Which brings me to David Wolfe – again – this time dressed as Alfredo Cruz walking in telling me he got Stephanie’s number through an air vent.  Because the fire alarms in this house, the security alarm, and so forth have microphones and cameras for people to remotely access me.  To record, hypnotize, mess with my brain, scour my memories, and so on.  I am not making this up.  Having someone deny this to me in person does not make it any less true.

David Wolfe as Alfredo Cruz telling me the scar on his forearm happened when his best friend took a cigar and burned it in his arm never speaking to him again.  David and I were at a cast party, he was sitting on the sofa with his Guinness when I decided for fun to smoke the cigars that were used as props from the show.  David knew I was being drugged.  He may have even participated.  I have never thought of David as my best friend.  He has become my worst enemy and nightmare.

I went to Starbucks on my lunch break.  I tried watching my drink as it was being assembled.  I got back to The Container Store and quickly drank my coffee in the break room.  I walked out onto the sales floor, “Marvin” approached me and something I cannot describe came over me, I was suddenly woozy.  I have no idea what they put in my coffee.  He wanted to know why I no longer wanted to work on truck.  How could I tell my GM that once I had sex with Edison the entire store seemed to know of it.  I wasn’t even attracted with any emotion to that stupid midget.

The dryer in this house doesn’t work any more.  I don’t know how to fix it.

There is a memory I have at the dentist getting my teeth cleaned when a car outside revved its engine.  The dental hygenist asked me what the noise was, the question was – well, it stood out, so I said I had no idea.  To which she responded it must have been an alien.  What?!

I have no idea why I am taking the time to write all these things that have happened to me that people deny are real.  I can hardly wait for people to stop pretending, to deactivate the blue tooth, and to remove myself from the public eye.  I think about suicide all the time when I never used to before.  It is the only way I know to be free anymore.

After taking care of my mother, I thought I needed to have a lot of different experiences and adventures to make up for years.  Erin and Rene took me to a strip club.  Their friend Casey showed up too.  I knew it was wrong before I even got there.  As I walked into the strip club my entire body cringed.  I watched the man across the bar the whole night, he had his black motorcycle helmet on the bar.  I didn’t know how to get out of the evening.  I was miserable pretending everything was ok.  As if on cue, toward the end of the night we all started dancing, I didn’t think anything of it.  Casey started dancing behind me and placed her hand on my boob as we were dancing.  Then, they quickly took a photo which looked as though I was having the time of my life.  I wasn’t.  I don’t even know how to describe the dancing and the boob touch.  Yuck!  It was a moment that stood out.  To me, I thought I’ve danced with countless men in clubs, and let them touch my body when I had no desire of remembering who they were in the next minute.  Men are not lesbians.  Erin and Rene told me to take Casey home as she was too drunk to drive.  Uh-ok.  I didn’t think much of it at the time, I know now they had other means of control working for them which is why I was not able to tell them they should take her home.  She was their friend after all, not mine.  I put Casey on the sofa in the front room while I slept in the chair keeping my eye on her.  I was so uncomfortable I didn’t want to even go in my bedroom while she was there.  I kept the tv on and the lights on.  I kept one eye open the whole night.  I am reminded of a quote I read once by Oprah Winfrey where she said she wasn’t even a little bit gay.  That night was one of the worst nights of my life.  I have no idea why somebody would try to set up such a scenario instead of letting me date real men who could actually love me.  No way even after drinking was I in any way going near Casey or any other woman.  Gross!  The Tivo was on, recording me, the fire alarms, etc.  A few days later, Casey texted inviting me to the movies.  I put my foot down saying I did not like her in that way and did not believe it was a good idea, and I did not want to go to the movies with her.  No means no.  How many years must I say the same thing over and over and over again before I am heard and believed.

To have Erin, Rene, and Casey out of my life will make me happy.  They have not had a positive influence on me.  Lesson learned be careful around lesbians.  YEEESSH!

God Damn you David Wolfe!  You knew this was happening!  You caused this to happen.

Walking onto the monorail at Magic Kingdom, James Franco was sitting down, his hair was bushier and more curly than I’ve seen him before.  I said hello and asked him if he was on his way to work because he was clearly not a tourist or on vacation.  I wore grey bermuda shorts.  It was not a big deal to meet him.  It was very brief.  So what?!  Can’t I please move on from him and from David too?!

I was at a resort in Orlando talking with a friend by the pool when I looked up because I was aware someone was watching me, and sure enough I saw curtain closing from a window several floors up.  There was a young man with a wool skull-cap sitting by the pool who I thought must be wired.  Nobody in Florida could stand to wear a wool hat in summer.

I thought James Franco was Rick sometimes at The Container Store.  I thought Sally looked like a man dressed as a woman.

Do you know how many times David Wolfe called me when I was working at Disney?  I believe he used to call up to hear my voice.  Sometimes he would hang up without speaking to me.  One time, this man called me at Disney asking for an anniversary vacation package, and I suddenly burst into tears.  I believe that was David Wolfe calling me.  David’s girlfriend called me at Disney asking for a marathon package.  I didn’t realize it at the time, I remember having to send an email to my supervisor about the call because it was so strange and threatening I wanted to cover myself.

I could go on and on.  And, I will just not tonight.  I wish I had never met David Wolfe.

What do you do when the most popular boy in school asks to see your notes from class?  Pause.  Ok.  I handed Nathan Simpson my workbook when I suddenly remembered I had edited my teacher’s writing.  I crossed out every word negro and wrote the word black.  This was the ’80’s after all.  Black is by far a more powerful word, and who says the word negro?  I don’t recall the conversation other than my embarrassment at correcting my teacher.

I don’t know who owns this house.  It is in my brother’s name.  If he didn’t pay for the electric and other bills I could never afford to live here.  I wonder who actually pays the bills.  Because there isn’t one reason why I haven’t been able to get a job that pays a livable wage, so I could live here or anywhere on my own.  I am tired of being hot.  I have the A/C turned up because I am afraid of running up the electric bill.

I had an interview at Ann Taylors for a job, but it was Taylor Swift who interviewed me.  I didn’t book that job.

I am living off of naps because I do not get a solid eight hours of sleep.  I am living off of snacks and chips because I cannot afford the ingredients for real food.

I want to know how and when my mother really died.  I want to know why strangers dressed up as my mother pretending to be her in her nursing home.  I went to Wal-Mart one day looking for something to take to my mother when David talking very loudly near the point of yelling was walking behind me on his phone pushing me out the door.

I want a private brain again.  I want to unplug my brain.  This is such a drain on my body and mind to be plugged into all the time and at all.

I think if you want my stories you should pay for them.  You should pay for my time too.