Slip Of The Tongue

Have you ever had anyone copy or mimic a behavior you’ve done before?

I don’t have to be careful.

I don’t have to hide any secrets.

I don’t have to play along anymore.

I don’t have to pretend I understand anymore.

I was dating this man once even though in my gut I knew there was something that was not right, my brain was trying to comprehend and understand.

I was trying so hard to seduce him.  Because I wanted to seduce him, to tease him, to make him want me, to make him want to seduce me and take me to bed.

Perfectly normal, right?!  To want to find the one thing or trigger that could annihilate all social graces and make a man want to take you straight to bed.

I found that if I playfully licked my lips – ever so – he found it exciting.  I mean, it was just he and I in the room, right?!

Nothing harmful.  Just a man and a woman talking to each other – so to speak.

Unfortunately for me, that is all I see anymore is men and women sticking their tongues out as if they were in the room as well, mirroring me.  I was ok went it was he and I, but not when every single person I see does it.  Horrifying to see a private and personal experience repeated and displayed.  Especially, when I never gave my permission or consented to the experience being public.

What I realize now is that man was hiding behind another man.  I guess that’s why I was trying so hard because he wasn’t even there in the room with me.  Fucking actors, man!

Well, that’s long over now.

I am telling the story because if I tell the story than no one else can harm me with it.

Claustrophobic Surround

Just when I think I can’t possibly have any more loss in my life it happens again.  Everything and everyone I love gets taken or stolen away from me.

The pressure that I have been living with and under is excruciating.  Fighting to survive because of the constant pressure surrounding me.

Feeling beaten up from battling sides each claiming me, yet neither one helping me or there for me.  With no one apologizing or making up to me for the harm they have caused.  Then, on the other hand I don’t know how many times I have to say no to keep people away and out of my life.

I was never fighting.  I was just trying to survive.  And, I am so very tired of being pushed.

This house feels so tiny.  It is really only big enough for one person and barely any furniture.  I feel it smothering me.

It is so depressing here.