Counseling

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October 19, 2018

Counseling.

If she has said that she did not mean to hit me, then she is lying, or she wouldn’t have changed the profile picture of my manager to have bruises on either side of her mouth.

“Casey” the only reason I am writing this is because of your father.  He probably was talking about it to a buddy of his or just thinking about it and that is why I’ve seen and heard it in my brain.

Your father loves you.  You need to let that in and allow it to stay and live there.

Father of “Casey” she knows that you love her.  She knows that it hurts you to be away from her.  She uses it against you.  She knowingly and willingly manipulates you with your love for her.  She thinks you don’t want trouble.  Given your line of work that could not be true.  He doesn’t want to lose you again Casey.

“Casey” and father of “Casey” it wouldn’t hurt to sit down together with a counselor, so you will be able to talk to each other for real.

“Casey” has been sexually abused, probably raped too.

I see there was an amount of time your father wasn’t around.  It is not his fault you were abused.  It is not “Casey’s” fault she was abused.

“Casey” thinks she is doing well.  I would disagree.  She has a thinking of don’t disclude, of including everyone.  She might use it as a way of acceptance.  However, when a person hurts you, harms people, or is not in a good place, or capable of being a good friend or person in return it is necessary to cut them off, disassociate, to keep yourself healthy.

Her father sees why “Casey” looks up to me, I saw it in my head before I heard him say it in my head.

There is a reason I have always been resistant to this friendship.  “Casey” has an allowance for people and behaviors I do not allow.

“Casey” being tough does not mean hitting women and hitting other women or hitting men either.  That is the same as the abused becoming the abuser.

Being tough does not mean hitting, punching, being rough and mean, it is a matter of knowing who you are and not giving in.  It is as simple as that.

I never knowingly stepped into a boxing match with any person.  I would not.  That is not who I am.  That is not wise, in my opinion.  It is not where I live.  It is not where I live emotionally.

You have taken my words wwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy out of context.  Police officers, law enforcement, agency men and women say things like I will punch you in the face, they don’t actually, with intention, punch people.  It is an emotion that they use.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.

“Casey” I would ask you to do something.  You are not going to like it.  However, I will write it anyway.  I would ask you to give yourself some time just for you.  Turn off the radio.  Turn off the television.  Give yourself some days to yourself.  Turn off your phone.  Do not have friends or people over to your place.  Give yourself some time for yourself.

Go through things, clear away memorabilia, trinkets, or just the past and its associations that have been attached with things around your house.  Clean out your closet and its past (I literally see you have a messy closet and nothing more).  Do things no one really likes to do like dusting or scrubbing the molding and baseboards, or clean and clear out your cupboards, and think.

Think about what you really want to say to your father, and how you really want your relationship to be with your father.  Because he is not going away.  Don’t just rush into counseling talks with your father at the last minute and think about it then.

Take some time to really think about yourself and be honest with yourself, do the head work by yourself of yourself before you go to counselling.  The past happened.  Today is today.  Each day is a day that wasn’t there before.

Sometimes you do have to say I cannot be your friend anymore.  I need to move on.  I need to be the best me there is.

Your father is not a perfect man, no person is.  Thank God for that.  He is in a better place than he has been in for a long time.  He is better off than you because he is willing.  You, “Casey” have not been willing.  Not willing for years if ever.

I am not asking you to change anything about yourself.  I am asking that you give yourself the opportunity to be a better person.  That’s all.

I should not be having to write this counseling for others as it is giving an allowance I cannot accept.  If you do not understand that. you do not have clearance.  I cannot help that.

David, the past happened.  I want to move on.  I wouldn’t have gone on dates and eHarmony if I wanted to wait for you to finally be honest with yourself and wait for you for the rest of my life.  I want to be happily in love with a man I find sexually viable not because he is the only option people have allowed for me.  I cannot accept that.  I know what it is to love with more than I am.  I cannot accept anything less.  I cannot settle because he lives closer.

David, I know you have broken up with numerous women because of me because you keep me in a place in your heart and mind that you think you have a right to, or don’t want to let go of.

I could go the rest of my life without talking to you ever again.  I have nothing to resolve between us.  I want to be able to move on.

Having to live like this.  Having to live by someone else’s plan and not my own will never heal anything.

I don’t have anything more to say to you than what has already happened.  You had no right to pretend date me.

I saw you at The Container Store after the dates, you should never have agreed to the two-party system.  I think it messed with your feelings and emotions more than you have allowed people to know.  Whether you really did want to hold me, kiss me, and love me for real will never happen anymore.

It is so beyond reproach for me being filmed.

I am not able to recall the looks on your face and allow that to live within me, or within my heart the way I once did before.

I cannot.

The closest I can explain is as if being married, having your husband cheat on you with your best friend who looked like she could have been a twin or a sister, cheat on me and lie about it for years and years.

I would divorce that husband.  I could not continue with a man who could deceive me for so long, and so willingly.

I believe you have been lied to by a lot of people.  By a lot of these women.  I believe they used you with malicious intentions.

This is not a new way of creating television shows.  It is cheating and deceiving people.

The moment I could, I would be gone from this and I would never return.

Let me get another job.  Let me move on.  Let it finally end.

Going on seven years without being able to have a home, a family, or a man in my house to share my life.  It’s gross.

Having to relive the same wounds, every single day, in front of an audience, year after year, is gross.

Because of how these men participated I would never go to them willingly after the show is over.  It has the worst effect possible.  It does the opposite.  The best I can describe that is thinking that a rape victim after filing charges, going to court, having the rapists go to jail, to think that the victim would then wait for her rapist after he was released from jail is insane.

It is the worst thing you could do to a person.  Cut them open, leave them to pretend isolation, take away their family and friends to watch them.  It’s gross.

Let me get another job then.  Let me move on.

These years are nothing more than psychological abuse done to me.

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