Category: Uncategorized

People change.  It can happen.

Of course, people are hard-wired from birth, however people can change.

I used to believe I wanted to act, or direct, or anything in the industry – it is just something I’ve done for many years now.  After, working at a store that viewpoint seems to have change permanently.

Being taught the degradation and abuse I would have to endure in order to participate or be involved with a movie, or television, or a role has proven too much for me.  It has crossed a line I cannot follow.  Proving to me it is not for me.  I mean, if you are more interested in killing yourself than being creative there is something wrong with the picture.

I had one of the worst days today at work.  Unable to continue the way my life has been controlled or manipulated since working for that store.

I feel I am stuck in a maze I can’t escape.

Who would want to continue playing that game?!

Not an actress – got it.

 

Both of you need to let me go.

It feels as if teams are trying to tear me apart.  Asking me to choose sides.

I am asking that both men let me go.

Yes, you both have your own life.  Please let me go.

No longer can I live this way.  If you ever thought I could you were mistaken.

Let me go.

Let me live.

The only way I know how to live is without either if you.

Both of you think it is ok and acceptable to speak without saying.  To have others speak for you.

I cannot live like that anymore.

It has been too long.

I am too tired.

I am too close to death to believe anymore.

Let me go.

 

Being led by a carrot, for years now, dangling the possibility of a man who wants me…and it has been too long.

Too much supposed fantasy that I am supposed to believe.

You have both left me alone for too long now.

From the day D left my life to go to FSU my world has never been the same.  I have missed him – everyday.  I am so happy for him.  I am so happy he has love and success in his life.

Who I am is different when I am around him.  He opens up a part of me just being near me.

I walked into a Starbucks one day and as soon as my eyes looked up, I swear I saw him.  It was just as natural as breathing, I started to walk over to him to say hello to an old friend.  But, as soon as I got within feet of him a wall shut down in front of me as I was reminded of the last time we communicated.  He told me I was crazy and delusional for knowing it was him on the street near my home.

See, I just wanted to know if he wanted to talk to me since he was so clearly aware of where I was and trying to see me.  But, when I confronted him he decided to deny it.  So, I went along with it and apologized for intruding on his life.

But, he kept reappearing.  Driving by on his motorcycle or in cars, I saw him all the time.  I knew it was him and I didn’t say anything until it became too much.  Then, I would contact him.  Did you want to talk?

Nothing.  Ever.  So, I stopped.

I learned he didn’t want to talk to me.  See, he could have told me he was happily married, and I would have been surprised but happy for him.  He was a friend before anything else.

I look back at a picture I have of us.  It was a cast photo and D bent down to have his face next to mine, and I instinctively grabbed his face and literally squealed with glee.  The best to me is not only the over-abundant joy and happiness his bending toward me had, but the look on other people’s faces in the picture.  As they are almost relieved with happiness.

D has meant the world to me.  At times when I have felt so absolutely alone, and abandoned it was his name and the thought of him that was whispered to me, comforted me.

But, I am tired of pretending.  I am tired of playing along.

J, I don’t believe you anymore.

You also have left me alone for too long.  Trying to make me believe in you while keeping me alone and unhappy while you got to carry on with your life – free as a bird.

Please, do me a favor and leave me alone.

I am happy for you.  I am happy for all the times I spoken with you and known you.

Go live your life.

I am a million miles away from you.  Our worlds will never align.  I mean it, please go.  Because I cannot continue to live like this.

God bless, please be happy without me.  As I know, you will be.

You see, I have just been left alone for too long now.

Left alone and surrounded by women.  No wonder I am miserable.

 

 

The other day I was thinking of what a terrible world this would be if there were no men in it.  Can you imagine?  Looking around would certainly be a lot less enjoyable.

Then, I realized that is my life these last few years.  There is nothing but women to either side of me with no men to be found.

No wonder I am not at home here.  I still feel like I am living in someone else’s house instead of feeling it is mine.

I can’t imagine a world without men.

I certainly would not be able to enjoy a world where there were no men.

 

 

It is so bad here.

I am still trying to get caught up from yesterday, as well as, the previous years.

I tell you what, I do not miss that pressure.

I miss my house.

Waking up this morning to the memory of the house I used to have that was mine.  Who am I kidding, I fell asleep remembering my house.

Back when I still believed in the reality of the possible.

Back before the illusions were not entirely stripped away from my mind and eyes and saw the deceptions, costuming, and falseness that I live in and around.

I miss my house.  Where I had space and privacy in my home.  The prying eyes that even existed then were farther away.  Where the birds and wildlife were real and not canned.

It was not much of a house.  It was not grand.  It was mine.

Yesterday I was reminded of a poem I wrote back in college.  My life the last several years people have read too much into it.  People thinking there is more written between the lines.  Instead, of the writing being just what it is – writing.

Back in college I took a Creative Writing class just to try it on for size.  I was working full-time, going to school part-time, trying to have a social-life, trying to live in between the other minutes left in the end of the day.  It was a tough time.

I cheated.

I was writing for an assignment and not for myself.  I was under a deadline, I had other classes that had demands on my time.  So, I did the best that I could.  I was doing homework while on my breaks at work just to get everything accomplished in the day.  At that time every minute of my day was filled.

The assignment was to write a poem.  I’d never written a poem in my life, and I knew very little about poetry.  I’d not read much – at that time – let alone read poetry.

There was a poem in my textbook, I think it was about Spring, so I wrote about Autumn.  The next line was about the wind, so I wrote something about the breeze.  If it was a color I changed the color.  If it was about a person I just changed it slightly.

From what I know of writers and writing now – this is not an uncommon practice.

It accomplished the task.  I received a grade, and it was a good grade.  But, to me the poem is like an artificial sweetener.  It tastes sweet, but there is an after taste.  And, honestly the taste and flavor are all wrong.  Artificial is never as good as the real thing.

In my writing, I know the difference even if others do not.

Plus, just to get this off my chest.  I refuse to be made to feel bad for writing at my desk where there is a desk, etc.

 

 

 

What a terrible day today!

A few things I remembered today the worst of all being an unforgiveable trespass on my soul was not sitting on my brother’s side at his wedding, however that is not what made today terrible.

I relinquished custody of my animals to my brother today.  They really were not even mine.  My animals died years ago.  Being a responsible and caring woman I had been taking care of them.

The problem is where I am living.  The house is not set up properly for me.  It hasn’t been since I arrived here.  It does not accommodate all the needs I have nor does it allow for my needs to be met.  For instance, I live so close to other people I am living over their spaces instead it all being my private house.

So, my animals in what seems like a purposeful tactic had been trained through silent whistles into behaviors such as crying, peeing, puking, etc. on command.  It had taken so much of my time, energy, and money to correct the problems every time it occurred I was brought to a breaking point.

I chose to live.

Some things simply never occur to me because my brain, my body, the way God made me, only works one way.

 

 

I have arrived at a decision.

Much has been made about my dating and sex life in the last few years.  In fact, it was everyone’s business at one of my jobs, which I can only tell you had such disastrous and devastating results I have sworn off on-line dating entirely.  I ending up dating men I was not even sexually attracted to just so that I could be dating, and be seen dating showing I was moving in a positive direction.

However, when you try dating – and worse still – sleeping with a man/men you are not even attracted to just because you want to be with a man, Ugh!  It is the worst.  Psychologically damaging.

I am in fact, quite old-fashioned.  I believe the man should approach the woman, ask her out, ask for her number, take charge, let her know he is interested, and so forth.

Well, so here is my decision: I have gone celibate.

I will not have sex in any form whether it is masturbation or sexual intercourse until I am in a committed monogamous relationship with a man who wants to actually be in a relationship with me.

Since, I practically repulse all men as has been my experience in the last few years. Those that I do not repulse are already married or committed, I most certainly seal the doom on ever having sex again for the rest of my natural life.

As sad and terrible, or even pathetic as that may sound, I was pushed well beyond while at work today.  It was either give up sex entirely or kill myself.  What would you choose?  Yes, it was that bad at work.  Actually, is was so much worse than I can could ever explain.

I can’t help it that men don’t find me attractive.  I can’t help it that I am only attracted to men.

What’s worse is I feel I am constantly surrounded by nothing but women.

Worse still, the man of my dreams could stop and talk to me, and I might even walk on by – such has been the very bad abuse I’ve endured these last few years.

Such is my doom.

Mother’s Day is almost here.  How did this happen?  I mean, I can’t believe it’s May already.  I live in a sort of bubble.  Sorta a place they send discounted items trying to figure out what to do with them – that’s what it feels like anyway.

Plus, if you’ve spent time in hospitals or nursing homes time becomes meaningless as disease, sickness, and pain keep no schedule.  Soon you become consumed  with feeding the meter of health trying to fill it up whole again.

When I placed my mother in a skilled nursing facility I had already spent months disconnecting the force of will I used to keep myself going for her care, as well as, allowing her mortality instead of her recovery become reality for me.

Her birthday was a few days after we sent her to live in a nursing home.  Some shitty daughter I am, right?!  Then, Mother’s Day shortly after, and I waited to visit until both days had passed.  I found her in a wheelchair wandering the hallways.  Pulling herself along the handrails of the walls – out of her mind.

She looked up at me as a stranger, her eyes were filled with enraged anger.  I almost didn’t recognize her.  She was no longer herself.  She was a million miles away.  Locked inside her stroke-ridden mind.  As angry as she was , I could see she was also fighting.  The anger was a fight in her mind, her stroke, and with the staff.

I could see in her what spoke of: How can you do this to me?  Don’t you know I am still here?  Can’t you see I am still a person?  If you would just talk to me you would know my mind is still here.

Once she recognized me – she returned.

It was hard for me to leave the nursing home that day.  How responsible I felt.  How guilty I felt.

How responsible I still feel.  How guilty I still feel.