Drive, Drive, Drive, And Drive Some More – it’s dated 3/13/2016 – however, much of my writings have been altered and hacked by others I do not know if this date is correct.
Here I was under the impression that David knew me best and would want the best for me. I’m just now starting to understand that is not true or correct.
I do know, I would never treat him the way he has treated me.
I would never in a million years dream of going out of my way to hurt or harm him or anyone he cared for either.
It was a mistake going to that produce place as it has been a mistake every time I’ve tried to reach out to him in the last several years. A person should not feel full after eating a few bites of fruits or vegetables. I was not trying to reach out to him by buying produce there. I was trying to protect myself.
Seems I am never able to win when trying to protect myself having to be in these circumstances beyond my control.
He did give me , however the rest associated with him and the harm he has caused me. I just would never have gone out of my way to hurt him the way he has hurt and humiliated me.
I love him enough as a friend to want the very best for him. It still surprises me how little of that is reciprocated.
This evening I was remembering the different times Rick changed. When he was in the break room talking angrily about his hip replacement – he was a different Rick.
Walking to my car Rick and Marvin were watching the water sprinklers – he was a different Rick.
I think the time Rick was merchandising shoe boxes talking about the football player who was in the store with Cristina by referencing men who wear earrings about talking about how he doesn’t watch gossip television – that was a different Rick.
When Rob stood on one side of me and Rick stood on the right side of me – that was a different Rick.
Or more correctly, they were all the same Rick’s the other times they were different. Just a guess. I never smelled smoke.
For me it is rather pointless remembering these changes when I am struggling so much just to hang on.
I’ll stop eating food, I guess and going to the store. It seems to be the only answer I can find.
So much bad done to me. I am having such a hard time knowing what to do with all the bad in my life, then how to find a place to put the bad away in my headspace.
Still shock at how much I do not remember about that trip in Nov/Dec 2014. Starving to death I remember. Not being able to find decent shelter or afford decent shelter – I remember. Not being able to do anything other than drive, drive, drive and drive so more – I remember. Feeling like someone had altered every piece of clothing making terrible judgement calls on my character to the point I had to throw them all away and have nothing not even a bra to wear – I remember.
I don’t remember any scenery. I don’t remember the way the sky looked or colors in the setting sun or anything one would normally remember while driving.
So much bad done to me beyond my control and I not only don’t know how I am going to get better, I don’t know if it is even possible to get better.
WE - DO NOT AGREE! 