WE – DO NOT AGREE!

I would like someone to explain to me how this can happen.  How it possible for this to happen to anyone.  At the moment I am unable to finish that line of thinking.

I miss daylight.  I miss being up with the sun and sleeping at night.  I miss being able to be outside.  I miss being able to go running outside.  I miss being able to have friends.  I would say I miss dating, but none of those dates were real, or memorable, or exciting, or real romance.  Yet, at the moment I want nothing more than rest, and leave the world behind.

I could go on for an eternity describing and sharing all of the celebrity sightings which I still to this day do not understand why they’ve been placed in front of me.

What I see anymore are people who are doing work they want to do.  I will have to address the rest of that thought another time.

At the moment I am stomach sick.  It is the only way to describe it.

I will have to rewrite my literary journey again since it is gone from my last blog.  It would flood these previous years, and cast new light on previously held perceptions.  Not every person has God moments.  Not every person can see, feel, and understand a writer just from reading their work.  Not every person sees the world not as it is, but what is beyond, what it can be, what it should be, and what is yet to be.

Let me explain something.  I went over this in my previous blog.  Climbing Fences.  There was a story told often to me.  My brother was like Dennis the Menace being able to roam about the neighborhood without getting dirty, or like he had gone anywhere at all.  I wanted to go where my brother went.  I wanted to be with the boys.  I was not a doll-playing girl.  I wanted to know and be with the boys.  What are they doing?  Where are they going?  How are they doing that?  And, so on.

The story is, I went following after my brother only to return home quickly with splinters covering my hands.  I wasn’t able to climb the fence.  I must have been more than a sight since it was retold to me so often.

I wanted to know what was on the other side.  It is a state of mind that has never left me.  I want to know.  I want to know everything I can before I no longer am able.  What’s wrong with that?

New Orleans, LA: I was hungry.  Imagine that.  I could not decide which restaurant to eat at.  I sat down at the bar of the small restaurant I chose.  Red-headed man behind the bar looked to his left as he was describing the specials saying, I’m a little busy.  A gay-pride flag on the wall, so I moved to a table.  No offense.  I shouldn’t have to live like this.  I honestly, have no idea what that would have meant at all.  Since, it does not enter my equation at all.  He spoke quickly and the fried soft-shelled crab sandwich is what I remember.  I did not order it.  The idea of eating shell did not appeal to me.

Excuse me, I have such indigestion it’s embarrassing.  I cannot begin to describe how bad I feel at the moment.  My brain is fading quickly.  This bad food because of my driving route is killing my brain power, not to mention the pressure washing bringing me down, and depressing me.

I stopped for gas on my way to New Orleans in 2015.  A bright, smiling, serene man was just standing on the corner who looked like Steven Spielberg.

CJ’s Sandwich shop: Jude Law behind me at checkout.  Also, at Disney near the front lobby area.

A few days off feel like nothing at all.

02/02/2018

19:14

Answering the phone while working at Home Depot walking down the aisle of door locks I listened to a voice who told me without saying the actual words that he wanted me to go back to K-Mart.

Perplexed.

I was in desperate need of clothing at the time.  I had less than a handful of clothing items to wear.  To this day I do not understand the reasoning behind it.  To this day I do not understand why Adam Levine would call me at my employment, disguise his voice, and then ask me in no uncertain terms was I to have or wear the jeans I purchased at K-Mart with his logo on them.

I did what I was told to do.

Interesting note, The New York Times: I read about Maroon 5 – playing in art houses and galleries trying to get noticed before they were Maroon 5 – in the New York Times which I used to have delivered in PC.  I wanted to know and read about what was going on in the world beyond the corners of my small town.  I used to take the paper with me to the chiropractor’s office.

Also, I read about Jim Baker’s son starting a church full of non-stereotypical Christians wearing tattoos, piercings, with punk hair and clothing.  I met Jim Baker’s son when I was working at WORSHIP.

While working on the Obama campaign I attended an event as staff, Republicans For Obama, at Sun City Center.  There were reporters covering the event.  I woman with a made up name for Creative Loafing, and a man.  John Cock-something-or-other for The Tampa Tribune.  He was a real reporter, staring at me with dubious eyes.  She was a fraud playing a part.

As all my paperwork and computers have been gone through any person could have done the work and placed the pieces together.

I have done for years now, what I was told to do.  Since, I have been made to feel and believe that others and the world believe that I am a bad person, immoral, and a pervert.  I have continually with exceptional effort gone out of my way to prove I am not the person they project on to me.  My voice, my choice, my rights have been taken away from me.

I did what I was told to do.  For years.  And, I have been treated to cruelty, punishments, forced masturbation’s, sickness, and a total lack of privacy.

The forced masturbation’s are nothing more than a prostitution ring.  Random men, or random persons – for I am not able to SEE the other person viewing me naked, watching me masturbate, taking a shower, going to the toilet, walking around my house, driving, or any other mundane activity.

Can you imagine your own daughter being treated to cloaked, invisible, and disguised men watching your naked daughter?  Can you imagine your own daughter being watched by random men as she is bathing herself?  Can you imagine your own daughter being pushed and forced into masturbating in front of random men?  Can you imagine your own daughter being locked, confined, forced against her will into a sex ring?

What if it was a female co-worker?  Or young girl?  Or a female teen-ager?  Or neighbor down the street?  Or the cashier that helped you in a store?  Or a woman you saw walking down a street?  Or a woman you saw driving down the road?

Would it be acceptable to you if it happened to any of these women?

So, why is it acceptable for it to happen to me?

I did what I was told to do.

Again, I repeat.  I have no idea who is on the other side of my vision, or glass.  I am not able to see the other person.  It could be anyone for all I know.  Words spoken mean nothing because it cannot be proven who is on the other side.

Is there a log book kept of entry and exit?  Is there a time stamp?  Is there documentation of any sort on the other side other than myself telling the world – this exists.

I did what I was told to do.

So, I went to see a movie.  After only two hours of sleep, I was not able to do everything on the check list, and get to the movie when I wanted to.  I missed a lot.  What I did do specifically was wear a t-shit that reads, No Means No in black and white for all the world to read and see.  I chose black and white because I should be the only person to decide what man I want in my bed.

Again, I repeat – I am not “Erin’s” daughter.

I specifically wore my Nike shoes because it was David Wolfe disguised as Alfredo Cruz at TCS holding the green crunch can excitedly pleading me with his eyes.  Which is why I also wore my David jeans.

I did what I was told to do.

I have looked when told to.  I have returned items when told to.  I have driven when told to.  I have gone places when told to.  I have bought things when told to.  I have purchased things when told to.  I have masturbated when told to.

ENOUGH!

The whole reason ANY of this is going on now is because of ME!

My brother’s KIA that I used to drive my mother in every day singing as I went to relieve the stress and take me away from the confines of my life had hidden microphones in it just like my vehicle now.  They created that collision, so that I would be a slave to my car payment.  Because I was free and clear in my Toyota.

I did what I was told to do.

I saw Vanessa Redgrave behind me while listening to the radio and singing along to the music, so I could get some energy out.  Are the lyrics an exact reflection of my mind, thoughts, and beliefs?  No.  They are not.  They are someone else’s lyrics.  Five Finger Death Punch, singing about washing it all away.  I sang along, and I was punished, and treated to a vicious attack on my hands, body, and mind.  My faucets in my own home.  The filters in my faucets were treated to viruses is the best way I can describe it, so that my hands were covered with painful, prickly sores.  So, when I brushed my teeth, my toothbrush, my mouth was also infested from the inside out.  Because I dared to choose and turn at red.  My red.  My red which the Bluetooth knows and is aware of – is David.

There you are, echoing in my head after the visual.

I did and have done what I’ve been told to do.

So, I wore those shoes in protest to the virus attack and event which robbed me of my creativity, my humanity, my hands, my health, and the time it took to heal.

All because I dared to use my eyes.  All because I sang along to a song.

So, just like in A Few Good Men, I wore my shoes in protest to bring justice to what should never have taken place to begin with.

Also, I am the ONLY one who spends every day off and free time – WORKING.  For free.

20:17

edited: I woke up at 18:30, made my breakfast.  Yet have not been able to eat it – working.

20:55

 

July 6, 2017

To Jeremy Renner

Flip-flops,

First let me say this: this is me speaking to you directly.  What I will write here is not to be taken literally and used in my place.  I will be speaking to you here for your understanding since I have heard in my head which I believed was Jeremy Renner’s voice that there are things he did not understand, nor was he aware of everything that has gone on and been done.  Also, I need you to understand where I am coming from, who I am at the moment, and how past events have caused me to do certain behaviors.

I addressed this to Jeremy Renner because I am not afraid of speaking to you as a person as I was not afraid to approach you and start a conversation about nothing at that rest area.  I’ve called you Flip-flops in part because you were wearing them and I have a habit of giving people nicknames.  However, I did not call you Flip-flops as some code, or coded message.  It is just a nick name.  Understand this: I will not be writing or speaking here in anyway as any code, double meaning, or secret form of communication.  I simply cannot live my life trying to keep that up.  Plus, it takes too much time and there is a great deal (again, not a code – just a word) I need to share with you.  This computer is not the place for any sign or signal unless I communicate it specifically otherwise.

Waking up today again I feel as if a very heavy medicine ball is stuck in my gut, and generally heavy and lifeless.  This should tell you there is a problem when at the drop of a dime I can fall asleep immediately and for hours, then barely manage to get out of bed and wake-up.  I have been living at such a high volume for so many years now the toll it has taken on my body and my mind is tremendous.  I cannot continue the way everything has been set-up previously.

Due to the events that took control over my hands and faucet, I have been sent into an even greater depression.  It has caused me to cease my writings of any kind other than to you mostly because I do not have a choice given the circumstances at      .  At this point, I am so depressed, tired, bloated, and weary I do not have a time line where I feel I might continue.  For me, this has been one of the greatest problems – my inability to have control over my own involvement.

Can you possibly imagine how difficult it is to think, and speak in your head, and do a task, while looking around, processing what you see, store it in your head because you cannot think on it at the time, find the ones who are different from the others, see past the disguise, know when it the real person in a disguise, and when it is the proxy, oh yeah, all the while appearing normal as if none of it is taking place?  I am not even sure that is everything I do in a single second.  Plus, have a regular everyday life?  Can you imagine the toll it takes on the body to be at such a high level of awareness every minute of every day?

Can you imagine how depressing it is to discover that they entered my home without my permission took inventory of my outfits, planted germs on my clothing, and I’m not even sure that is everything that occurred?

Do you know that when I got home from work July 4^th morning from my Monday shift I sat on my stairs to take off my shoes, then curled into a fetal position and fell asleep for about 15 minutes.  Too tired to even move further.  This is not the first time that has happened to me since all of this started.  I’ve even come home from work taken a shower – to wash off work – and went straight to bed without eating or drinking or drying my hair even.  That kind of exhaustion is more than a hard or difficult job.  To me, that speaks volumes.  People have been aware that I have and are that depleted and exhausted.

I started punching          at the creative           so that I could have creative control.  FYI, it only makes sense for lunch                        t.  In this way, I hope this will allow for no Master of any kind, thus allow me variety in so many things including being able to drink out of whichever container I choose.

Since, so much of this is based upon what I have witnessed, seen, and experienced I feel I need to share.

• Do you know that I knew something was wrong on my first day at TCS when I saw and met Jamie? It was a red-flag for me and I knew something was wrong.
• Do you know I was suspicious when the interview and onboarding for TCS was held at a hotel?
• Do you know when Bill started working at TCS said he was an artist, etc, and touched me on my arm somewhere I was immediately creeped out? I thought he was gay – no judgement – but, thoroughly grossed and creeped out.
• Do you know that I knew I was speaking to Jada Pinkett-Smith as a TSA person at the about the weather?
• Do you know I knew it was Jeff Daniels at Home Depot as he tried to hand me something I saw in him such deep kindness it was beautiful?
• Do you know that I knew that was David with the chain around his neck standing by the Super 8 Motel in Canada?
• Do you know I knew it was David walking past me on the airplane wearing a slight moustache and walking with an early teen-ager wearing a pink t-shirt?
• Do you know I knew that was Hugo Weaving I saw in front of          and saw the loveliness of him in a moment?
• Do you know I knew it was James/Rick sitting down laughing at me when he said I guess we have to find a new hip replacement? And, yes that Edison person was never valid.
• Do you know the devastation it caused upon learning the deception of dating Edison caused? When it occurred to me, when I discovered the reason why everything about that experience was so wrong, do you know I literally died, and no longer was I able to be the Cherith I was before.
• Do you know that because of that dating experience, because of that year of dating experiences I will never be able to feel the same way about David Wolfe again, that I never want to have anything to do with James Franco again, that I never wish to see or know anything about Adrian Grenier ever again?!
• Do you know that because of the Edison experience my heart literally stopped breathing?
• Do you know the horrification of the Edison experience turned the light off that used to glow within me?
• Do you know I knew that it was Rob Drydek as Marvin who was laughing at me at TCS saying how ridiculous it was that I believed TCS was not a real store?
• Do you know I knew it was Edison as Marvin talking about Guardians of the Galaxy – which is why I never wanted to see the movie?
• Do you know I knew it was Keanu Reeves I spoke with on the phone at TCS about designing an office for his family and kids?
• Do you know I knew it was Keanu Reeves as Alfredo when I told him what a Keanu Reeves fan I was in reference to 47 Ronin?
• Do you know I knew it was David Wolfe with Courtney at Applebee’s which is why I walked out and didn’t approach him?
• Do you know I knew I was speaking with David Wolfe on the phone at Disney about Isaiah Washington and the Old Spice commercial?
• Do you know I believed I was speaking with Dustin Hoffman at Brandon mall in front of the candy store and he told me I killed it on the walkway?
• Do you know I knew it was Eddie Murphy laughing at me while I ordered French fries at Alfredo’s?
• Do you know I will always love those clouds? I cannot believe how they do it.  I love the texture and the colors and the beautiful shapes.
• Do you know I think it is completely unfair to not allow me to get another   ?
• Do you know I believe David Wolfe was used as bait to get me to       ?
• Do you know I believe it is unfair to trick and manipulate my food? Do you know I believe it is unfair that I do not get to have control over my own life?
• Do you know I believe it is unfair to allow this fake reality to not come to an end when I want it to end and never wanted it to begin with?
• Do you know all I wanted to do after placing my mother in a nursing home was start a new chapter of my life? I wanted to do nothing more than write if nothing more than a way to process the years of my life, the stress, the grief, the past terrible men who proclaimed love for me only to abuse me.  However, once here I could not understand why all of a sudden, I was afraid of being locked out of my home.  Why all of a sudden, I could no longer write or even feel comfortable in my own home?  As if the very walls conspired against me every day.
• Do you know, I was aware of the camera being placed in my dash when I went to Firestone to fix the nail (or something) in my tire?
• Do you know I believe it is unfair that I am not able to use my coffee maker because anytime I’ve purchased coffee filter’s they have been doped and drugged? Perhaps as a way of forcing me to purchase a permanent coffee filter instead.
• Do you know I believe it is unfair to manipulate me into purchases by playing tricks on me?
• Do you know that because of all the pressure washer and tricks, pranks, and problems to figure out I am unable to take care of myself and it keeps me in constant depression?
• Do you know that if my brother had only listened to me he would be in a better place employment-wise, financially, and emotionally? He had job offers from San Diego State University and University of Birmingham Tuscaloosa after graduating with his Ph. D.  San Diego wanted him to teach more classes and less time for writing.  U of A wanted him to write to get published and offered less classes to teach.  He chose U of A.  However, once he got to Alabama he became depressed and discovered that writing was not what he wanted to do, he enjoyed teaching more.  And, my brother is a good teacher.  He is one of those teacher’s that students enjoy.  Do you know how rare that is to be a teacher your students like?  Had he gone to San Diego he would still be employed, I believe (U of A did not renew his contract), he would have real estate that would have increased in value many times over.  This is just an example of why men should listen to me more.
• Do you know Reg was one of my favorite teacher’s? He is the one I spoke with about David Wolfe.  How when David went away to FSU I no longer enjoyed going and being involved with HCC.
• Do you know I do not pray any more since discovering my brain in shared and invaded upon? I am no longer able to speak to God directly and that middle man is always in the way.
• Do you know I have often suspected who the doctor/nurse (James Franco) was that I spoke with before my surgery? Char was extremely anxious and unusual given the circumstance.  He said something to me that stuck out.  He said I must not have a job when finding out that I worked-out six days a week.
• Do you know on the way to Moffitt I saw David Wolfe riding a motorcycle in the opposite direction? An African-American man behind the wheel of an orange Dodge with an Obama sticker driving in front of me.
• Do you know I would love to be able to tell someone all the times I’ve been drugged? Tammy drugged me, “Erin” drugged me, James Franco delivered doped alcohol, at the bar in Key West, I’m not sure who drugged me at a Beer and Bourbon fest I went to in Tampa.
• Do you know I believe it is unfair that all these years I am not able to make or create any new memories, meet any new people, or lead my own life, and move on from everything?
• Do you know the reason I displayed my pile of bills and how-to bankruptcy was because I thought it was so unfair to take advantage of me given my financial situation? I wanted people to know I was broke as hell.  I wanted people to know I was so very unhappy with being watched at my home.
• Do you know I cannot believe Disney allowed themselves to become involved with what happened at my employment there the second time around?
• Do you know the reason I covered up my radio was due to the last embarrassment and humiliation? I covered up the camera in the radio to make a point about my complete hurt and disappointment in being made a laughingstock.
• Do you know I fell in love (artistically speaking) with the purchase of my first Apple shuffle?
• Do you I wouldn’t care if this fake reality all ended tomorrow?
• Do you know that more than acting, writing, directing, singing, or anything else I just want my life back?
• Do you know that with all this buying and returning nonsense it has kept me from being able to live, it has kept me in depression, not allowed me to move on in my life, not allowed me to be alive in any way, it has not allowed me to plan my life, have goals, or make plans for the future?
• Do you have any idea how hard and stressful that 10       is?
• Do you know that I believe I will live in Ireland someday?
• Do you know I would love to live in Paris or France sometime?
• Do you know David Wolfe used to call me while I was working at Disney and talk to me about movies?
• Do you know I will always regret giving Creggan my cats thinking he was going to take care of them?
• Do you know it is a stab in the heart every time I see the image of me putting them in their crates?
• Do you know I believe I should not have ever allowed Creggan to take guardianship of my mother since I know now how I’ve been deceived by him?
• Do you know I have never been able to grieve – even now – for my mother?
• Do you know I miss my house every day?
• Do you know how much I miss my freedom of choice?
• Do you know that because of the faucets problem I don’t know if I can ever use the faucets again?
• Do you have any idea what is like for me to have people hurt me like they did with my hands and not be able to say anything to anyone or to even be ALLOWED to be upset about it?!!!!!!!
• Do you know the only reason I called my savings account nest is because that is what a retirement is supposed to be?

 

Do you know I could go on for years about all the, do you know’s?

I would love to be able to continue writing to you about Thank-you’s for those I see, but just like at TCS – perhaps it is the Cat’s fault, I don’t know for certain who if it is even just one person to place the blame – my writing is taken away from me.  It literally destroys a part of my soul to have tricks played on me, no exaggeration.  When I stopped my blog at TCS I literally stopped expanding my mind.  Instead of becoming smarter and wiser over the years, I have become dumber not wiser.

I know, my employment at       started out as a series about Twilight between Edward/James and Jacob/David.  For me, this storyline played itself out years ago.  The only reason I kept reading Twilight while employed at Disney was because I wanted the privacy of my brain back.

The water fountain purchase – I used to have the exact same water fountain before I moved here.  I purchased it again only because it is easier.

The black and white t-shirt I purchased is not a slight against Mr. Jeremy Renner even though he did steer me toward the green steps that have caused me a great deal of humiliation.  I purchased the t-shirt in the color because people have ruined my life by taking away my freedom of choice, by turning my world of seeing beautiful, positive things about and for people and turning into a matter of black and white, of fat and skinny, of non-color, of such horrible humiliation.  I care nothing for Adrian Grenier.  My purchase was not in any way for Mexico.  Quite frankly, I find the literal translation of my groceries and purchases to be small-thinking.  I find it to be a lack of creative thinking.

Jerry’s bar –  for clarification the reason I painted the wall was just to see how it would look, however I do not like the finish on the wall or for a wall.  When I have a chance, I will change it.

It is better for me when there are no cars parked in driveways.

Please fire Ben Q end of discussion!

I have been screaming for years that it was never that Cat which I sometimes wondered if it wasn’t a man dressed as a woman, or Edison.  Not ever!!  I was so relieved when Edison left my life!  The best thing I heard in my head for a while now was hearing, say good-bye.  Seeing Jeremy Renner disguised as an overweight black man telling me in my head to say good-bye to the person in front of me which was the same Cat/Edison creepy person repeated over and over.  I have been doing nothing but trying to get away from him.  I have been saying it for years!!!!  No one listens to me.

I had to start using      because of the tv cameras in front of the stores, and I was air-forced out of them.  It has been such a time saver in that driving is such a burden it is a different kind of pressure and stress.  However, having to figure what food is bad and being treated as a guinea pig is torture.  Unfortunately, that was happening even when I went into the stores to purchase food.  I want creative control over my purchases.  There is an abuse that happens with          .

When I am placed in front of televisions it has caused weight gain, it has opened my home to the world – which I have never wanted, it has been a form of control.  Which is why I go to great lengths to avoid televisions at all costs.  I simply can’t do that anymore.

I understand it is being asked of me to watch the Spider-man movie, however I am so hurt, appalled, humiliated by James Franco and every virtual experience that has occurred with him, with every meeting and memory that has happened upon moral grounds I refuse to watch the movie.  I want nothing further to do with James Franco.  I am tired of repeating myself on this point.  My anger comes in part from feeling molested by women and being visually assaulted by them.  It also comes from having a teacher I never wanted, asked for, wanted to be a part of in any way.  I never wish to see him ever again.  I never wish to speak to him ever again.  He owes me a world of apologies, but I do not want to see or hear from him ever again.  This is not a laughing matter to me.  I am quite serious.  My opinion has not wavered I have only become more resolute in my complete desire for separation in every way from him.

Dated 02/23/2016

I am unable unlike every other person in the world to go to a grocery store because when I go to the grocery store, then people around me talk outloud trying to get me to purchase one product vs. another as and before I reach for a product.  Even if there was an end, and I got my life back how is it that this would not continue.  Was is to stop any ordinary person from repeating what they have seen on tv or youtube?  Especially when it concerns me.

Eating sausage and fries washing it down with a coke, I am reminded of my circumstances that I am living with and under.

When I started to understand not everything at The Container Store was right.

And, let me say this before I continue.  When I first started to work at The Container Store and saw all the camera’s in the ceiling it felt like being “on” when I was there.  I guess that is why I preferred being in elfa because I felt like that was where all the attention (for lack of a better way of saying that) was at.

Well, when I started to understand it was not right the pretense lost itself on me.  I kept looking around at different people like Alfredo, or Cleveland, or Sally and wondered why they were in disguise.

However, when I started to listen to this coded messages I believed that I was going to be taken care of (for lack of a better way of saying that).  I believed in what people were saying.  I believed in what people were doing were a benefit to me, for me.  I believed I was going to be provided for in a sense that I believed I wasn’t going to suffer the way I have lived the last year plus.

That car accident took something from me I cannot get back.

Because I believed.

Then, to have such catastrophic devastation – it took so much from me – leaving me still in shock.  Shell shock still.

I will not be the same again.  The pieces of me will not be able to go back again.

I did not and even still understand that the purpose was for others to keep me away from what it was I wanted or needed even if it is buying groceries so I can eat.

Had I not believed I would not still be here in this house and in this state.

I feel like I am constantly repeating myself with this information, however I must keep repeating this information because it continues to happen to me.

Even when I think I have done all I could, should, or need to do there are still characters and choices that I believed were already out of my life.

02/02/2018

I hate to be smarter than those around me…nope, nope, no I don’t.  I am not waiting until my key is in the ignition to show you the difference my head makes.  I am simply working against a much larger, greater work force in size, and a greater budget.  I do not have super powers that enable me to work through work loads of months and months, and years and years in a matter of less than a day.

Plus, I was made violently ill yesterday morning.  I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital.  But, I would have been too sick to call 911, and the best part is no one would have even known I had passed.

BTW, Happy Birthday Tommy…I mean, Jim Carrey.

Enough about me, whoops…sorry, I almost ran you over at the conference table Stan Lee, AFLAC.  You are much younger than your age.  Who has an interview with a blonde Jake Gyllenhaal and Ellen Page?  Me.

I have been saying this over and over in my head, no one can understand what it feels like to have company or guests 365/24/7 which is what this experience is like.  It not only feels like I have company that I have to cater to, speak to, and share things with, but that literally are sitting on my head, feet on my shoulders, crushing my brain, and draining me of every bit.

Can you imagine having to live with company every day, every moment, year after year?  I doubt you can.

Also, the rumor that James Franco and I ever dated is a hoax.  It is a made up lie.  He was never here.  He was never in the room.  And, I absolutely could…wipe the floor with him.  I am not intimidated for a moment.

So, Joe Bonamassa, thanks for the relief from the pain it will pay off down the road, another day.  Second intro’s or meets can be somewhat ordinary, but not to stress.  I will not take it to heart as I did the other day.

I could go on and on every day eight hours a day for years and barely scratch the surface of these last few years.  Let alone all the memories of the life that brought you all to me to begin with.

However, yet again, every week is the same thing.  I have one day where I am up all night, all day, and all night again.  To keep me from working.  Not to mention the kind of stress it places on my body and my mind which I know everyone believes is indestructible.  Everyone acts as though it is not delicate grey matter that could be forever damaged with no return.  Which is why in my trying to understand why I have been placed here in this exact same surroundings and situation as I was in Plant City (PC).  The only exception being that home was my own, but the surroundings were exactly the same as here.  I mean I have been here going on six years now, and I have not one memento, memory, or homey detail that I didn’t already bring with me here.  That says a great deal right there.  This house has not been lived in because it is not a house, nor is there a future in it.  So, in trying to understand why someone would force me into utter forever loneliness without friends, my family, or a real man who actually loves me and touches me, I said to myself, they must have found an illness of some sort.  There has to be an explanation as to why it is impossible for me to be in the real world like every one else.  For I do not see a truthful reason for any of these lost years of my life.

For me, I am still staring out the second story of the hospital windows waiting for my life to begin.

May 30, 2017

Do not for a second begin to think that I finished yelling at my computer about my environment.

Plus, I have so many other things to say as well…Just saying.

BTW, who works for more than a year without any sort of pay increase?!  It boggles my mind that I was making more money at Disney.

As I am looking at my orders from     it’s not fair to me to have to report a problem on every single one.  It is not fair to me that I must suffer this bulimia which is what it amounts to, since there are extra calories added to my food items.  In order to correct this, I have to stop eating for days.  I do not over eat.  I do not abuse food or any other substance.  I have not had much access to inexpensive, good quality food for several years.

For instance, there is no way after eating only a half an apple for a full 10 hours shift that I would still feel full and actually gain several pounds.  Which leaves me the only option of not eating at all.  For this reason, I had to stop eating lunch at work at all once I realized that my lunch that was stored in my car of a hard-boiled egg and apple slices were laced with added calories.

In addition it has been so stressful at     I do not feel safe or comfortable to eat or drink normally.

First off, I would like to say it was nice to have    offered to me.  I felt as if I had been heard from my writing.  The only reason I did not was due to my financial situation.  I must get this bankruptcy taken care of it is a huge weight and concern on my ever-present mind.

Then, to (in a way) be asked to get another computer.  The expenses are killing me.  NO one knows what this has been like – the stress it places on my mind because I am the only one who is actually living it.

For instance, having my laundry soap altered so I am sweating to death and choking on the very fiber of my clothing – how unfair to me.  Since what I did to deserve this was simply to do as I was asked to do.

I want to be in charge of my own sleep schedule.  The hand is so painful.

• I know this is out of order and rambling, so please bear with me.

I need you to protect and take care of my cooch.

I am the only one that has to worry.  When I look around my    drops.  So, I concentrate just on the work.  To have competing forces at work pulling me apart for my attention – only to have it hurt me is destructive, counter-productive, and extremely disheartening.

It is physically impossible for me get conceive or get pregnant.

The only reason I choose to                                                  fit.

I feel I must mention the Key West trip.  I did have a lovely time at the bar.  His sexual preference means nothing to me – again, I find this so unbelievably boring – as what is so clearly obvious about me I will not even mention it again.  Only one way I work.  End of discussion.  So, at the                                            .  You have no idea how difficult it is to not talk about anything.  Since, I am not able to have a real conversation with anyone it changes the whole interaction.  However, it was an enjoyable time.  I wished no one had pushed the button to put me to sleep which changed the way I viewed the evening and the encounter.

I have said this before, so if you’ve heard it I’m sorry to repeat myself.  What I like to do, what my motto is when on vacation I prefer to purchase jewelry, or art instead of the typical I went on vacation t-shirt.  Because I believe it is a more personal, unique and lasting memory of a trip.  Now, the only reason I did not get the t-shirt that day was not just because it was $30.  I certainly could have used another shirt to wear.  I still could use another shirt to wear.  The only reason I didn’t purchase the shirt was it was not personal enough to me, as a reminder, as a keepsake.  It took me such a long time, and I felt talked into buying the coffee mug that is the only reason the mug was purchased.  I was talked into the purchase.  I want to make sure this point is clear this is in no way a slight to Mr. Burton – big appreciator, truly enjoy his work.  I really had a fine time with Mr.  Hollander.  My point is this, and this is a huge problem for me creating problems for me to have to figure out, solve, or find purchases ahead of me makes me feel simple and demeaned.  If I was in charge (so to speak), if I was myself I would be so much more powerful (I can’t think of another way to say this).  Because my taste is so much greater.  I have such expensive taste.  I believe in my taste and the difference of a quality item.

Please, please, please you have no idea how it pains me to think in any way I have, or could have slighted anyone in any way.  I absolutely mean no disrespect to anyone.

It would be so much more freeing if the purchases I make could have value placed on them afterward instead of before, number one: it would relieve a great deal of stress checking and cross-checking all the labeling and descriptions, plus I would be able to find better more interesting items.

Disagree with me if you want, but I believe in my opinion.  I believe in the causes I’ve supported, I believe in the musicians, actors, directors, films, tv, and writers – just to name a few.  I believe in the value of my unique and eclectic taste as being one you cannot label – it just is.  Which is one reason I am able to sense people through disguise and make-up.

It is one reason I have believed in that tire.  It is a unique experience one that will never come along in the same way to anyone, or even me ever again.  It is an experience unlike anything else.  My greatest problem is I dislike in town driving.  The driving game of driving a specific path it is meant for the radio which recently has had a bad effect upon my health.  Hungry-man tv dinners, some of the songs controlling my path.  I want to drive, to drive.

I am forced to drive on Robin road, so as to NOT have any haz-mat and allergy problems.

The driving game is my least favorite.  I’d much prefer to be able to save up for a road-trip, or even day trips to some of the great locations within driving distance.

I don’t know how to keep people out of my house to keep them from effecting my underwear, toilet paper, soap, lotions.

I guess my only option is to find another   .

BTW, it doesn’t say it in the description, but I understand the chair I ordered to have arms and base.

A great difficulty is my financial situation as I am not able to manage my financial needs – not wants, but needs.  In part due to the constant returning of items situations.  I do not get back all of my money in the process.

My bedroom is much too hot, I need something to cool it down.  I need to get carriers for my cats.  I need to arrange emergency supplies.  So that I am not constantly behind and doing everything at the last minute, or worse late.

I want to not have to battle between glass and metal.  There should be no difference in the contents due to the container of an item.

I do not understand the series business.  I will not go      any longer the effect is far too damaging.

I feel     have had a negative and bad effect on my life.

I am tired of the phone business.  I am tired of the phone games.  I am tired of using the phone to have me speak to people who are disguising their voice.

Yes, this is the other big problem as I am so tired I cannot get out of bed.  I am giving such a long chore list of problems to correct, situations to fix that I am unable to get it all done, sleep, eat, wash and dress myself and get to    on time.

Can I just say how absolutely unfair it is for you to use kids and family members as it is impossible for me to get or stay mad at them.  Since I know the difference.  I know it is not their fault, and it is hard not to be appreciative of their time and effort.

I’m so sorry this is rambling and all over the place, however: The       r.  Can I just say how wonderful it was to see such great production value into the new show.  I think everyone knows how much I love those guys.  The opening sequence on the first show really superb.  Unlike anything else I’ve seen before.  It’s really remarkable.

Do you know, when I was taking care of my mom I used to watch them in the middle of the night (that’s when it was on) on BBC.  I’d never seen a car show before and to get to know all the terminology, to discover and learn about cars, to watch the driving and racing was such a delight.  It helped me during those long stress-filled years.  When talking car talk, I call it lusty talk.  I just find it so interesting, and such a turn on.  Please understand that is just a manner of speak.  Don’t get carried away on that one.

I love all the location shooting on The       r.  The     studio idea is fantastic!  I’m sorry I’m an appreciator.  I don’t mean to sound too nerdy or simple.  Really if they do more episodes, which they should, I would appreciate more locations.  It is one way I get to travel.  Plus, the segments of just driving is unbelievably interesting, the editing, the camera work, it’s great fun to watch.  The cars are enough you don’t have to add much more to it.

Now, back to yelling at my computer.  Can you understand how bad it is to have to take a vacation day just to try and get some sleep?!  Only to have to spend it breaking down the enormous difficulties, hardships, and struggles I’ve had in this reality?!

My finances are a great strain on me especially with everything that is asked of me.

Also, I say to you, grow up! I am not so simple as to fall or believe any of t-h-i-s.

I cannot constantly change every single item I’ve purchased.  Because of where I’ve purchased it, or when, or with whom.  It is not my fault someone has control over every single element of my life, so I am unable to be free of them.  I have too much invested to constantly replace every purchase.  You will have to provide me with more money if you want me to spend more money.

It is not my fault that I trusted every person at TCS that I did not lock my own locker.  I did not believe anyone would want to do me wrong.  It is not my fault that I give honest, unguarded answers to questions asked.

I wish I still had my old phone.

I wish I had never moved from my PC house.

I wish I had never dreamed of anything bigger or greater while taking care of my mother.  I should have died taking care of her.  At least then my life would have meant something at least to one person.

I had too much money, time, sweat equity, and effort invested in my home.  It was to be a forever home for my brother.  He always said he would retire there, so I didn’t mind the amount of money I put into it.  But, at least there I had something that belong to me.  I had a vision for the house and I changed it while still caring for my mother.

I don’t know why David waved at me from that white pick-up while I was mowing the lawn, but he did.

I know now that it was a mistake to ever reach out to him.  It’s the truth we had both moved in different directions.  I should have just let it go instead of contacting him.

I forgot in the previous mentions of directors, I forgot to mention how I adore Tom Tykwer.  Perfume was incredible.  I don’t recall watching a movie before where I knew what was going to happen, what the character was about to do, yet wanted with all of my being for it to not be so.  Begging with everything in me for the character to not do what happened.  There was also something really special about that score.

Boy, can I tell you how ready I am to wear make-up, dress up in dresses and nice clothes, and look myself again, to have the color back in my eyes.  To be me and no one else’s idea of what my weight, shape, color, or image should be.

5/31/2017

I am not finished yelling at my computer.  But, I am running out of time before this evenings event.  I wanted to tell the story of my work in 2012.

Just know I am not done venting.

I do not want anyone entering my townhouse.  I do not want anyone touching my things.  I do not want anyone altering ANY products I purchase!

6/1/2017

It was a nice thing you did tonight if anyone did anything at all clearing it out.  Technology has sure come a long way.  I don’t know how they did Capt. Salazar’s character, but it is really something.  I’m sure you know, but I nearly dropped my phone when I saw the trailer for Pirates.  It is just such a transformation for Javier – it took me by surprise.

How can I forget speaking about Johnny’s Depp’s character and how (whether the story is true or not, I don’t know) the producers, directors were unhappy with Johnny’s performance of Jack Sparrow.  They had wanted a more macho version of Jack Sparrow.  However, they made it work.  They worked around Johnny’s version of the character, and it has worked quite well.  There is something to be said for character’s that have success haphazardly, or by their own character.

Which is why I have said in the past – many times – and will always say that Penny from The Rescuers is my favorite Disney character.  Penny is not the smartest, prettiest, bravest, most strong, most clever, wisest, most powerful, or any particular character traits we are so used to seeing in characters in film, or books, or television.  Penny is simply a girl, and what’s wrong with that?!  Nothing, in my opinion.  Penny is a girl who wants a family.  To be part of a family.  And, what’s wrong with that?  When it comes to women in film, or maybe in all media formats, they have to be so much greater than men just to be seen or heard.  Which is so ridiculous.  As if the quality of a woman is still stuck in a Nine to Five superwoman sort of way.

Women are the hardest on themselves.  Men are not as hard on themselves as women are to ourselves.  I don’t want that to sound like a put down on men.  I’ll speak for myself, no one will ever be able to be as hard on me as I am to myself.  Forgiveness for myself is something I struggle with every day.

I am hoping that journaling all of this is actually going to be helpful.  As I have done this journaling for several years without much success.  I am trying to say as much as I can because I believe there has been a great loss of communication across the board as this has gone on.

BTW, Jason Mraz – Stephan at TCS?  No matter.  I wonder if instead of coding, marking, or somehow identifying celebrities that cross my path if I could just journal it instead.  Here is why because if for instance I purchased Spanish wine well then it is a set-up to add extra weight to my body which I am in no way interested in doing.

I need a better means of communicating, getting communication, and receiving read communications.

I don’t know how to pay for everything that is asked of me.  All the movies to rent, foods to purchase, etc. while I am still living with only two pairs of PJ’s, a handful of under things, two pairs of shorts, I could go on you get the idea.  I am struggling which is why it has taken me so many years to file bankruptcy which should have been done back in 2012.

So, to go back a second.  I remember having this conversation in my head, before I left on the car trip that got me nowhere, about my work on the Obama campaign.

So, this is where I found myself in 2012.  I had been working for several months, probably closer to a year on getting myself ready to go from being a caregiver to having my life again.  Getting my mind ready, working through things, and sorting out the why of my life.  In other words, I had been working on myself.  I had started losing weight so my exterior could look more of how my mind’s picture of myself looked.  I had found a nursing home for my mother.  I had found a place for my father to live.  Then, I went to the doctor, and was told I needed surgery.  This was very short time frame.

Looking back, I am uncertain if it was a necessary surgery, or a set-up.  With everything that has gone on it could have been a false need.  I had purchased my own private insurance, however I had not purchased hospitalization, or surgery coverage.  Here I was someone who had worked hard her whole life, paid her taxed, paid for employer paid insurance her whole life and never used it.  Only to have a phone call from the hospital asking for $75,000.00 up front in cash so they could set up an appointment for surgery.

I’ll skip a lot of details about the surgery for now.  The story has changed for me because I don’t believe it was real or necessary anymore.  I feel I’ve been falsely castrated in fact.

I moved out of our family home and had the surgery within a few months.  Charity paid the bill.

Obama care was a big talking point in the elections.  I did some research on my computer and found I could do some volunteer work for the campaign.  I started volunteering part-time for the campaign about the same time I discovered I needed surgery.

A month after my surgery I was offered a paid staff position on the campaign. (Whether I arrived by this job honestly, I don’t know since everything for some many years now has been a set-up) They wanted me to start working five weeks after my surgery. I was advised to not to work for six weeks after my surgery.

Five weeks after my surgery – I know I am not telling this very well, sorry it’s so dull and boring – I started working on the campaign.  I had been a volunteer before.  I only asked that for a week I could have a long lunch so I could nap and rest.

It is an unusual feeling to have your entire body shut-down.  Sleeping being the way the body heals and recovers itself.  It was not as if I was simply tired, I was in shut-down repair mode.

You see, I wanted to work on the campaign for many reasons.  One of them being I did not believe any citizen of the United States should find themselves like I did without coverage or ability to get help when needed.

I mean how much did the insurance companies make off of me for twenty plus years when I did not even go for a yearly check-up at the doctor?  I know I am not the only person who didn’t use the insurance they paid for.  So, I went to work so no one else had to suffer and go through what I went through.

I spent so many years taking care of someone else only to once having set foot on my own being unable to stand on my own.

My working hours were from 9 am until usually 10 or 11pm to be followed with a conference call (30 min to 1 hour) after work hours.  The week of the election was basically no sleep at all.

Now, my condition was this: I only took pain medication for a week after surgery.  But, my insides had been scraped of cysts.  A mass that had been pressing on my internal organs (or so I was told) they scraped away, and I was sown from the inside out.  Stitched from the inside, stitched on the outside from pubic bone to navel.

There was no time off or breaks while working on the campaign.  Even though there was a bathroom in the trailer that was our office, going to the bathroom was a problem.  I’ll just leave it at that.

Understand during all of this, I was very aware that I was being followed and monitored.  I was just unaware that my brother and perhaps my father were in on it too.

The conversation I had in my head in 2014 was I worked on the campaign because I believed in Barack Obama.  I believed he was going to be the President.  I believed he was the better choice for all person of these United States.  I certainly did not do it for the money taking into consideration the hours I worked I was making less than minimum wage per hour.  So, as I said, by my sheer force of my will he was going to be President with every person I spoke to during the campaign.  If I had to make phone calls lying on the couch in the office because I was in so much pain, I still made phone calls.  If I had to stand and speak for hours to strangers, convince them to give up their time to volunteer on the campaign, I tried my best to hide the pain on my face.  I will never be able to fully convey the amount of pain, pain as a woman, pain in my body, pain in my mind, but I kept going.

It helped to know it was only for a short time.  Still, for more than just myself I wanted, I worked, I struggled, so that all persons in this country would have better opportunities, coverage, help, and way of life.

Here has been one of my greatest problems in all of this.  I do not now, nor was I raised to exclude people.  This black vs. white, color, gender, or honestly, I don’t even know how to write about it other than to say I do not know how to exclude persons except when referring to my bed, my head, and physical relationships.  I know I do not want my house to be entered.  I know I do not want my foods or beverage to be altered in any way.  I know I do not want to gain weight by eating less than an apple for an entire day.

I grew up with so many different people, internationals, persons of different generations that this war of choosing one over the other, or whatever this is – that feels like a constant tug-o-war goes against everything I have ever believed in.

The only reason I have ever excluded was based on negative impact.  Shoving air in my nose to make me spit, or stick Q-tips up my nose, or wear a bandana.  Or the worst of all, sending a person in a skin suit to my home pretending to be someone he was not.  The shame and humiliation from that event and encounter I will never get over.  No one else has had to live with the shame but me.

I never want to see that person again.

Once, I finally figured out why everything felt wrong.  Once, I discovered the only way could have been a skin suit.  Once, I understood that it was not because I had been stitched from the inside out that it felt wrong.  There is no return from that.

That is to say, I remember having the conversation while working at Disney about The Golden Girls set, something about it being at MGM (as it was named then) and it wasn’t a real set, it wasn’t as if people were really living there and you could turn the corner and see the façade.  Something along those lines.

I remember the conversation because it was for me just me being me.  I used to have that improvisation ability.  That on and off switch.  Man, I could tell you some stories.

Stories like how my mother worked with exchange students (this one was in the summer), my father taught English classes to them.  I went with them both as it was the summer.  My mother, myself, I think it was the Tour Escort at our house sat down after the long day.  My mother turned to me and asked me how the day was.  But, I knew what she meant was, I need some relief it has been a long day.  So, I said blah, blah, blah, I have no idea something about Aliens and hot dogs, and the next thing I know I turned to the clock in the kitchen and I had been going on an hour and a half.  And, the switch stopped.  In case you didn’t guess, they were laughing the whole time.

So, the phone call of The Golden Girls was the same thing, me being able to click, I don’t know how else to describe it.  Being able to improvise, sort of.

BTW, I do remember the handshake Johnny Depp gave sitting on the back of the golf cart at the dealership.  I do remember watching Jason Segel walk past me with a child wearing a football helmet.  I do remember Gabriel Byrne helping me at the gas station.  Really, I could go on and on.  It’s unimportant to me.  I don’t care if they are a celebrity.  I care who they are, who they are as a person is.

…Yeah, yeah, yeah, “tripping over nature.”  Man in drag not entirely sure who was wearing those tights this was a Disney training day.

I just don’t understand why anyone cares.  It’s hard for me to understand.

I truly do not wish to see James Franco again.

I feel so used and dirty – everywhere – all the time.

Here’s the thing, I already work for      .  Why isn’t that enough?  I am not interested in fighting with my      I want to see them succeed.  So, I don’t understand why I am constantly being torn apart.

I understand people will come and go where I     , but my head works how it works.

Constantly hearing the same phrases over and over and over in my head is maddening.  It has no effect other than I try to block it out with my own repeating phrases – as a defense.  So, when I say in my head I want to cancel my ticket it is how I’ve managed my environment in the past.  It is how I’ve tried to protect myself.

Do you have any idea what they did to me?  How they got me to drive away?  And what they did to me upon my return?

I was made to believe be means of non-verbal communication in my head, my surroundings, through the media that I was a bad person, that I was a criminal, that I deserved and was in need of punishment.

Let me say this, did I know that I could drive and weave in and out of traffic in LA, Texas, Louisiana, Washington, and Florida?  Yes, I did.  In fact, I know my driving would have been beyond belief had there had not been a competition for my attention.

Did I know that I could sing as if I was giving a concert?  Yes, I did.  Quite honestly, at the time it was nothing at all.  Almost effortless.  It just came out of me.

But, those day are gone.

Something has gone from me.  I used to be able to feel it, but it’s gone.  A fire, a passion, whatever you want to call it that energy has left me void.

Whether it’s the falseness of my mother’s death and funeral, or the loss of my cats who were being used beyond their control.  The complexity of using an animal to hurt me, leaving me no alternative but to be upset with what caused the problem knowing that it wasn’t really my cat doing it that is a tremendous pressure.  Perhaps, it is my brains way of shutting down in order to relive some of the stress and pressure, but I am no longer the me I used to be.

I was far more fearless than anyone realized.  I was far more powerful than anyone realized.  I was far more interesting and talented than anyone realized or understood before.  So, what they made out of me is a dulled down version of someone else.

Did I know I could growl, yes.  But, I was told no, behave.  No, be angry.  No, be submissive and obedient.  No, be this.  No, be that.  No, do it this way.  No, do it that way.  No, change.  No, change again, and again, and again, and again, and again.  When all along I was the interesting person that people were interested in.

Should I name the times and differences between Keanu and David?  Does it even matter, I don’t think so.

I think this is enough for today.  I am too hurt and tired to continue at the moment.

I don’t know if this helps me, or will be helpful to anyone, or at all.

I know I am only interested in Global, international, non-          .

I do know I need you to fix it.  I mean, I had to take a day off from work to go see a movie.  Something wrong with that.

It is such a relief to have deliveries.  I wished I had it when I was caring for my mother.

August 22, 2017

To the person responsible for allowing my supervisor to have access to google glass:

You have created a hostile work environment for me.  You allowed my supervisor to have access to the google glass without my permission.  Jesus Christ!!  What is he 23 years old?!  He is a fucking child!  Then, I get to understand that it was my supervisor on the other end of the helmet?!

Coupled with the fact that the       to a number that is not suitable for a positive work environment.

This feels exactly like The Container Store all over again.

I never wanted my supervisor to have access to my bed!!  OMG!  I can’t stop saying it!  He is a child!  Not to mention how inappropriate it is!

I did nothing wrong!  You deceived me!

Cherith J Gjestland

 

July 18, 2017

To Jeremy Renner:

Flip-flops,

Hard and bloated belly.  Everything just goes to make my belly bloat and stick out.  It’s horrible.  I’ve spent too many years weighing over 230 lbs. to ever want to go back.  It’s demoralizing.  So, I starve myself to keep my weight in my control.  There is no excuse for eating one small meal and gaining weight.  Year after year after year.  How can I not want to kill myself instead?!

It has an effect on how I view my         and my           .

I miss my house.  I miss having things that are mine and mine alone and in my control.  I miss having the world not know who I am.

I am still fucking pissed as hell.  I was told over and over how James Franco lied to me and to everyone in my head yesterday.  David Wolfe also lied.

Let me tell you something about David Wolfe.  When I met and knew him he was a waiter at Carrabba’s.  He would show up to school in his server uniform of khaki’s and white long-sleeved shirt.  Funnily enough it happens to be the same colors as the inside of my house.  We went to eat together one day after theater rehearsal.  He drove me to Rio Bravo.  It was nice.  As we started walking to the restaurant he pointed out another woman and said she was beautiful.  And, asked if I agreed.  The whole of me sank.  I realized then I must have been too excited being around him, and that was his way if telling me it’s like that between us.  See, that is the kind of woman I like and want – is what he told me.

So, I’ve been told David has moved on from his days as a server.  I was told in my head yesterday, who do you think it footing the bill.  I guess meaning everything that is going on.  I have been told that David has financial means.  For me, it was never about that.  I never cared that he was a server, or that he had crooked teeth (I never saw that, I only mention it because I know he had braces and it was a concern for him) or that he shared an apartment or anything.

For me, I had never before nor since met a man like David.  I would look in his eyes and the world disappeared.  I didn’t want to look away.  I didn’t care that the whole class was watching and laughing.  Nothing else mattered or existed as long as I looked at him.  But, we are lousy at speaking to one another, we always have been.  Most of our conversation amounted to shouting matches, huge blow-ups, and storming off.  And, never making up to each other.

On Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, I played Big Momma and David played Gooper.  The blocking was: I was stage left, and David was stage right, we each were to turn and face each other at the same time from opposite side of the stage.  Every time I got to turn to see him was like a jump for joy.  The director had to change the blocking.  I believe he said something about it looking like incest since he was supposed to be my son-in-law.

Another time back stage, David was sitting down with Alisha on his lap kissing him.  She happened to be one of my good friends.  My immediate reaction is I will show you how to kiss David!  She has no idea how to do it!  However, as I approached him it occurred to me he might actually like her.  It caused enough doubt in my mind, I stopped.

Whatever screaming and yelling we did and said to each other – for me – would end in moments.  After the kissing my friend incident, David was walking backstage and genuine pain and hurt was all I could see.  I was pissed at him.  I mean mad as hell that I could barely speak.  But, when I saw him all I wanted to do was take the pain away.  I asked him if he was ok, it sort of stopped him.  He seemed to ease a bit.

We have never made up to each other.  And, too much time has passed.  On top of all the skin-suit horrors.  You see, I was never for one moment happy with Edison.  It was all an act.  How could it not be anything but an act since it was all make-believe.  There never existed one moment that was real.  To be clear the act I am refering to is simply that it was not real.  It was not love.  I wanted to get laid – by a man who has always been a man.  Jesus, I mean what does an attractive woman have to do to be noticed by a man around here? That is what I meant by an act.  I am not the first woman to fuck a man whom she wasn’t in love with, and used him for sex.  I will not be the last.

I have just been trying to have a man in my life who would actually love me as me for who I am.  But, the only men in my whole life who I’ve encountered only want to use me which include James Franco and David Wolfe.

I have been under the impression that it was David Wolfe disguised as Craig Slotty who I met at Ikea and we went to the car show where I drooled endlessly over the Aston Martin because he was, oh so pretty.  “Craig Slotty” said as we went by the motorcycles, do you like motorcycles?  I stopped because for me it was a tell to which I didn’t understand at the moment.  A red flag, and an alarm went off in my head.  We went to eat at Chili’s afterward.  I remember being careful about what I ate because I was still trying to lose weight.  The couple seated opposite from us were watching us which I didn’t understand.  I told him I had to go home because I was tired.  I had just come from my Krav Maga final test, and as the day went on it was getting harder and harder for my body to keep up.  I was beat the fuck up, but the bruises were not showing yet.  I went home and sat in the tub for a long time and went to bed.  I don’t even think it was dark outside when I went to bed.  I was bruised all over my body for weeks and weeks.  I had to tell every person I saw that the bruises were due to Krav Maga.  It looked like I had been abused, or victimized.

Do you know in part the reason I don’t wear make-up anymore as soon as I would get to work they would make me cry – push button control – or they would spray the air that would send me to the bathroom having to get it out of my nose which in turn would wash all my make-up off.  So, what’s the point after some many times of that?  I give up.  Do you think I want to go to work with a stitch of make-up on?  No.  I don’t even get to take care of my skin.  I am not allowed to wash my face or use moisturizer or anything because all I get is trixied, grease in my soap, self-tanner in my soap, bulk added to my lotions forcing weight gain.  It’s demoralizing.  It’s dehumanizing.  I absolutely give up.

Do you know this would have been back in the early part of 2015 I had to return two shirts that I had bought so that I could eat?  I had bought them because I had no clothes, I mean no clothes anymore.  Because everything I owned felt like they had violated me, so I got rid of them to prove I was a moral person.  I think it amounted to somewhere around $8.  But, I was that broke.  If I hadn’t returned them I don’t know how I would have been able to eat.  It bought me a little time is all.  Because I had no choice I was not being allowed to be employed.

There are things I have to do for my life.  I have to work on the bankruptcy, emails, whatever, etc., but I have to sit here and type to you because otherwise you make my life a living hell.

How can I possibly ever look at David the same way ever again?!

“Katie” – Bad – one time the air was sprayed so that…how can I say it other than to say it offended my vagina.  SCREAMING VAGINA!  Katie approached me to tell me something I did wrong.  She kept sticking her fingers in and out of the hole in the package and looking me in the eyes.  I was so mortified.  I was so offended.  It was sexual harassment.  If a man had done it, it would be sexual harassment.  For a woman to do that to me it is even worse.  I cried humiliation tears for the rest of my shift.  I was not able to go to HR and complain like anyone else would be able to do to an employer.  It’s disgusting.  Anytime I heard her voice in my head I would not respond.  No woman has any place or right to be in my head – ever!  That is just one time.  That torture went on for months.  I was so glad when she left!

Toilet paper training – let me tell you something about the toilet paper training.  It would make me so insane when I worked at Disney I would say in my head I would rather shove a knife in my cunt until I am dead.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.  I even went so far as to tell my brother.  I texted him the exact same message.  Nothing.  Either my messages were intercepted, or he just doesn’t care about what happening to me.  So, I do not believe in this feigned shock and surprise that almost looks like concern.  It is a disgusting thing to do to someone which basically amounts to rape.

This nonsense of messaging “do not use a knife” amounts to a woman can open this box.  No woman ever will, nor ever can – of my own free will – open my box!!!!!!  I would rather shove a knife in my cunt until I am dead than to have to live a lie.  And, that would be an extraordinary lie!

I can’t fucking stand the talking outside my window!

I can’t fucking stand the landscapers that ALWAYS start the moment I go to bed and continue the whole time I am trying to sleep.  It does not take that much work for this area.  I am not allowed any rest or any relaxation here.  In 2014 it was much worse, but still there is no need and there is no excuse for the behavior that goes on here.  Because of the 360 it all goes back to my        .  The responsibility starts there.  How can it not.  Someone has to be in charge, and who oversees those or that person who is in charge?  Because I have not been listened to for years now.  No one has taken my side.

It is not my fault that I purchase a product only to receive it and discover that the packaging proclaims it to be something I never intended.  So, you better not fuck me or Trixie me with the purchase of my new locks.  There better not be another “this is a set” to my locks.  Because I do not get a choice of products, nor do I get a choice of           t.  If I did I would have another.

Let me say this now, I have never been that woman’s bitch!  How could there ever be a contest or a pulling apart between people proclaiming I was their dog when I am a woman.  I have never been anything else.  And, I knew David long before I knew or met anyone else.

Brain – pin point fiber – don’t have time to answer this one.

I want my life back!

I am so angry and so hurt and so disgusted at       which quite honestly amounts to David Wolfe since he (at least for me) is the reason I am there to begin with.

Cherith J Gjestland

July 17, 2017

To Jeremy Renner:

Flip-flops,

It is devastating.

It is devastating to discover the whole reason I am at       is because David thought I was gay.  That is my take-away.  No wonder I have been so fucking depressed.  There is no even-flow for me.  Anybody would hate having self-tanner placed in their soap.  Even with all the hydrogen peroxide I have put in my soap all I feel is grease.  Anybody would hate gaining weight from eating one meal a day.  Anybody would hate having tricks played on them.  Anybody would hate having oil placed in their soap.  It is not an enjoyable experience.  Everything has sent my vagina screaming, no wonder I am so fucking depressed every day.  Because of this information I do not believe I can support           in any way.  It is not funny in any way to abuse one of your own employees.  Which is what this is entering an employee’s home while they are at work.  It’s abuse.

Based on moral grounds I do not believe I can in any way support or endorse           ,            shows, or           products because of how they have treated me and abused me.  What show goes out of their way to abuse its own star.

This house is closed.

If it were up to me I would be elsewhere.  It is devastating.

It’s not even up to me the path I walk, with that psycho doctor walking around.  Plus, it is part of my job to place items in the    , so there is no way to completely avoid          .

On moral grounds, there is no way I can enter or exit 2.  There is no even flow.

I have no idea why the L.A.M.P.E. people are at work.  All I understand is it is L.A.  Because of my hands I will not share what I saw in those people.

Do you understand me?!  I ain’t that bitch’s bitch!!!!!!!

I have no idea what is going on with the gates here.  All I know is yesterday I did not go out the gate that was open because of all the signs the day before saying open house on Sunday.

There should not be any game with the gates here.  This house is closed.

I want another    .  I do not wish to continue living like this.  It is more than depressing.  Living like this has made me suicidal.  No joke.  This is not a life.  This is jail.  This is torture.  This is punishment.  This is a life sentence I do not deserve.  The whole world gets to live and love, but me.  There is no love in glass.  There is no love in being on one side of the glass while the rest of the world is on the other side.

I was manipulated into turning that radio on again.

I am so over having to drive this stupid fucking route.  I cannot go back the way of turtle as it is the way of baby which is the way of soft which is not now nor has it ever been the truth.

I was tricked and manipulated into having to replace the monitor PC.

I would love to tell you the work my father does teaching GED classes at The Lighthouse, or how he spent most of my life teaching ESOL.  Or, the work my mother did with refugees in the 80’s.  There were a lot of Romanians that fled to Oregon in the 80’s.  Vietnamese, Laos, at this moment I can’t even remember all the nationalities.  Plus, all the work with exchange student which in a way we all helped as a family.  A lot of Japanese exchange students.  But, because of my hands, I don’t wish to share.