Author: Hcdgvbbcfhhg

I want to be understood.  I do not want to act, or sing, be on television, or in a movie, or be famous.  Because of the last several years I do not even wish I was born.

The most recent experience I’ve had has been enduring sexual assault and humiliation just to be on television.

I want all my teeth extracted just for relief.

The only solution I see out of this is suicide.  

No one can say I never let anyone know there was a problem.

It seems no one has chosen to help me.

Their only wish is to sexually humiliate me daily.

When you have gone to every resource possible, when you have gone to every person you know and can, when you have told as many people as you can, when you have done everything you can think of to find, get, and receive help, yet you are received, turned down, given a deaf ear, and worse misled, turned away, given no compassion, understanding, or help – what other recourse could a person have?!

If you have been shouting from the rooftops – not just for days, but for years now – this is too much for me, I don’t like this, this is not what I want, I can’t deal/handle/manage with this surrounding environment, circumstances, and situation any longer, yet nothing happens.  People choose to ignore you and walk away.

If you have sought every source to help you out of the final breaking point from which there is no return – still nothing happens and everyone ignores you and carries on as if you have not just been screaming in their face, what other choice do you have?

What has been happening to me for the last several years is so unnatural, so un-me, so terrible it has left me in the darkest place possible where I no longer want to wake up in the morning.  Still I know I have told as many people as I possibly can that I am in this emotional, mental place of suicide and depression, and no one has even bothered to stop what they are doing to listen to me and help me.

I am right.  I am correct when I say I have spoken, written, and advised countless people I am at a terrible emotional state where I only dream of ways to kill myself as the only solution I know possible to end the charade and parody that has become my life.  For years I have been screaming I want to deactivate all of it.  Yet, people look me in the eye, uncaring, then look the other direction.

I want to live my life in obscurity any longer.  I want to be left in peace.

I am afraid that will not happen and my only other recourse will have to be suicide.

I do not recognize myself anymore.

Everyday I look in the mirror.  All I see is sadness.  So much sadness, so tired, so much pain, and brokeness.

Where did I go?

I was never able to return when I left.

However, the truth is I was no longer myself anymore when I left.

Someone underestimated the strength of me.

The problem is they succeeded.

You cannot take one moment in time and think you know me.

You cannot take the present now and judge who or what you may think I am.

You have to take into consideration the day I had before, the day I had before that, the day I had before that, the weeks and months and years that led up to the present now to even begin to understand my point of view, my voice, my life, who I am and who I should become.

Every day we pass judgements upon people we meet or see, however you can never really know a person – even if by some chance you were allowed to know what a person was thinking in an exact moment, you still cannot really understand a person until you are in their life.  For there is no one living and experiencing that person’s present other than the person experiencing it and living with its consequences.  You cannot be on the outside looking in.

Maybe you do only get one true love in a lifetime, or maybe you get a few in a lifetime, I don’t know.  What I know for certain.  I am not loved in my now.

When did my life become some game for someone else to use and control without my consent or permission?!

When did my life become a mirror that looks back at me in return without my permission?

When did my house and home become open without my permission?

What a great egoist a man would have to be to make a game out of choosing him at a door, on a toilet, etc.

A man should go to the woman.  Take time for her.  Bend and shape his life around her if she is who he wants in his life.

He should not make her feels like some pet or animal, or game show, or order her about, or alter her food causing her to gain weight, tell her when or how to exercise, or invade any part of her life without permission.
I am not incorrect.  I did not give permission or authority to any such activities.

There are worse things in life than having cared deeply for a man once and still remember him for what he inspired in you and remember that goodness in times of grief and pain.  It is certainly not a crime to remember a man, remember him well, and wish nothing but his great happiness – always.

It is called having a heart wanting to use that heart correctly with purpose and meaning.

There are worse things in life than not only waiting but demanding for not just any random Joe, but a man who will love me straight and true.  Take me in his arms, make me feel special and loved, more importantly waiting for the man who will inspire and hold me, be my tethering point above any other man.  Call me old-fashioned but he will have to find me and not the other way around.

I have been so badly treated, misjudged, hurt and harmed for sport, misrepresented, and mischaracterized.  If it has not happened in truth I have been made to feel as though all of the above has occurred.

Since moving here nearly four years ago, I have never felt more alone, seperate and seperated from the rest of the world, and more un-like myself.  This is not my home in any way.

So tired of this false reality around me.

When a man touches, violates, harms, or invades any personal space through the air or any other form on a woman without permission that is called – RAPE!

When a woman touches, violates, harms, or invades any personal space through the air or any other form on a woman without permission that is called – RAPE!

It can only be called pleasure if it is consensual – if it is NOT that is called – RAPE!

Today feels wrong or bad somehow.  I can’t explain it.

All things come to an end eventually, right?

A story begins, a situation begins, a job begins, a circumstance begins, but it all must end some day.

I need it to end.  I need an end so bad – it is literally killing me.

The demands upon me that no one can see are unbearably great.

I need an end.

By the way, does anyone want a cat?  I’m going to have to give him away since he’s developed behavioral bladder problems.

If a man is interested he will find a way.  If he is not, he is not.  It is not that complicated.

If a man is interested he will fight for you and not the other way around.  If a man is interested he will protect you, and not leave you out to dry.

But, honestly why would he be…just look at me.  I couldn’t be anymore plain and simple.

For once I would like someone to say here are the keys back to your life.  I’m sorry we lied to you, manipulated you, deceived you, fooled you, betrayed you, harmed you, and hurt you.

Fuck.  You don’t even have to say sorry.  Just let me go on with my plain, boring, ordinary, uninteresting life.

It is better for everyone.  I just don’t belong in your world.  It has been proven and spoken to me.

I write the truth here.

I would never wish harm to anyone regardless of how they have hurt me.  I am happy for all of you.

Please let me go.

If you ever even had a passing thought about me, you’d let me go.  You’ve carried on too long in this way.

Please let me go.

If you were wrong.  You’d find a way to make it up to me.

You need to let me go.

As I understand it, you’re better and happier without me, so let me go.