Mental Abuse And Rape

Screamed at the top of my lungs for help until I was spitting up blood yesterday.

No help ever came just the same damn bullshit again.

I am so sick of this black and white bullshit I see everywhere I turn!

For me it has never been black and white nor will it ever be black and white no matter what someone tries to make my life be, no matter how anyone tries to trick and manipulate my surroundings it WILL NEVER BE BLACK AND WHITE – EVER!!!

No matter how anyone tries to make me believe – it will NEVER be the BACK SEAT – it will never be BLACK AND WHITE!!

I went to the dealership to have my car key replaced and straightened out.  I was simply trying to be out of the way from people who are either dosing me with air freshener or directing me as to how, where, and when I will drive, yet somehow I am always made to feel the loser.

Who knew my life would end the day I went to work for a store?!  But, that is what is what happened.

I worked for The Container Store for nearly two years.

It was just a store.  And, I bought into it.

I stuck-up for those persons I thought needed extra attention, motivation, love, and encouragement – I went out of my way to help persons who seemed to need it.

Because of my time employed and served at The Container Store my entire life has ended.

Because of what happened my last year there I had to sever all ties I had with any persons I had made friends with as a means to protect myself.

Beginning December 2013 I have not been able to have a single friend, or friendship, or relationship, or boyfriend.  I have not even been able to go into a store and have a conversation with anyone because EVERYONE treats me as if they already know me.

How could that possibly be?!

I cannot even drive down the street without being told and shown turn this street, drive this lane, park in this space.

How can that possibly be?!

What I am about to tell you seems unlikely, yet it is true.

I went to the dentist.  I was told I needed a root canal, for which I paid.  But what I received was more than porcelain enamel what I got was a receiver in my tooth that could and does relay what I am thinking to a “someone” I do not know.  More importantly, this person who is able to hear my thoughts is also able to return speech to my brain, relay pictures, and worse send pain in my body.

If you could possibly imagine that a person is able to hear a person’s thoughts you cannot possibly imagine how incredibly intimate that experience is to live through as I have had to endure more than two years of people – not just A person – but, many random people have used and abused my tooth radio.

If you think of it this way, if you know the story Twilight where the werewolves are able to hear each other’s thoughts it would be along the same lines.  However, unlike the Twilight story where the werewolves all know each other, know each other’s voices, and can hear, know, and understand who is talking in their head, I do not know who is in my head talking back to me and it changes all the time.

If you can imagine the possibility of someone talking and hearing your thoughts – I tell you again – it is SO MUCH MORE personal and intimate than having sex with someone.

You invite someone to have sex with you.  It is consensual.  I never have agreed, accepted, allowed, or in any way permitted anyone to hear my thoughts, be in my head, or have any control over my body – I’ll get to more of that later.

While working at The Container Store, I trusted every single person there.  So much so that I never even locked my locker while at work.  What happened, believe it or not, was that allowed persons to make copies of my keys, examine the contents of my purse including all of my credit cards, go through my phone, and worse still it gave them access to my house while I was at work.

How they did it all I cannot tell you.  I can tell you this, however the windows, ceiling, fans, and walls all make noises all on their own.  Dings, pings, booms, and bangs.  The televisions were able to see me while I was watching the television.  The ceiling exhaust fans seem to have a microphone to be able to hear and record what is going on in my house.  My internet and computer is watched and recorded.  The electricity is tapped into and manipulated.  The fire alarms have recording camera’s; the mirrors all have cameras in them as well.  I’ve done everything I could to cover up all cameras, recording devices and everything and anything that violates my privacy.

I am forced to live here because I cannot afford to live elsewhere.

I never agreed to live while being recorded, televised, or in any way shape or form listened in on, listened to while thinking, or document my life as it is happening, filmed or watched while driving, or in any way shape or form do I wish to be in the public eye, on television, in a movie, have a photo montage, or in any way shape or form have my life exploited.

I was made to believe that I was on television, a part of a movie, under contract and in fact going to be paid for my work – that has never happened.  How could it?!

I played along with it believing I was a part of something.  How could I do otherwise when they are able to control everything else that goes on around me.

I kept it a secret – so to speak – because I was unable to say – STOP!  I don’t WANT THIS!  Leave me alone!

EVERY single person I’ve spoken with even as a cashier at a store has had a name of someone I’ve previously known.

Again, I say, I have not been able to have a single friend, relationship, or boyfriend since 2013.

Can you imagine being able to live that long with a single friend, or communication of any sort with anyone beyond your own mind?!  It is like being in solitary confinement for all these years.  It is like working and being worked over 24 hours a day 365 days a year because even while I am sleeping someone is able to enter my mind and tell me things, and dreams that when I awake I know the difference that it is NOT my dreams or dreaming, to wake me and disturb my sleep.  Consequently, it is torture.

Could you possibly imagine what that would and could do to a person’s mental state?!

In addition, I have laid down on my bed, exhausted and worn-out trying to get sleep and rest, and have virtually been raped!

I have laid down on my bed and had the sensation of pressure on my body as though someone was laying on top of me, and as if someone was able to push a cum button where your body instantly and automatically makes you wet in that instant someone entered my mind, felt the pressure, I was made wet – NOT OF MY CHOSING!!!!!!!!!

Bodies are mechanical.  Just because you are made wet does NOT MEAN YOU WANT OR DESIRE IT!!!

I, in no way agreed, consented, wanted, or in any way shape or form wanted to be virtually fucked, have my thoughts listened to and receive what someone else was saying in return, have my house monitored, filmed or recorded in any way.

I have in no way EVER wanted to follow clues, be turned down and around certain paths and mazes, drive in endless circles, hear, listen and see coded messages, or have my grocery store shopping recorded.  Nor, did I ever give permission to have the purchases I’ve made been turned into a contest of who and which I would consume or wear.

I have gone along with it as long as I have because I believed it was a job.  I believed it was a job I was going to be paid.


The latest thing that has happened is someone being able to push a pee button and drops of pee come out so my pants are made wet while I am working.  Then, they have also made it so my arms are filled with pins and needles sensation – it is the most painful.

I cannot imagine that I will have a job much longer once I have shared this with the internet.  But, who really cares when you are no longer able to have any sort of life whatsoever living virtually in solitary confinement.

After today, it was confirmation to me as I broke down from the sheer stress of just driving to UPS that I cannot and will not go back to work or continue living this life.

To go back a second, in March of 2014 I on three separate occasions dated a man I was not sexually attracted to, but wanting to have a life I dated him because I am a woman who needs a man in her life.  I knew there was something off about him once I met him.  However, due to an unfair advantage “they” have because of the tooth I continued (in misery) to date him on three separate occasions.  “He” was merely a stooge or a body as there was another person watching and monitoring the date(s) while in my home.  As I understand it, the dates went David, James, David.  So, ever since those horrible “dates” I have been in hell having to relive – is it, 1, 2 or 3 – every single FUCKING day while neither David or James talk or communicate in person to me as a friend or normal person.

It is nothing more than script being written daily with no MAN apart of my physically life.  Other than, this mind fucking that – AGAIN – I neither agreed to, consented, allowed, or in any way permitted to happen.

Consequently, I have had my entire life stolen.

I have even had imposters, or actors play the parts of my family.  On numerous occasions persons played the part of my mother.  Therefore, killing her as it severed all means of being able to communicate with her.  My own brother has been played by imposters and actors.  To my great horrification my father has used coded messages.  It is utterly humiliating.

Because of the tooth radio I’ve heard not from my natural voice and been called terrible names, put down, insulted, and made to feel worthless.

It has been a constant battle within my mind but NOT of my own choosing.

Therefore, I have not been able to have any sort of functioning life.  TWO plus years of not being able to have a single friend or conversation.  Every single conversation I’ve had has been direction as if they are part of a script or movie.  Even the bird noises outside my window are fake and canned and played on cue.

The depth of my sanity and endurance has reached its end as I have had too many mental breakdowns just trying to cope.

It has been as if I’ve lived in a virtual bubble since 2013 with no communication with the outside world.

Can you possibly imagine what that would be like to live through?!

In addition, I have said previously my own pets were used by means of silent whistles, etc. to pee, act inappropriately, destroy furniture and property, and cry as a means to humiliate, torture, and exhaust my mental state to which I had to surrender them to my brother.

I was even forced AGAINST MY WILL to not sit at my brother’s side at his own wedding which I believed to be faked and NOT A REAL wedding.  They might have a marriage certificate however, the person my brother is married to has been played by a different person each time I see him the size, shape, and color of him changes every time I see him.

Who could possibly go so many years without a single friend or even a boyfriend?!

It has been nothing but years of mental torture, rape and molestation, and my life stolen and taken away from me.

I will take the means necessary to be at peace.

I cannot continue playing along.

I understand there is no one to rescue me.

I understand this will not end.

But, I CANNOT continue to allow this to be my life when I am not even able to think and create my own thoughts, and my body is not my own to control.

The only thing that stopped me while I was screaming at the top of my lungs for help was missing the chance to tell people how terrible, violating, perverted, and forced upon me these last few years has been.  Otherwise, I was set to end my life.

No Life Here

What little men know about women.  They think one orgasm will save them from the brink of their own destruction.

Can you imagine what it would be like to have your internet connection hi-jacked and manipulated?!

Can you imagine what it would be like to live with someone else in control of your electricity, so they could make noises and keep you up while you are trying to sleep.  Buzz you through your ceiling fan?!

No one listens to me.

My poppa is not a part of my life as far as I am concerned.

So I have to do what I have to do in order to have some eternal relief.

Deadline Set

My bladder is so messed up today.

Right now, I am feeling I wished I had never worked for Home Depot before.

Can you imagine living a life where for more than two years you were not even able to have a single friend?!

Can you imagine a life where for more than two years you were not even able to go and have any kind of life besides work which was 24 hours a day even while you were sleeping?!

Living the way I have been made to live is like living in solitary confinement.

Slip Of The Tongue

Have you ever had anyone copy or mimic a behavior you’ve done before?

I don’t have to be careful.

I don’t have to hide any secrets.

I don’t have to play along anymore.

I don’t have to pretend I understand anymore.

I was dating this man once even though in my gut I knew there was something that was not right, my brain was trying to comprehend and understand.

I was trying so hard to seduce him.  Because I wanted to seduce him, to tease him, to make him want me, to make him want to seduce me and take me to bed.

Perfectly normal, right?!  To want to find the one thing or trigger that could annihilate all social graces and make a man want to take you straight to bed.

I found that if I playfully licked my lips – ever so – he found it exciting.  I mean, it was just he and I in the room, right?!

Nothing harmful.  Just a man and a woman talking to each other – so to speak.

Unfortunately for me, that is all I see anymore is men and women sticking their tongues out as if they were in the room as well, mirroring me.  I was ok went it was he and I, but not when every single person I see does it.  Horrifying to see a private and personal experience repeated and displayed.  Especially, when I never gave my permission or consented to the experience being public.

What I realize now is that man was hiding behind another man.  I guess that’s why I was trying so hard because he wasn’t even there in the room with me.  Fucking actors, man!

Well, that’s long over now.

I am telling the story because if I tell the story than no one else can harm me with it.

Claustrophobic Surround

Just when I think I can’t possibly have any more loss in my life it happens again.  Everything and everyone I love gets taken or stolen away from me.

The pressure that I have been living with and under is excruciating.  Fighting to survive because of the constant pressure surrounding me.

Feeling beaten up from battling sides each claiming me, yet neither one helping me or there for me.  With no one apologizing or making up to me for the harm they have caused.  Then, on the other hand I don’t know how many times I have to say no to keep people away and out of my life.

I was never fighting.  I was just trying to survive.  And, I am so very tired of being pushed.

This house feels so tiny.  It is really only big enough for one person and barely any furniture.  I feel it smothering me.

It is so depressing here.