WE – DO NOT AGREE!

This is something I wrote several months ago.  I am still working on this, I am working on whether or not this still applies to me.  I will be writing about Twilight in the near future, so I will respond to that point when I get to write it.  However, men and happy endings, romance, fairy-tale bliss has never been a reality for me, or what has happened in my life.  Every woman deserves to be the leading lady in her own life, and not someone left, or shared, or cast aside alone in a bubble.  Yet God help me, I will love men until the day I die, and perhaps even after that.

It occurred to me today the reason I was always Team Jacob when reading the Twilight books before has to do with my own relationships and romantic life.

I have never experienced a happy ending with any of the men I’ve dated, slept with, or almost married.

I have never been the girl the man sweeps off her feet or has her dreams come true.  So, how could I have ever related to the character Bella when I’ve never experienced that for myself?

Don’t get me wrong I have always enjoyed the Bella and Edward story I just never felt how that story line could ever apply to me – such fantasy.

Hard to imagine being a woman and not even allowing yourself the fantasy of being loved by a man who would love you in return for the rest of your life.  Yet, I am understanding – I guess my whole life I’ve never envisioned that there would be a man who would want to be with me for the rest of my life.

I’ve never visualized that future – ever.

Perhaps because there are so few men that I’ve met that can hold me and hold my attention.  It’s not a sex thing or being friends with men it has to do with that thing that indescribable quality that draws me in.

Really it should be rare to find that quality.

But, I should be visualizing a future where I can share and spend it with a man who is worthy and who is good and kind to me.

Or, maybe it isn’t important.

It does seem impossible for me, or maybe that is how I protect myself believing that fantasy and happy ending can happen for others but not for myself.

Everyone deserves a happy ending but me.  What’s wrong with that picture?  What’s wrong with me?  Besides the million and one crazy things that happen around me these past, how many years is it now?

Oh well.

Time to go to sleep.

I’ll try and work on the visualizing.

Who could really blame me given these last few years that have been done to me

Go to hell Adrian Grenier!

Did you stop to think about what it would be like to have to live this way?  It doesn’t matter to you because you are not living this way.

Go to hell for making me gain weight for no reason.

Go to hell for giving me germs and diseases.

Go to hell for making me feel shamed and bad when I did not buy a $40 Acapulco t-shirt when I was out of a job and did not even have $40 to my name.

Go to hell for assaulting my character so badly I felt I had to donate my possessions in order to purge myself.

I most certainly enjoyed making you laugh and laughing with you at The Container Store, however that does not give you the right to violate a woman’s vagina.

Go to hell Green.  Any happy and worthwhile memories I had with you ended at The Container Store.

When once you were my source of help – has changed.  You have left me to feel afraid, insecure, unstable, uncertain, and unable to take care of myself.  You cause me panic, self-doubt, and stress for no cause.

I had to mention it here, for it should be known of my great unhappiness.

Clearly, the only thing that is important to you David – is money.  Clearly, you care nothing for my happiness, welfare, contentment, or me in any way – at all.  If you did care, you would have allowed me to take care of myself on my own without any ghosts in the walls, or strangers in the attic.

You have taken a very powerful woman – a woman willing to be small for the sake of others – and turned me into a depleted non-person all so YOU could make money off of me.

I wish I had never met you!

Till the end of my days, I will never see you the same again.

Hey Kahit,

Fuck you, man!

How fucking dare you!

I am hurt by you most of all.

It is such a violation.

You fucking thought I was gay because I contacted you?!  Fuck you!

I am sorry I ever went out of my way reach out to you.

I will never look at you the same again!  You knew what you were doing.  You have lied to me for years!  Either side of the glass it was never you.  I have only had to choose you as a way of staying employed.

If I ever see you again, I will do the same thing I did at Starbucks.  I will not look you in the eyes.  I will walk out the door again.  And, I will not look back this time.

Turns out my regret is not in telling you how important you were to me in college, turns out my regret is ever having looked you up or contacting you in any way even though I was aware you saw me and called me at work.

I am very well aware that college is long gone.  It has been that way for years.  Years.

Whatever I thought used to be between you and me has left me a long fucking time ago.  I know it is the same for you as well.

So, please do me the favor of letting me go.

Please do me the favor of allowing me to meet men that I like, that I find sexually attractive.

Please do me the favor of keeping your skin-suits to yourself.  You lied to me, you deceived me, you tricked me.

I just wanted you to know that I was not a bad person.  I wanted you to know I was not going to retaliate even though I was aware you were around.  I went out of my way to let you know I could have a relationship with a man and we did not have to be friends or know each other anymore.

Unfortunately, for me pretending to be in a relationship – it wasn’t even a relationship, I have no idea how to classify what that fucker was – proved and has proven to be the end of everything I ever wanted to be.

If it were up to me I would never see you again.

I can never be friends with you again after that.  Which was the point of that experiment – to ruin every connection.

I have tried for years to get away from you.

I never wanted to return here to Florida.

I guess I used your middle name because I don’t want to call you David or Dave anymore.

How fucking dare you to presume I was gay because I contacted you.

How fucking dare you assume I was gay at all.

I can never listen to that radio again because of my hands.

Please allow me to move on with my life.  Please let go of me.

Either side of the glass it was never you.

How fucking dare you!

I miss my cats.

I miss Thursday and Tuesday.

I miss when I had friends who were not spies.

I miss sharing food with friends and family.

I miss being a real person.

David Wolfe and James Franco, the two of you do not know the first thing about creating an environment of cooperation, enthusiasm, respect, and mutual benefit.  You two are the worst employers I’ve had to work with.  Every time it is the most un-enjoyable experience possible.

It is not easy in any way what it is I do.  There is no one that does and can do everything I do for as long as I have.

BTW, I no longer have my vision of movement during my punched in hours due to the pet steps, and the lack of freedom in my movement due to the timed goals.  It’s gone.  What I once saw is gone.  What I once saw as possible is gone.

I am more than a mindless, emotionless thing to order about.  I am more than chores and tasks.  I cannot model or follow after the goals of a game because I FEEL!!!  I have FEELINGS!!!!!  Cleaning something is more than an action it carries pain, frustration, hardship, discomfort, and dissatisfaction.

Neither of you make any allowances for rest and recuperation.  The time spent with either of you cannot be made up in my time off.  Both of you make excuses for your timing, and my frustration.  But, neither of you make any concessions toward me or what I want!

It is MY brain after all.

Oh, and BTW, please stop stringing me along.  Marriage after all is NOT a job, it is NOT arranged it is consensual and not forced upon.  I am not a such a simpleton to believe in this waiting nonsense.  I have eyes.  I have eyes of my own.  My eyes have seen the truth.

 

As I see it baby pants, you have placed me in a position of dependence because you have not allowed me to afford this place, and my life on my own.

It is not a place to be taught a lesson for it has no place there.

As I see it – it is a place of help only as it should be a place of help.

Sundays have always been family day.  Sundays are the day the family went to church together, then went out to eat together.  Church days, however are for another story.

I long for the Sundays of endless mugs of warm coffee brewed with cinnamon, vanilla, and sugar filling my nose and the air with happiness while reading the Sunday paper sprawled over a chair.  Combing through the ads for the best pricing on clothes, gadgets and devices, and discovering new products.

Having a late brunch.  Food and dishes set out informally and in no particular order to be followed by wonderful, lovely pots of tea with real cream or evaporated milk, and real sugar.

So, when I am playing a game like The Sims, I want them to be able to eat as a family.  I want to be able to select not a plate, but an option that allows for everyone to sit together and eat, drink, and chat at the same time.  Even a Sim who has no emotions or feelings, I want them to be able to spend that important time with one another.

Watching Sunday Morning Shoot-Out as my new church.  For movies and films had become my place of inspiration, reverence, and unending exploration of thought and conversation.

Watching a movie in the afternoon, or taking a nap to clear the mind of the week’s stresses.  Spending time with each other, just having everyone near without the constant need of trivial talking.

Sundays are family day, and without a home base it is just another passing of a day.

My mind in a mess from inexcusable busy-ness, avoidable stress, hardship, heartbreak, and the loss of a life filled with people, love, and a man of my own who would love me for life.  So, I sit here longing for the times that once were because nothing else is worthwhile anymore.