I don’t know why I gave this to someone else. Again, giving the power back to me, and out of someone else’s hands and back to me. For, I see no reason to see other’s and do nothing, say nothing, or write nothing. Thank you is the greatest act I can do, I have nothing else to give or offer.
A Smile Series: Thank you
June 15, 2017
So, here is what I am thinking as part of the Director’s chair series. They go together and they improve my 360 life. I am simply not able to watch every single movies, or tv show, or even listen to every piece of music once I’ve seen someone. I wanted to come here and write a quick blurb. I will start with the most recent and try – I doubt it will be complete – to work my way backwards when I remember someone.
This will be my take away, or what I receive when I see others, or what I can see about others. It’s been called many different things. I think the truth is I don’t see anything the other person doesn’t want me to know, or see. A person is who they are regardless of everything else.
In this way, I hope to be able in some small way to say thank you for their time, energy, patience, and creative talent. For all the middle-fingers I fly it has NEVER been against any one person. I simply never wanted to live this kind of life. Nevertheless, I am an appreciator it is hard for me to be otherwise.
Also, I believe in the acts of smallness. How the smallest gestures can have the greatest impact. As an example, while caring for my mother taking her in her wheelchair, she loved people so much she wanted to greet everyone. She would talk to people in her distorted, broken vocabulary most people would return the favor with horrified shock and almost disgust upon their face. They would turn to me with a look of, why did you bring her out in public? So, every time someone would simply smile in return, I was so grateful. It made my mother so happy! And, there is no way I could do anything to pay back that simple kindness – you have no idea the profundity of a smile. A smile changes things. A smile has power. A smile can say more than words. A smile is of great importance.
If I come here to write about the experience, then the mockingbird/copy-cat business can come to an end. Instead of dressing in a certain way, or buying certain products, or driving down a certain road, I will come here to write. It is time for something new, greater, bigger, and better for all.
Do to so many factors in play there is not a lot of time for me to cultivate words or pictures to define the encounter. I hope that even a few words will be able to speak to something that cannot be defined in words.
I will leave it to you, Mr. to expand and build upon. I do reserve the right to alter and help define the creativity of the series. I am not sure if series is the best term since it will be confined, for some, to my shoes. Which in my mind, it is not.
If that was Keira Knightley with the hand to her chest, I had to look away. The memory is so repulsive, I just couldn’t look anymore. She did look dead tired for which I am sorry she had to be there. It is a difficult shift. Also, she was at Walt Disney World with me during training – it was near the Carousel at Magic Kingdom when she said she felt like every one was staring at her as if she is was famous – paraphrased. She was always on the phone.
Cuba Gooding it was just a walk by, and it was a while ago. It is a difficult one to explain, it is one of those that is a knowing and it is not until later that I understand or piece it together. A sort of bewildered, how does this thing really work.
Josh Lucas what a bright, happy, personable good-natured man. It was really difficult not to buy the painter’s chest. But, understand that memory is horrifying and degrading, and I painted before I was ever found. It was a pleasure even just to walk by.
Rachel McAdams – how very personable I felt you must be. An easy conversationalist. Black pants, white top. Also, she played a trainer at Disney too.
Do you know what a treat it was designing a closet for, oh I can’t remember what name he used, Benedict Cumberbatch, and his partner. He was staying somewhere south in Florida, but the closet was for a condo in Ann Harbor? Michigan. It was such a treat! He was so fun and enjoyable to speak to. Honestly, so much time has passed I can’t recall if it was a put-on or not. But, so much fun! When he appeared at Home Depot it was not a difficult thing to approach him this tall handsome man. However, when he touched my shoulder I knew there was something very different about him. He had a lot of power in his touch. It was so terribly flattering. I mean, I had changed so much. I barely had money for food or gas, let alone all my clothes were beat to hell. He was speaking about his shoulder transplant or surgery? Hard to remember anymore too much fiddling in my brain and too much diluting of my memories. Yes, always a surprise to see him, even on bicycle. Plus, I know he was speaking through Cat at TCS when he said I looked nice, and he liked a woman with such well-defined calves. I blushed, but I couldn’t at the moment place it for I KNEW it had nothing to do with Cat. Do you know how they talked me out of my plate of French fries?! An order of French fries at a British pub, sitting outside in the shade. I was somehow talked out of it by those on the other side of the street in the sun. I had to walk away and make-up some story about having to leave. Do you know how they talked me out of those purple pants with the Union Jack? Those purple pants that fit me like they were made for my body. I’m still upset about those two things. For me, those purple pants were a loss not because of the color or nationality. For fuck sake, man they fit me so well, and I still own so few clothes. It’s been so hurtful being talked out of purchases and constantly having to return things. They are both well-formed memories in my mind – the french-fries and pants. He was so much fun to speak with! I can’t remember which came first Sherlock Holmes or Frankenstein. On the very rare occasion that I got to leave the house while caring for my mother and do something for me the movie theater was playing a theatrical version of Frankenstein. Just two actors, and at intermission each actor changed roles. I think Danny Boyle was the director. Do you know why I remember Danny Boyle was the director? The people sitting in my row to my right, I knew were watching me. I have no idea why. Do you know what I love about theater? When you step into a theater – that stale, un-circulated, never-seen-the-sun air. I take a deep breath every time I walk into a theater. It’s different at each theater. Each unique. There is no mistaking you are in a theater. I enjoyed Frankenstein very much. There is nothing like theater. Still a very dorky fan – that is to say I appreciate what he gives the audience. I bought the, I am Sher-locked t-shirt because I thought it was terribly clever writing at the time. Also, to watch a man (Sherlock) willing to go to such lengths for a woman – well, happy endings haven’t happened yet in my life.
Keith Urban – a black Urban? This is a difficult one to explain. There was a sort of gentleness, perhaps mellow, a non-pushy, non-aggressive, simple look toward the exit door. There is always some sort of tell with people as no matter what color they are they are still themselves.
Jennifer Lawrence – which time?! The black cat-walk in dreads at the mall, over-the-top having fun, or the driving a Jeep like a crazed-stomping-on-the-gas woman, or urine collection for Home Depot? I think that’s all of them.
Tom Hanks/Rita Wilson – Red hand, black Mr. Hanks. I’m sorry I was late that day, you seemed somewhat nervous. I think it had to do with the driving. I am sorry it took so long for me. You looked painful, your get-up. Plus, you looked so tired. Sorry for your trouble.
Marc Anthony – that is the most beautiful song! I’m sorry they put acne on your face.
Bill Cosby – sitting in a wheelchair at my mother’s nursing home doing an over exaggerated tongue lick. The memory might have been different had I not just walked out of my mother’s room with an actor playing her part. I mean, how can I honestly yell at me mother for being an imposter?! Even if it was a man playing her. Those memories of her being played by actors are so unbearably painful I can see or feel nothing else. You see, my mother would be so ashamed of my life as I am so ashamed of my life, and what it has become. I saw you, however it is marked with such sadness for me I cannot see past the cover-up of her death.
David Tennant – What a delightful conversation. I have no idea what we spoke of during your closet organization at Home Depot, but it was a joy. Very, very lovely. It had been a long since I’d had a fun and wonderful conversation. I would have been happy to have let it go on longer. Wonderful man.
Billy Crystal – Harry, was his name when he signed up for emails while I was cashiering at TCS. A lovely man. I could have talked to him for much longer about absolutely nothing and enjoyed it. A delight!
These are all the people I can think of at this time. I am not sure, I can name them all from the last four years. I’ll try.
WE - DO NOT AGREE! 