Category: Uncategorized

Trying To Hold On

 

There are worse things in life than having cared deeply for a man once and still remember him for what he inspired in you and remember that goodness in times of grief and pain.  It is certainly not a crime to remember a man, remember him well, and wish nothing but his great happiness – always.

It is called having a heart wanting to use that heart correctly with purpose and meaning.

There are worse things in life than not only waiting but demanding for not just any random Joe, but a man who will love me straight and true.  Take me in his arms, make me feel special and loved, more importantly waiting for the man who will inspire and hold me, be my tethering point above any other man.  Call me old-fashioned but he will have to find me and not the other way around.

I have been so badly treated, misjudged, hurt and harmed for sport, misrepresented, and mischaracterized.  If it has not happened in truth I have been made to feel as though all of the above has occurred.

Since moving here nearly four years ago, I have never felt more alone, seperate and seperated from the rest of the world, and more un-like myself.  This is not my home in any way.

So tired of this false reality around me.

 

Keeping The Record – Straight

When a man touches, violates, harms, or invades any personal space through the air or any other form on a woman without permission that is called – RAPE!

When a woman touches, violates, harms, or invades any personal space through the air or any other form on a woman without permission that is called – RAPE!

It can only be called pleasure if it is consensual – if it is NOT that is called – RAPE!

Ending

Today feels wrong or bad somehow.  I can’t explain it.

All things come to an end eventually, right?

A story begins, a situation begins, a job begins, a circumstance begins, but it all must end some day.

I need it to end.  I need an end so bad – it is literally killing me.

The demands upon me that no one can see are unbearably great.

I need an end.

By the way, does anyone want a cat?  I’m going to have to give him away since he’s developed behavioral bladder problems.

You Spoke, I Listened

If a man is interested he will find a way.  If he is not, he is not.  It is not that complicated.

If a man is interested he will fight for you and not the other way around.  If a man is interested he will protect you, and not leave you out to dry.

But, honestly why would he be…just look at me.  I couldn’t be anymore plain and simple.

For once I would like someone to say here are the keys back to your life.  I’m sorry we lied to you, manipulated you, deceived you, fooled you, betrayed you, harmed you, and hurt you.

Fuck.  You don’t even have to say sorry.  Just let me go on with my plain, boring, ordinary, uninteresting life.

It is better for everyone.  I just don’t belong in your world.  It has been proven and spoken to me.

I write the truth here.

I would never wish harm to anyone regardless of how they have hurt me.  I am happy for all of you.

Please let me go.

If you ever even had a passing thought about me, you’d let me go.  You’ve carried on too long in this way.

Please let me go.

If you were wrong.  You’d find a way to make it up to me.

You need to let me go.

As I understand it, you’re better and happier without me, so let me go.

 

 

Worn Through

A kind of tired wears on me.  It is not just in the way my drab clothes hang upon my petite frame, exhaustion echoes loudly across my face yelling keep away, I’m worn out.

I’m so sick of traffic.  Anyone else sick of the same old shitty traffic?

I brought home take-out today,  I’ll be able to eat for days off it.  I’m reminded of the days when I took care of my mom.  She would go through times where she would not eat what I fed her.  She never did eat very much,  I would have to bribe her with chocolate or treats in order to get her to take her medicine.  Because if I couldn’t get her to take her medicine, what good was I?

So, I would get take-out just to try to get her to eat.  Honestly, it was always a great deal of work.  I would feel exhausted afterwards, but I felt as if I accomplished something at least.

I would have gotten her up, bathed, and dressed.  Given her a ride, so she was out of the house and out of bed.  She would have walked some instead of lying down in bed.  Then, she would have had some real food.

It wasn’t just the drive and getting out of the house.  She loved people.  She worked with people her whole life, international students, refugees, and children.  All shapes, all sizes, all colors, all ethnicities, she truly loved people.

She would reach for people, talk to strangers even after her strokes she never changed, she never altered.  She loved people and she wanted to make sure they – whomever she came across – knew she loved them.  Maybe it was her belief in God, maybe she was compensating for a lack of love in her own life, maybe she saw something no one else did.  I don’t know, but she loved people.

They say the apple doesn’t fall from the tree, and that’s true.  Sometimes people might find that hard to find in me as it was my job to protect her which sometimes meant asserting a different approach.

It’s a kind of terribleness to no longer have someone to care for.  I’m like a mother without a child, a nurse without a patient, or a solider without a fight.

Given my present circumstances that continue to keep those who know and care about me far, far away, I believe my loss to be unrecoverable.

Once, I went into a store and I thought I would get married there.  I can’t explain that.  Perhaps there was an unfair advantage that persuaded me into believing that story, I’m not sure.  But, I believed it.  And I believed it would help to marry him.

I will cry when I am ready, but not before then.  They will be my tears and no one else’s.  Don’t push your luck, buddy.

Taken Without Cause

I’ve recently returned from the burial of my mother.  What should have been a difficult passing of a parent has become lost to me.

It was not a shock to hear the news of my mother’s passing.  The truth is she has been gone for me for more than awhile.

It was as if imposters had taken her place – and that is not a metaphor – leaving me in an emotional place that I cannot describe let alone ever share.

The last moments I could have shared with her were stolen from me.  The last time I could have made her laugh or smile – taken for no reason.

An emotional excavation of my soul has taken place.  A landslide, a sheering off of entire parts of me are gone.  And unrecoverable.

Not from the loss of my mother, however that is where it started , but from mismanagement, errors on the part of the overseer, wrong supervisor, and countless over-stepping-of-bounds that can never be replaced or explained.

There is no amount of money, fame, or prestige that could ever replace what I’ve lost.