Category: Uncategorized

Imagine a world where you did not have the power to say no.

Imagine a place without the ability to say no.

No is a powerful word.

Just two letters, but its meaning is definite.

Imagine a world where you cried NO, and screamed NO, and begged NO, and pleaded for an end.  But, it never stopped.

Imagine a world where you were blind-folded, bound to a bed and passed around from man to man, person to person never knowing who was touching you with no control over your own orgasm, or privacy, or control over who was watching you as it happened.

Imagine a world where a person had the means to push a button and make you cum on command.

Imagine a world where a person – without your knowledge or permission – could touch every personal and private part of your body along with every other part of your body without the ability to stop it or deny the access.

Imagine if you were placed on display in front of the whole world as random and various people poked and prodded your body just so they could watch you.

Imagine a world where you could tell no one as you were being invaded and raped because how else could you see it when it constantly changed from hand to hand and you could never see the other side or person.

Imagine never being able to have friends, or family, or relationships ever again.

Imagine being absolutely alone while being surrounded by people.

Imagine never being able to eat with other people.

Imagine what it would be like to have access denied to stores and business.

Imagine being unable to seek employment of your choice.

Imagine having people placed in front of you taking away your control and power of choice as they showed you the only thing you were allowed to do.

Imagine never being clean again.

Imagine never being able to shower or bathe again.

Imagine never being able to wash your clothes.

Imagine every time you took a shower someone was watching you.

Imagine every time you used soap it never washed off, it stayed in your crotch screaming at you.  So, every moment of your life is SCREAMING – CROTCH, VAGINA, CROTCH, VAGINA, CROTCH, VAGINA every moment of your day.

Imagine being unable to live where you choose or want.

Imagine being unable to choose your own path or driving route to work.

Imagine your own family doctor you’ve known for more than twenty years is replaced by a television actor denying you access to medical care.

Imagine your mother and brother are replaced by actors denying you family connection and relationship.

Imagine you said no.

Imagine you said no millions of times.

Imagine you kept screaming no, and you had no means to stop it.

Imagine wanting to kill yourself every day just so it would end.

Imagine never being able to have a personal thought ever again.

Imagine doing what your told as your told, then being treated as a slave.

Imagine telling people for years and years of the abuse, of the torture, screaming for an end to something you never wanted, and never being heard, and having no one to act upon your behalf.

Imagine time and time again someone, something being placed in front of you taking away your power to choose and free will.

Imagine never being allowed to sleep again.

Imagine not being allowed and able to have the power of when and where to sleep.

Imagine having the power of choice being taken away from you.

Imagine being hypnotized, drugged, and your brain scoured for memories and people, stealing your right and power to have your own memories.

Imagine never being able to walk outside again.

Imagine never being able to go outside again.

Imagine a life and a world where you were never able to love again.

Imagine living without love.

Imagine a life where you could never be allowed to love a man and never be allowed to live as husband and wife – ever.

Imagine being treated as a sex slave, forced and told when to get off or else.

Imagine how you would feel about sex and your own body after being treated as such.

Imagine years and years and years of this sort of life.

Imagine it was your employer who blindfolded you and bound you to your bed.

Imagine never being able to tell anyone.

Imagine never being able to scream as someone probed your anus in front of an audience or even in your own home.

Imagine your home is a television set without one moment where someone isn’t watching.

Imagine every time you left your home someone came behind you to alter, hurt, and destroy your hope, trust, violating the sanctity of your private home.

Imagine never being allowed to choose your own clothing, groceries, stores to purchase from, or gas stations.

Imagine a life where all power to choose is taken away from you.

Imagine emotionally starving to death from a lack of physical intimacy.

Imagine a life without free will.

Imagine being gutted as a pig to be used as a human test subject.

Imagine your employer – regardless of where you worked – set you up for failure, treating you less than equal to every other worker, never promoting you, helping you, or giving you a raise.

Imagine your employer, or neighbor, or neighborhood purposefully hurting and harming you for laughs by entering your home and vehicle to watch as you cried, were hurt and harmed, doused and abused.

If you can imagine every single one of these things happening to you.  If you can imagine with pure empathy how it could feel living like this you might for one moment have the smallest ounce of what it might feel like to be me.

It is about time I was ahead of schedule rather than running late, holding up production, and traffic.  I apologize if it is a disappointment to see me as I choose rather than the predictable.  Some thing everyone should know, I see with more than my eyes.  I will not go back to being blinded and blurred as someone else’s joke.

And, I am sorry.

Sorry, but I was here before any of you showed up.  I was here before I saw anyone.  I was here before I handed in my glasses, drove my car, walked or ran down a path.  I was here first.  And, I have been here for a while.

Also, I am sorry because I no longer feel joy.  It has been more years than you have known me that I have felt any real joy.  My laughter has left me.  I am sorry because it means you are missing something most spectacular.

Sorry that my stories, my dreams, my plans have been on hold for some time now.  Sorry that you only get to see or experience a stilted and unfulfilled me.

Sorry that the heart of me that I used to see bigger than my own body extending feet and feet around me in every direction has lost its fulfilling purpose, burst, and shriveled into nothing.

Sorry because I cannot keep the trolls away who enter my home without permission and tamper with my appliances, soaps, garage door, my locks, my furniture, and in each of these acts they take away parts of me that cannot be replaced.

So, the Cherith that fought against time, pain, and illness so that every American could have freedom has diminished into less.

Sorry, because if you got to read and know the stories I have already lived before I knew you, or the people who helped me, loved me, shared time with me, and knew me – would leave you different and changed – I know this with great certainty.  But, time and money have other plans for me which I seem unable to change.

I once wrote: Sometimes it is hard to know what the right thing to do is, but when you know what the right thing to do is – it is hard not to do the right thing.

Another way to have fried rice.

The day after fried rice is so good.  I take fried rice, cook it in butter until the starch is cooked out which leaves a nice sear.  Then, you stir in eggs which gives you chunky white bits and not just a solid yellow egg in the dish.  I top it with fresh green onion, tomato, salsa, and salt and pepper.

It is fantastic to have as breakfast or any other meal.

So delicious.

Make no mistake Midget, Panera that day was all me – and, only me.

I call him Midget – as they say, be cruel to be kind.

Spending years on the cruel side of having a belief in a man, thinking and believing it was possible to reconcile the distance and separation, then having him end and sever that possibility so completely there is no going back.  David has taught me an important lesson for I now know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of unwanted attention.

I met up with Midget at Panera.  I didn’t want to show up.  I did not trust him, nor did I trust the meeting place.  I was suspicious.  True to my instincts, standing in line at Panera I saw David sitting down at a table with people.  So, I took my food and Midget outside to avoid him.

Proving I was and I am greater than either of those men, I put on a great performance.  So that David would know he no longer held a place in my heart.  So that Midget would know he was no match for me.  I was riffing, speaking zingers faster and funnier than anyone on the planet.

Panera was all me and no one else.

Are you one of these sleepers?  I am.

I am a heavy sleeper, tune out the world, unplug my brain, I-need-my-beauty-sleep-sleeper.

God bless those sleepers who wake up perky.  Bounding out of bed full of life and energy.  It is a gift from God, I think.  Something God gave them at birth.  I don’t believe anyone can learn how to wake up full of energy.

My awake brain has a long meter before it is fully functional.  If you try to wake me, I will start swinging – true story.  Growling and throwing punches like a hibernating Mamma bear protecting myself and others from the intruder(s).

I need that sleep just as I need the rest as well.  It is the best and only way to power up my mind, body, and spirit.

And, I cannot abide being baby-sat.  I do not need any ghostly visitors or companions.  Enough said on that matter for now.

Face-plant.  Zzzzzzzzzzz.

Master of my own sea, isn’t that a great thing!  I think so.

Just like the glass on my windows – art is not at work here.  It simply doesn’t deliver the results worth seeing.  Writing is the best way I am able to share the deep complexities, simple understandings, wisdom, knowledge, and memories worth believing in.

Yummy, Lemon Criss-Cross cookies served with a proper pot of orange Ceylon (Ceylon is my favorite, story to follow) tea, making sure you warm the pot before adding the hot water.  The tea must be made strong enough to stand up to the sugar – I prefer it raw, less chemicals – and evaporated milk.  It drinks like liquid caramel.  Plus, my chewy gingersnap cookies served with strong coffee either brewed, latte, or a cappuccino.  Same as with tea, coffee must be strong enough for the cream and sugar.

I am desperate for real food, flavor, and variety!

I am tired of having the same thing over and over and over again.  I want to create my own menu saving the leftovers, so I can save my money for other things – like, new clothes among other things.

Splat!  I just face-planted asleep on the floor for I am that tired.

My eyes are swollen shut from fatigue tell the story I am not allowed to say.  Trying to sleep with undigested food in my bad belly.  I am miserable.

Random man # 1,372,594,508,263,940,264,558,302,713,647,493,493,720, I am sick of being passed around like some plastic vagina to play with.  Here’s a toy you play with her, now it’s your turn, now you play with her, and so on.  I will never believe – in that way – unless it is made real.  I have been tricked too many times for someone else’s sport and pleasure.

It was supposed to be Nanaimo bars and espresso, but I can barely move.

Drop the mic.

Boom.

The end.

I wanted to mention something about For The First Time piece I posted recently.  I am glad I was able to write it in 2012 when I did because I am completely removed from all feeling, memories, details and associations from the time in my life when I cared for my mother.  I find it very hard to recall memories anymore with any feeling other than extreme anger.

I wanted to write my 9/11 piece, my Master Class piece, the Rules piece, and so many others.  I have bulletin boards full of story board ideas that are something I actually want to get out of myself.  But, there is only so much time in the day.  I have to clean my house, mop and vacuum the floors, do laundry without a dryer because some trolls came in my house and ruined the appliance, and I do not have the ability to get on the roof.  So, now I have to hire someone?!  Great!  I have to do the dishes, clean my kitchen, get groceries which takes hours and hours – is this ok?  Should it be this one?  Is this cheaper?  Is someone going to think something if I order this or that or the other?!  And, I need variety!!  Not to mention the fun of taking a shower in my house – forget being able to relax in the tub, can’t do that!  Washing myself over and over and still not clean – more trolls!  Washing my hair in the sink because of the trolls!  Plus, I am fucking tired, spent, worn out like I am stuck on a deserted island without shelter or food.  And, if it going to be used every day, then the work I do four it is not goofing around.  I still haven’t been able to unplug my head and brain.  And get this – ok, I was kept up instead of being able to sleep.  At least once a week this happens – recently it has been more than that – where I am kept up all night, all day, and all night again.  You try keeping that up after so many years!

Plus, I have cats to take care of which involves more than giving them food and water, and cleaning their litter.  I have to spend time with them, play with them, give them kisses and kisses and kisses and kisses, call them by their names, so they know I am their Cherith.

I want to do this correctly and add this to the smile series, but I do not have time.  And, if I do not even mention it then I am reminded of it constantly like an iron left plugged in.  I think it was Crash I saw first, and from then on I wanted to see anything Paul Haggis wrote.  I wanted to learn from him.  Amazing.

Did you know Marc Anthony delivered my first computer?

Dwayne Johnson – what a wonderful ball of energy he is.  No phony bull-shit about him.  I don’t think he tolerates it around him.

Jack Black – sorry, I am so broke I cannot afford music within the last ten years or so.  Thank you for putting up with my playlist.

Michelle Monaghan – due to time constraints I could not finish watching Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.  However, I have seen it before.

I sure hope Neal Patrick Harris is still not gathering the carts outside The Home Depot.

Jason Segel – can I recall all the times?  At Publix with a child wearing a football uniform, check-out at The Home Depot, in front of Bright House, walking with a ball cap.  He is a genuinely nice and pleasant man.

Reading the newspaper are we still Robert Downey Jr.?

I have to go before my brain crashes on this desk – tired.