I Want It All To End

I have been lied to by every employer I’ve had since 2013.

All about when the control would end and I would get my life back.

The last few lied about timing.  First I was told six months and it would end – it didn’t.

Then, I was told three months and it would end – it didn’t.

I have been placed in isolation, separated from the entire world since 2014.  My entire surroundings are controlled.  Every person I meet already knows who I am.

This is entirely unfair to me, more correctly it is extremely cruel to do to a person.

I am unable to speak to people, have a social life, or any resemblance of a life other than going to work and immediately home.

I have never been more depressed in my entire life.

I don’t even get to say no.  I don’t get to say this is enough.  I don’t get to say I don’t want anymore.  I don’t get to say leave me alone.  I don’t get to say I do not want a virtual life.  I don’t get to say I don’t and never did want to be virtually fucked.

I don’t get to have a life.

How can a person live without being able to say no and be heard?

How can a  person live without the ability to control their life?

I have been lied to again by my employer which has really hurt considering the source.

I don’t know how to continue any longer when every time I’ve been lied to about a time line and when this will all end where I get to have my life back again where I get to have my mind and my brain to myself alone.  Where no one enters my mind.  Where if someone wants to know what I am thinking they have to ask me in person.  Where no one is able to create pain or sensation in my body virtually.  Where no one can contaminate my food, or the air, or control the weather, or the traffic.

I could tell there was something wrong at my job in 2013.  It wasn’t until the beginning of 2014 I knew my entire workplace was faked, and it ruined me where I could no longer be myself anymore.

I can’t stand looking down anymore.

I can’t stand being walked in mazes and driven in circles.

I can’t stand this fake life – I never could.  I was told it would end in a one year.  Well, this control has been happening going on three years now.

Can you imagine three plus years without having a single friend to talk to in your life?!  Let alone not being able to even have a boyfriend for more than three years?!  To constantly be stuck in a virtual world not of your choosing?!

Changing jobs doesn’t help.  The virtual control remains the same regardless of where I go or do.

I want to live and have a whole and complete life.  I want a man to talk to, to love and be loved in return.  I want to be the love of his life.  I want to be wanted by him.  I want him to want to spend the rest of his life with me.  I want him to find me.

I don’t want to be locked away in a virtual prison anymore.

I want to be set free.  I want to be sprung from this cage.

I don’t want to meet famous people, actors, or celebrities in disguise, or virtually.

I don’t want to follow clues.  I don’t want to choose numbers or sides.  I don’t to be shown or told what to buy.  I don’t want anyone to control my underwear, or the air.

I want an end to this fake life, or I will be forced to end my life.

25

A realization hit me tonight – it has been more than 25 years since a man has found me attractive enough to ask out on a date.

I mean, I’ve been on a few dates a few years ago, but they were all a set up.  Only a couple of them where ok-looking, but hardly what I found sexually attractive.

I understand I am no great beauty.  I am just an average looking woman.  But, in more than 25 years I have never met another man – other than Michael who wanted me.

Michael was not a good man.  I didn’t understand completely until tonight that was the last man who is ever going to love me.

I just can’t live like this anymore.

I just can’t manage or deal with the stress and isolation of this life any longer.

Especially since I’ve come to understand Michael is the only man who has and will ever love me.

Not Much Has Changed

I have said and shared more than once that Florida has great potential for the film and television industry.  There is no reason why there shouldn’t be more work shot in Florida.

However, from what I’ve experienced, as well as, from my understanding of the problems involved with productions – Florida has not grasped the possibilities for the future.  Florida makes decisions for the immediate need.  Florida as I have experienced it all these years is still a good o’l boy mentality with red neck mischief.

Florida should figure out making and creating decisions that could impact – for the better – the entire state what a difference it would make for every person for years, decades, and centuries to come.

There is no reason why Florida isn’t more accessible to Hollywood than California.  Except California has put money, planning, city engineering, planned communities, engineered roads, etc.  Florida takes the position of do it yourself.  There is no organization, no commitment to a future for every person for the years to come.

What I’ve experienced – Florida is slow.  It does not learn from the success of others and apply it with a purpose to the now.

I grew up in California, then my family moved to Oregon.  When I moved to Oregon (as a young child) I thought Oregon is years behind California.  The mentality of its people, fashion, politics, its view on the world, etc.

From Oregon my family moved to Florida when I was a teenager.  I was devastated by the move.  I was in culture shock for a very long time.  Florida was so far behind Oregon – it’s mentality, fashion, politics, it’s view on the world, etc. it was unbearable.

Shouldn’t come as a shock, I suppose, since Florida was the last state in the union to amend its state constitution giving women the right to vote – 1971, folks.  Can you believe that?  That is if my internet research can be believed.  Since my internet access has an undisclosed (unauthorised) governing upon it.

For me, it is quite literally painful to see possibility, potential, yet be stopped over and over and over again by stupidity, narrow-mindedness, and a failure to believe in the possibilities of human potential.

This writing for me is still an explanation, or reporting.  It is not the writing I started with, nor is it the writing that I have stored away in the recesses of my mind, but do to the confines of my current life I am unable to reach.

I am Florida.

I have great potential.  I have great possibility.  Yet, time and time and time again I have been stopped, blocked, locked in, physically hurt to stop me, and literally slammed into to keep me isolated, stuck, and a version of what someone else wants of me.  But, it is not me.

If I was able to live outside of this faked life – this unreal life I’ve been imprisoned in – if I was able to speak, to live with control over my body alone, without intruders in my body, in my place of residence, without games of control, without competition for my money and attention, where I could finally be free of 360, it would be the difference between California getting all the jobs and Florida finally being able to stand on its own legs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What I Booked, Not What I Got

I come here to write.  Because I want to write.  Because I need to write.

All I get to do anymore is explain and report – at least that is what it feels like to me.

I used to have it.  I used to be able to free associate without being pushed, motivated, or told.

I guess, that was back when I still had feeling in my hands, freedom and control over my brain space.

So, now ALL I am left with is telling.  Which is not the same as writing – not to me.

Oh, how I miss the writing path I was on with control over my head and body.  I was just getting to a point of being extraordinary when it was taken away from me – stolen from me.

I did some travelling last year as a way to escape the prison of this house – twice it was an enormous mistake.  Twice I had booked reservations for a carefully planned out trip, yet was forced and manipulated into a different experience.

So, I am naming names here for anyone who cares even if it only me.

I wanted to stay at the Best Western in New Orleans even if it was on Rampart street.  I understood it to be the best choice for me.

I wanted to stay at The Key Lime Inn at Key West.  I was going back a second time to Key West for inspiration because it has gone from me entirely with the loss of control.  I need the inspiration to write again, so I can live instead wishing to die everyday.

I wish I could explain the means that were used to convince me that the decisions I made were incorrect.  But, how can I?!  Honestly, I wouldn’t even know where to begin.

I wanted to go back to Key West to visit Ernest Hemingway’s house hoping for inspiration to write again.  Visiting his house a second time was the same as the first – it did nothing for me.

However, when I saw that the hotel I wanted to stay at was across the street from his house I nearly cried.  It was so much closer.  It would have been so much less walking.

I can’t stand this experience of being taken advantage of ALL of my memories.  It is shamefully disgraceful.

I would have had a front porch if I had been able to stay at the Key West Inn – all to myself.  It was nicer accommodations and everything.

It is so painful.

I’ve stopped paying attention anymore.  This life has gone on for too long now.

 

 

 

Mental Abuse And Rape

Screamed at the top of my lungs for help until I was spitting up blood yesterday.

No help ever came just the same damn bullshit again.

I am so sick of this black and white bullshit I see everywhere I turn!

For me it has never been black and white nor will it ever be black and white no matter what someone tries to make my life be, no matter how anyone tries to trick and manipulate my surroundings it WILL NEVER BE BLACK AND WHITE – EVER!!!

No matter how anyone tries to make me believe – it will NEVER be the BACK SEAT – it will never be BLACK AND WHITE!!

I went to the dealership to have my car key replaced and straightened out.  I was simply trying to be out of the way from people who are either dosing me with air freshener or directing me as to how, where, and when I will drive, yet somehow I am always made to feel the loser.

Who knew my life would end the day I went to work for a store?!  But, that is what is what happened.

I worked for The Container Store for nearly two years.

It was just a store.  And, I bought into it.

I stuck-up for those persons I thought needed extra attention, motivation, love, and encouragement – I went out of my way to help persons who seemed to need it.

Because of my time employed and served at The Container Store my entire life has ended.

Because of what happened my last year there I had to sever all ties I had with any persons I had made friends with as a means to protect myself.

Beginning December 2013 I have not been able to have a single friend, or friendship, or relationship, or boyfriend.  I have not even been able to go into a store and have a conversation with anyone because EVERYONE treats me as if they already know me.

How could that possibly be?!

I cannot even drive down the street without being told and shown turn this street, drive this lane, park in this space.

How can that possibly be?!

What I am about to tell you seems unlikely, yet it is true.

I went to the dentist.  I was told I needed a root canal, for which I paid.  But what I received was more than porcelain enamel what I got was a receiver in my tooth that could and does relay what I am thinking to a “someone” I do not know.  More importantly, this person who is able to hear my thoughts is also able to return speech to my brain, relay pictures, and worse send pain in my body.

If you could possibly imagine that a person is able to hear a person’s thoughts you cannot possibly imagine how incredibly intimate that experience is to live through as I have had to endure more than two years of people – not just A person – but, many random people have used and abused my tooth radio.

If you think of it this way, if you know the story Twilight where the werewolves are able to hear each other’s thoughts it would be along the same lines.  However, unlike the Twilight story where the werewolves all know each other, know each other’s voices, and can hear, know, and understand who is talking in their head, I do not know who is in my head talking back to me and it changes all the time.

If you can imagine the possibility of someone talking and hearing your thoughts – I tell you again – it is SO MUCH MORE personal and intimate than having sex with someone.

You invite someone to have sex with you.  It is consensual.  I never have agreed, accepted, allowed, or in any way permitted anyone to hear my thoughts, be in my head, or have any control over my body – I’ll get to more of that later.

While working at The Container Store, I trusted every single person there.  So much so that I never even locked my locker while at work.  What happened, believe it or not, was that allowed persons to make copies of my keys, examine the contents of my purse including all of my credit cards, go through my phone, and worse still it gave them access to my house while I was at work.

How they did it all I cannot tell you.  I can tell you this, however the windows, ceiling, fans, and walls all make noises all on their own.  Dings, pings, booms, and bangs.  The televisions were able to see me while I was watching the television.  The ceiling exhaust fans seem to have a microphone to be able to hear and record what is going on in my house.  My internet and computer is watched and recorded.  The electricity is tapped into and manipulated.  The fire alarms have recording camera’s; the mirrors all have cameras in them as well.  I’ve done everything I could to cover up all cameras, recording devices and everything and anything that violates my privacy.

I am forced to live here because I cannot afford to live elsewhere.

I never agreed to live while being recorded, televised, or in any way shape or form listened in on, listened to while thinking, or document my life as it is happening, filmed or watched while driving, or in any way shape or form do I wish to be in the public eye, on television, in a movie, have a photo montage, or in any way shape or form have my life exploited.

I was made to believe that I was on television, a part of a movie, under contract and in fact going to be paid for my work – that has never happened.  How could it?!

I played along with it believing I was a part of something.  How could I do otherwise when they are able to control everything else that goes on around me.

I kept it a secret – so to speak – because I was unable to say – STOP!  I don’t WANT THIS!  Leave me alone!

EVERY single person I’ve spoken with even as a cashier at a store has had a name of someone I’ve previously known.

Again, I say, I have not been able to have a single friend, relationship, or boyfriend since 2013.

Can you imagine being able to live that long with a single friend, or communication of any sort with anyone beyond your own mind?!  It is like being in solitary confinement for all these years.  It is like working and being worked over 24 hours a day 365 days a year because even while I am sleeping someone is able to enter my mind and tell me things, and dreams that when I awake I know the difference that it is NOT my dreams or dreaming, to wake me and disturb my sleep.  Consequently, it is torture.

Could you possibly imagine what that would and could do to a person’s mental state?!

In addition, I have laid down on my bed, exhausted and worn-out trying to get sleep and rest, and have virtually been raped!

I have laid down on my bed and had the sensation of pressure on my body as though someone was laying on top of me, and as if someone was able to push a cum button where your body instantly and automatically makes you wet in that instant someone entered my mind, felt the pressure, I was made wet – NOT OF MY CHOSING!!!!!!!!!

Bodies are mechanical.  Just because you are made wet does NOT MEAN YOU WANT OR DESIRE IT!!!

I, in no way agreed, consented, wanted, or in any way shape or form wanted to be virtually fucked, have my thoughts listened to and receive what someone else was saying in return, have my house monitored, filmed or recorded in any way.

I have in no way EVER wanted to follow clues, be turned down and around certain paths and mazes, drive in endless circles, hear, listen and see coded messages, or have my grocery store shopping recorded.  Nor, did I ever give permission to have the purchases I’ve made been turned into a contest of who and which I would consume or wear.

I have gone along with it as long as I have because I believed it was a job.  I believed it was a job I was going to be paid.

I BELIEVED IT WAS GOING TO END!!!!

The latest thing that has happened is someone being able to push a pee button and drops of pee come out so my pants are made wet while I am working.  Then, they have also made it so my arms are filled with pins and needles sensation – it is the most painful.

I cannot imagine that I will have a job much longer once I have shared this with the internet.  But, who really cares when you are no longer able to have any sort of life whatsoever living virtually in solitary confinement.

After today, it was confirmation to me as I broke down from the sheer stress of just driving to UPS that I cannot and will not go back to work or continue living this life.

To go back a second, in March of 2014 I on three separate occasions dated a man I was not sexually attracted to, but wanting to have a life I dated him because I am a woman who needs a man in her life.  I knew there was something off about him once I met him.  However, due to an unfair advantage “they” have because of the tooth I continued (in misery) to date him on three separate occasions.  “He” was merely a stooge or a body as there was another person watching and monitoring the date(s) while in my home.  As I understand it, the dates went David, James, David.  So, ever since those horrible “dates” I have been in hell having to relive – is it, 1, 2 or 3 – every single FUCKING day while neither David or James talk or communicate in person to me as a friend or normal person.

It is nothing more than script being written daily with no MAN apart of my physically life.  Other than, this mind fucking that – AGAIN – I neither agreed to, consented, allowed, or in any way permitted to happen.

Consequently, I have had my entire life stolen.

I have even had imposters, or actors play the parts of my family.  On numerous occasions persons played the part of my mother.  Therefore, killing her as it severed all means of being able to communicate with her.  My own brother has been played by imposters and actors.  To my great horrification my father has used coded messages.  It is utterly humiliating.

Because of the tooth radio I’ve heard not from my natural voice and been called terrible names, put down, insulted, and made to feel worthless.

It has been a constant battle within my mind but NOT of my own choosing.

Therefore, I have not been able to have any sort of functioning life.  TWO plus years of not being able to have a single friend or conversation.  Every single conversation I’ve had has been direction as if they are part of a script or movie.  Even the bird noises outside my window are fake and canned and played on cue.

The depth of my sanity and endurance has reached its end as I have had too many mental breakdowns just trying to cope.

It has been as if I’ve lived in a virtual bubble since 2013 with no communication with the outside world.

Can you possibly imagine what that would be like to live through?!

In addition, I have said previously my own pets were used by means of silent whistles, etc. to pee, act inappropriately, destroy furniture and property, and cry as a means to humiliate, torture, and exhaust my mental state to which I had to surrender them to my brother.

I was even forced AGAINST MY WILL to not sit at my brother’s side at his own wedding which I believed to be faked and NOT A REAL wedding.  They might have a marriage certificate however, the person my brother is married to has been played by a different person each time I see him the size, shape, and color of him changes every time I see him.

Who could possibly go so many years without a single friend or even a boyfriend?!

It has been nothing but years of mental torture, rape and molestation, and my life stolen and taken away from me.

I will take the means necessary to be at peace.

I cannot continue playing along.

I understand there is no one to rescue me.

I understand this will not end.

But, I CANNOT continue to allow this to be my life when I am not even able to think and create my own thoughts, and my body is not my own to control.

The only thing that stopped me while I was screaming at the top of my lungs for help was missing the chance to tell people how terrible, violating, perverted, and forced upon me these last few years has been.  Otherwise, I was set to end my life.

No Life Here

What little men know about women.  They think one orgasm will save them from the brink of their own destruction.

Can you imagine what it would be like to have your internet connection hi-jacked and manipulated?!

Can you imagine what it would be like to live with someone else in control of your electricity, so they could make noises and keep you up while you are trying to sleep.  Buzz you through your ceiling fan?!

No one listens to me.

My poppa is not a part of my life as far as I am concerned.

So I have to do what I have to do in order to have some eternal relief.

Deadline Set

My bladder is so messed up today.

Right now, I am feeling I wished I had never worked for Home Depot before.

Can you imagine living a life where for more than two years you were not even able to have a single friend?!

Can you imagine a life where for more than two years you were not even able to go and have any kind of life besides work which was 24 hours a day even while you were sleeping?!

Living the way I have been made to live is like living in solitary confinement.

Home Is Private:OFF LIMITS

Walking through freshly spilled horse piss trying to reach the door of the station, I remembered I had once written about horses.

The feeling of the wind blowing through my hair waving it like a flag, the sensation of muscles strong, the word-less expressions that speak volumes.  I love horses and riding horses.

However, I wrote once that like a wild horse that runs, I will always return.

The truth is I was being followed.

Everyone I went.  Unlike some people I actually protect those I care about, so we’ll call him Steve.  Nearly every single day I saw Steve.

For reasons I won’t disclose – let’s just say Facebook fucked me – I chose to recognize Steve, but not acknowledge him.

Simply put, I wrote I would return because I wanted to understand and be understood.

That no longer applies anymore, in fact it never did if truth be told.

I could give two flying fuck’s in the wind anymore.  I won’t and can’t pretend anymore.

The saying goes – You can never return Home again.  Truth.

When I left to get the fuck away from this neighborhood, I was told to go.

Had I been able to leave prepared, I would never have returned wanting to kill myself every single day.

The accident would not have happened.

I would be so much fuller instead of drained of all creativity, desire, passion, and my beautiful outlook on life.

To have someone take your writing, pervert and bastardize it is a terrible injustice to me.