Disclaimer: Men Born Male Only, No Gays, No Skirt Wearing Fairies, No Transgender, No Tires, No Women Allowed! At this time because of work problems no African-American men or black men. This actually hurts my feelings to write that. I cannot believe I am writing this, but Murphy said, he doesn’t mind me including this part of the disclaimer, he knows it has nothing to do with the color of their skin, as do I know it.
Um, so why has this man had his hair changed from what it was a few hours ago, and why is he wearing plano glasses? Why is he looking so specific?! Wait, damnit! I missed my turn. I missed my kitchen!
This I do not understand. Perhaps it is a just not yet, I do not understand.
Again, I am not eating. Still full. Thirsty. Liquid is all I am able to manage. It is so bad.
After the article I just saw I am having a hard time not throwing away every piece of electronic equipment and drowning myself out back. I am so disgusted. Because no one truly seems to believe how unbelievably hurtful, harmful, damaging, and destructive these years have been.
I do believe after tonight that I am not in the minority. Black paint and black face are so disgusting. It is so repellent. That there are more men that believe with me. That these hand years were not just unnecessary, but ruthlessly cruel in their intent.
Last time I was in Boston I ate in a decent restaurant, however I enjoyed looking at the water, being at the water, smelling the water, feeling the air off of the water. I believe I am correct that this he agrees with me, that I did not need to move here. That these years have not been useful in any degree or at all, that it has been an enormous waste of time, that it has far exceeded its time limit, that it has done nothing but lie to me. More importantly, it has done nothing but damage me.
Where I wanted to go was the World of Coke in Atlanta, where I ended up was at a Pilot gas station. Told in my head not to go to the World of Coke, I went to a museum. A museum is better than nothing at all.
I will not retract what I wrote yesterday, do not be confused…that – he, that he along with all the other he’s who have never actually touched me in real life were so very wrong. He knows it. More and more people are telling him so. More and more men are telling him so. He has left me without a single man of my own in the flesh to love and be loved. It is simply more than not enough. It is cruel. Has he gone these years without being loved by a woman in the flesh? No. Yet, he has made me live a life without a moment of actual love. For what?! A laugh? A joke? For money? To make money off of me and nothing more? It is sick.
Please stop telling me this is about love. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Nothing could be further from the truth. Do you know what happens to me every time I have been made to masturbate? I am so ashamed, I cry. I weep helplessly because it is not the same as being loved by a man in the flesh. Worse I feel cheap and sickened as I try to shove out the thoughts of what random stranger has just viewed me in the flesh naked that I will never in life see with my own eyes, let alone be able to give consent to have them look and see me naked. Hundreds and hundreds of men have looked and watched me naked that I will never know or be able to see them face to face and actually give my consent. Hundreds. It is disgusting. I weep helplessly.
Everyone, it seems has gone along with it because he is famous, because he is a famous actor.
Everyone, but me.
I never have, I never did. I was never given the choice.
He believes I am so simple, stupid and small-minded that when I discovered that it was a famous actor who watched me, looked at me on a monitor while another man was in the room that I would be so overcome, I would believe for years and years. I have not. I never have. I have just not had the choice of my own.
To tell the story again for the millionth time, when I told David of my jaw and he fell to the floor immediately in laughter it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. It is not enough. All these years later it is not enough to keep me like a virtual slave. Fingers in or you get heavy problems this teacher to my right tortures me with.
Let’s never meet again. I no longer feel the same way about you, David. How could I? I never want to meet or see you ever again in my life.
I want him to admit he was wrong. I want him to admit his failure. I am not now nor; will I ever be a black woman’s baby. He has done nothing but torture me for years, and you have all watched with him as if it was real when it never was. I will never love James Franco. I will never have nice things to say about him. I will never of my own free will ever work or want to be associated or involved with him in any way. Do not be fooled there is no love lost.
If James Franco believed I was gay, he is a dumber fool than I would have taken him for. I have never lied about my sexuality or my wants. He has.
Talk about psychological damage, he or a man plays in the background out of sight while a woman stands in front of me, basically coming on to me, and I am supposed to what?! Not be disgusted?! He is so very wrong.
I do not understand why David went along with it. I do not understand why anyone goes along with it.
Again, I will never love David again. It is only human nature after such betrayal and lies. Do not be fooled there is no love lost.
A specific he asked me to write this story – this has nothing to do with a black woman walking around in a t-shirt last night. Oscar Wilde. I did not like reading Oscar Wilde. The Portrait of Dorian Gray. I found him conceded, mean, self-righteous, smug, dumb with silliness. A gay man in a marriage to a woman who could have written a future for the world instead wrote about how vain, and ugly it is to be gay. He was in the wrong sexual relationship. If he had been in the correct sexual relationship perhaps his writing would have been different.
If no one wonders why I am so angry flipping traffic cameras off all the time, it is because I am in the wrong sexual relationship. I should be with a man I can hold for the rest of my life. Nothing else matters without that.
There was a he who walked out front, I might have worn my face on his shirt, however I am not talking about it. There were no hands involved that I am aware of.
Tonight, while at work I was sedated, drugged, and over-novicated. He knows it. He knows he did wrong. You try this, because this is how it feels, you try performing brain surgery while under anesthesia, or sedated. It is something that happens. I was sick and unable to work.
It has been made obvious to me that when I write about my cats it gets noticed. However, when I write about myself nothing happens, actually worse, it does not correct itself it gets worse. Because I am actually nothing and no one to any man.
I used to have a four-bedroom house with a sunroom and pool with property that had plants, and now I have a hallway. And nothing more.