Author: Hcdgvbbcfhhg

So, I enjoy trying new beauty products and seeing the best version of me.  I am going to be starting another series of postings with sharing my opinions on the beauty products I purchase.  It is one way of keeping my products safe from alteration.

I do enjoy Sephora, it is nice doing business with companies that offer freebies as suggestions to encourage other products and so forth.  I purchased their monthly sample products and here is what I have tried so far.

Origins Clear Improvement – Not the best smell, bit it did tighten my skin and appear as though my pores were reduced.  However, it did nothing for the unnatural bags that appear under my eyes.  If you ever see me with bags under my eyes it is not naturally occurring to me.  Someone else is to blame.  Either Origins could do better on their product or someone else is to blame.

Burberry fragrance – Fragrance has become someone else’s issue in my life.  However, this is not a bad smell.  It smells feminine which is better than I have smelled in quite some time.  It is not overpowering.  It’s nice.

Sephora Lip Luxury – Yuck!  Waxy feeling when I applied this.  Not worth trying a second time.  Threw it away!

Just a note before I go,

It seems we don’t know how to end a day without arguing, I know now why that is.

The time apart and separated from you cuts to the core of my soul with such an unhappy and unpleasant emptiness I find myself lashing out trying to be nearer to you.

For I do not truly exist when you are not by my side.

If today – with grave cruelty – came to be my last, it is the heart of you I will hold onto, for it can never be extinguished.

How very grateful I am for every moment shared with you.  For the rest of the world is meaningless and pale while we are apart.

Til the end of time, back again, to the dawn of time.

I originally wrote this years ago – just in a moment.  It is not addressed to any man in particular.  It is more of a compilation of men in my life, or maybe a dream and wish of a man to share my life.

For breakfast, I want a flax-seed and whole wheat waffle, lightly buttered, drizzled with maple syrup the real kind that still tastes of the cool outdoors not the fake flavored and over sweetened kind, with fresh sliced strawberries and raspberries on top, a dollop of fresh whipped cream and dusted with cinnamon.  Cooked turkey bacon coated with maple syrup and fresh cracked pepper placed in the oven for a few minutes to get extra crispy.  Some ruby-red grapefruit juice and a bountiful pot of fresh brewed coffee served with cream and sugar.

But, I am sick – I wonder why I am sick, jealous bitches don’t know how to get along or be nice or play well together – so, I need fresh squeezed orange juice, buttered bread with sliced garlic then toasted, I need to eat that all day long stinking up the whole house so much vapors waft from the windows and doors, coffee to keep me going because all I want to do is rest my body, chicken soup, but just the stock – the real stock that hasn’t been sieved clear with buttered and salted matzo crackers, endless Emergen-C packets til my body sends me to the bathroom telling me I’ve gotten enough vitamin C, a hot mustard plaster on my chest and back, tei-fu oil filling my nose, and mugs and mugs of hot lemon and honey.

This girl does not chase boys.  This girl does not chase men.  This woman waits to be pursued by a worthy man willing to go out of his way for her.  This woman waits for the man to ask for her number, and to ask her out.  This woman wants to be courted, and have him take his time with her, and not rush her out the door to the next woman.  For when a man gets this woman’s love – my love, he will never be the same again.

Perhaps it is old-fashioned, but I prefer a man to be a man.

Everyone involved in handling me, air-controlling me, pet training me, dog training me – SHOULD ALL BE FIRED IT NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED!!!!

What I will be writing will be beyond scathing, so buckle up for I will not hold back.  As I am THE ONE telling the whole truth at the expense of my extreme embarrassment, pain, hurt, despair, and year of wasted tears!

I will not masturbate anymore.  I have gone celibate in part due to all the soap mishandling.  I will not discuss this any further today.

I bought a light because it was an air-purifier.  I was using it as a means to protect myself from the air-handling.  For I will no longer wear a mask, you will see what you have done to me.  You will see my pain.  You will see the person who used to be filled with light, happiness, love for all is forever gone.  I have turned that light off because what I received was a listening device inside the light.

So, let’s go all the way back to the beginning starting with the blue tooth or a device placed in my tooth to hear my thoughts which is used in conjunction with my wasted belly which is devoid of my reproductive parts.  The shame from that loss I will never fully be able to write or share.

Based on what evidence did someone have the right to follow me, place a device in my head and belly?  I never hurt anyone.  I never even looked at people inappropriately.  The worst thing I’ve done is occasionally look at children and wonder, how old would he be if he was still alive?  From the loss of losing a baby which I will not go into at this time.

I used to say that I do not drink when I am writing which allowed someone to distort this truth into something else.  It no longer holds true.  When I write – when I really write and not report on mishandling and abuse – I become completely absorbed as it should be.  It is the only way to get all the way down to that well of truth we hold with ourselves.

I want it to be known I was NOT choosing the tire on the back of the vehicle when I was driving the other day.  I simply choose NOT to wait behind a big truck just like every other logical-thinking person would do when driving.  And for no other reason.  You contrive these so-called victories that are not true or real.  Any person would move out-of-the-way if possible than to stay behind a larger vehicle.

I chose not to go to work at Hilton when I learned it was Casey behind the employment.  It wasn’t just the two-hour drive one way.  What logical, sane, reasonable person would drive four hours a day unless they were getting paid a huge salary which was not the case.  Also, I despised having to talk phone calls from Casey while working at Disney and being forced to swallow and have phlegm in my mouth and throat.  It is a terrible idea for a show!

David, I saw you at Starbucks.  I saw you walking into Starbucks and lightly tap your left hand on your right font pocket which has turned into this virtual-reality sign.  When you walked in I placed my water bottle on my right hip which is where I place my car keys – this is something I have been told/trained to do when I see someone make a sign to show you see them.  When I left I saw you standing in line with your legs spread apart.  I only walk that way because it is the safest way.

As far as gas goes today – it has become a moot point at this time.  I do not have time to go into what happened the last time I was at the gas station, so to be fair it is a moot point.  I have to keep the bluetooth from having an unfair advantage and possibly distorting the real truth as it happened to me and no one else.  Because you WILL work together.  You will stop competing with me, you will stop taking turns pulling me apart!  You will listen to me from now on!  You will stop this nonsense at once.  I do not have time to go into this any further.

David, I did not cross the street in Las Vegas when I saw the sunburned man holding a Dachshund because I want to move on from you.  I do not want to hear, or seem or be you friend, or anything ever again – so changed are my feelings for you.

I don’t feel good today, I wonder why that is?!

I will be writing an abolishment to all former rules – such as purple is supposed to be allergy-free.

Your brain cannot live and thrive outside of the skull which is what this is – which is what this whole isolation is making my brain live outside of its own skull.  Wasted years.

There should be a separation between home life and work life.  Husbands and wives shouldn’t always work together, friends, former lovers, etc. shouldn’t always work together.

Under no circumstances whatsoever should any person be allowed entry or entrance into my home regardless of the lock!!!!!!!!  EVER!!!!  This must stop at ONCE!!!  Once and for all!!!!

I am not done yet.

What the hell was that today?!

What the hell is wrong with you?!

How is it that I write the truth, I saw the truth, I SEE the truth and for this someone else GETS TO HAVE THE RIGHT TO PUNISH ME FOR IT BY KEEPING ME BROKE AND POOR, SICK AND TIRED, AND ENTIRELY ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I was at The Container Store and a person started talking about being part Spanish, I quickly talked about how I knew DAVID WOLFE went to Pamplona to run with the bulls because I wanted it to be clearly KNOWN it was DAVID WOLFE and no one else – and I don’t have to explain that any further.

I want to move on.  I want to move on from constantly talking and writing about David Wolfe .  I am tired of having to KEEP THE STORY STRAIGHT.  It is so dumb!  It is so beyond idiotic all of this which is why I REFUSE TO DRIVE AROUND IN CIRCLES ANYMORE!  I HAVE DESPISED IT FOR YEARS NOW!

Of course, it is ONLY men I have ever wanted to sleep with, have a relationship with, or spend the rest of my life with – I was born that way.  I should not have to prove that to anybody.  I should not have to prove that anymore.  I forgive myself for Edison because I was tricked, manipulated, and deceived.  I was not the one wearing a skin-suit.  I was not wearing a mask.  I was nothing but honest.  However, it altered everything and everyone involved – it changed how I felt and feel for everyone.  And, you know what, you just imagine what it might be like for a woman to have all her reproductive organs removed, her intestines, her bowels moved and scraped, stitched from the inside and outside, and then feel the same when having sex.

David Wolfe, I wrote a note before I left to try to leave Florida and you behind once and for all.  In the note I wrote how I must have the Obama virus for which I will never be cured.  I had no idea who or what the Obama virus was or is about.  The reason I wrote it – I wanted it known I was and still am unwilling to give up, or let those moments I had with you in college become perverted or degrading in any way.  What I have learned in these last several years is that some people are incapable of understanding, or knowing in any way what you and I had feels like.  It is a terrible shame for every person deserves love.  Every person deserves to have a soft place to land, a person who is the center to their whole, a person for whom the whole world disappears.

Make no mistake David, I had moments with you, but we never really dated, you never kissed me, we were barely friends.  So, I held those moments separately from a romantic love.

I deserve to have a man want me enough to keep me for the rest of his life, and I in turn want him to keep me for the rest of my life.  Love is never and can never be one-sided.  It never works if it only comes from one person.

I do not love you David.  I am not in love with you David.  I feel nothing for you anymore.

Skin should be soft.  A woman’s skin should be soft.  I am a woman.  I have never wanted to be a man in any way.  My skin should be soft.  Feet, armpits, crotch, and others should stay dry.

It is not a good sign when I cannot and do not open my blinds.  It is not an all clear sign.

Virginia, I have much admiration and respect for the persons I have seen.  He is special – that is how I saw him.  I don’t have any other understanding or comprehension beyond that, but he did stand out as special.  Higher Power – is very  interesting and there is much others learn from him.  Others want to call him Fatboy,  however that is not what I saw first.  The body sometimes is more of a condition rather than a container or vessel for the soul and mind.  I could list other Virginian’s but I have to go make money.  I do not deserve to live a life in isolation entirely alone without any friends or people, which is why I do not choose Virginia.

Method is for acting.  I am not acting, nor am I an actor.  What I have learned –  with the exception of feet-stomping, “my woman” (I want it understood this is in no way sexual or anything otherwise other than a term of endearment – “my woman” – Denzel Wasington) because even when they make me sick, have taken my sight from me, conspire to kill me in small and measured doses, stripped me of dignity, vanity, cleanliness, love, family, animals, and friendship I still have chosen his talent, ability, and that undefinable thing that can only be felt – is that actors are liars which is why I am not an actor.  Again, in case you did not read or hear it the first time, method is for acting and it has no place in a business.

However, from now on I will ONLY CHOOSE me.  I am number 1.  I choose me!

Now, I have no problem, or nervousness of any kind when talking to celebrities or rich and powerful persons I have been doing it long before 2012 and The Container Store.  I can’t even list all the people I spoke with while working at Disney, David Wolfe, James Franco, Kristin Wiig, and so on.  I have no problem because I always saw myself as an equal, as a peer, as someone who belonged there and had a place beyond my circumstance.  Since, then things have changed for me and I wish to never be a apart of that world – ever again!

Let it be said, I was the one who painted Mt. Hood, I was the one who sketched a dog in middle school, I was the one who sketched the eagle while listening to Bill Gothard speak at Basic Youth Institute.

I would love to go to the movies every week, but I cannot afford the time away from resting.  No one seems to understand how mind tired I am.

What was the point of all this?  I will never speak positively about this experience EVER!

Your rules no longer apply to me as I see and understand them, since you do not even adhere to your own set of rules.  Regardless of what I do, you disobey own code of conduct.

I purchased ear plugs to protect my hearing, I am not throwing away that money just to prove another point!

Here is my crime for which I have been punished into exile and isolation for years now – I wanted to feel sexually wanted by a man, I wanted to be loved by a man, and I wanted be in love with that man until the day I died.

I no longer cry for you of my own free will David Wolfe.  I have God moments where God whispered your name to me and others that I do not have time or the money to share right now.  But, all I wanted was to be able to tell you how much you meant to me in college that all the yelling and screaming did not stop be from wanted to be near you.  Because when you laughed at my blow job joke in reference to size does matter because my jaw does not come un-hinged – I saw something so beautiful in you I have never forgotten it.

I looked David up on the internet to find out who he was, his life, and his love.  I did it in part because I was so outside of the world I had no idea how Facebook, messaging or any of that worked or looked.  I did it in part because when I did enter the world again I did not want to be surprised by technology.  I wanted to be informed and not stupid.  I did not see any harm in looking about David or his family, or any of my former classmates or friends I had before.  It was on the internet for anyone to see, and my heart and intent NEVER came from harm.  Which is why when it appeared I was causing a problem between David and his girlfriend – I unfriended him.  At the expense of my own heart break it is better for us to not be friends if it causes him a loss in love in any way – that is how I felt at the time.  However, I wish never looked David up.

I don’t know how James Franco got to re-invent the meaning of a beard which as I always understood it to be before was a cover, or a person being used as a front for a relationship.

I HAVE NOT NOW NOR EVER WANTED OR NEEDED ANY PERSON TO PRETEND ANY RELATIONSHIP.

I wanted to feel sexually desirable after caring for my mother which kept me out of a life for years, after losing so much weight I lost another person, after having surgery it disfigured by body and distorted my body image.

So warped is and was my body image I used to look at bodies and wonder if that is what I looked like.  I used to watch myself walking by because I could not believe what I was seeing.  I could not reconcile my fat body with my new body.  I still have BIG problems with my weight.

David if you wanted to date me, you would not have dressed up as red-headed Tom who worked at Mac Dill Air Force.  After that date I said we were more like brother and sister.  If you wanted to talk to me you would have called out my name or something to make me stop as I walked by you at the AMC.  I walked past your brother too because you very clearly closed the door by calling me delusional.

I will no longer alter or change my driving route.

I once wrote sun on my shoulders makes me happy, but I cannot live with someone else’s pressure of any kind.  I am very capable of pushing myself, taking charge of myself or I never would have lost weight to begin with.

I will no longer believe in “rules’ that only apply to Cherith and no one else.

James Franco if you wanted to date me or know me, you would have done so in person.  If either you or David wanted to know me you would have done so in person.  End of discussion.

Perhaps no one can understand what passed between David and I in college.  I used to believe it would never go away or fade into the ether, but it has become lost to me.

All I wanted was a real man who was born a man has always been a man who loves women who love men who would love me and I could love in return for the rest of my life.  I have been writing and saying this since 2012.

Oh yeah, I am sick and tired of not being able to eat anything at all when working because my food is altered and tampered with forcing me into fasting in order to keep my weight down.

Guess what?  I am the person behind MY smile!

Since when did James Franco get to reinvent the meaning of a “beard?”

No one is allowed entry into my home at any time!!!!

Sitting here hot as hell worried about money, food, finances, employment, my ability to stay alive!

Why is that in Sims 4 every male avatar looks like a young David Wolfe? Who I never want to see or know of again!

Swirling, swirling, spinning, spinning faster and faster!  Have you ever had things go so fast that you are unable to recognize any details at all?  Having to go so fast that the entire world becomes nothing, you see nothing, and you understand nothing!

So, I painted a picture when I was in grade school of Mt. Hood that was chosen from all my other classmates it was framed and hung in the local frame shop.  There is more to this story, but I don’t have time to tell it or anything else anymore.

How did this get to be my whole life?!

I could have had a real job by now and made real money by now.  I wouldn’t have to be going through a bankruptcy because I would have had a job that paid me a salary I could live off of.  This bankruptcy is the most expensive thing I have ever had to do in my life!

People need to listen to me.

If my brother had listened to me he would still be living in San Diego, Ca.  He would still be employed By San Diego University.  His excuse was he wanted to write more instead of teach.  It turns out he prefers to teach.  He is a good teacher.  His students like him.  They ask him for help.  They involve him in their learning.  I’ve seen it.  Do you know how hard that is to find a teacher who likes to teach?!  It seems a obvious thing, but a lot of teachers are not teacher because they enjoy it.  It is a talent to be a teacher.  It is a tremendous thing for a teacher who has the capacity to teach.  I don’t have time to go into this more.  However, had my brother listened to me he would still be teaching, have real estate, and be in a better position financially.  He is a good teacher.

I want a private brain again.  I don’t know how to create, or write with an audience in my head, with the appliances talking and making a racket.

How did this happen to me?!

I am so depressed, unhappy, and sad all the time – this is not who I am or used to be this is what has HAPPENED to me.

Another year, another Christmas all alone without a single person to be my friend, without a boyfriend or a husband – this is not who I am!  Let alone I am unable to put up a Christmas tree #1 because I cannot afford it, and #2 the lights I have someone has replaced and put cameras in them, so I cannot even decorate in my own home.

Why is it everytime I go to work and return home someone I did not create ends up in my Sims game?!

So depressed!

As if it were iron

It stopped me

Inhaled all

And sought me

Born to a machine

It lives

With arms outward

Screaming

Grasping

Choking

Blink

Blink

Breathe, breathe, breathe

Original write date: 5/23/1996

I visited Dachau, Germany November 1988.  It was an experience I will never forget.  Driving into Dachau, the overcast sky seemed to have fallen hanging closer to our heads.  The townspeople walked with the burden of living like a coat too heavy to wear.  We had no idea how to get to the Dachau site.  My mom parked on the street asked me to get out and ask for directions.  As I approached what looked like a toll booth plaza, I didn’t even have to say anything as I was handed directions printed in many different languages courtesy of the local police department on John F. Kennedy Plaza.  I had to travel from America to wind up in Germany at a police station named after an American President.

It was an election year, and I was not yet old enough to vote.  I remember another mother and daughter on the plane with us, the daughter had a Mondale pin on her coat.  How exact opposites we were because if I could have voted I would have voted for Bush.

By the time we got to Dachau we had been in Germany for several days.  As we parked and got out at the site, the very air was different.  The pain of thousands still hung in the air with crushing pressure making it difficult to breathe.

I was teenaged blasé about the importance of the events that took place there.  We started to walk the grounds before going to the museum.  To my great shame, I recall walking by the barracks where they slept at the concentration camp thinking, it’s not so bad.

God heard me.

We came to a turn in the path, and as I turned, I saw the crematorium.  It was as if God thumped me in the head for I could not walk any further.  I was struck at the site.  A blink, and a million images flooded into my head of the torture, of the panic, of the cruelty, of the dead, of the never-ending screams.  I could see and hear.  Unending sympathy, empathy, a never-ending connection to the Jewish people instantly replaced the teenaged blasé boredom.  I was forever changed by that moment.  I couldn’t continue any further.  I couldn’t walk to the crematorium.

I had been so struck.

My mother and I went through the museum, we ate dinner, we found a hotel for the night.  Then, after having a shower and getting into my pajamas did I feel myself come out from the shock of witnessing the crematorium.

It was such an experience and I had so many other life changing experiences afterward it took me many years later to put it into words.

Yeah, God heard me.  He let me see the truth.  He let me feel it.

Years later when I auditioned for The Diary of Anne Frank and didn’t make it.  I asked to help behind the scenes.  I got to do the costumes, and something else I can’t remember.  The memory was still very present in my mind, so I organized a field trip for the actors to go to the Florida Holocaust museum, which is where I bought Sophie’s Choice.  I wanted to impart some of the importance that I witnessed and experienced to the actors, so they could use it, if nothing else, in their performance.

Upon leaving the museum, the actress who played Anne’s mother said to me, “Well, it was interesting, but I didn’t get much from it.”  You could have bowled me over with a feather (it’s an expression).  I was so stunned, here is a woman older than myself who was also a mother, but could not find anything from the museum to take with her.  I still don’t know how to understand that, other than not everyone is emotionally able to receive at each moment.  Some people go their whole lives, and are not emotionally available to receive.

Yeah, God struck me.  He let me know.  I am ashamed of my callousness still.  Because the truth is I am not an uncaring or calloused person.  It’s one of those hard-wired things you’re born with that do not change.  God made me that.  I guess the betrayal was painful to God, so He told me so.  As it turns out, the betrayal was painful to me as well.  To knowingly go against your own nature is a pain that cannot be described.