WE – DO NOT AGREE!

Mother’s Day is almost here.  How did this happen?  I mean, I can’t believe it’s May already.  I live in a sort of bubble.  Sorta a place they send discounted items trying to figure out what to do with them – that’s what it feels like anyway.

Plus, if you’ve spent time in hospitals or nursing homes time becomes meaningless as disease, sickness, and pain keep no schedule.  Soon you become consumed  with feeding the meter of health trying to fill it up whole again.

When I placed my mother in a skilled nursing facility I had already spent months disconnecting the force of will I used to keep myself going for her care, as well as, allowing her mortality instead of her recovery become reality for me.

Her birthday was a few days after we sent her to live in a nursing home.  Some shitty daughter I am, right?!  Then, Mother’s Day shortly after, and I waited to visit until both days had passed.  I found her in a wheelchair wandering the hallways.  Pulling herself along the handrails of the walls – out of her mind.

She looked up at me as a stranger, her eyes were filled with enraged anger.  I almost didn’t recognize her.  She was no longer herself.  She was a million miles away.  Locked inside her stroke-ridden mind.  As angry as she was , I could see she was also fighting.  The anger was a fight in her mind, her stroke, and with the staff.

I could see in her what spoke of: How can you do this to me?  Don’t you know I am still here?  Can’t you see I am still a person?  If you would just talk to me you would know my mind is still here.

Once she recognized me – she returned.

It was hard for me to leave the nursing home that day.  How responsible I felt.  How guilty I felt.

How responsible I still feel.  How guilty I still feel.

 

 

It is too crowded here.  There are too many people and they are all too close.

I don’t get to really write anymore because of it.

All I am doing anymore is responding or reacting to the lack of privacy which is not really living, nor is it really writing.

I used to be able to write – sentences in my head.  I used to be able to free associate, be creative in my thoughts, and I was pretty damn good considering I had just started.  I was on a path to writing and accomplishing something significant, meaningful, and powerful.

I could say it has been stolen from me for surely that is true.

I could say that it has been taken from me as that also applies.

The truth is where I am living has a harmful and negative impact and affect upon me.

 

So long, California.

Almost my whole life I wanted to return to California.  Yet, my dream has been made into something intolerable.  Someone has come along perverted my dream, as well as, my dreams.

What a coward a man has to be to steal the very thought from you.

If you have set a plan in place are on the path to doing what you set your mind to and then someone comes along parodying or mimicking your moves to appear as if they are leading or showing you what to do – it is not valid or real.  It is a mere illusion has no weight or bearing on your life or what is real.  Furthermore, the person is a coward and a cheat.

I believe that I’ve been made to believe in a man/men who are not real in my life.

If a man wants to be made a part of your life – he will do it in the flesh and not by proxy.  He will come to you introduce himself start the conversation, open up and offer his heart in the process.  He will not employ tricks.  He will not employ deceptions or relayed messages.

If a man does not wish to appear in the flesh and be present in my life I have to ackowledge that he is ashamed of me, embarrassed by me, repulsed by me, afraid of me, or afraid of who he will become if he allows me into his life.

I made a purchase that I was left with no alternative but to throw away.  It was full of subliminal messages that not only do not apply to me, but had/have such a negative effect and impact upon me it has literally caused me harm, mental anguish, suffering, and immeasurable misery.

If I had been aware in advance of what I was purchasing I would NEVER have made the purchase.  No one should have to live through the experience I’ve lived through with the subliminal messaging.  I would not wish it upon my worst enemy.

Every product has a label defining what it contains.  And, there are warning labels which state what will happen in certain circumstances.

I was deceived by this innocent purchase.  However based on principles alone I removed it as soon as I understood its (miss)representation.  No one should have to suffer through something like that as I have been made to suffer.  The harm is immeasurable.

It is like having an unwelcome neighbor, or uninvited permanent guest at your residence that you never invited, don’t want, and have no means of evicting.  Or, keeping a father away from you who violates you.  Believe me I am all too aware of a circumstance such as this and at a loss how to regain control over all areas of my life.

I should not have to keep proving and constantly keep someone who harms me away.

I should be protected instead of violated.

This brings me to another incident in my life where I was greatly deceived.  I started dating a man because – well, I am single.  After the first meeting my gut told me I should end it immediately as something bothered me and did not sit well in my spirit.  This man ended up deceiving me greatly.  The only way he was able to gain entrance in any way to me was simply through deception.  He had studied me, spied on me, and learned what men I had cared for in my past.  He then used that information, used another man’s words to gain entrance to me otherwise he would never have been able to get anywhere near me.  It has been an inescapable nightmare for me.  I have no idea why any person would go to such lengths to deceive me.  When all I’ve wanted was a man in my life whom I could love who loved me in return – forever.

Have you seen this movie, The Revenant?

O my goodness!  So good.

It wasn’t even five minutes into the movie I started exclaiming, this is so fantastic!

The Revenant is such a complete movie – in every aspect – it is difficult to praise or speak well about the writing, acting, directing, cinematography, the musical score.  All of it was so fucking good!

Being a woman I do enjoy and appreciate good lighting and it was incredibly lit.

The writing or the story was quite unusually told.  I cannot recall another film told with every single second, every single minute being told and shown so much in the now.  Almost the entire movie was about that very moment and what was/is happening – now.  What an incredible thing to do and write.  Let alone being able to do it so well.

The Revenant is what I long for in going to the movies or watching films.

It’s like the perfect coffee, or glass of wine, or beautiful beer.  I’ve gone years of nothing but shitty coffee and then one day by some act of God almost you get that perfect moment and taste of the best coffee.  The same with wine – I can’t tell you how many bottles I’ve gone through trying to get a flavorful satisfaction until finally one comes along that is actually worth swallowing for.  And, oh my God I do love beer.  I will drink just about any beer because I enjoy it, but what I am looking for is that taste of flavor something you can’t find and get in anything else.  I just want the good stuff is that so much to ask for?

So, The Revenant is along those lines of a worthwhile pursuit.  Sitting through hours of so-so movies to finally see a movie so unbelievably superb – so complete.

Oh well, phew.

Thank you.

 

Actors should be made into movie stars not movie stars made into “actors”.

You know, I feel lied to.

These last several years would have still been difficult, however the result would have been so much better and more productive.

Had I been able to follow my path, and make my choices these last several years would have been so much more fruitful – the result so much the better.

It is so very difficult understanding the great lie I was led to believe.  It has set me back – years.

This house is not my home.  It is so uncomfortable to live in.  The very basis of this house is flawed.

It was my idea to begin with which is why the return has not had the results expected.

It has been bad every day.

I was lied to.  And, I expect to receive the lying come to an end.

I want to be understood.  I do not want to act, or sing, be on television, or in a movie, or be famous.  Because of the last several years I do not even wish I was born.

The most recent experience I’ve had has been enduring sexual assault and humiliation just to be on television.

I want all my teeth extracted just for relief.

The only solution I see out of this is suicide.  

No one can say I never let anyone know there was a problem.

It seems no one has chosen to help me.

Their only wish is to sexually humiliate me daily.

When you have gone to every resource possible, when you have gone to every person you know and can, when you have told as many people as you can, when you have done everything you can think of to find, get, and receive help, yet you are received, turned down, given a deaf ear, and worse misled, turned away, given no compassion, understanding, or help – what other recourse could a person have?!

If you have been shouting from the rooftops – not just for days, but for years now – this is too much for me, I don’t like this, this is not what I want, I can’t deal/handle/manage with this surrounding environment, circumstances, and situation any longer, yet nothing happens.  People choose to ignore you and walk away.

If you have sought every source to help you out of the final breaking point from which there is no return – still nothing happens and everyone ignores you and carries on as if you have not just been screaming in their face, what other choice do you have?

What has been happening to me for the last several years is so unnatural, so un-me, so terrible it has left me in the darkest place possible where I no longer want to wake up in the morning.  Still I know I have told as many people as I possibly can that I am in this emotional, mental place of suicide and depression, and no one has even bothered to stop what they are doing to listen to me and help me.

I am right.  I am correct when I say I have spoken, written, and advised countless people I am at a terrible emotional state where I only dream of ways to kill myself as the only solution I know possible to end the charade and parody that has become my life.  For years I have been screaming I want to deactivate all of it.  Yet, people look me in the eye, uncaring, then look the other direction.

I want to live my life in obscurity any longer.  I want to be left in peace.

I am afraid that will not happen and my only other recourse will have to be suicide.