Declassified Files: A Series of True Events Being Brought to Light

I had been trying to involve myself, so that the Bluetooth could NOT take complete credit and control over my responses and interpretations.  However, things changed quickly once I started sharing this with my other computer.  I believe as a means to keep the REAL TRUTH from being told.

Smile Series: Thank You

June 18, 2017

Stan Lee – it was so brief there is not much to say.  He seemed surprised.  He is not his age either.

Ellen Page and friends – At the group job interview Jake made a comment that sort of put Ellen down.  He tried to play it off.  I stood up for her saying I didn’t appreciate the way he spoke to her.  Then, as everyone was leaving I went to her and made sure she was ok.  She said she was, and I believed she was fine.  So, I left.  I got nothing from that encounter, however from yesterday she was a bit of mischievous energy.  It’s not too bad or out of control.  What I didn’t have time to finish yesterday is that kind of energy and behavior is completely unacceptable at the workplace.

Thomas from HCC – Sorry, I don’t have more on this one, I can barely feel or see that memory anymore.

Keanu Reeves – I will always be a Keanu Reeves fan.  I wish they had never ruined this experience for me.  Did I enjoy 47 Ronin?  Yeah, and I am such a Keanu Reeves fan.  I am such a dope.  Dragon-Con?  Still a Keanu Reeves fan, but I will do what’s best for my gas situation.

BBC America

Jada Pinkett Smith – I believe we spoke at the airport about the weather.  I have no else to add to that.

Clouds – I wish there had never been a laundry tech to ruin my experience.  I believe those clouds are the most creative!  I just love them!  I can’t help myself.  I don’t look at them and think of babies.  I just think they are so amazing!  It must bother people to no end that there are clouds in the sky, but I could look at them all day if it wasn’t for the fact that I am working 7 days a week.

Sorry, Rebecca.  It works how it works.  I’m sorry I’m not always able to give attention or my eye when I’ve had such bad experiences.  But, I do appreciate your nurturing spirit.  It’s what I saw beyond the get up.  As always, I’m sorry people have to be up all night.

Rob Marshall – We’re having a hard time selling the pink ladies.  Calm, at ease, with something else underneath I can’t explain – curious maybe.

Robert Patinson – Gave me the FU bird which was meant in kindness as a greeting of fun, wonderful, and truthful sincerity.  I had been made miserable, so I was unable to respond or appreciate the moment.  Also, I believe he may have been in the garage below me.

Jake Gyllenhaal – It’s hard to go back so long.  It must have been hard to talk for so long about nothing.  He was working and not enjoying it a bit.

Declassified Files: A Series of True Events Being Brought to Light

An assignment I wrote in college, 10/30/2002

SwineZ

Walking in the wilderness

Along trees with lofty canopies

And stubbly twigs below,

I realized the lateness in the day

And the emptiness in my stomach.

Being a highly evolved fur-lined carnivore

Albeit with shiny white teeth that glimmer with glee,

I partake only of ground bound nutrition

And wash it down with a milky bean.

A cavity in the forest appears and a modest

Thicket house stands in the middle.

From the tiny cabin the smell

Of tofu sautéed and marinated

Dripping in juice

Grabbed my stomach

Which caused my mouth to salivate and drool.

In a sprint,

I rapped on the door

Bound and determined

Soy beans are mine.

Soy beans are mine.

Anticipation fueled my hunger

As I waited, not quite like Job, for someone

To let me inside for a smidgeon of Buddha’s Delight.

No one answered.

Nothing happened.

A flip from my stomach and immediate action

Was the only logical step.

I wondered aloud

Huff

Puff

Ba-low.

A small voice I heard

But ignored.

Evolution reversed upon itself

When my hunger could not be filled.

Huff

Puff

Ba-low.

A pile of dried grasses lay before me,

Swanson stood in the middle holding

The bon vivant of my ravenous desire.

With a pounce, the pot and swine dashed

Through the woods.

Quicksteps brought me to a twig-lined house,

Overflowing in bean curd glory.

Wince from acids, which form in my belly,

And my fascination.

Huff

Puff

Ba-low.

From the tips of my toes,

I hold to my dying strength.

Huff

Puff

Ba-low.

In the stubble of saplings,

Swanson cowered as Tyson

Held the succulents.

Closer I stood

Reaching for a morsel

Whoosh

Was all I heard.

Heavy paws carry me to a mortar-lined abode.

Drained of my former self,

I pound on the door.

Huff

Puff

Ba-low

Horizontal I stood,

And walking into a bright light.

I hear soft, hushed tones

Swanson, Tyson, and Jimmy Dean

Giggle out loud.

Soy beans are ours.

Soy beans are ours.

Declassified Files: A Series of True Events Being Brought to Light – Sarah’s Star

Since all of my files and paperwork has been searched through for years now, I thought I’d share this before it looks the other way around.  I wrote this in college 2002.  I have worked on several versions of this story.  I started writing a screenplay with this storyline, plus I also expanded the short story.  Neither of which I have fully written yet.  Parts of this story I am uncertain if they are truly my words or if a clever person who should not have been in my house changed some words…nonetheless.

Sarah’s Star 

There was a strange quietness in the street leading to her house.  Sarah had taken almost all back roads from the meadow where she had been amusing her friends with stories of monsters before dinner.  An alley with a hole in the fence between the butcher and the florist shop, where the butcher discards innards and juices, and the florist leaves empty boxes that were used to store delicate and fragrant flowers.  Sarah stepped carefully but quickly, she did not want her mother to yell at her for holding up dinner by having to wash up.

 

As she quickened her footsteps to her house, she became more aware of the absolute silence.  The lampposts seemed to loom over her and watched her as she walked.  The buildings on all sides grew taller and leaned forward onto the street.  The decorative wrought iron fence that enclosed the little square of Mrs. Petersen’s rose garden became a sea of sharp spikes.  She thought she heard a growl as she passed, but she was mistaken.  She could hear nothing.  She could feel no wind, and the late afternoon shadows began to play tricks on her.  She quickly rounded the corner to the backdoor of her house and flung the door open.

“I’m sorry if I’m late,” she had started her sentence when she noticed the dishes and bowls of uncooked vegetables and potatoes still on the counter.  The stove was still lit, and one burner had completely cooked the pot dry.

“The stove is on,” she yelled out as she turned off the gas.

It was just past dusk, and the house was too dark anymore to see without turning on the lights.  She couldn’t find the switch in the living room without fumbling and knocking over the few precious trinkets her mother liked to display for company.  She went upstairs thinking her family might be trying to surprise or trick her because she was always playing pranks on her family.

The first room at the top of the stairs belonged to her crazy, sick aunt, who had been staying with them for too long, and always kept her door closed.  But now, the door was not only open but also lying on the floor.  She didn’t need to count the number of broken and torn furnishings for the air itself had changed.  As she entered the ceiling seemed to close in on her and crush her lungs.  Images of her family, panic-stricken and attempting to escape while being brutally arrested and taken from their home flooded her mind.

Sarah grasped at her chest frantically searching, but she couldn’t feel it.  Where had it gone?  She felt the back of her neck and could feel the chain, then followed it downward until she could feel it.  She held it tightly and closed her eyes.  With a breath she opened her eyes and open the locket.  Looking at the portrait of her mother and father, tears that had been building got caught in her throat, taking a breath to calm herself she heard a noise.

Sarah looked frantically for somewhere to hide as she heard a car come screeching to a stop just outside her house.  Remembering her mother’s formal dress was stored in a hidden closet, she dove head first into the closet.  Her mother’s only good dress was housed in a framed garment bag that could hold two dresses.  Sarah unzipped the bag and climbed inside.  She was seventeen years old, but her slender, underdeveloped frame told her age closer to fourteen.  A she finished zipping up the bag, she heard someone smash the front door open.

“Auf machen! Auf machen! Schnell!  Schnell!”  She heard someone ordering.

She heard a handful of people in her house breaking dishes, and throwing furniture, yet through al the noise she heard a creak on the stairs.  The sound of well-polished boots making their way upward grew louder.  The strength in her legs left as her pounding heart flooded her ears in deafening bursts.  The smell of expensive American cigarettes slithered towards her nose almost gagging her and making it even more difficult to breathe inside the bag.

“There is no one downstairs, Captain.”  A young solider shouted from downstairs.

“We haven’t checked the upstairs.” In a gruesomely seductive tone he replied.

The Captain’s voice spoke of late night brandy, and packs of cigarettes washed down with scotch.  His deep voice was smooth as gravel.

“Captain there is no one here, you saw a shadow,” belted the young solider downstairs.

She could hear the well-polished boots suddenly stop, then slowly turn on the carpet.

“I am mistaken, am I?  Who else agrees that I am mistaken?”

Sarah could only hear silence, and she gripped tighter to the frame that housed her trying not to pass out.  Then she heard the cocking of a gun.  She closed her eyes tight and squeezed her lips closed to keep herself from screaming.  Beyond the booming of her heart, she could hear nothing.  Finally, with relief from the silence, she heard a bang and a loud thump.

“I smell starched white cotton and damp leather shoes that have been in fresh dirt.  And I am not mistaken, ever.”

Chills of disgust covered Sarah’s body as the Captain’s words penetrated her ears.

The well-polished boots resumed on the stairs.  Each step echoed throughout her body.  She could feel him walking, each step became louder.  Finally, she could feel his hot breath filling the small closet.

“Because their minds are so simple.”

Sarah heard footsteps of the other guards coming up the stairs.

“God made man first.  Women were made after man.  Do you know why?  Women were made to serve man in any way he desired.  If that wasn’t true he wouldn’t have made their skin so soft to touch.”

The Captain’s words slithered on Sarah’s skin, and she could feel bile rising at the back of her throat.  Then, from across the street Sarah heard a rifle shot, and a solider screaming in agony.  A second shot came from the rifle, and the solider stopped screaming.  She heard the Captain run to the window and commotion on the stairs.

“We have a sniper in the house across the street, everyone to the front of the house.  You and you, come with me to the back.”

The soldier’s scrambling was all Sarah could hear.  Then, shots were fired back and forth, and it sounded as though the sniper was picking off the soldier’s one by one.  Sarah could hear the soldier’s yelling in the street.  Then, a car started up with such a panic that it screeched on the pavement and sounded as though it burned the rubber off its tires, as it grew fainter from her ears.

Silence crept back into Sarah’s ears and it seemed even more deadly.  Unzipping the bag slowly, she tried to control her breath and her heart from panicking.  She grabbed a coat and boots and headed for the back door darting out the door and into the now darkness.  Creeping along the shadows, she slowly crawled backed into the hole in the fence.  Knowing there were woods beyond the meadow, she started to run towards the safety of the woods.

Faster and faster her feet moved.  Her mind was running just as quickly.  Only a few hours ago she was telling of fantastical realities and laughing about it, yet now she felt as empty, as the hollow truths she made up in her stories.  The scenery was no longer recognizable.  But, she heard water.  Stopping to take a good look around, she realized she heard a creek.

Sarah knelt to wash her face and hands.  She could see the moon in all its fullness in the reflection of the water.  The damp, cold night air was filling her lungs and chilled her.  Thankful for the coat now, even though it was cumbersome during the running.  She sat on a low tree limb and watched the water flowing over the rock bed in a continuous cycle with no end.  Trying to calm her frantic breathing, she closed her eyes.  Suddenly, someone covered her mouth from behind.

She tried to flee from the grasp, but it tightened.

If I take my hand away, you must promise to be quiet.  Are you going to be quiet, or do I have to report you?”  He said and slowly removed his hand.

“I though I was alone here,” she tried to say with courage.

“You are never alone in these black woods,” he said.

“I am sorry, I’ll leave now,” as she tried to run off, but his hand gripped her arm so tight she tried not to scream.

“Were you going somewhere?”

Just then her locket swung around her neck, as he twisted her back to face him.

“What’s this?”

“Please don’t,” she begged.

“It looks like real gold.”

“It’s the only thing I have left of my family.”

“What do you care about your family?”

“Please don’t take it.  Please.  I can’t even remember what clothes my parents wore today.  Please, at least met me have the pictures inside.”

“A blue floral print dress, navy slacks with a white shirt and a striped tie.”

Gasping for air, “What?”

“I came too late.”

“I’m sorry, I still don’t understand.”

“Follow me.”

Sarah was unsure of the stranger and felt trapped to follow him.  They started walking into the woods.

There is a small cabin near a watermill.  On top lies a weathervane with a star on top.  In that cabin, hidden in the attic, walls, and under the floor are a dozen people like yourself waiting for the train to Holland.” Henri explained.  After an hour, Sarah pleaded for a rest and he conceded.

They sat down on the dewy ground, leaning against a sturdy oak for support.

“I was in the cellar getting the canned beets my Mom wanted for dinner when I heard them,” Henri struggled.

“I locked myself in the cupboard behind the string beans and pickles.”

He continued talking, and she could just make out the fine features of his profile in the dark.  His hair was dark and wavy, and looked blue in the moon’s shade.

“I don’t know why God didn’t let them find me.”

Sarah noticed his face changing for a hardened man to a scared boy hiding in a cupboard.  She took his hand and stroked it gently.

“It’s been eight months,” he said.

“Do you have a rifle,” she asked.

“I used one today.”

“I didn’t know anyone was following me.”

“I saw you leave and followed you out the fence.  I thought you might know a quick way out of the city.  I was surprised when you headed the direction I was going.”

Henri looked down and Sarah had fallen asleep leaning against him.  “Okay,” he said as he closed his eyes.

“Wake up now!”  Henri shouted.

She opened her eyes so quickly that the sunlight blinded her for a minute.

“We have to leave now!  You have to get up and run now!”  Henri continued.

“What, I don’t understand,” was all she could blurt out.

“In the bushes on the other side of the creek, I spotted a couple of the Reich.  We must leave now.  We must run there as fast as possible the truck leaves at 8 o’clock this morning,” he said.

She jumped straight up and started running with as much speed as she could muster.  Henri was behind her, she hoped she was running south towards the peak, she still had a hard time seeing clearly.  Branches seemed to appear out of nowhere and slashing niches into her face.  Uncertain of the direction, once the sun started to filter through the trees she righted her direction.  After a half an hour of running, she saw the sunbeams.  She realized she had reached the star on the weathervane a top the cabin near the watermill.

“Wait until I am in the house, you go into the watermill and find Sonja.”

Henri with much speed darted into the house.  Then, she quickly sneaked into the watermill.  She looked around for signs of Sonja, but the watermill was deserted.  There was no one.

“Please step outside,” came a threatening and familiar voice from outside.

Her heart sank as she heard the steps of well-polished boots walking towards the door.

“I’ve been waiting for you,” he whispered.

Sarah stepped out of the watermill.

“I knew I could smell your dirty flesh.  A soulless animal like yourself could never outfox me,” snarled the Captain.

With that remark Sarah looked at the Captain and saw him for the first time.  His uniform was well fitted with sharp edges.  He stood much taller than her.  His hands and face were freshly washed smelling of woman’s perfume.  But, as she looked closer she could see the pores of his oily skin.

“What a tasty morsel, I think I shall eat her,” as the Captain smelled Sarah behind her ear.

She didn’t speak.

“I want to know where the base of your operation is.”  I know you are working with him,” he said.

She spoke nothing in return.

“Maybe I will let you live if you tell me the details of the operation,” he said smiling.

She did not answer.

“I know you aren’t capable of too much, girl!  But, I want to know what house is the base of your operation,” he insisted.

He grabbed her by her shirt and pulled her towards him, she could smell the lies as he spoke.

“I want to know now,” he growled.

He slapped her across the face and she was thrown to the ground by the force.  The star she had worn for so long on her breast was now lying in the dirt.  She slowly stood up and brushed the dirt away.  She lifted her head fixing her gaze on the Captain.

“Do you remember the house in town by the rose garden?  She said.

“Of course, I remember,” he snapped.

“I have been running people in and out of that house for months right under your nose,” she said calmly.

“Is that right,” he snarled.

“At least ten people are hiding in that house now.”

She could see his pride swell as he smiled.

“Please don’t hurt me.  I told you the truth.  If you hurry you might be able to round everyone in the house,” she pleaded trying to disguise her false sincerity.

His hand rested on his hipbone.

“What makes you think I would ever care about hurting someone as ugly as you,” he said.

A warm trickle fell down her cheek.  The ground hit her face so sharply, she thought she must have broken her jaw.

Henri saw the bloodthirsty Captain leave Sarah quickly.  His ego and pride allowed him to believe her lie.

Henri came rushing out of the house and held Sarah’s body.  He could see crimson bursts flowing over her star on the ground in a steady continuous stream.  The smell the gunpowder mixed with the sticky warm smell of her blood filled the air.  In the morning light, he could make out a bright star above the cabin.  Henri’s eyes were fixed on the star, he had never seen a star while the sun was out.

“Looking at the star Henri said, “We’ll name that Sarah’s star.  For it is shining even though it is daylight.  Just like you, Sarah.”

Declassified Files: A Series of True Events Being Brought to Light

If you haven’t noticed, I’ve stopped playing your game, and your rules.  If you haven’t noticed I am not worried or thinking about the days of the week.  But, then you never notice anything.

I want to retire from show-business.  I want to retire from employment that has forced, lied, manipulated, distorted truths, stolen years of my life, and kept me from having real love in my life.

Every single day I work.  Every single day.  Every moment of my awake life is work.  While I am sleeping I am still working and being worked upon.  Not a single person in the entire world lives or works in this way.

I want to retire for good.

You had to make it sexual.  You had to make it about men and women.  You had to make it about having to fight to prove my sexuality.  How fucking dare you.  How many people have died at the hands of persecution, injustice, prejudice, and hatred because of their sexuality.  Which is why there are laws in place to protect all persons from being harassed and violated.  However, I have been the subject of reverse prejudice because I was born straight, and not for a moment have I ever been even a tiny bit gay.

You had to make it sexual instead of it being about the art.  Letting the art exist up there on the screen and on the stage where it belongs.

Often I have wondered about my Morning Star products that I used to buy and was the only one in the house – typically – to eat them.  Is it possible to ingest a chemical or something which would induce bleeding?  Which would make a person anemic.  Because while caring for my mother I ignored my periods that lasted three weeks or longer.  My long-time family doctor has come under my suspicion since the last time I went for a doctor’s visit to try to get away from all the air-spraying that goes on beyond my control.  Keri Russell played the part of my doctor for part of the time.  Can you possibly imagine what a violation of privacy – not to mention laws protecting doctors and patients – it is to speak about wrongs being done to you only to have another facade and actor keeping you from receiving help?!

There are laws in place.

Also, it is not possible to be allergic to women which is something that started with Alfredo and Rick at TCS.  Being born straight is not the same as being allergic to women.

So, I’ve arrived at the conclusion that if my doctor is capable of lying about that visit, she is capable of lying about anything.  Including the fact that I need a hysterectomy.  For what reason would someone want to deprive me of being able to procreate and reproduce?  Why would someone sterilize and castrate me?

Why would someone place tracking devices, recording devices, and other hi-tech equipment into my body?

Why would a dentist give me so much Novocaine I was frozen and numb for 14 hours?  Why was my dentist at Smile Wright replaced?  Why was I given instead of a root canal a chip or receiver in my tooth, so that my thoughts could be read?

I am so ashamed at humanity, and human kind to do this to one of God’s creatures, me.

While living in PC the X-box and TiVo, I believe had been hacked into and camera and/or recording devices placed in them.  To watch me.

I have no idea why anyone would do this to me.

Please do me a favor and stop feigning that this is all about love.  I know and have known there is not a man who would wait and abstain from all emotional and physical relationships with women while this forced captivity is taking place upon me.

You have emotionally starved me to death.

I am so devastated by the betrayals, by the truth that had once been between David and I lost and gone forever, by all the disguises that are not in any way clever, by the humiliations that you will never be able to heal.

An actress does not make $12 an hour.

There once was a woman named Cherith, and she lived.  But, she is no longer.

I miss being able to work out the way I want to.  I miss being able to cook, prepare food, and eat the way I want to.  I miss being able to be a part of the world, and not locked away in forced isolation.

It taints everything.

And, I know what I look like anymore.  I used to be pretty.  I used to be the pretty I liked to see in myself.

No one understands the stress I feel.  Taking a shower or a bath, I am constantly saying to myself, now what is going to happen?  I wake up and say to myself, now what is going to happen?  I drive and say to myself, now what is going to happen?  Everywhere I go I am constantly having to look over my shoulder.  It is a constant strain, now what is going to happen?

Can you possibly imagine six years without a home of any kind?  Or a foundation?  Or roots?  This place is not a home, but a set.  Can you imagine living in a set for six years?  Every other reality show only lasts for a few months.  Big Brother is only for a few months at a time, not years.

I was originally made to understand that this would only be a year or two which has now turned into four years.

I do not believe anyone enjoys or believes in my singing which I do around the house just goofing off.  If someone heard my singing and believed it was good, they would have stepped forward out of the woodwork and offered me a contract and deal.  They would have told me.  They would have admitted to listening to me, and told me to I was good enough to be recorded, in a studio, and offered me a contract without the bull-shit coded talk of these years.

A lot has been mentioned about me not drinking when I write.  I want to clear this up.  I wrote about it before only to show and prove that I do not have to enter a chemically altered state in order to be creative, or write.  It already exists in me.  Without inducements.  It has been taken greatly out of context.

While working at TCS, I should have gotten the truck promotion.  I should have been hired as the sales trainer.  My point being there isn’t any reason why I was only hourly.  Meeting with Christina from Miami for the promotion, am I supposed to believe that was a celebrity?  Am I supposed to believe that was Angelina Jolie?  Because as I told Eric on our date afterwards I thought it went well.  I was “coached” to be pushy, take over, and make sure I was noticed.  However, the feedback I got was that “Sally” who always looked like a linebacker to me.  “Sally” who I’ve said before I thought was James Franco was probably Dave Franco, “Rick” was James Franco.  Just not always.  Yuck!  It just makes me sick!

When “Erin” got the truck promotion she called to invite me to The Seminole Hard Rock, since I was always looking for a way out of these four walls I agreed to go.  However, I called Rachel and asked her to go with me because I was a little creeped out.  Turns out it was a good instinct because Erin invited all her lesbian friends.  It was a set-up.

Unfortunately for me, one great lesson I’ve learned from all of this is that it is not possible for this straight woman to be friends with a lesbian.  Never in a million years would I have believed this scenario still takes place in this day and age.  However, that is what they proved to me through all of this.

I find it disgusting, disheartening, appalling, and a down right shame that that is the lesson I had to be taught.

Harrison at TCS, they wanted him to work at TCS.  He was one of “Erin’s” cronies.  I am not drawn – for lack of a better word – to men who are feminine.  I made the comment that I thought he was gay.  It is and was not a judgement.  However, no one but David Wolfe probably understood the amount of fire I held within me.  Due to the screaming matches we held against each other.

Stuart Shapiro is a good example.  I loved Stuart dearly.  There isn’t anything I wouldn’t have done for him.  We celebrated Christmas at my house one time, he told me he thought my singing to There can Be Miracles had an extra special quality to it.  We laughed all night long into the early morning hours.  Laughed hysterical, unending-can’t-stop-myself-from-laughing laughter over toasted cheese sandwiches, and something about batteries.  However, the thought of kissing him…no.  It was not that kind of love.  I still love Stuart.  I still remember the Christmas present he gave me.

I shouldn’t have to prove or tell anyone about the kind of men I like.

Wouldn’t it have been better to allow me to just meet these men rather than placing disguises on them?  I can only believe it was designed for me to never meet, or fall in love.  It was all used to make fun of me and nothing more.

Every day its like no time off at all.

Continue reading “Declassified Files: A Series of True Events Being Brought to Light”

Declassified Files: A Series of True Events Being Brought to Light

I would like someone to explain to me how this can happen.  How it possible for this to happen to anyone.  At the moment I am unable to finish that line of thinking.

I miss daylight.  I miss being up with the sun and sleeping at night.  I miss being able to be outside.  I miss being able to go running outside.  I miss being able to have friends.  I would say I miss dating, but none of those dates were real, or memorable, or exciting, or real romance.  Yet, at the moment I want nothing more than rest, and leave the world behind.

I could go on for an eternity describing and sharing all of the celebrity sightings which I still to this day do not understand why they’ve been placed in front of me.

What I see anymore are people who are doing work they want to do.  I will have to address the rest of that thought another time.

At the moment I am stomach sick.  It is the only way to describe it.

I will have to rewrite my literary journey again since it is gone from my last blog.  It would flood these previous years, and cast new light on previously held perceptions.  Not every person has God moments.  Not every person can see, feel, and understand a writer just from reading their work.  Not every person sees the world not as it is, but what is beyond, what it can be, what it should be, and what is yet to be.

Let me explain something.  I went over this in my previous blog.  Climbing Fences.  There was a story told often to me.  My brother was like Dennis the Menace being able to roam about the neighborhood without getting dirty, or like he had gone anywhere at all.  I wanted to go where my brother went.  I wanted to be with the boys.  I was not a doll-playing girl.  I wanted to know and be with the boys.  What are they doing?  Where are they going?  How are they doing that?  And, so on.

The story is, I went following after my brother only to return home quickly with splinters covering my hands.  I wasn’t able to climb the fence.  I must have been more than a sight since it was retold to me so often.

I wanted to know what was on the other side.  It is a state of mind that has never left me.  I want to know.  I want to know everything I can before I no longer am able.  What’s wrong with that?

New Orleans, LA: I was hungry.  Imagine that.  I could not decide which restaurant to eat at.  I sat down at the bar of the small restaurant I chose.  Red-headed man behind the bar looked to his left as he was describing the specials saying, I’m a little busy.  A gay-pride flag on the wall, so I moved to a table.  No offense.  I shouldn’t have to live like this.  I honestly, have no idea what that would have meant at all.  Since, it does not enter my equation at all.  He spoke quickly and the fried soft-shelled crab sandwich is what I remember.  I did not order it.  The idea of eating shell did not appeal to me.

Excuse me, I have such indigestion it’s embarrassing.  I cannot begin to describe how bad I feel at the moment.  My brain is fading quickly.  This bad food because of my driving route is killing my brain power, not to mention the pressure washing bringing me down, and depressing me.

I stopped for gas on my way to New Orleans in 2015.  A bright, smiling, serene man was just standing on the corner who looked like Steven Spielberg.

CJ’s Sandwich shop: Jude Law behind me at checkout.  Also, at Disney near the front lobby area.

A few days off feel like nothing at all.

Declassified Files: A Series of True Events Being Brought to Light

02/02/2018

19:14

Answering the phone while working at Home Depot walking down the aisle of door locks I listened to a voice who told me without saying the actual words that he wanted me to go back to K-Mart.

Perplexed.

I was in desperate need of clothing at the time.  I had less than a handful of clothing items to wear.  To this day I do not understand the reasoning behind it.  To this day I do not understand why Adam Levine would call me at my employment, disguise his voice, and then ask me in no uncertain terms was I to have or wear the jeans I purchased at K-Mart with his logo on them.

I did what I was told to do.

Interesting note, The New York Times: I read about Maroon 5 – playing in art houses and galleries trying to get noticed before they were Maroon 5 – in the New York Times which I used to have delivered in PC.  I wanted to know and read about what was going on in the world beyond the corners of my small town.  I used to take the paper with me to the chiropractor’s office.

Also, I read about Jim Baker’s son starting a church full of non-stereotypical Christians wearing tattoos, piercings, with punk hair and clothing.  I met Jim Baker’s son when I was working at WORSHIP.

While working on the Obama campaign I attended an event as staff, Republicans For Obama, at Sun City Center.  There were reporters covering the event.  I woman with a made up name for Creative Loafing, and a man.  John Cock-something-or-other for The Tampa Tribune.  He was a real reporter, staring at me with dubious eyes.  She was a fraud playing a part.

As all my paperwork and computers have been gone through any person could have done the work and placed the pieces together.

I have done for years now, what I was told to do.  Since, I have been made to feel and believe that others and the world believe that I am a bad person, immoral, and a pervert.  I have continually with exceptional effort gone out of my way to prove I am not the person they project on to me.  My voice, my choice, my rights have been taken away from me.

I did what I was told to do.  For years.  And, I have been treated to cruelty, punishments, forced masturbation’s, sickness, and a total lack of privacy.

The forced masturbation’s are nothing more than a prostitution ring.  Random men, or random persons – for I am not able to SEE the other person viewing me naked, watching me masturbate, taking a shower, going to the toilet, walking around my house, driving, or any other mundane activity.

Can you imagine your own daughter being treated to cloaked, invisible, and disguised men watching your naked daughter?  Can you imagine your own daughter being watched by random men as she is bathing herself?  Can you imagine your own daughter being pushed and forced into masturbating in front of random men?  Can you imagine your own daughter being locked, confined, forced against her will into a sex ring?

What if it was a female co-worker?  Or young girl?  Or a female teen-ager?  Or neighbor down the street?  Or the cashier that helped you in a store?  Or a woman you saw walking down a street?  Or a woman you saw driving down the road?

Would it be acceptable to you if it happened to any of these women?

So, why is it acceptable for it to happen to me?

I did what I was told to do.

Again, I repeat.  I have no idea who is on the other side of my vision, or glass.  I am not able to see the other person.  It could be anyone for all I know.  Words spoken mean nothing because it cannot be proven who is on the other side.

Is there a log book kept of entry and exit?  Is there a time stamp?  Is there documentation of any sort on the other side other than myself telling the world – this exists.

I did what I was told to do.

So, I went to see a movie.  After only two hours of sleep, I was not able to do everything on the check list, and get to the movie when I wanted to.  I missed a lot.  What I did do specifically was wear a t-shit that reads, No Means No in black and white for all the world to read and see.  I chose black and white because I should be the only person to decide what man I want in my bed.

Again, I repeat – I am not “Erin’s” daughter.

I specifically wore my Nike shoes because it was David Wolfe disguised as Alfredo Cruz at TCS holding the green crunch can excitedly pleading me with his eyes.  Which is why I also wore my David jeans.

I did what I was told to do.

I have looked when told to.  I have returned items when told to.  I have driven when told to.  I have gone places when told to.  I have bought things when told to.  I have purchased things when told to.  I have masturbated when told to.

ENOUGH!

The whole reason ANY of this is going on now is because of ME!

My brother’s KIA that I used to drive my mother in every day singing as I went to relieve the stress and take me away from the confines of my life had hidden microphones in it just like my vehicle now.  They created that collision, so that I would be a slave to my car payment.  Because I was free and clear in my Toyota.

I did what I was told to do.

I saw Vanessa Redgrave behind me while listening to the radio and singing along to the music, so I could get some energy out.  Are the lyrics an exact reflection of my mind, thoughts, and beliefs?  No.  They are not.  They are someone else’s lyrics.  Five Finger Death Punch, singing about washing it all away.  I sang along, and I was punished, and treated to a vicious attack on my hands, body, and mind.  My faucets in my own home.  The filters in my faucets were treated to viruses is the best way I can describe it, so that my hands were covered with painful, prickly sores.  So, when I brushed my teeth, my toothbrush, my mouth was also infested from the inside out.  Because I dared to choose and turn at red.  My red.  My red which the Bluetooth knows and is aware of – is David.

There you are, echoing in my head after the visual.

I did and have done what I’ve been told to do.

So, I wore those shoes in protest to the virus attack and event which robbed me of my creativity, my humanity, my hands, my health, and the time it took to heal.

All because I dared to use my eyes.  All because I sang along to a song.

So, just like in A Few Good Men, I wore my shoes in protest to bring justice to what should never have taken place to begin with.

Also, I am the ONLY one who spends every day off and free time – WORKING.  For free.

20:17

edited: I woke up at 18:30, made my breakfast.  Yet have not been able to eat it – working.

20:55

 

Declassified Files: A Series of True Events Being Brought to Light

July 6, 2017

To Jeremy Renner

Flip-flops,

First let me say this: this is me speaking to you directly.  What I will write here is not to be taken literally and used in my place.  I will be speaking to you here for your understanding since I have heard in my head which I believed was Jeremy Renner’s voice that there are things he did not understand, nor was he aware of everything that has gone on and been done.  Also, I need you to understand where I am coming from, who I am at the moment, and how past events have caused me to do certain behaviors.

I addressed this to Jeremy Renner because I am not afraid of speaking to you as a person as I was not afraid to approach you and start a conversation about nothing at that rest area.  I’ve called you Flip-flops in part because you were wearing them and I have a habit of giving people nicknames.  However, I did not call you Flip-flops as some code, or coded message.  It is just a nick name.  Understand this: I will not be writing or speaking here in anyway as any code, double meaning, or secret form of communication.  I simply cannot live my life trying to keep that up.  Plus, it takes too much time and there is a great deal (again, not a code – just a word) I need to share with you.  This computer is not the place for any sign or signal unless I communicate it specifically otherwise.

Waking up today again I feel as if a very heavy medicine ball is stuck in my gut, and generally heavy and lifeless.  This should tell you there is a problem when at the drop of a dime I can fall asleep immediately and for hours, then barely manage to get out of bed and wake-up.  I have been living at such a high volume for so many years now the toll it has taken on my body and my mind is tremendous.  I cannot continue the way everything has been set-up previously.

Due to the events that took control over my hands and faucet, I have been sent into an even greater depression.  It has caused me to cease my writings of any kind other than to you mostly because I do not have a choice given the circumstances at      .  At this point, I am so depressed, tired, bloated, and weary I do not have a time line where I feel I might continue.  For me, this has been one of the greatest problems – my inability to have control over my own involvement.

Can you possibly imagine how difficult it is to think, and speak in your head, and do a task, while looking around, processing what you see, store it in your head because you cannot think on it at the time, find the ones who are different from the others, see past the disguise, know when it the real person in a disguise, and when it is the proxy, oh yeah, all the while appearing normal as if none of it is taking place?  I am not even sure that is everything I do in a single second.  Plus, have a regular everyday life?  Can you imagine the toll it takes on the body to be at such a high level of awareness every minute of every day?

Can you imagine how depressing it is to discover that they entered my home without my permission took inventory of my outfits, planted germs on my clothing, and I’m not even sure that is everything that occurred?

Do you know that when I got home from work July 4th morning from my Monday shift I sat on my stairs to take off my shoes, then curled into a fetal position and fell asleep for about 15 minutes.  Too tired to even move further.  This is not the first time that has happened to me since all of this started.  I’ve even come home from work taken a shower – to wash off work – and went straight to bed without eating or drinking or drying my hair even.  That kind of exhaustion is more than a hard or difficult job.  To me, that speaks volumes.  People have been aware that I have and are that depleted and exhausted.

I started punching          at the creative           so that I could have creative control.  FYI, it only makes sense for lunch                        t.  In this way, I hope this will allow for no Master of any kind, thus allow me variety in so many things including being able to drink out of whichever container I choose.

Since, so much of this is based upon what I have witnessed, seen, and experienced I feel I need to share.

  • Do you know that I knew something was wrong on my first day at TCS when I saw and met Jamie? It was a red-flag for me and I knew something was wrong.
  • Do you know I was suspicious when the interview and onboarding for TCS was held at a hotel?
  • Do you know when Bill started working at TCS said he was an artist, etc, and touched me on my arm somewhere I was immediately creeped out? I thought he was gay – no judgement – but, thoroughly grossed and creeped out.
  • Do you know that I knew I was speaking to Jada Pinkett-Smith as a TSA person at the about the weather?
  • Do you know I knew it was Jeff Daniels at Home Depot as he tried to hand me something I saw in him such deep kindness it was beautiful?
  • Do you know that I knew that was David with the chain around his neck standing by the Super 8 Motel in Canada?
  • Do you know I knew it was David walking past me on the airplane wearing a slight moustache and walking with an early teen-ager wearing a pink t-shirt?
  • Do you know I knew that was Hugo Weaving I saw in front of          and saw the loveliness of him in a moment?
  • Do you know I knew it was James/Rick sitting down laughing at me when he said I guess we have to find a new hip replacement? And, yes that Edison person was never valid.
  • Do you know the devastation it caused upon learning the deception of dating Edison caused? When it occurred to me, when I discovered the reason why everything about that experience was so wrong, do you know I literally died, and no longer was I able to be the Cherith I was before.
  • Do you know that because of that dating experience, because of that year of dating experiences I will never be able to feel the same way about David Wolfe again, that I never want to have anything to do with James Franco again, that I never wish to see or know anything about Adrian Grenier ever again?!
  • Do you know that because of the Edison experience my heart literally stopped breathing?
  • Do you know the horrification of the Edison experience turned the light off that used to glow within me?
  • Do you know I knew that it was Rob Drydek as Marvin who was laughing at me at TCS saying how ridiculous it was that I believed TCS was not a real store?
  • Do you know I knew it was Edison as Marvin talking about Guardians of the Galaxy – which is why I never wanted to see the movie?
  • Do you know I knew it was Keanu Reeves I spoke with on the phone at TCS about designing an office for his family and kids?
  • Do you know I knew it was Keanu Reeves as Alfredo when I told him what a Keanu Reeves fan I was in reference to 47 Ronin?
  • Do you know I knew it was David Wolfe with Courtney at Applebee’s which is why I walked out and didn’t approach him?
  • Do you know I knew I was speaking with David Wolfe on the phone at Disney about Isaiah Washington and the Old Spice commercial?
  • Do you know I believed I was speaking with Dustin Hoffman at Brandon mall in front of the candy store and he told me I killed it on the walkway?
  • Do you know I knew it was Eddie Murphy laughing at me while I ordered French fries at Alfredo’s?
  • Do you know I will always love those clouds? I cannot believe how they do it.  I love the texture and the colors and the beautiful shapes.
  • Do you know I think it is completely unfair to not allow me to get another   ?
  • Do you know I believe David Wolfe was used as bait to get me to       ?
  • Do you know I believe it is unfair to trick and manipulate my food? Do you know I believe it is unfair that I do not get to have control over my own life?
  • Do you know I believe it is unfair to allow this fake reality to not come to an end when I want it to end and never wanted it to begin with?
  • Do you know all I wanted to do after placing my mother in a nursing home was start a new chapter of my life? I wanted to do nothing more than write if nothing more than a way to process the years of my life, the stress, the grief, the past terrible men who proclaimed love for me only to abuse me.  However, once here I could not understand why all of a sudden, I was afraid of being locked out of my home.  Why all of a sudden, I could no longer write or even feel comfortable in my own home?  As if the very walls conspired against me every day.
  • Do you know, I was aware of the camera being placed in my dash when I went to Firestone to fix the nail (or something) in my tire?
  • Do you know I believe it is unfair that I am not able to use my coffee maker because anytime I’ve purchased coffee filter’s they have been doped and drugged? Perhaps as a way of forcing me to purchase a permanent coffee filter instead.
  • Do you know I believe it is unfair to manipulate me into purchases by playing tricks on me?
  • Do you know that because of all the pressure washer and tricks, pranks, and problems to figure out I am unable to take care of myself and it keeps me in constant depression?
  • Do you know that if my brother had only listened to me he would be in a better place employment-wise, financially, and emotionally? He had job offers from San Diego State University and University of Birmingham Tuscaloosa after graduating with his Ph. D.  San Diego wanted him to teach more classes and less time for writing.  U of A wanted him to write to get published and offered less classes to teach.  He chose U of A.  However, once he got to Alabama he became depressed and discovered that writing was not what he wanted to do, he enjoyed teaching more.  And, my brother is a good teacher.  He is one of those teacher’s that students enjoy.  Do you know how rare that is to be a teacher your students like?  Had he gone to San Diego he would still be employed, I believe (U of A did not renew his contract), he would have real estate that would have increased in value many times over.  This is just an example of why men should listen to me more.
  • Do you know Reg was one of my favorite teacher’s? He is the one I spoke with about David Wolfe.  How when David went away to FSU I no longer enjoyed going and being involved with HCC.
  • Do you know I do not pray any more since discovering my brain in shared and invaded upon? I am no longer able to speak to God directly and that middle man is always in the way.
  • Do you know I have often suspected who the doctor/nurse (James Franco) was that I spoke with before my surgery? Char was extremely anxious and unusual given the circumstance.  He said something to me that stuck out.  He said I must not have a job when finding out that I worked-out six days a week.
  • Do you know on the way to Moffitt I saw David Wolfe riding a motorcycle in the opposite direction? An African-American man behind the wheel of an orange Dodge with an Obama sticker driving in front of me.
  • Do you know I would love to be able to tell someone all the times I’ve been drugged? Tammy drugged me, “Erin” drugged me, James Franco delivered doped alcohol, at the bar in Key West, I’m not sure who drugged me at a Beer and Bourbon fest I went to in Tampa.
  • Do you know I believe it is unfair that all these years I am not able to make or create any new memories, meet any new people, or lead my own life, and move on from everything?
  • Do you know the reason I displayed my pile of bills and how-to bankruptcy was because I thought it was so unfair to take advantage of me given my financial situation? I wanted people to know I was broke as hell.  I wanted people to know I was so very unhappy with being watched at my home.
  • Do you know I cannot believe Disney allowed themselves to become involved with what happened at my employment there the second time around?
  • Do you know the reason I covered up my radio was due to the last embarrassment and humiliation? I covered up the camera in the radio to make a point about my complete hurt and disappointment in being made a laughingstock.
  • Do you know I fell in love (artistically speaking) with the purchase of my first Apple shuffle?
  • Do you I wouldn’t care if this fake reality all ended tomorrow?
  • Do you know that more than acting, writing, directing, singing, or anything else I just want my life back?
  • Do you know that with all this buying and returning nonsense it has kept me from being able to live, it has kept me in depression, not allowed me to move on in my life, not allowed me to be alive in any way, it has not allowed me to plan my life, have goals, or make plans for the future?
  • Do you have any idea how hard and stressful that 10       is?
  • Do you know that I believe I will live in Ireland someday?
  • Do you know I would love to live in Paris or France sometime?
  • Do you know David Wolfe used to call me while I was working at Disney and talk to me about movies?
  • Do you know I will always regret giving Creggan my cats thinking he was going to take care of them?
  • Do you know it is a stab in the heart every time I see the image of me putting them in their crates?
  • Do you know I believe I should not have ever allowed Creggan to take guardianship of my mother since I know now how I’ve been deceived by him?
  • Do you know I have never been able to grieve – even now – for my mother?
  • Do you know I miss my house every day?
  • Do you know how much I miss my freedom of choice?
  • Do you know that because of the faucets problem I don’t know if I can ever use the faucets again?
  • Do you have any idea what is like for me to have people hurt me like they did with my hands and not be able to say anything to anyone or to even be ALLOWED to be upset about it?!!!!!!!
  • Do you know the only reason I called my savings account nest is because that is what a retirement is supposed to be?

 

Do you know I could go on for years about all the, do you know’s?

I would love to be able to continue writing to you about Thank-you’s for those I see, but just like at TCS – perhaps it is the Cat’s fault, I don’t know for certain who if it is even just one person to place the blame – my writing is taken away from me.  It literally destroys a part of my soul to have tricks played on me, no exaggeration.  When I stopped my blog at TCS I literally stopped expanding my mind.  Instead of becoming smarter and wiser over the years, I have become dumber not wiser.

I know, my employment at       started out as a series about Twilight between Edward/James and Jacob/David.  For me, this storyline played itself out years ago.  The only reason I kept reading Twilight while employed at Disney was because I wanted the privacy of my brain back.

The water fountain purchase – I used to have the exact same water fountain before I moved here.  I purchased it again only because it is easier.

The black and white t-shirt I purchased is not a slight against Mr. Jeremy Renner even though he did steer me toward the green steps that have caused me a great deal of humiliation.  I purchased the t-shirt in the color because people have ruined my life by taking away my freedom of choice, by turning my world of seeing beautiful, positive things about and for people and turning into a matter of black and white, of fat and skinny, of non-color, of such horrible humiliation.  I care nothing for Adrian Grenier.  My purchase was not in any way for Mexico.  Quite frankly, I find the literal translation of my groceries and purchases to be small-thinking.  I find it to be a lack of creative thinking.

Jerry’s bar –  for clarification the reason I painted the wall was just to see how it would look, however I do not like the finish on the wall or for a wall.  When I have a chance, I will change it.

It is better for me when there are no cars parked in driveways.

Please fire Ben Q end of discussion!

I have been screaming for years that it was never that Cat which I sometimes wondered if it wasn’t a man dressed as a woman, or Edison.  Not ever!!  I was so relieved when Edison left my life!  The best thing I heard in my head for a while now was hearing, say good-bye.  Seeing Jeremy Renner disguised as an overweight black man telling me in my head to say good-bye to the person in front of me which was the same Cat/Edison creepy person repeated over and over.  I have been doing nothing but trying to get away from him.  I have been saying it for years!!!!  No one listens to me.

I had to start using      because of the tv cameras in front of the stores, and I was air-forced out of them.  It has been such a time saver in that driving is such a burden it is a different kind of pressure and stress.  However, having to figure what food is bad and being treated as a guinea pig is torture.  Unfortunately, that was happening even when I went into the stores to purchase food.  I want creative control over my purchases.  There is an abuse that happens with          .

When I am placed in front of televisions it has caused weight gain, it has opened my home to the world – which I have never wanted, it has been a form of control.  Which is why I go to great lengths to avoid televisions at all costs.  I simply can’t do that anymore.

I understand it is being asked of me to watch the Spider-man movie, however I am so hurt, appalled, humiliated by James Franco and every virtual experience that has occurred with him, with every meeting and memory that has happened upon moral grounds I refuse to watch the movie.  I want nothing further to do with James Franco.  I am tired of repeating myself on this point.  My anger comes in part from feeling molested by women and being visually assaulted by them.  It also comes from having a teacher I never wanted, asked for, wanted to be a part of in any way.  I never wish to see him ever again.  I never wish to speak to him ever again.  He owes me a world of apologies, but I do not want to see or hear from him ever again.  This is not a laughing matter to me.  I am quite serious.  My opinion has not wavered I have only become more resolute in my complete desire for separation in every way from him.

Declassified Files: A Series of True Events Being Brought to Light

Dated 02/23/2016

I am unable unlike every other person in the world to go to a grocery store because when go to the grocery store, then people around me talk outloud trying to get me to purchase one product vs. another as and before I reach for a product.  Even if there was an end, and I got my life back how is it that this would not continue.  Was is to stop any ordinary person from repeating what they have seen on tv or youtube?  Especially when it concerns me.

Eating sausage and fries washing it down with a coke, I am reminded of my circumstances that I am living with and under.

When I started to understand not everything at The Container Store was right.

And, let me say this before I continue.  When I first started to work at The Container Store and saw all the camera’s in the ceiling it felt like being “on” when I was there.  I guess that is why I preferred being in elfa because I felt like that was where all the attention (for lack of a better way of saying that) was at.

Well, when I started to understand it was not right the pretense lost itself on me.  I kept looking around at different people like Alfredo, or Cleveland, or Sally and wondered why they were in disguise.

However, when I started to listen to this coded messages I believed that I was going to be taken care of (for lack of a better way of saying that).  I believed in what people were saying.  I believed in what people were doing were a benefit to me, for me.  I believed I was going to be provided for in a sense that I believed I wasn’t going to suffer the way I have lived the last year plus.

That car accident took something from me I cannot get back.

Because I believed.

Then, to have such catastrophic devastation – it took so much from me – leaving me still in shock.  Shell shock still.

I will not be the same again.  The pieces of me will not be able to go back again.

I did not and even still understand that the purpose was for others to keep me away from what it was I wanted or needed even if it is buying groceries so I can eat.

Had I not believed I would not still be here in this house and in this state.

I feel like I am constantly repeating myself with this information, however I must keep repeating this information because it continues to happen to me.

Even when I think I have done all I could, should, or need to do there are still characters and choices that I believed were already out of my life.

Declassified Files: A Series of True Events Being Brought to Light

02/02/2018

I hate to be smarter than those around me…nope, nope, no I don’t.  I am not waiting until my key is in the ignition to show you the difference my head makes.  I am simply working against a much larger, greater work force in size, and a greater budget.  I do not have super powers that enable me to work through work loads of months and months, and years and years in a matter of less than a day.

Plus, I was made violently ill yesterday morning.  I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital.  But, I would have been too sick to call 911, and the best part is no one would have even known I had passed.

BTW, Happy Birthday Tommy…I mean, Jim Carrey.

Enough about me, whoops…sorry, I almost ran you over at the conference table Stan Lee, AFLAC.  You are much younger than your age.  Who has an interview with a blonde Jake Gyllenhaal and Ellen Page?  Me.

I have been saying this over and over in my head, no one can understand what it feels like to have company or guests 365/24/7 which is what this experience is like.  It not only feels like I have company that I have to cater to, speak to, and share things with, but that literally are sitting on my head, feet on my shoulders, crushing my brain, and draining me of every bit.

Can you imagine having to live with company every day, every moment, year after year?  I doubt you can.

Also, the rumor that James Franco and I ever dated is a hoax.  It is a made up lie.  He was never here.  He was never in the room.  And, I absolutely could…wipe the floor with him.  I am not intimidated for a moment.

So, Joe Bonamassa, thanks for the relief from the pain it will pay off down the road, another day.  Second intro’s or meets can be somewhat ordinary, but not to stress.  I will not take it to heart as I did the other day.

I could go on and on every day eight hours a day for years and barely scratch the surface of these last few years.  Let alone all the memories of the life that brought you all to me to begin with.

However, yet again, every week is the same thing.  I have one day where I am up all night, all day, and all night again.  To keep me from working.  Not to mention the kind of stress it places on my body and my mind which I know everyone believes is indestructible.  Everyone acts as though it is not delicate grey matter that could be forever damaged with no return.  Which is why in my trying to understand why I have been placed here in this exact same surroundings and situation as I was in Plant City (PC).  The only exception being that home was my own, but the surroundings were exactly the same as here.  I mean I have been here going on six years now, and I have not one memento, memory, or homey detail that I didn’t already bring with me here.  That says a great deal right there.  This house has not been lived in because it is not a house, nor is there a future in it.  So, in trying to understand why someone would force me into utter forever loneliness without friends, my family, or a real man who actually loves me and touches me, I said to myself, they must have found an illness of some sort.  There has to be an explanation as to why it is impossible for me to be in the real world like every one else.  For I do not see a truthful reason for any of these lost years of my life.

For me, I am still staring out the second story of the hospital windows waiting for my life to begin.