So, The Story Goes…

I can’t believe I am retelling this story again.

But, here it goes…

The story is, I was never a reader growing up.  I would rather do than watch which is what reading felt like to me.  I felt reading was passive.  Its’s not that I couldn’t read or read well.

Unfortunately for me, my action orientated mind landed me in a reading-for-the-impaired class when a teacher asked me to read out loud then explain to the class what I had just read.  When I said I couldn’t explain what I had just read, she sent to remedial reading class.  Upon which the first day I was kicked out.

The teacher asked a student to read – I couldn’t believe how low these kids were reading let alone how slow.  This poor kid had a problem reading out-loud a simple word  like – T-H-E – I was so upset with having been placed in this class, I started yelling.  What is wrong with you, You can’t read that word!!!!!!!  The teacher asked me to read next, and I read as fast as I could, I was so upset.  I was told not to come back to that class.

When the teacher asked me to explain what I had just read and told her I couldn’t it was because I was thinking about so many other things other than what I was reading at the same time as I was reading that I wasn’t paying attention to the exact story.  My brain had other ideas in mind other than the science book I was asked to read.

So, I grew up not being a reader until…I became so upset from watching a movie.

Twilight came around and was everywhere.

Ugh, Twilight and vampire, and UGH!

I didn’t want to watch Twilight.  I am too cerebral, interested in culture, the world, and life to care about teenaged vampires!

However, I decided it might not be a bad idea to see why the whole world is in love with Twilight.  I was a care-giver to my mother at the time, so stealing away to go to the movie theater was a big deal at the time.  Sometimes, it was more than six months at a time before I left to go do something just for myself.

I went.  I saw Twilight…I thought, it’s not so bad.  I’ll go see the next movie when it comes out which was New Moon.  I waited and planned for New Moon.

That stupid movie!!!!!

That is how you end a movie with a wedding?!  What?!  Why?!  Ugh?!

I despised the ending!

I was so upset…for days!!!!  I had wasted my money, and  more importantly my precious time.

I tried to figure it out.  I decided there must have been something lost in translation from book to movie and that is why it was so bad.

So, I bought the books.

First book, not bad – easy reading.  Next book, and the next book.  I wanted to read them all because I was enjoying it.

Then, I remembered when he told me we were like Katherine and Heathcliff.  I remember it, but I don’t feel it anymore just like I don’t feel anything anymore.

So, I read Wuthering Heights.

Which brought me to another time when he and I argued over whether it was Anna Karenina or Anna Karen.

So, I read Anna Karenina.

Not, my favorite story, but there was a story beyond Anna Karenina which started in Volume eight.

In volume eight, Tolstoy shares more of a personal essay into what was happening in his life at the time.  For me, it was a profound moment reading volume eight.  My mother had been tiresome during the night.  I was up all night making sure she was ok, and didn’t have any more strokes.  But, this night she was particularly hard on me.  I couldn’t even stay in the room with her.

I had to finish reading this book.

When…with the reading of seven little words, my world changed.

I nearly dropped the book out of my hands.

What?!

What, just happened?!  Why was he at the center of the sentence?!

Memories, the past, all flooded my mind trying to comprehend.

I had loved him more than I had ever loved any other man in my life.  Yet, I had never been able to tell him, or share with him how thankful I was just to have known him.

I felt a connection to him – at the time – I thought, would never end.

Unfortunately, for me…I don’t feel anymore.  I have a complete disconnection from my heart and have been disconnected for years.

However, had I not read Twilight, I would not have read Wuthering Heights, had I not read Wuthering Heights, I would not have read Anna Karenina, had I not read Anna Karenina, I would not have leaned an appreciation for reading and classical literature.

What Choice Have I Had?!

For so many years now, I have been living a life of one, two, or three.

The truth is neither of them are valid nor have they ever have been.

If a man chooses and makes you live separate and apart from the world just to prove whether you will choose the first, second, or third choice – he is not really a man, or a man worth living for.

I cannot begin to explain or tell you the devastation the first choice has done to me and left me with – he has removed himself so far from me.  I am truly devastated.

The second and third choice have played so many mind tricks on me it is embarrassingly painful.

The truth is what choice have I had?!

Once I discovered their deception I would never choose them again.

But then, what choice have I really had?!

25

A realization hit me tonight – it has been more than 25 years since a man has found me attractive enough to ask out on a date.

I mean, I’ve been on a few dates a few years ago, but they were all a set up.  Only a couple of them where ok-looking, but hardly what I found sexually attractive.

I understand I am no great beauty.  I am just an average looking woman.  But, in more than 25 years I have never met another man – other than Michael who wanted me.

Michael was not a good man.  I didn’t understand completely until tonight that was the last man who is ever going to love me.

I just can’t live like this anymore.

I just can’t manage or deal with the stress and isolation of this life any longer.

Especially since I’ve come to understand Michael is the only man who has and will ever love me.

Laughter – Gone

The last time I remember really laughing was at Panera.

A man asked to meet me at Panera.  I was skeptical.  It felt like a set-up  – it was.

I walked into Panera with this man.  I showed up late, dirty hair in a ball cap because I intended to dye it later that evening.  I ate before because I didn’t want to share a meal with this man any longer because I cared nothing for this man.

At Panera, I saw him at a table with other men.  He had closed the door to him so severely, I didn’t go to his table to say, “hi.”  I walked outside without saying anything or even looking at him when I recognized him.

Yet, outside eating with this man I could feel him looking and watching me from the window.  As always when I was around him he turned something on that lit me from inside.

I was hilarious.  I was witty.  I was so funny.  I was improving and throwing out one-liners that would have entertained the entire world.

I knew I was funny.  Not because the man was laughing – I just knew I was funny on a professional level.

What I have learned.  What I understand – I will NEVER be that person again.

My proof is the last few times I’ve met him and been around him.

I’ve turned away.  I’ve not acknowledged him.

He walked by touching my knee at a bar a while ago.  I didn’t speak to him.  I touched his side as I left – that was all.

There was a time I thought I needed to speak to him one last time.  I guess that time is gone.

And with it, my laughter has gone.

 

 

What I Booked, Not What I Got

I come here to write.  Because I want to write.  Because I need to write.

All I get to do anymore is explain and report – at least that is what it feels like to me.

I used to have it.  I used to be able to free associate without being pushed, motivated, or told.

I guess, that was back when I still had feeling in my hands, freedom and control over my brain space.

So, now ALL I am left with is telling.  Which is not the same as writing – not to me.

Oh, how I miss the writing path I was on with control over my head and body.  I was just getting to a point of being extraordinary when it was taken away from me – stolen from me.

I did some travelling last year as a way to escape the prison of this house – twice it was an enormous mistake.  Twice I had booked reservations for a carefully planned out trip, yet was forced and manipulated into a different experience.

So, I am naming names here for anyone who cares even if it only me.

I wanted to stay at the Best Western in New Orleans even if it was on Rampart street.  I understood it to be the best choice for me.

I wanted to stay at The Key Lime Inn at Key West.  I was going back a second time to Key West for inspiration because it has gone from me entirely with the loss of control.  I need the inspiration to write again, so I can live instead wishing to die everyday.

I wish I could explain the means that were used to convince me that the decisions I made were incorrect.  But, how can I?!  Honestly, I wouldn’t even know where to begin.

I wanted to go back to Key West to visit Ernest Hemingway’s house hoping for inspiration to write again.  Visiting his house a second time was the same as the first – it did nothing for me.

However, when I saw that the hotel I wanted to stay at was across the street from his house I nearly cried.  It was so much closer.  It would have been so much less walking.

I can’t stand this experience of being taken advantage of ALL of my memories.  It is shamefully disgraceful.

I would have had a front porch if I had been able to stay at the Key West Inn – all to myself.  It was nicer accommodations and everything.

It is so painful.

I’ve stopped paying attention anymore.  This life has gone on for too long now.

 

 

 

Not A Life, No Real Options

The reality was lost to me the day I understood the deception.

The store was not a real store, but a set.

The man was not a real man since he was the front for the real man/men.

I have been living in a virtual bubble since then.  Well, technically since before that terrible man deception.  Living in a virtual bubble without any life.

A person has to have separation in their life.  If every single second of their life they were working the mind would just collapse upon itself.

You have to have different spaces, different kinds of life – a work life, a home life, a personal life, a social life, a family, a husband, etc.

It is the only way a person can exist.

If a person is stuck, or caught in a never-ending loop – THEY WOULD GO INSANE AND DIE!

If a person has no means to control their own destiny or future, or are able to have any separation – to turn off work, to turn off…well, anything really – if they are NOT allowed their own mind and their own personal mind space – THEY WOULD GO INSANE AND DIE!

It is just the way God designed our bodies to violate, corrupt, and try to control it any other means has nothing but the most self-destructive consequences.

I have had my keys stolen and copied.  I have had my personal information shared without my consent.  I have had – not my virtual life, but my real life stolen.

I no longer write anymore.  The only thing I write here is the wrong and terrible done to me as a way to try to correct it.  But, this is not writing, nor is it the writing I would ever do if I was able to live my life – NOT IN A VIRTUAL BUBBLE.

My daily life is scrutinized.  Do I park my car this way or another way.  The problem is that none of the options for me to park my car are valid!

I try to get away from the Google glasses that have virtually raped me without my permission or consent.  I try to get away from the stupid back seat driver – NEVER WANTED! 

I cannot even park in my own garage because I do not have the equipment or money to be able to change that strike plate, nor is that car a valid option underneath me!!!

So, I am unable to live a life.

I have no future.  There is no way to actually plan, and live a life where you set goals, make plans, set a path for the future.  Because my EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY since those terrible Google dates has been nothing more than having terrible problems happen to me and then correct the mistakes that others have forced upon me.

I don’t want Google, or Google glasses in my life.  I don’t want coded messages and that STUPID FUCKING HAND JIVE coded crap in my life.  I don’t want to drive in endless, stupid car game mazes.  I don’t want to have to walk in STUPID MAZES!!

I want to be able to live and live well!

However, what has been proven to me being in control of my own life is no longer available to me, which truly means I can no longer continue trying to wake up in the morning.

You take away a person ability to make and create their own thoughts – you take away their very existence.

Going off of that thought I have ceased to exist since 2014.

No one can imagine the terrible daily life I have been forced to live.

Even if you can hear what a person is thinking as they are thinking it – you CANNOT feel what it is like to live their experience.

P.S. In case you were wondering, I no longer wish to seduce you.  Any way, it should always be the man to take the lead and seduce the woman first.  But, you have lost that from me – if it was ever there at all.

Mental Abuse And Rape

Screamed at the top of my lungs for help until I was spitting up blood yesterday.

No help ever came just the same damn bullshit again.

I am so sick of this black and white bullshit I see everywhere I turn!

For me it has never been black and white nor will it ever be black and white no matter what someone tries to make my life be, no matter how anyone tries to trick and manipulate my surroundings it WILL NEVER BE BLACK AND WHITE – EVER!!!

No matter how anyone tries to make me believe – it will NEVER be the BACK SEAT – it will never be BLACK AND WHITE!!

I went to the dealership to have my car key replaced and straightened out.  I was simply trying to be out of the way from people who are either dosing me with air freshener or directing me as to how, where, and when I will drive, yet somehow I am always made to feel the loser.

Who knew my life would end the day I went to work for a store?!  But, that is what is what happened.

I worked for The Container Store for nearly two years.

It was just a store.  And, I bought into it.

I stuck-up for those persons I thought needed extra attention, motivation, love, and encouragement – I went out of my way to help persons who seemed to need it.

Because of my time employed and served at The Container Store my entire life has ended.

Because of what happened my last year there I had to sever all ties I had with any persons I had made friends with as a means to protect myself.

Beginning December 2013 I have not been able to have a single friend, or friendship, or relationship, or boyfriend.  I have not even been able to go into a store and have a conversation with anyone because EVERYONE treats me as if they already know me.

How could that possibly be?!

I cannot even drive down the street without being told and shown turn this street, drive this lane, park in this space.

How can that possibly be?!

What I am about to tell you seems unlikely, yet it is true.

I went to the dentist.  I was told I needed a root canal, for which I paid.  But what I received was more than porcelain enamel what I got was a receiver in my tooth that could and does relay what I am thinking to a “someone” I do not know.  More importantly, this person who is able to hear my thoughts is also able to return speech to my brain, relay pictures, and worse send pain in my body.

If you could possibly imagine that a person is able to hear a person’s thoughts you cannot possibly imagine how incredibly intimate that experience is to live through as I have had to endure more than two years of people – not just A person – but, many random people have used and abused my tooth radio.

If you think of it this way, if you know the story Twilight where the werewolves are able to hear each other’s thoughts it would be along the same lines.  However, unlike the Twilight story where the werewolves all know each other, know each other’s voices, and can hear, know, and understand who is talking in their head, I do not know who is in my head talking back to me and it changes all the time.

If you can imagine the possibility of someone talking and hearing your thoughts – I tell you again – it is SO MUCH MORE personal and intimate than having sex with someone.

You invite someone to have sex with you.  It is consensual.  I never have agreed, accepted, allowed, or in any way permitted anyone to hear my thoughts, be in my head, or have any control over my body – I’ll get to more of that later.

While working at The Container Store, I trusted every single person there.  So much so that I never even locked my locker while at work.  What happened, believe it or not, was that allowed persons to make copies of my keys, examine the contents of my purse including all of my credit cards, go through my phone, and worse still it gave them access to my house while I was at work.

How they did it all I cannot tell you.  I can tell you this, however the windows, ceiling, fans, and walls all make noises all on their own.  Dings, pings, booms, and bangs.  The televisions were able to see me while I was watching the television.  The ceiling exhaust fans seem to have a microphone to be able to hear and record what is going on in my house.  My internet and computer is watched and recorded.  The electricity is tapped into and manipulated.  The fire alarms have recording camera’s; the mirrors all have cameras in them as well.  I’ve done everything I could to cover up all cameras, recording devices and everything and anything that violates my privacy.

I am forced to live here because I cannot afford to live elsewhere.

I never agreed to live while being recorded, televised, or in any way shape or form listened in on, listened to while thinking, or document my life as it is happening, filmed or watched while driving, or in any way shape or form do I wish to be in the public eye, on television, in a movie, have a photo montage, or in any way shape or form have my life exploited.

I was made to believe that I was on television, a part of a movie, under contract and in fact going to be paid for my work – that has never happened.  How could it?!

I played along with it believing I was a part of something.  How could I do otherwise when they are able to control everything else that goes on around me.

I kept it a secret – so to speak – because I was unable to say – STOP!  I don’t WANT THIS!  Leave me alone!

EVERY single person I’ve spoken with even as a cashier at a store has had a name of someone I’ve previously known.

Again, I say, I have not been able to have a single friend, relationship, or boyfriend since 2013.

Can you imagine being able to live that long with a single friend, or communication of any sort with anyone beyond your own mind?!  It is like being in solitary confinement for all these years.  It is like working and being worked over 24 hours a day 365 days a year because even while I am sleeping someone is able to enter my mind and tell me things, and dreams that when I awake I know the difference that it is NOT my dreams or dreaming, to wake me and disturb my sleep.  Consequently, it is torture.

Could you possibly imagine what that would and could do to a person’s mental state?!

In addition, I have laid down on my bed, exhausted and worn-out trying to get sleep and rest, and have virtually been raped!

I have laid down on my bed and had the sensation of pressure on my body as though someone was laying on top of me, and as if someone was able to push a cum button where your body instantly and automatically makes you wet in that instant someone entered my mind, felt the pressure, I was made wet – NOT OF MY CHOSING!!!!!!!!!

Bodies are mechanical.  Just because you are made wet does NOT MEAN YOU WANT OR DESIRE IT!!!

I, in no way agreed, consented, wanted, or in any way shape or form wanted to be virtually fucked, have my thoughts listened to and receive what someone else was saying in return, have my house monitored, filmed or recorded in any way.

I have in no way EVER wanted to follow clues, be turned down and around certain paths and mazes, drive in endless circles, hear, listen and see coded messages, or have my grocery store shopping recorded.  Nor, did I ever give permission to have the purchases I’ve made been turned into a contest of who and which I would consume or wear.

I have gone along with it as long as I have because I believed it was a job.  I believed it was a job I was going to be paid.

I BELIEVED IT WAS GOING TO END!!!!

The latest thing that has happened is someone being able to push a pee button and drops of pee come out so my pants are made wet while I am working.  Then, they have also made it so my arms are filled with pins and needles sensation – it is the most painful.

I cannot imagine that I will have a job much longer once I have shared this with the internet.  But, who really cares when you are no longer able to have any sort of life whatsoever living virtually in solitary confinement.

After today, it was confirmation to me as I broke down from the sheer stress of just driving to UPS that I cannot and will not go back to work or continue living this life.

To go back a second, in March of 2014 I on three separate occasions dated a man I was not sexually attracted to, but wanting to have a life I dated him because I am a woman who needs a man in her life.  I knew there was something off about him once I met him.  However, due to an unfair advantage “they” have because of the tooth I continued (in misery) to date him on three separate occasions.  “He” was merely a stooge or a body as there was another person watching and monitoring the date(s) while in my home.  As I understand it, the dates went David, James, David.  So, ever since those horrible “dates” I have been in hell having to relive – is it, 1, 2 or 3 – every single FUCKING day while neither David or James talk or communicate in person to me as a friend or normal person.

It is nothing more than script being written daily with no MAN apart of my physically life.  Other than, this mind fucking that – AGAIN – I neither agreed to, consented, allowed, or in any way permitted to happen.

Consequently, I have had my entire life stolen.

I have even had imposters, or actors play the parts of my family.  On numerous occasions persons played the part of my mother.  Therefore, killing her as it severed all means of being able to communicate with her.  My own brother has been played by imposters and actors.  To my great horrification my father has used coded messages.  It is utterly humiliating.

Because of the tooth radio I’ve heard not from my natural voice and been called terrible names, put down, insulted, and made to feel worthless.

It has been a constant battle within my mind but NOT of my own choosing.

Therefore, I have not been able to have any sort of functioning life.  TWO plus years of not being able to have a single friend or conversation.  Every single conversation I’ve had has been direction as if they are part of a script or movie.  Even the bird noises outside my window are fake and canned and played on cue.

The depth of my sanity and endurance has reached its end as I have had too many mental breakdowns just trying to cope.

It has been as if I’ve lived in a virtual bubble since 2013 with no communication with the outside world.

Can you possibly imagine what that would be like to live through?!

In addition, I have said previously my own pets were used by means of silent whistles, etc. to pee, act inappropriately, destroy furniture and property, and cry as a means to humiliate, torture, and exhaust my mental state to which I had to surrender them to my brother.

I was even forced AGAINST MY WILL to not sit at my brother’s side at his own wedding which I believed to be faked and NOT A REAL wedding.  They might have a marriage certificate however, the person my brother is married to has been played by a different person each time I see him the size, shape, and color of him changes every time I see him.

Who could possibly go so many years without a single friend or even a boyfriend?!

It has been nothing but years of mental torture, rape and molestation, and my life stolen and taken away from me.

I will take the means necessary to be at peace.

I cannot continue playing along.

I understand there is no one to rescue me.

I understand this will not end.

But, I CANNOT continue to allow this to be my life when I am not even able to think and create my own thoughts, and my body is not my own to control.

The only thing that stopped me while I was screaming at the top of my lungs for help was missing the chance to tell people how terrible, violating, perverted, and forced upon me these last few years has been.  Otherwise, I was set to end my life.

No Life Here

What little men know about women.  They think one orgasm will save them from the brink of their own destruction.

Can you imagine what it would be like to have your internet connection hi-jacked and manipulated?!

Can you imagine what it would be like to live with someone else in control of your electricity, so they could make noises and keep you up while you are trying to sleep.  Buzz you through your ceiling fan?!

No one listens to me.

My poppa is not a part of my life as far as I am concerned.

So I have to do what I have to do in order to have some eternal relief.

Deadline Set

My bladder is so messed up today.

Right now, I am feeling I wished I had never worked for Home Depot before.

Can you imagine living a life where for more than two years you were not even able to have a single friend?!

Can you imagine a life where for more than two years you were not even able to go and have any kind of life besides work which was 24 hours a day even while you were sleeping?!

Living the way I have been made to live is like living in solitary confinement.