WE – DO NOT AGREE!

Drive, Drive, Drive, And Drive Some More – it’s dated 3/13/2016 – however, much of my writings have been altered and hacked by others I do not know if this date is correct.

Here I was under the impression that David knew me best and would want the best for me.  I’m just now starting to understand that is not true or correct.

I do know, I would never treat him the way he has treated me.

I would never in a million years dream of going out of my way to hurt or harm him or anyone he cared for either.

It was a mistake going to that produce place as it has been a mistake every time I’ve tried to reach out to him in the last several years.  A person should not feel full after eating a few bites of fruits or vegetables.  I was not trying to reach out to him by buying produce there.  I was trying to protect myself.

Seems I am never able to win when trying to protect myself having to be in these circumstances beyond my control.

He did give me            , however the rest associated with him and the harm he has caused me.  I just would never have gone out of my way to hurt him the way he has hurt and humiliated me.

I love him enough as a friend to want the very best for him.  It still surprises me how little of that is reciprocated.

This evening I was remembering the different times Rick changed.  When he was in the break room talking angrily about his hip replacement – he was a different Rick.

Walking to my car Rick and Marvin were watching the water sprinklers – he was a different Rick.

I think the time Rick was merchandising shoe boxes talking about the football player who was in the store with Cristina by referencing men who wear earrings about talking about how he doesn’t watch gossip television – that was a different Rick.

When Rob stood on one side of me and Rick stood on the right side of me – that was a different Rick.

Or more correctly, they were all the same Rick’s the other times they were different.  Just a guess.  I never smelled smoke.

For me it is rather pointless remembering these changes when I am struggling so much just to hang on.

I’ll stop eating food, I guess and going to the store.  It seems to be the only answer I can find.

So much bad done to me.  I am having such a hard time knowing what to do with all the bad in my life, then how to find a place to put the bad away in my headspace.

Still shock at how much I do not remember about that trip in Nov/Dec 2014.  Starving to death I remember.  Not being able to find decent shelter or afford decent shelter – I remember.  Not being able to do anything other than drive, drive, drive and drive so more – I remember.  Feeling like someone had altered every piece of clothing making terrible judgement calls on my character to the point I had to throw them all away and have nothing not even a bra to wear – I remember.

I don’t remember any scenery.  I don’t remember the way the sky looked or colors in the setting sun or anything one would normally remember while driving.

So much bad done to me beyond my control and I not only don’t know how I am going to get better, I don’t know if it is even possible to get better.

 

July 27, 2017

Edison -or-whatever-your-fucking-name-really-is,

You fucking lousy lay!

You worthless child-brat of a man!

Do you honestly think for one moment I cared for you in any way?!  I was only with you to prove to David Kahit Wolfe that I was not a threat.  So, he would stop following me and having me watched!

At the very sound of your voice, I exclaimed, OH MY GOD SHUT UP!!

We were never a match in any way!

It was nothing more than a set-up!

I saw the look of fear in your false eyes when you saw the look in my eye when I saw David Kahit Wolfe sitting there at Panera.

Do you think for one moment it was you that made me funny that could for one second could ever make me laugh?!

You are the very reason I had to stop dating because of your treacherous deceit!  There is not a chance I could ever let an experience like that happen AGAIN!!!!

IT WAS NEVER YOU!!!  YOU STUPID USELESS FUCK OF A MAN!!!!!!!!!

Not a fucking chance I ever want to see you again!  Not a fucking chance do I ever want to hear you again!  Not a fucking chance do I ever want to know of your existence again!!!

I am by far the greater person!

I am by far of woman of so much better worth than a man like you should ever have been allowed to be involved, around, or anywhere near me, or my life – EVER!!!!

You think you made me?!  You think you made me into something?!

It was ONLY because of David Wolfe.

I want you removed from every part of my life permanently!

You disgusting, ugly worthless man!

YOU STAY OUT OF MY LIFE FOR GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You stay the fuck off my computer!  You stay the fuck off my internet!

YOU FUCKING MANIPULATIVE FUCK!!!!!!

You weaseled your way into my life!  You weaseled your way into a fucking job!

If I hadn’t been trying to make a point to David Kahit Wolfe I would NEVER have gone out with you!

Oh yeah, and by the fucking way after my first meeting with you I never wanted to see you again!  I was fucking manipulated, and mind-tricked into the entire experience of you!

I would rather die than EVER see you in or out of your stupid, fucking disguise!

I don’t care who the fuck you are!

I don’t care anything about you!

I never cared about you!

If you didn’t have David Wolfe telling me to get a seat I would never have sat the fuck down!

You are the most disgusting mongrel!

Stay away!  Stay out of my life!  Never come anywhere near me again!

Cherith J Gjestland

Dear Shia LaBeouf,

Meeting at a frozen yogurt shop, I was so very late.   I was rather surprised since all my other previous dates had been chubby or padded, you were fit.  You had an unusual face – chipmunk cheeks.  I tried to explain the reason for my lateness by means of going to the wrong location which is true.

What I did not explain – how could I explain – that I knew I was being followed there.  The real reason for my lateness.  The real reason why I have been continually late for so long now is simply this: how do I explain that I am being followed and monitored and I do not understand why.  Can you possibly imagine how that can mess with a person’s head?  I can’t even now explain it other than to say my head has become this swirling mess of un-understandables.

Greeted you with a hug and tried to have a conversation with you, my date.  However, nothing made sense.  Your profile, your texts, meeting you and your conversation.  So, as much as I enjoyed just speaking with you when the date ended I did not give you a hug good-bye, nor did I give any polite, I’ll call you nonsense.  In my gut, there was something wrong, and I couldn’t understand what it was.  It was all off.

Did you know I went to Target afterward?  I couldn’t just return home because it was all so off.  I bought two wigs, I’m not quite sure why.  I guess I felt the need to be someone else, someone who wasn’t going to be followed.  I remember walking to the front to check out, and the man walking in opposite direction from me checking out the contents of my cart.  It did not feel as if it was an accident, he was purposefully making note of my purchases.

I am sorry you had to wait so long for me to show up.  It was kind of you to patiently wait for me.  I did enjoy our conversation and the ease of speaking with you.  However, nothing added up correctly.

I hope in some small way understanding my perspective might be helpful.

It was lovely to meet you.

I wish you nothing but the best.

Cherith Gjestland

Dear Mr. James Franco,

You no idea the harm you have caused me.

Please listen carefully.  I never wish to see you, hear from you, know you, or in any other way ever be associated with you ever again!

I regret meeting you on the monorail that day.  How carefully set-up that was.  I knew I was being watched and followed which led me to the monorail with you in it.  You were obviously not a tourist, or a Floridian, so I asked you if you were going to work.  Because what else would someone like you be doing on the monorail?

I am not your black hole!!  It will NEVER be right again!  And, I will never be ok again!

I am not your cat, or dog, or horse, or pet of any kind!

We are not now, nor will we ever be in the future, friends.  You were a co-worker once who fell asleep in front of me, and nothing more.

You set me up on the worst dating experience of my life!  You had to watch from the other side of glass because you were already not available.  Because you didn’t want to be the one in the room.  Because you couldn’t speak to me face to face.

Let me begin with this, I never want to see you again.  I never want to hear from you, to know about you, or in any other way be connected, tied, or associated with you.

You will never be able to begin to heal the hurt that you have caused!  Years later and I am still not okay!  You, lying sack of shit!

I wish there was something more meaningful that I could take away from this experience, but you’ve left me void of emotions other than complete shame.

How dare you come to me          saying your head should rest on my chest.  I don’t know you!  I don’t want to know you!  Then, I have women constantly making sexual overtures at me because of you!  You’ve made me despise my own sex just to get away from you!

I feel you have raped my mind, body, and soul for your financial profits.  I am not in a better place having known you.

I am not your secret code agent!

I want to be able to breathe again!

Let’s get something straight right now, you did not teach me to paint!  I painted long before I ever knew you.

Fuck you with your beards vs. moustaches, with your men vs. woman!  Fuck you for not allowing me the freedom of choice, and the freedom to eat and need in life!  Fuck you with your hard vs. soft!  Fuck you with your baby bullshit making me gain weight and bulk!  Fuck you with your making me wear diapers!  Fuck you with your driving game!  Fuck you with your utter lack of respect for me as a person, as an individual, as a woman and not a child, as a competent, talented, and good enough without having to change for any man, woman!  Fuck you for not listening to me.

Do you know having been imprisoned here – since I am no longer able to live in my own home – I have given up on all dreams for my future, for planning my life, given up on all desires including men, writing, or anything I have ever done in the arts.  How could you possibly think you could have a positive effect on me?!  Turning me into some sort of pet project, making me change every single thing about myself including the color of my own skin?!

I would say I am disenchanted with you, but it goes well beyond that.  I cannot believe the years I have wasted my life being forced to believe that it was real.  Playing along that you were real when all along you and everything along with you is simply unavailable, to be polite.

Did you think that just because I shook hands with a celebrity – you – that I would fall down in ecstasy?!  That I would be so flattered I would wet myself?!

You are the biggest egoist I have ever known!

No matter what anyone says to me.  No matter what anyone will say to me it was not you, nor will it ever be you.

We live in different worlds and that is how it should be.  You should live and stay in your world.  I am happy for you that you are successful and happy in your life.  However, I want you to know I do not wish for our worlds to ever collide again.

You have no idea what you have done to me, nor do you care how I am treated.  I think it must be impossible for you to think beyond your ego.

I am tired of going to the window for you!  I am tired of the direction you take me!

In my mind, I have punched your face a thousand times for everything you have taken from me, for everything I no longer am, for the unbearable humiliation and shame I must endure because of you.

I am trying so hard to remain civil, however I want to scream at the top of my lungs about the hurt and humiliation you’ve caused.

I am not now nor will I be in love or care for you at all.

Soft, does not, nor has it ever opened this box.

You fucking asshole!

I don’t care about the TiVo commercial, or WDW expo audition that I didn’t book.

You stay away from me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you think I would be flattered, or think it was real speaking to you at Disney on the phone while you spoke of your wife?!  Did you actually think I could deceive myself into thinking that you and I would ever be real?!  Nothing more than a stupid metaphor and story line for me to follow along with.

You had to threaten me with losing my      in order to fake-believe in you, or turn your direction.  What does that say about you?  The fake dates, and you think you can or should be able to teach me something?!

You owe me more than an apology.  You WILL do right by me which is not a direction, and this is not a request.  What you have taken from me, from my life, from my very soul you will NEVER be able to replace, or repair.

If the only way that you are able to correct the problem is to never come near me again, or ever be involved with anything in my life again – YOU WILL DO IT!

I have not nor will I ever shed a tear for you!

You are a terrible woman!

None of this should come as a surprise to you.  I have been saying this through my computers, and phones for years now!

The state of depression that I am in is because of you.  Drugging me, medicating me, hurting me all for the sake of your ego alone!

How is it my mother died?!  You fucking asshole?!

Making me live this way for your benefit alone.  How deceitful and cowardly you are.

There is nothing more I wish to say to you.  There is nothing you could ever say to me that will ever make it okay.

You left me unable to ever have children again, and a scar that always hurts.

You left me without the freedom of choice all because I believed in a man that was not you.

I will forgive you.  I will forgive you for my benefit.  I do not want this deceit and hurt to define the rest of my life.

I wish you nothing but the best.

I will not forget.

Cherith Gjestland

 

June 27, 2017

Dear Mr.               ,

I feel like drinking a pot of coffee, and all the bacon and sausage I can find.  Throw in some eggs and fruit too, please.  But, I wouldn’t normally be so hung up on meat if it hadn’t been for all of this (no special coded word just talking is all).  How about you?  I imagine you sleep and eat better than me.

I am a little worried.  All this open house business.  I cannot figure anything out anymore.  Too many trixies.  Lemons are bad now?  My laundry detergent?  The dryer?

Please, I am not in love at all.  I just have to say that, so that when I go to       I am not made to feel dumb or naïve.

Here is what I understood from watching.  Green was         up.  I heard while driving that you were unaware of all the happenings and dirty tricks that were being played.  I still do not believe this.  Everyone had to know and be a part in it.  Which left me with being unable to trust anyone.  It is hard for me to distinguish between actors playing a part to “rile me up” and real conversations and help.

I need to tell you – there is a difference between small and subtle.  Small works for me.  Subtle does not work as it is too easy to be misinterpreted.

There has been a lot written and said about my caring for my mother, but the other truth is while caring for my mother, I was also taking care of my father.  I paid his bills, took care of his finances, made sure he went to the doctor which meant I made him go to the doctor and dentist, and so much more.

I feel a little like Joan Wilder in Romancing the Stone.  The place it takes me to write, it takes a while to get there, but once I am there it’s hard to stop writing.

Every day there is so much I wish to say to you for understanding and             .  I run out of time every day.

Crispy fried tired and spent.

I want to be free to make my own choices which is why I did not go the way of             since that hasn’t been the case anyway.  Also, for safety alone, I need to walk in the designated            regardless of their color.

Not done, but I have to go.

Please be careful with me.

Take care,

Cherith Gjestland

June 26, 2017

Dear Mr.             ,

I am so grossly, grossly, grossly unhappy.  When is this going to end?  I need some privacy.

June 25, 2017

Dear Mr.              ,

Good afternoon,

This is a personal conversation not to be used at           : What I believe I understood from       yesterday is that A. Grenier or Green as I have called him has been fired.  No more            or     .  What I do not understand is why all of a sudden?  You knew he was opening my mail and taking seals off of my products.  You knew he was delivering      to me that had been altered and full of calories.  You knew that he was entering my home and tampering with my products, which by the way I now need an exfoliator to get rid of this fake tan that has been placed in my soap.

I had to start using           because I was chased away from the         store, and quite frankly it is a huge help to not have to drive all day just to go to a            .  What is not a huge help is having to             on every single         .  I need this          problem to stop!

I need to be deprogrammed!  I want to be able to have products and not have to worry about glass, or metal, or cans, or anything outside of it being a good product.  I need my good opinion to remain as it is.  As I wrote earlier you would do something drastic too if you had been followed for years believing David was trying to keep you away – just to prove you were not a danger or threat in any way to David or anyone connected to him.

I am so upset about being used!  I am so upset about being manipulated!  I am so upset about that black-hole man!  He owes me an apology – forever; however, I have no idea how that can happen when I do not wish to ever see him again!  It is such an intrusion!  It is such an assault on my good character.  It is such an assault on my good character from both David and James.  It is an open wound that cannot scab.

I need help.  I need help in that it is so much easier buying products through         .  I got talked out of it as I was told I was being used as a guinea pig.

How do I get this fake tan off of me?

How do I get good lotion that will heal my dry skin?

How do I get my good WEN?

How do I get good food that I don’t have to dump down the drain as soon as it is             ?

How do I get good         without any alterations of any kind?!

How do I get to wake up and not have bags under my eyes that make me look older than I am?

A recollection: Sitting on the pavement reading a book on my lunch break because the breakroom had become an unfriendly place as all of TCS had taken a bad turn Alfredo walked up to me and asked if I needed a chair.  He went on to say he had to mow his yard, so he hoped it rained instead.  So, that he didn’t have to mow his yard.  Half-heartedly, I replied politely.  Because I knew it was David in disguise and it was literally painful to play along as if I didn’t really know him.  I remember that and not for any game or anything else.

Can you imagine how unenjoyable it would be to go to          and have be careful not to use one restroom or another or one walkway or another?  I knew better than to use that restroom and now I have a bad bum – again.  It is depressing to be treated in this way.

I’m running out of time again and I am not finished talking to you.

June 24, 2017

Dear Mr.              ,

You want me to       , but I want to recover.  So, was it RD Jr.  that wanted more interaction?  I have not finished yet with all my Thank You’s including RDjr.

This will take me a while to start getting ahead of the head…so to speak.

Keith Carradine – don’t let me forget to write.

Do you want to know something, probably not.  I am writing merely as a means to download or get it out of my head.  Because I have stopped believing in all of this and you in any personal way.  This is a business for someone and nothing more.

I feel like I’ve let you down because I haven’t written any notes from the director only thank you’s.

There is such a back log and demand for my time and money, I can’t keep up with it all.

Can you tell me exactly what I did wrong that I was treated to that               delivery?

I had to buy that French vanilla creamer to counteract the Dunkin Doughnuts creamer.

The only reason I drove                   is to keep anyone out of my house.  And for this reason only.

I’m sorry, I didn’t get to any Director’s chair writings.  I need more         off, yet I need the        .  I am planning on getting the                 .  I understand this will help somehow, but I am not quite sure how.

Watching Les Miz, I just love watching those sailing notes.  It’s what I call them when people can fly or just sail on a note effortlessly.

Do I have to open the garage door to           s?  That’s dumb.  To avoid any              mysteries and so on?!

Got to go.

Cherith

Dear Mr. David Wolfe,

How very happy I am for you.  I am so happy to discover your marriage, your success, and that you are happy in life.

We’ve shared moments in college that I will be forever grateful that I got to live them and enjoy them.  Not all of them good.

Sitting on the lawn talking, I was smoking cigarettes while talking with you.  You were going away to college.  It was going to be the last time I saw you again even though you said it wouldn’t be.  I knew you were bound for bigger things.  I hugged you good-bye and walked home, but I looked back just to see you once more.

Do you remember emailing me about whether I made it to New York or not?  I know I sent a reply trying to be witty, but I think it came across poorly since you never returned a reply.

Do you know I think I saw Andrew on campus?  I think that was his name.  He was your best friend, and after you left for University I believe it was he who called after me, maybe trying to get my attention.  I don’t know.  I didn’t speak to him.  I only recalled it later.

Do you know that after my mother had her very last stroke, I sat by her bedside with my back to the open door – very unlike me – praying over and over and over for hours for her to be healed.  The nurse walked in flipped on the light switch, quickly turning to face me expecting to find me napping.  And asked, are you having a good visit?  Then, asked me to leave.  I walked out of her room into the hall I heard your name whispered in my ear – quite audibly.

It took me a long time to piece together all the phone calls you made to me while I was working at Disney.  I looked you up on the internet, I tried to understand who you were then.  If you were different from the David I knew before.  It was wrong of me to do.  I am sorry I ever looked you up on-line.  It was a mistake that should never have happened.

I tried to be your friend again because there was such an ease to our conversations, regardless of all the other yelling and screaming that happened.  There were other times when I could just talk to you.

I was unaware at that cast party, where you were drinking Guiness on the sofa, that going out and smoking a cigar from the show just to see what it was like might or could in any way hurt you.  I am sorry if that act in any way caused you pain, hurt, or discomfort.

I am sorry I had to unfriend you on fb.  I want you to know I was protecting my family.  I’m sorry it ever took place to begin with, perhaps – no, I think it would have been better had I never contacted you again.  For everyone concerned.

There was so much going on at the time.  I believe I’ve been followed, listened in on, my computer hacked, etc.  I was trying to understand who and why would any person do such a thing.  I took it out on you trying to get answers.  You never responded to me, other than the one time of calling me delusional.  That was when I understood you shut the door.

Still, I didn’t believe you.  I kept trying to make amends, but that was wrong of me.  I never should have contacted you again.  You wanted me out of your life, and it was wrong of me to believe otherwise.  I am sorry if I’ve caused pain or discomfort at all over the years.

Walking into Starbucks on my lunch break, instead of walking to the counter I naturally started walking to where you were sitting.  I felt myself just starting to say, hello.  When what felt like a heavy steel door slam into my mind’s eye as I recalled your words – delusional.  I believed you meant those words for reasons I didn’t and still don’t understand.  So, I turned from you and went about my day.  I looked back just to check my memory when I saw you wearing ankle socks.  I have no idea why I remember you wore ankle socks.

I believed I had made it once I was back at work, a co-worker approached me and she knew I had just seen you.  My whole body trembled with mortification.  I could go on, but based on previous communications I know hearing from me is not important.

I used to believe we could always be friends, as we were in college.  Even in college who you were dating didn’t matter we could still talk.  For me, this has changed.  The happy memories I used to hold onto have turned into a world of hurt, humiliation, and shame.  I cannot control or contain the hurt I feel because of you.

I am tired of feeling ashamed for having cared for you before.  I am tired of being put down for believing in you when you did not do the same for me.  I am where I am, and you are where you are, and some things will never be.

I worked in a store once, there was an Alfredo there.  I asked if I could call him Fredo because he felt like family.

There was a time in college, I was standing up in front of everyone, I don’t remember what for.  You were in the front row with this big eager grin on your face.  I couldn’t tell if you were trying to make fun of me, or interested in what I had to say.  I called you Dave, and asked if it bothered you at all for me to call you Dave.  You said it didn’t matter.  From then on, sometimes I called you Dave and sometimes you were David to me.

Do you remember that Halloween spending the night drinking?  As night turned into morning we all decided to go out for breakfast.  I was so excited because I was going to be able to spend more time with you.  Then, I don’t know what you said exactly, but you destroyed me, and made me feel stupid again in a sentence.  Driving to Denny’s I steeled my heart to protect myself from you.  When I got to Denny’s you were playing at those vending machine games.  You won that stuffed animal.  Handing me a Halloween bear with bats on the feet.  I believed you were trying to make fun of me again so I refused to take it.  The bear was still in the theater several days later, I finally took it home.

When I was cleaning out the house packing things to move, I found the bear again.  My mother had kept it.  I was going through boxes she had packed away before her strokes – we were going to move before she had her strokes – and lo and behold there was the bear I was still uncertain whether you meant it to make up for hurting me, or if it was another way for you to make fun of me.  It was one thing I could never tell with you, your sincerity.

You know, I dated a man once – at least I think it was a man – who talked like you which is the only way that man could have ever come near me.  I am so far out of his league and can’t believe we were paired.  It was the worst dating experience of my life.  The worst gift anyone could give.  I wish it had never happened and I could erase it from my mind entirely.

This life I’m living is so ridiculous I can barely feel anything other than extreme rage.  Why would anyone want to make another person feel that way?!  It’s embarrassing being forced to choose between men.

For me, there is so much hurt caused in your name.

I want you to know that I will always love you.  However, I am not in love with you, nor have I ever been in love with you.  It is not the same thing at all.

I hope in some small way this can ease any hurt I may have caused.

Congratulations.  Good luck.  I am truly so happy for you.

Cherith Gjestland