Author: Dgbcfhn

May 30, 2017

Do not for a second begin to think that I finished yelling at my computer about my environment.

Plus, I have so many other things to say as well…Just saying.

BTW, who works for more than a year without any sort of pay increase?!  It boggles my mind that I was making more money at Disney.

As I am looking at my orders from     it’s not fair to me to have to report a problem on every single one.  It is not fair to me that I must suffer this bulimia which is what it amounts to, since there are extra calories added to my food items.  In order to correct this, I have to stop eating for days.  I do not over eat.  I do not abuse food or any other substance.  I have not had much access to inexpensive, good quality food for several years.

For instance, there is no way after eating only a half an apple for a full 10 hours shift that I would still feel full and actually gain several pounds.  Which leaves me the only option of not eating at all.  For this reason, I had to stop eating lunch at work at all once I realized that my lunch that was stored in my car of a hard-boiled egg and apple slices were laced with added calories.

In addition it has been so stressful at     I do not feel safe or comfortable to eat or drink normally.

First off, I would like to say it was nice to have    offered to me.  I felt as if I had been heard from my writing.  The only reason I did not was due to my financial situation.  I must get this bankruptcy taken care of it is a huge weight and concern on my ever-present mind.

Then, to (in a way) be asked to get another computer.  The expenses are killing me.  NO one knows what this has been like – the stress it places on my mind because I am the only one who is actually living it.

For instance, having my laundry soap altered so I am sweating to death and choking on the very fiber of my clothing – how unfair to me.  Since what I did to deserve this was simply to do as I was asked to do.

I want to be in charge of my own sleep schedule.  The hand is so painful.

• I know this is out of order and rambling, so please bear with me.

I need you to protect and take care of my cooch.

I am the only one that has to worry.  When I look around my    drops.  So, I concentrate just on the work.  To have competing forces at work pulling me apart for my attention – only to have it hurt me is destructive, counter-productive, and extremely disheartening.

It is physically impossible for me get conceive or get pregnant.

The only reason I choose to                                                  fit.

I feel I must mention the Key West trip.  I did have a lovely time at the bar.  His sexual preference means nothing to me – again, I find this so unbelievably boring – as what is so clearly obvious about me I will not even mention it again.  Only one way I work.  End of discussion.  So, at the                                            .  You have no idea how difficult it is to not talk about anything.  Since, I am not able to have a real conversation with anyone it changes the whole interaction.  However, it was an enjoyable time.  I wished no one had pushed the button to put me to sleep which changed the way I viewed the evening and the encounter.

I have said this before, so if you’ve heard it I’m sorry to repeat myself.  What I like to do, what my motto is when on vacation I prefer to purchase jewelry, or art instead of the typical I went on vacation t-shirt.  Because I believe it is a more personal, unique and lasting memory of a trip.  Now, the only reason I did not get the t-shirt that day was not just because it was $30.  I certainly could have used another shirt to wear.  I still could use another shirt to wear.  The only reason I didn’t purchase the shirt was it was not personal enough to me, as a reminder, as a keepsake.  It took me such a long time, and I felt talked into buying the coffee mug that is the only reason the mug was purchased.  I was talked into the purchase.  I want to make sure this point is clear this is in no way a slight to Mr. Burton – big appreciator, truly enjoy his work.  I really had a fine time with Mr.  Hollander.  My point is this, and this is a huge problem for me creating problems for me to have to figure out, solve, or find purchases ahead of me makes me feel simple and demeaned.  If I was in charge (so to speak), if I was myself I would be so much more powerful (I can’t think of another way to say this).  Because my taste is so much greater.  I have such expensive taste.  I believe in my taste and the difference of a quality item.

Please, please, please you have no idea how it pains me to think in any way I have, or could have slighted anyone in any way.  I absolutely mean no disrespect to anyone.

It would be so much more freeing if the purchases I make could have value placed on them afterward instead of before, number one: it would relieve a great deal of stress checking and cross-checking all the labeling and descriptions, plus I would be able to find better more interesting items.

Disagree with me if you want, but I believe in my opinion.  I believe in the causes I’ve supported, I believe in the musicians, actors, directors, films, tv, and writers – just to name a few.  I believe in the value of my unique and eclectic taste as being one you cannot label – it just is.  Which is one reason I am able to sense people through disguise and make-up.

It is one reason I have believed in that tire.  It is a unique experience one that will never come along in the same way to anyone, or even me ever again.  It is an experience unlike anything else.  My greatest problem is I dislike in town driving.  The driving game of driving a specific path it is meant for the radio which recently has had a bad effect upon my health.  Hungry-man tv dinners, some of the songs controlling my path.  I want to drive, to drive.

I am forced to drive on Robin road, so as to NOT have any haz-mat and allergy problems.

The driving game is my least favorite.  I’d much prefer to be able to save up for a road-trip, or even day trips to some of the great locations within driving distance.

I don’t know how to keep people out of my house to keep them from effecting my underwear, toilet paper, soap, lotions.

I guess my only option is to find another   .

BTW, it doesn’t say it in the description, but I understand the chair I ordered to have arms and base.

A great difficulty is my financial situation as I am not able to manage my financial needs – not wants, but needs.  In part due to the constant returning of items situations.  I do not get back all of my money in the process.

My bedroom is much too hot, I need something to cool it down.  I need to get carriers for my cats.  I need to arrange emergency supplies.  So that I am not constantly behind and doing everything at the last minute, or worse late.

I want to not have to battle between glass and metal.  There should be no difference in the contents due to the container of an item.

I do not understand the series business.  I will not go      any longer the effect is far too damaging.

I feel     have had a negative and bad effect on my life.

I am tired of the phone business.  I am tired of the phone games.  I am tired of using the phone to have me speak to people who are disguising their voice.

Yes, this is the other big problem as I am so tired I cannot get out of bed.  I am giving such a long chore list of problems to correct, situations to fix that I am unable to get it all done, sleep, eat, wash and dress myself and get to    on time.

Can I just say how absolutely unfair it is for you to use kids and family members as it is impossible for me to get or stay mad at them.  Since I know the difference.  I know it is not their fault, and it is hard not to be appreciative of their time and effort.

I’m so sorry this is rambling and all over the place, however: The       r.  Can I just say how wonderful it was to see such great production value into the new show.  I think everyone knows how much I love those guys.  The opening sequence on the first show really superb.  Unlike anything else I’ve seen before.  It’s really remarkable.

Do you know, when I was taking care of my mom I used to watch them in the middle of the night (that’s when it was on) on BBC.  I’d never seen a car show before and to get to know all the terminology, to discover and learn about cars, to watch the driving and racing was such a delight.  It helped me during those long stress-filled years.  When talking car talk, I call it lusty talk.  I just find it so interesting, and such a turn on.  Please understand that is just a manner of speak.  Don’t get carried away on that one.

I love all the location shooting on The       r.  The     studio idea is fantastic!  I’m sorry I’m an appreciator.  I don’t mean to sound too nerdy or simple.  Really if they do more episodes, which they should, I would appreciate more locations.  It is one way I get to travel.  Plus, the segments of just driving is unbelievably interesting, the editing, the camera work, it’s great fun to watch.  The cars are enough you don’t have to add much more to it.

Now, back to yelling at my computer.  Can you understand how bad it is to have to take a vacation day just to try and get some sleep?!  Only to have to spend it breaking down the enormous difficulties, hardships, and struggles I’ve had in this reality?!

My finances are a great strain on me especially with everything that is asked of me.

Also, I say to you, grow up! I am not so simple as to fall or believe any of t-h-i-s.

I cannot constantly change every single item I’ve purchased.  Because of where I’ve purchased it, or when, or with whom.  It is not my fault someone has control over every single element of my life, so I am unable to be free of them.  I have too much invested to constantly replace every purchase.  You will have to provide me with more money if you want me to spend more money.

It is not my fault that I trusted every person at TCS that I did not lock my own locker.  I did not believe anyone would want to do me wrong.  It is not my fault that I give honest, unguarded answers to questions asked.

I wish I still had my old phone.

I wish I had never moved from my PC house.

I wish I had never dreamed of anything bigger or greater while taking care of my mother.  I should have died taking care of her.  At least then my life would have meant something at least to one person.

I had too much money, time, sweat equity, and effort invested in my home.  It was to be a forever home for my brother.  He always said he would retire there, so I didn’t mind the amount of money I put into it.  But, at least there I had something that belong to me.  I had a vision for the house and I changed it while still caring for my mother.

I don’t know why David waved at me from that white pick-up while I was mowing the lawn, but he did.

I know now that it was a mistake to ever reach out to him.  It’s the truth we had both moved in different directions.  I should have just let it go instead of contacting him.

I forgot in the previous mentions of directors, I forgot to mention how I adore Tom Tykwer.  Perfume was incredible.  I don’t recall watching a movie before where I knew what was going to happen, what the character was about to do, yet wanted with all of my being for it to not be so.  Begging with everything in me for the character to not do what happened.  There was also something really special about that score.

Boy, can I tell you how ready I am to wear make-up, dress up in dresses and nice clothes, and look myself again, to have the color back in my eyes.  To be me and no one else’s idea of what my weight, shape, color, or image should be.

5/31/2017

I am not finished yelling at my computer.  But, I am running out of time before this evenings event.  I wanted to tell the story of my work in 2012.

Just know I am not done venting.

I do not want anyone entering my townhouse.  I do not want anyone touching my things.  I do not want anyone altering ANY products I purchase!

6/1/2017

It was a nice thing you did tonight if anyone did anything at all clearing it out.  Technology has sure come a long way.  I don’t know how they did Capt. Salazar’s character, but it is really something.  I’m sure you know, but I nearly dropped my phone when I saw the trailer for Pirates.  It is just such a transformation for Javier – it took me by surprise.

How can I forget speaking about Johnny’s Depp’s character and how (whether the story is true or not, I don’t know) the producers, directors were unhappy with Johnny’s performance of Jack Sparrow.  They had wanted a more macho version of Jack Sparrow.  However, they made it work.  They worked around Johnny’s version of the character, and it has worked quite well.  There is something to be said for character’s that have success haphazardly, or by their own character.

Which is why I have said in the past – many times – and will always say that Penny from The Rescuers is my favorite Disney character.  Penny is not the smartest, prettiest, bravest, most strong, most clever, wisest, most powerful, or any particular character traits we are so used to seeing in characters in film, or books, or television.  Penny is simply a girl, and what’s wrong with that?!  Nothing, in my opinion.  Penny is a girl who wants a family.  To be part of a family.  And, what’s wrong with that?  When it comes to women in film, or maybe in all media formats, they have to be so much greater than men just to be seen or heard.  Which is so ridiculous.  As if the quality of a woman is still stuck in a Nine to Five superwoman sort of way.

Women are the hardest on themselves.  Men are not as hard on themselves as women are to ourselves.  I don’t want that to sound like a put down on men.  I’ll speak for myself, no one will ever be able to be as hard on me as I am to myself.  Forgiveness for myself is something I struggle with every day.

I am hoping that journaling all of this is actually going to be helpful.  As I have done this journaling for several years without much success.  I am trying to say as much as I can because I believe there has been a great loss of communication across the board as this has gone on.

BTW, Jason Mraz – Stephan at TCS?  No matter.  I wonder if instead of coding, marking, or somehow identifying celebrities that cross my path if I could just journal it instead.  Here is why because if for instance I purchased Spanish wine well then it is a set-up to add extra weight to my body which I am in no way interested in doing.

I need a better means of communicating, getting communication, and receiving read communications.

I don’t know how to pay for everything that is asked of me.  All the movies to rent, foods to purchase, etc. while I am still living with only two pairs of PJ’s, a handful of under things, two pairs of shorts, I could go on you get the idea.  I am struggling which is why it has taken me so many years to file bankruptcy which should have been done back in 2012.

So, to go back a second.  I remember having this conversation in my head, before I left on the car trip that got me nowhere, about my work on the Obama campaign.

So, this is where I found myself in 2012.  I had been working for several months, probably closer to a year on getting myself ready to go from being a caregiver to having my life again.  Getting my mind ready, working through things, and sorting out the why of my life.  In other words, I had been working on myself.  I had started losing weight so my exterior could look more of how my mind’s picture of myself looked.  I had found a nursing home for my mother.  I had found a place for my father to live.  Then, I went to the doctor, and was told I needed surgery.  This was very short time frame.

Looking back, I am uncertain if it was a necessary surgery, or a set-up.  With everything that has gone on it could have been a false need.  I had purchased my own private insurance, however I had not purchased hospitalization, or surgery coverage.  Here I was someone who had worked hard her whole life, paid her taxed, paid for employer paid insurance her whole life and never used it.  Only to have a phone call from the hospital asking for $75,000.00 up front in cash so they could set up an appointment for surgery.

I’ll skip a lot of details about the surgery for now.  The story has changed for me because I don’t believe it was real or necessary anymore.  I feel I’ve been falsely castrated in fact.

I moved out of our family home and had the surgery within a few months.  Charity paid the bill.

Obama care was a big talking point in the elections.  I did some research on my computer and found I could do some volunteer work for the campaign.  I started volunteering part-time for the campaign about the same time I discovered I needed surgery.

A month after my surgery I was offered a paid staff position on the campaign. (Whether I arrived by this job honestly, I don’t know since everything for some many years now has been a set-up) They wanted me to start working five weeks after my surgery. I was advised to not to work for six weeks after my surgery.

Five weeks after my surgery – I know I am not telling this very well, sorry it’s so dull and boring – I started working on the campaign.  I had been a volunteer before.  I only asked that for a week I could have a long lunch so I could nap and rest.

It is an unusual feeling to have your entire body shut-down.  Sleeping being the way the body heals and recovers itself.  It was not as if I was simply tired, I was in shut-down repair mode.

You see, I wanted to work on the campaign for many reasons.  One of them being I did not believe any citizen of the United States should find themselves like I did without coverage or ability to get help when needed.

I mean how much did the insurance companies make off of me for twenty plus years when I did not even go for a yearly check-up at the doctor?  I know I am not the only person who didn’t use the insurance they paid for.  So, I went to work so no one else had to suffer and go through what I went through.

I spent so many years taking care of someone else only to once having set foot on my own being unable to stand on my own.

My working hours were from 9 am until usually 10 or 11pm to be followed with a conference call (30 min to 1 hour) after work hours.  The week of the election was basically no sleep at all.

Now, my condition was this: I only took pain medication for a week after surgery.  But, my insides had been scraped of cysts.  A mass that had been pressing on my internal organs (or so I was told) they scraped away, and I was sown from the inside out.  Stitched from the inside, stitched on the outside from pubic bone to navel.

There was no time off or breaks while working on the campaign.  Even though there was a bathroom in the trailer that was our office, going to the bathroom was a problem.  I’ll just leave it at that.

Understand during all of this, I was very aware that I was being followed and monitored.  I was just unaware that my brother and perhaps my father were in on it too.

The conversation I had in my head in 2014 was I worked on the campaign because I believed in Barack Obama.  I believed he was going to be the President.  I believed he was the better choice for all person of these United States.  I certainly did not do it for the money taking into consideration the hours I worked I was making less than minimum wage per hour.  So, as I said, by my sheer force of my will he was going to be President with every person I spoke to during the campaign.  If I had to make phone calls lying on the couch in the office because I was in so much pain, I still made phone calls.  If I had to stand and speak for hours to strangers, convince them to give up their time to volunteer on the campaign, I tried my best to hide the pain on my face.  I will never be able to fully convey the amount of pain, pain as a woman, pain in my body, pain in my mind, but I kept going.

It helped to know it was only for a short time.  Still, for more than just myself I wanted, I worked, I struggled, so that all persons in this country would have better opportunities, coverage, help, and way of life.

Here has been one of my greatest problems in all of this.  I do not now, nor was I raised to exclude people.  This black vs. white, color, gender, or honestly, I don’t even know how to write about it other than to say I do not know how to exclude persons except when referring to my bed, my head, and physical relationships.  I know I do not want my house to be entered.  I know I do not want my foods or beverage to be altered in any way.  I know I do not want to gain weight by eating less than an apple for an entire day.

I grew up with so many different people, internationals, persons of different generations that this war of choosing one over the other, or whatever this is – that feels like a constant tug-o-war goes against everything I have ever believed in.

The only reason I have ever excluded was based on negative impact.  Shoving air in my nose to make me spit, or stick Q-tips up my nose, or wear a bandana.  Or the worst of all, sending a person in a skin suit to my home pretending to be someone he was not.  The shame and humiliation from that event and encounter I will never get over.  No one else has had to live with the shame but me.

I never want to see that person again.

Once, I finally figured out why everything felt wrong.  Once, I discovered the only way could have been a skin suit.  Once, I understood that it was not because I had been stitched from the inside out that it felt wrong.  There is no return from that.

That is to say, I remember having the conversation while working at Disney about The Golden Girls set, something about it being at MGM (as it was named then) and it wasn’t a real set, it wasn’t as if people were really living there and you could turn the corner and see the façade.  Something along those lines.

I remember the conversation because it was for me just me being me.  I used to have that improvisation ability.  That on and off switch.  Man, I could tell you some stories.

Stories like how my mother worked with exchange students (this one was in the summer), my father taught English classes to them.  I went with them both as it was the summer.  My mother, myself, I think it was the Tour Escort at our house sat down after the long day.  My mother turned to me and asked me how the day was.  But, I knew what she meant was, I need some relief it has been a long day.  So, I said blah, blah, blah, I have no idea something about Aliens and hot dogs, and the next thing I know I turned to the clock in the kitchen and I had been going on an hour and a half.  And, the switch stopped.  In case you didn’t guess, they were laughing the whole time.

So, the phone call of The Golden Girls was the same thing, me being able to click, I don’t know how else to describe it.  Being able to improvise, sort of.

BTW, I do remember the handshake Johnny Depp gave sitting on the back of the golf cart at the dealership.  I do remember watching Jason Segel walk past me with a child wearing a football helmet.  I do remember Gabriel Byrne helping me at the gas station.  Really, I could go on and on.  It’s unimportant to me.  I don’t care if they are a celebrity.  I care who they are, who they are as a person is.

…Yeah, yeah, yeah, “tripping over nature.”  Man in drag not entirely sure who was wearing those tights this was a Disney training day.

I just don’t understand why anyone cares.  It’s hard for me to understand.

I truly do not wish to see James Franco again.

I feel so used and dirty – everywhere – all the time.

Here’s the thing, I already work for      .  Why isn’t that enough?  I am not interested in fighting with my      I want to see them succeed.  So, I don’t understand why I am constantly being torn apart.

I understand people will come and go where I     , but my head works how it works.

Constantly hearing the same phrases over and over and over in my head is maddening.  It has no effect other than I try to block it out with my own repeating phrases – as a defense.  So, when I say in my head I want to cancel my ticket it is how I’ve managed my environment in the past.  It is how I’ve tried to protect myself.

Do you have any idea what they did to me?  How they got me to drive away?  And what they did to me upon my return?

I was made to believe be means of non-verbal communication in my head, my surroundings, through the media that I was a bad person, that I was a criminal, that I deserved and was in need of punishment.

Let me say this, did I know that I could drive and weave in and out of traffic in LA, Texas, Louisiana, Washington, and Florida?  Yes, I did.  In fact, I know my driving would have been beyond belief had there had not been a competition for my attention.

Did I know that I could sing as if I was giving a concert?  Yes, I did.  Quite honestly, at the time it was nothing at all.  Almost effortless.  It just came out of me.

But, those day are gone.

Something has gone from me.  I used to be able to feel it, but it’s gone.  A fire, a passion, whatever you want to call it that energy has left me void.

Whether it’s the falseness of my mother’s death and funeral, or the loss of my cats who were being used beyond their control.  The complexity of using an animal to hurt me, leaving me no alternative but to be upset with what caused the problem knowing that it wasn’t really my cat doing it that is a tremendous pressure.  Perhaps, it is my brains way of shutting down in order to relive some of the stress and pressure, but I am no longer the me I used to be.

I was far more fearless than anyone realized.  I was far more powerful than anyone realized.  I was far more interesting and talented than anyone realized or understood before.  So, what they made out of me is a dulled down version of someone else.

Did I know I could growl, yes.  But, I was told no, behave.  No, be angry.  No, be submissive and obedient.  No, be this.  No, be that.  No, do it this way.  No, do it that way.  No, change.  No, change again, and again, and again, and again, and again.  When all along I was the interesting person that people were interested in.

Should I name the times and differences between Keanu and David?  Does it even matter, I don’t think so.

I think this is enough for today.  I am too hurt and tired to continue at the moment.

I don’t know if this helps me, or will be helpful to anyone, or at all.

I know I am only interested in Global, international, non-          .

I do know I need you to fix it.  I mean, I had to take a day off from work to go see a movie.  Something wrong with that.

It is such a relief to have deliveries.  I wished I had it when I was caring for my mother.

August 22, 2017

To the person responsible for allowing my supervisor to have access to google glass:

You have created a hostile work environment for me.  You allowed my supervisor to have access to the google glass without my permission.  Jesus Christ!!  What is he 23 years old?!  He is a fucking child!  Then, I get to understand that it was my supervisor on the other end of the helmet?!

Coupled with the fact that the       to a number that is not suitable for a positive work environment.

This feels exactly like The Container Store all over again.

I never wanted my supervisor to have access to my bed!!  OMG!  I can’t stop saying it!  He is a child!  Not to mention how inappropriate it is!

I did nothing wrong!  You deceived me!

Cherith J Gjestland

 

July 18, 2017

To Jeremy Renner:

Flip-flops,

Hard and bloated belly.  Everything just goes to make my belly bloat and stick out.  It’s horrible.  I’ve spent too many years weighing over 230 lbs. to ever want to go back.  It’s demoralizing.  So, I starve myself to keep my weight in my control.  There is no excuse for eating one small meal and gaining weight.  Year after year after year.  How can I not want to kill myself instead?!

It has an effect on how I view my         and my           .

I miss my house.  I miss having things that are mine and mine alone and in my control.  I miss having the world not know who I am.

I am still fucking pissed as hell.  I was told over and over how James Franco lied to me and to everyone in my head yesterday.  David Wolfe also lied.

Let me tell you something about David Wolfe.  When I met and knew him he was a waiter at Carrabba’s.  He would show up to school in his server uniform of khaki’s and white long-sleeved shirt.  Funnily enough it happens to be the same colors as the inside of my house.  We went to eat together one day after theater rehearsal.  He drove me to Rio Bravo.  It was nice.  As we started walking to the restaurant he pointed out another woman and said she was beautiful.  And, asked if I agreed.  The whole of me sank.  I realized then I must have been too excited being around him, and that was his way if telling me it’s like that between us.  See, that is the kind of woman I like and want – is what he told me.

So, I’ve been told David has moved on from his days as a server.  I was told in my head yesterday, who do you think it footing the bill.  I guess meaning everything that is going on.  I have been told that David has financial means.  For me, it was never about that.  I never cared that he was a server, or that he had crooked teeth (I never saw that, I only mention it because I know he had braces and it was a concern for him) or that he shared an apartment or anything.

For me, I had never before nor since met a man like David.  I would look in his eyes and the world disappeared.  I didn’t want to look away.  I didn’t care that the whole class was watching and laughing.  Nothing else mattered or existed as long as I looked at him.  But, we are lousy at speaking to one another, we always have been.  Most of our conversation amounted to shouting matches, huge blow-ups, and storming off.  And, never making up to each other.

On Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, I played Big Momma and David played Gooper.  The blocking was: I was stage left, and David was stage right, we each were to turn and face each other at the same time from opposite side of the stage.  Every time I got to turn to see him was like a jump for joy.  The director had to change the blocking.  I believe he said something about it looking like incest since he was supposed to be my son-in-law.

Another time back stage, David was sitting down with Alisha on his lap kissing him.  She happened to be one of my good friends.  My immediate reaction is I will show you how to kiss David!  She has no idea how to do it!  However, as I approached him it occurred to me he might actually like her.  It caused enough doubt in my mind, I stopped.

Whatever screaming and yelling we did and said to each other – for me – would end in moments.  After the kissing my friend incident, David was walking backstage and genuine pain and hurt was all I could see.  I was pissed at him.  I mean mad as hell that I could barely speak.  But, when I saw him all I wanted to do was take the pain away.  I asked him if he was ok, it sort of stopped him.  He seemed to ease a bit.

We have never made up to each other.  And, too much time has passed.  On top of all the skin-suit horrors.  You see, I was never for one moment happy with Edison.  It was all an act.  How could it not be anything but an act since it was all make-believe.  There never existed one moment that was real.  To be clear the act I am refering to is simply that it was not real.  It was not love.  I wanted to get laid – by a man who has always been a man.  Jesus, I mean what does an attractive woman have to do to be noticed by a man around here? That is what I meant by an act.  I am not the first woman to fuck a man whom she wasn’t in love with, and used him for sex.  I will not be the last.

I have just been trying to have a man in my life who would actually love me as me for who I am.  But, the only men in my whole life who I’ve encountered only want to use me which include James Franco and David Wolfe.

I have been under the impression that it was David Wolfe disguised as Craig Slotty who I met at Ikea and we went to the car show where I drooled endlessly over the Aston Martin because he was, oh so pretty.  “Craig Slotty” said as we went by the motorcycles, do you like motorcycles?  I stopped because for me it was a tell to which I didn’t understand at the moment.  A red flag, and an alarm went off in my head.  We went to eat at Chili’s afterward.  I remember being careful about what I ate because I was still trying to lose weight.  The couple seated opposite from us were watching us which I didn’t understand.  I told him I had to go home because I was tired.  I had just come from my Krav Maga final test, and as the day went on it was getting harder and harder for my body to keep up.  I was beat the fuck up, but the bruises were not showing yet.  I went home and sat in the tub for a long time and went to bed.  I don’t even think it was dark outside when I went to bed.  I was bruised all over my body for weeks and weeks.  I had to tell every person I saw that the bruises were due to Krav Maga.  It looked like I had been abused, or victimized.

Do you know in part the reason I don’t wear make-up anymore as soon as I would get to work they would make me cry – push button control – or they would spray the air that would send me to the bathroom having to get it out of my nose which in turn would wash all my make-up off.  So, what’s the point after some many times of that?  I give up.  Do you think I want to go to work with a stitch of make-up on?  No.  I don’t even get to take care of my skin.  I am not allowed to wash my face or use moisturizer or anything because all I get is trixied, grease in my soap, self-tanner in my soap, bulk added to my lotions forcing weight gain.  It’s demoralizing.  It’s dehumanizing.  I absolutely give up.

Do you know this would have been back in the early part of 2015 I had to return two shirts that I had bought so that I could eat?  I had bought them because I had no clothes, I mean no clothes anymore.  Because everything I owned felt like they had violated me, so I got rid of them to prove I was a moral person.  I think it amounted to somewhere around $8.  But, I was that broke.  If I hadn’t returned them I don’t know how I would have been able to eat.  It bought me a little time is all.  Because I had no choice I was not being allowed to be employed.

There are things I have to do for my life.  I have to work on the bankruptcy, emails, whatever, etc., but I have to sit here and type to you because otherwise you make my life a living hell.

How can I possibly ever look at David the same way ever again?!

“Katie” – Bad – one time the air was sprayed so that…how can I say it other than to say it offended my vagina.  SCREAMING VAGINA!  Katie approached me to tell me something I did wrong.  She kept sticking her fingers in and out of the hole in the package and looking me in the eyes.  I was so mortified.  I was so offended.  It was sexual harassment.  If a man had done it, it would be sexual harassment.  For a woman to do that to me it is even worse.  I cried humiliation tears for the rest of my shift.  I was not able to go to HR and complain like anyone else would be able to do to an employer.  It’s disgusting.  Anytime I heard her voice in my head I would not respond.  No woman has any place or right to be in my head – ever!  That is just one time.  That torture went on for months.  I was so glad when she left!

Toilet paper training – let me tell you something about the toilet paper training.  It would make me so insane when I worked at Disney I would say in my head I would rather shove a knife in my cunt until I am dead.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.  I even went so far as to tell my brother.  I texted him the exact same message.  Nothing.  Either my messages were intercepted, or he just doesn’t care about what happening to me.  So, I do not believe in this feigned shock and surprise that almost looks like concern.  It is a disgusting thing to do to someone which basically amounts to rape.

This nonsense of messaging “do not use a knife” amounts to a woman can open this box.  No woman ever will, nor ever can – of my own free will – open my box!!!!!!  I would rather shove a knife in my cunt until I am dead than to have to live a lie.  And, that would be an extraordinary lie!

I can’t fucking stand the talking outside my window!

I can’t fucking stand the landscapers that ALWAYS start the moment I go to bed and continue the whole time I am trying to sleep.  It does not take that much work for this area.  I am not allowed any rest or any relaxation here.  In 2014 it was much worse, but still there is no need and there is no excuse for the behavior that goes on here.  Because of the 360 it all goes back to my        .  The responsibility starts there.  How can it not.  Someone has to be in charge, and who oversees those or that person who is in charge?  Because I have not been listened to for years now.  No one has taken my side.

It is not my fault that I purchase a product only to receive it and discover that the packaging proclaims it to be something I never intended.  So, you better not fuck me or Trixie me with the purchase of my new locks.  There better not be another “this is a set” to my locks.  Because I do not get a choice of products, nor do I get a choice of           t.  If I did I would have another.

Let me say this now, I have never been that woman’s bitch!  How could there ever be a contest or a pulling apart between people proclaiming I was their dog when I am a woman.  I have never been anything else.  And, I knew David long before I knew or met anyone else.

Brain – pin point fiber – don’t have time to answer this one.

I want my life back!

I am so angry and so hurt and so disgusted at       which quite honestly amounts to David Wolfe since he (at least for me) is the reason I am there to begin with.

Cherith J Gjestland

July 17, 2017

To Jeremy Renner:

Flip-flops,

It is devastating.

It is devastating to discover the whole reason I am at       is because David thought I was gay.  That is my take-away.  No wonder I have been so fucking depressed.  There is no even-flow for me.  Anybody would hate having self-tanner placed in their soap.  Even with all the hydrogen peroxide I have put in my soap all I feel is grease.  Anybody would hate gaining weight from eating one meal a day.  Anybody would hate having tricks played on them.  Anybody would hate having oil placed in their soap.  It is not an enjoyable experience.  Everything has sent my vagina screaming, no wonder I am so fucking depressed every day.  Because of this information I do not believe I can support           in any way.  It is not funny in any way to abuse one of your own employees.  Which is what this is entering an employee’s home while they are at work.  It’s abuse.

Based on moral grounds I do not believe I can in any way support or endorse           ,            shows, or           products because of how they have treated me and abused me.  What show goes out of their way to abuse its own star.

This house is closed.

If it were up to me I would be elsewhere.  It is devastating.

It’s not even up to me the path I walk, with that psycho doctor walking around.  Plus, it is part of my job to place items in the    , so there is no way to completely avoid          .

On moral grounds, there is no way I can enter or exit 2.  There is no even flow.

I have no idea why the L.A.M.P.E. people are at work.  All I understand is it is L.A.  Because of my hands I will not share what I saw in those people.

Do you understand me?!  I ain’t that bitch’s bitch!!!!!!!

I have no idea what is going on with the gates here.  All I know is yesterday I did not go out the gate that was open because of all the signs the day before saying open house on Sunday.

There should not be any game with the gates here.  This house is closed.

I want another    .  I do not wish to continue living like this.  It is more than depressing.  Living like this has made me suicidal.  No joke.  This is not a life.  This is jail.  This is torture.  This is punishment.  This is a life sentence I do not deserve.  The whole world gets to live and love, but me.  There is no love in glass.  There is no love in being on one side of the glass while the rest of the world is on the other side.

I was manipulated into turning that radio on again.

I am so over having to drive this stupid fucking route.  I cannot go back the way of turtle as it is the way of baby which is the way of soft which is not now nor has it ever been the truth.

I was tricked and manipulated into having to replace the monitor PC.

I would love to tell you the work my father does teaching GED classes at The Lighthouse, or how he spent most of my life teaching ESOL.  Or, the work my mother did with refugees in the 80’s.  There were a lot of Romanians that fled to Oregon in the 80’s.  Vietnamese, Laos, at this moment I can’t even remember all the nationalities.  Plus, all the work with exchange student which in a way we all helped as a family.  A lot of Japanese exchange students.  But, because of my hands, I don’t wish to share.

July 15, 2017

To Jeremy Renner:

Flip-flops,

I have no idea what happened tonight at     .  I can tell you right now I am tired of driving all over this fucking town!  I am not driving to order pizza that I never wanted to begin with.  This driving around town to pick-up pizza is not my idea.

I heard in my head earlier this week that Joanna wanted to get involved.  Who the fuck asked me?!  I’ll tell you no one asked me!

You think you can fucking potty-train me?!  Playing toilet paper games!  Then, when I choose the men’s side of the toilet paper – which is what it really amounts to – I am blasted with bull-shit air.

I AIN’T your baby, bitch!  That goes for all of you!

I am not spending more money to go driving all over town to buy fattening pizza just because I have no control over my fucking life!  Fuck you!  I am so sick of pizza!!!!

That stupid fucking movie!  I hate that    !  It makes me miserable every single day!  I have hated every single      since discovering The Container Store was not real!!

I was thinking in my head getting ready for work today about getting my groceries earlier in the week.  Now I am unable to order them in the day I want to order them because fucking signs all over the god-damn road about open house Sunday!

You are useless!  Talking to this computer is useless!!

So, everyone at work is      at me because I dared to make up my own route instead of being told which route I can take?!  Fuck you, man!  It’s not my fault you used the worst possible model!!

I have no idea why I am working     because all I see and feel every single day is how much everyone dislikes and hate me!  Which is why they torture me there.

I have no idea why I am working at      when 2 never applied, or was EVER applicable!!

I don’t even want to park at the         parking lot because there is not a   anywhere.

It was never any of them!  I am so fucking pissed!!!

I can’t believe you sent me            to have to drive to get pizza I don’t even want?!!!

Who the fuck are you wasting my money like that?!

I am still so angry and upset about my fucking hands all I will ever say anymore is I want out.  I want my life back!

What a stupid fucking idea driving to get pizza!!

Do you have any idea what it is like living like this for over 3 ½ years?!  In truth, to live this way for over 5 years now.  Living off of no more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep every single fucking day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fuck you I ain’t driving!!!!!!!

You get me another    because clearly, I am not valued, wanted, or welcome at      because I refuse to lie to myself or to others just for the sake of a   !!!!!  I would rather die than lie to myself, or lie to the world.  Are you ready to watch me die?

What the fuck did they do to my fucking chair?!

I can’t even have a fucking chair in my house because they ruin everything!

Do you know I heard in my head on Friday that I should be happy I had big       ?!  Like I have no idea or comprehension of what a big          would be.  My whole paycheck is gone!  It’s already spent!  According to the bankruptcy worksheet I am negative every month by the tune of nearly $700.00!!!  For what?!  So, I can buy something to have to return it?!  It is so unproductive and so dumb!

They used a needle, they use needles to inject my fruit with all kinds of things.  The melon is super heavy.  I feel terrible and heavy.

I want to go back on the cleanse diet, I am too heavy.  I don’t feel good ever.

I wear the bandana so you don’t see my frown.  Why would I ever smile when I am treated in this way.

I have been sexually harassed at place since and including The Container Store.

Heavy.  I feel so heavy.

I hate to tell you this –  I was writing this earlier in the week in my head and someone stole the words from me – I had no idea why people were being placed in front of me.  I had no idea what was going when this started.  I had no idea for months.  So much was made about how I was a bad person, morally lacking, that I had to prove my sexuality, that I had to prove I was a decent person.  When I would go driving it would make me so crazy because I was working so hard at making sure I was being moral and straight.  In an attempt to understand what was going on I wrote to my computer and made videos on my phone.  I thought at the time that I was nominating or voting for people.  I thought I was tagging people while driving.  But, this has been so played out.  This has been years of this.  Could you or anyone do the same behavior every single day like this?  I am too old for this kiddie shit.  I want to move on.  I still have no idea why people are placed in front of me.  Nothing makes sense to me.  I have no idea what my    other than to     possible.  I have no idea why I am there when everyone hates me, doesn’t like me, and I am subjected to being alone.  How could I possible talk to anyone knowing they are fake.

It was Rob D’s idea to make me give a false name when I had my oil change at Midas.  In my head, I had been told to give a fake name.  In my head, I have been forced to change everything about myself even if I don’t like it.

I am so fucking tired of having to live this way.  I am tired of having to tell you the reason why I have been forced to do things the way I am.  Like the only bathroom I can use is the one I use because there are no “itches” there.

I am so tired of re-watching movies I’ve already seen.  I am tired of watching new movies because they make me relive TCS and everything I have been trying to get away from.

The day after my brother’s fake wedding I wanted to spend some time in Disney before I had to go to work.  I wanted to go to Character’s In Flight just to see how much it would cost.  But, I was and still am so broke.  I saw David in the area where Character’s in Flight is wearing a long sleeved yellow shirt.  I missed the turn or something and decided to go on.  I went to Test Track at Epcot.  It looked like “Erin” in line in front of me.  It must have been because at work they tortured me with it.  I did not get out of line because I was not going to go out of my way for that bitch ever again.  Her last day at TCS I said good-bye and that was it as far as I was concerned.  Remember, she’s drugged me more than once.  And, she is not the only one.  When she and Cat left TCS those were good days for me.  Here’s why The Container Store, the reason why it was there, and happened was NEVER about them.  I was the reason it happened and existed to begin with.  They and that should never have been a part of the plan, design, purpose, or story.

I still can’t believe Disney allowed what took place there the second time I worked there.  I’m beginning to think they had no idea the way they would torture me verbally, mentally, physically, and emotionally.  They knew.

Saw David on the way to work that day again showing me or reminding me I wanted to get a pair of running shoes since I forgot to pack flats.  I bought a cheap pair that were so uncomfortable.  They tortured me so bad at work I just threw them away.  You see because they had been telling me for so long what a bad person I was, morally deficient that I had to keep proving them wrong by living with nothing.  Then, the things I did have they ruined.  I had to throw out one pair of Nike’s because they had ruined them with fungus either from me running in the water or because they came into my house.  I had to throw out another pair because of the stupid black and white bull-shit.

I am never and I will not give up those memories I have of David they are one of the last remaining memories that are real.  But, I will not turn his direction again.  It is too humiliating.  He’s conspired against when I have not.

Due to circumstances beyond my control I am retiring the black Reebok shoes from my work attire.

Because of my hands: I want to tell you that I knew Cleveland at TCS was different when in conversation I casually touched his back, and oh wow, muscles.  That back was not Cleveland.  Upon seeing Ryan Phillippe on morning television, I made the connection.  Or, I could be wrong and everyone is making me believe something that isn’t.  But, because of my hands I won’t tell you anymore.

There is so much more I would tell you but, why should I?!  You can’t even help me or stop programs and storylines from playing that should never have existed to begin with!

I am so disgusted by everyone involved with The Container Store.

You know I am not that special, anyone would have discovered they were being followed and watched.  They were fucking everywhere.  I mean, no one goes to a hotel pool in Orlando and wears a wool beanie cap on their head when it’s 90 degrees plus outside.  That’s the monorail day.  The day I spoke with James Franco on the monorail.

So disgusted and appalled,

Cherith J Gjestland

My relationship with my brother has been used against me as a way to force me into revealing an abuse I never shared with anyone, and has since been forgiven.  My brother asked for my forgiveness as a teenager and I gave it.  For a third-party which clearly had a bias who had and has no right to the information to use it against me, and my family to humiliate me, to force me to share an event publicly is beyond my comprehension.  I will never understand it.  The last thing I would ever do to another human being is force them into sharing a tragedy, a hurt, an abuse, a mistake, and use it for public entertainment.  It has changed the way I see and feel about all persons involved.

Again, if I have not written this enough, let me write it again.  For if this and these instances can happen to me they can happen to anyone.  They could happen again unless something is done to stop them.  Unless something is done to force an end.  

July 13, 2017, July 14, 2017

To Jeremy Renner:

Flip-flops,

So unbelievably unhappy.  What humiliation bringing that in to work.  It is so mortifying!  To find out JF thought it would be funny is so disgusting.  I am beyond words.  Because I cannot continue having to deal with that man who has raped, violated, and betrayed me for a laugh.

You fucking asshole!  With this fucking blood pus pocket on my fucking arm!  Because I dare to have an opinion of my own?!  Because I dare to say and choose what color and clothing I want to wear?!  Fuck You!  You are useless!  You can’t even protect me!  You can’t protect your investment!!!

Creggan Gjestland – I was not allowed to sit at his side at his “fake” wedding to Roy Campbell.  I was set-up.  Since all of this started and I have not been allowed to have anything of my own free will.  Not allowed to watch whatever tv or movies I want.  Not allowed to have the soap, lotion, clothing, or any type of food I want.  I was directed to sit at Roy Campbell’s side at the fake wedding.  As I sat down I immediately felt remorse.  It felt wrong immediately.  Because even though it was a fake wedding and I was aware it wasn’t heartfelt or truthful in emotion for all the money in the world nothing is worth not being allowed or able to sit at my own brother’s wedding.  I had been so conditioned and programmed in part because of the push button controls, in part because of the manipulating of my environment, in part because of manipulating of everything in and on my body that I sat as I was asked to.  However, I in no way sat down of my own free will.  Not a chance would I ever choose Roy Campbell.  You don’t separate the family.  I know I’ve said this in my car before.  This part about my mother has been reinserted from a previous conversation, so it is out-of-order.  Because even though I hadn’t been told yet, I knew my mother had passed.  I let people know immediately following the wedding I was upset about Roy Campbell and the abuse of power in being directed.  I let people know immediately.  I put notes in my phone.  I texted my brother and told him how shameful it was that I did not sit at his side.  How wrong it was of me.  Knowing that my phone was monitored, I wanted it documented that I did not agree with the situation.  It was regurgitated back to me when I spoke with someone on the phone (I can’t remember who or for what), they said they were having phone problems.  But, it never should have happened.  He is my brother.  Not anyone else’s brother.  Right or wrong, good or bad, he is still my brother.  I am still horrified that I was unable to sit at his side.  I know his relationship with Roy Campbell has been a fake from the start.  I knew Roy Campbell was an imposter at the wedding.  But, I have not been allowed to do things my way in any form.  I find it disgusting.

I find it incredibly hard to believe that people are not aware that nothing has been of my own free will.

Something’s you do not have to experience to know you do not want.  I wrote it before when working at TCS.  I left notes in my townhouse to let TCS know I was aware they were entering my home when I was at work.  I wrote, I don’t have to travel to Rhode Island to know I don’t want to visit there.

I NEVER in a million years ever, ever, ever, ever, ever fucking ever want or wanted a woman in any form in my bed!!!

Do you know how long it would take to tell, write, report, and document all the occurrences of not being allowed to do things on my own, of things I was forced, directed, or manipulated to do?!

You can’t even provide me the tools to get out from the fucking hole!!  I’m not even allowed to change my locks because you have no ability or control to keep people out and away knowing they are not the right kind of person for me, or to have around.

Because of my hands, because of my toilet paper problem at work, because of the tricks played on me by the radio, I have ceased smiling, and wanting to share my writing.

The reason I do not and cannot choose the Pacific side of the toilet paper is the association made of James Knight electric.  I am sick and tired of having to keep things straight!  I am so sick of that bitch!

Man, do you have any idea how much I miss being a girl?! Wearing make-up, having pretty hair, nice clothes and dresses?!

July 14, 2017

I stopped ordering from               because it was killing my drive time.  Since for some reason I no longer                    time – which has never happened before – it is even more added stress to make sure I get to           on time.

It is so frustrating to not be able to have choice, to be forced into such a pattern of bottles or cans, and being careful of the description, making sure it’s imported and not American.  Otherwise, I get punished.  Can I tell you how much I do not enjoy being told what to purchase?  Having things and people placed in front of me as a way of me figuring out and finding the items to purchase.  This all goes along with being a peeing-eyed dog.  For me, it would be so much more interesting if there was a way of telling a story.  You see, I have been forced to choose only fat-free.  I have been forced to only purchase sugar-free or no calorie.  I never had to live like this before.  I have lost all flavor and variety.  I can’t buy Lean Cuisine because it’s Nestlé.  I hate living like this.

Of course, if it were up to me this would all be over in a minute.  I do not enjoy it.  There is no reward for me.  There is no take away from this experience for me.

It is also frustrating not being allowed to have my home private, so I am not constantly bombarded by trixies.  It is so depressing to constantly be trixied.  It immediately stops all creative output.

I want to tell you whoever you have in charge at the site does not have a strong vision or purposeful direction for the location.  I feel it every time I walk in there.  What I feel is him (I do believe for some reason it is a man) saying or having a mind-set of, well, let’s try that.  For me, it is not good enough.  It’s an eye-roller for me.  This is just me trying to get you to understand how you can reach me.  Because if it were up to me things would be so different.  It feels wishy-washy.

I cannot now, nor could I ever simply do as I am told when it goes against my principles.  I was told on my drive earlier this week to just do as I am told – this I guess was about the stupid toilet-paper.  Then, I was told, well I tried to warn you.  This is so unacceptable to me.  To begin with, can I tell you how much I do not enjoy telling you the state of my puss (vagina).  It should not be a part of my e                 .  The answer is no.  I cannot give in or up the statement that the only way my cooch works is with men.  Got it.  Everybody hears it in my head regardless of what I do.  But, this in only works with an out.  Got it.  I shouldn’t have to continue this same conversation year after fucking year.

BTW, I was forced to stop using p               deliveries because it turned into America’s Test Kitchen.  Do you know how many years I have already been living this way?  I believe it was September 2013 when they altered my Shakeology to make me gain weight instead of keeping me healthy.

Nobody could continue to live like this as I have!  I do fucking remarkably well.  In fact, I do exceedingly well.  I did not ask for any of this!  I did not sign up for this!  I did not audition or this!  I did not in any way agree to take part, play a role, have my life taken from me, or anything else that has happened since I moved here.  I would like some fucking credit!  I am constantly being told how little I am doing.  Do you understand that I do not want ANY OF THIS!!!  My life has been taken from me.  I did not in any way agree to be drugged, duped, misled, made fun of, problem-solving figure it out peeing-eyed dog, or be watched from my living room, bedroom, and every room in this house, be told what movies and shows I can and cannot watch.  None of this is my life or of my doing!  I don’t even have free access to the internet.  I don’t have a choice in the attorney I am allowed to use.  I don’t have access to internet searches they are all confined to only allowing me what someone else want’s me to purchase and not a true reflection of what I like, my tastes, or any of it.

Do you understand that I had been aware for years of being followed!  David Wolfe waving from the passenger-side in a white pick-up as I was mowing my lawn.  I was aware my neighbors were keeping tabs on me.  So, I went out of my way to let them know my plans, so they could see I was not a bad person, or a criminal just because I chose to help and care for my mother when I saw she could still be reached after her stroke and the nursing home only saw her as a patient, that I was not vengeful, or malicious, or anything but Cherith Gjestland.  Do you know I saw the SUV with the license plate RECON on my drive to Tammy’s.  I saw the license plate REEP on the drive to Tammy’s.  I can’t even begin to tell you all the times I saw David on his motorcycle.  I wish I had never reached out to him.  I wouldn’t be sitting here the way I am now.  I would probably still have all my female organs.  I saw still David Wolfe when I saw The Crystal Skull standing below me.  There have been a lot of horrible words spoken between us which has caused a great deal of hurt for me.  I thought if I was hurt by them he might also have been hurt by them which is the only reason I contacted him to reach out and make it better.  Turns out it was no big deal, and I never should have contacted him.  At that movie, Crystal Skull, I didn’t look at him.  I just couldn’t live through that hurt again.  It had been too long.  I let it go and walked away.  But, then I saw David Wolfe sitting on the bench at the movie theater again.  I didn’t look at him.  I saw his brother extra curly-haired and blonde standing outside the movie theater.  When he looked at me, he almost looked hopeful, expectant, looking for relief.  At the time, he looked like he was hoping I’d spoken with David.  I walked the other direction.  Because I had been aware I had been followed for so long, David was the only person I could think of that would do that.  But, I have been wrong about a lot of things, so maybe none of it is true.  I want everyone to know because there has been so much made over me writing about the moments I felt between David and me.  Those moments and that time has long since passed.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt it is long gone for David as well because I no longer feel anything or any connection.  I heard his voice the other day, but it is not a good thing for me.  Can you even possibly begin to understand how humiliating that experience was for me?!  I will never be able to look at David the same way again which is really what the point was.  Too much time has passed.  You can never go back.  I am happy for David Wolfe, but I want him to let me go.  I have been forced and manipulated into the 1, 2, 3.  I have only chosen David as a way to keep things straight.  I would like him to do me the courtesy of allowing me to meet good, nice, available men.  I don’t care what song they play.  I know all the he’s are otherwise, it has been that way for years now.  Can you possibly imagine what it would be like to live for years in this way.  Every man they try to convince me is waiting for me – like I’m a dumbo – when it is all make-believe.  A way to string me along.  The best-friends story line was so many years ago.  Things do not remain the same.  It makes me feel so pathetic to keep this David and James story line going.  I don’t even want to talk about that mother-fucking whore James Franco.

How humiliating to do that to me.  To have everyone aware of what was going on.  I very much doubt you can understand what it is like to be a woman.  But, can you imagine what it would be like to sacrifice years of your life because you saw an opportunity to reach somebody who just so happened to be my mother.  Nobody else wanted me.  I had no big job opportunities.  Can you imagine what it would like to be 18 years old acting in a dinner theater have a fellow actor – a much older man – tell you he loves you, buys you a ring, and you move in together only to have him terrorize, manipulate, hurt, and most importantly kick you.  As I have written before.  He didn’t kick me when I was down on the ground like a dog.  He used to kick me when I was standing tall.  Sole to sternum.  Afraid for my life for years afterward because it didn’t matter where I moved he always found me again.  He did just enough to let me know he was there, but not enough to allow me to report him.  Then, sacrifice years of my life to caring for my mother.  Finally, I think I am going to be able to live my life.  Find a man who will love me enough to keep me, marry me for the rest of my life.  I know this is probably boring you, I write it to be understood.  Then, suddenly I can no longer have children.  I am told I must have surgery (I no longer believe this needed to happen I believe they did it to watch and monitor me).  I have to sell the home I’ve lived in for over twenty years.  Find a new place to live.  Find a job.  Recover from surgery.  Get into a car accident that was not my fault.  I swerved to the right.  He swerved left, into me.  I would have cleared him.  Start a job with a broken arm.  Try to make a new life and meet men only to find out EVERY single man did not add up.  Do you know what it is like to come away from a date having had a nice meal only to see the same familiar Sheriff’s cars following you, only to feel something was not correct the entire date, having to cry to yourself on the drive and in your home because something is all wrong?!  Then, the horrible humiliation of the google glass.  Stitched from the inside out, remember. To then discover everything was wrong, your job, your home, your car, your friends, everything was wrong.  To then be forced into the whole world I never wanted?!!!  Not to mention my mother’s death that I was lied to for years about.  Had imposters play her in the nursing home as if I couldn’t tell they were fake, and how am I supposed to have a conversation with a fake mother?!  It’s not as if I could yell at the imposter for not being real.  Lied to about my mother’s death only to be told years later in my head that she has been passed for some time.  Go to a fake funeral.  Have my cats taken away from me.  Barely able to manage to get out of bed.  Beyond broke.  Do you know it’s been more tha 2 ½ years since I’ve been able to buy new underwear?!  Because I am constantly having to return things, have things ruined.  I do fucking remarkably well.  I want some fucking credit for it.

Do you know they starved me to death to get me to lose 18 pounds by not allowing me access to food?  Sometimes they controlled me through my finances by keeping me beyond broke.  Most of the time they did it by way of character judgement.  They made me believe I had to prove my sexuality.  They made me believe I was a bad person and a pervert.  It is so humiliating.  So I would go hungry to prove I did not want anything other than a man in my life.  Do you know who forced me to go from weighing over 230 lbs to 120 something?  No one.  I made the decision myself, and I made it happen all by myself.  Which reminds me of another time having been to the beach with Rachel seeing I was being followed while at the beach.  I stopped at Publix on the way home.  A man passed me down the aisle he looked into my cart and he looked at me because at the time I was in the process of losing weight and I had nothing but fruits and vegetables.  I knew he was someone who was reporting back and keeping tabs on me because it is like a suit they cannot take off.

The homework assignment at the group interview for TCS was to find a product you liked at TCS and talk about.  TCS had archival boxes which is something I had been looking for when clearing out my parents junk I came upon my mother’s wedding dress and I wanted to preserve it.  I went looking for them in stores.  I went to JoAnn Fabrics to look for archival storage.  There was a shorter, blonde woman my age or older following me.  It’s like seeing the same person over and over again even though they are in a different body.  I remember being so happy having found the archival storage at TCS.  A suit they can’t take off.

I know I am not correct all the time.  But, more often than I am ever given credit for, I am correct.  I just wanted people to know I meant no harm.  I’m not a bad person.

Turns out David Wolfe did not know me best of all.  He’s a better acor than I’ve ever given him credit for.

I still most truthfully, cannot believe that everyone was not aware of everything that has taken place.

Can I tell you how horrible it was to work at Disney the last go around?  Receiving phone calls from “Casey” choking on phlegm and having to be nice to her since I was at work.  I never wanted to speak to that bitch again.  I call her a bitch because I am so appalled at what happened.  I texted her after I had been duped into a set-up where we each paid for our own beers, saying it was not a good idea to hang out anymore because I did not like her in that way.  She un-friended me on facebook.  For some reason, I thought she would have mature enough to let go.  It was literally disgusting to hear her voice on the other end of the line.  Knowing I am being watched at work, knowing I have no one to complain to, or to tell us the abuse, knowing the only response I could give would be to frown uncontrollably.  Do you know I was literally manipulated, duped, and tricked into letting her “sleep off her drunk” here?  I was so uncomfortable, I literally slept in the living room because I was too uncomfortable to get in my own bed, and I slept with one eye open.  I think I woke up every hour waiting to get her up and out of my house.  Check the footage I left the tv on all night, and that was before I knew they could see me from the television.  They took my good memories of Disney and the reason why I stayed there and stayed loyal to Disney for so many years because it was not for the salary.  I could have gotten a better paying job elsewhere.  But, I stayed loyal to Disney for reasons at this moment I will NOT share, and that fuck-face twat of a man ruined it for me.

You know what you can fucking forget making return things every single week, so I am stuck having to drive every single fucking day.  I chose UPS pick up and I meant I am not driving to the fucking store, they can pick that shit up!

Can you explain to me why I have to have people standing outside my window waking me??!!!

Do you know how incredibly unfair it is to create these problems that keep me constantly beyond poor and broke?!

Someone asked me in my head while at work what my favorite flower was, so please do not ruin that for me.  I answered in my head.  Please don’t ruin it with trixie’s.

You have a problem at the moment.  #1 I have no idea why I am     .  I have no idea what my     is other than to           as possible.  #2 I have no idea why people are placed in front of me as they are. #3 A lot of these celebrities are not happy or enjoy being placed in front of me or delivering products.  It has an effect.  If they don’t enjoy doing it why would I enjoy it?  Plus, I don’t care if any of them are celebrities.  I don’t want this life.

Because of my hands I want to tell you, but I won’t.

I want to tell you about all the times I’ve seen people.  Like the time I saw Hunter Hayes at McDonald’s.  I stopped in on my way from Siesta key.  He even had Hunter on his name tag.  But, I won’t.

I want to tell you why I wrote that fuck-less wonder James Franco, Bitch you ain’t my black.  I want to tell you how my grandfather saved the life of a Zulu’s chief’s son.  I want to tell you how I grew up with a zebra shield and spear in our den.  I want to tell you that my black is South Africa because it is a part of my ancestry and heritage along with all the other nationalities.  I want to tell you I can’t get rid of South Africa because I refuse to give up my past, growing up, and the histories of my parents.  I want to tell you how I grew up listening to Miriam Makeba.  I want to tell you how to deny South Africa is to deny my own father’s existence.  Good or bad he is still my father.  Some people just aren’t meant to be parents.  I want to tell you the work my father does at The Lighthouse.  I want to tell you that even though he was never a father to me there are those at The Lighthouse that he helps.  They treat him like a god there.  I want to tell you, but because of my hands I won’t.

I get abused with the toilet paper, with my purchases, and so many other things I can’t think of at the moment, and who do I get to tell?!  No one.  I don’t get to be upset, or hurt, or have any emotion whatsoever.  Something bad happens and I do not get to tell or talk to anyone about it.  You got to be fucking kidding?!  Who else could do this the way I have for as long as I have.  No one!

My brain – First of all, it is my brain first.  Everyone else comes after that.  For some reason, I believe it was you saying in my head that “they” have taken advantage of me using my brainspeak.  Speaking in my head is not in any way the same as speaking face to face or even over the phone.  There is no body-language, or inflection, or nuisance.  Also, it takes a great deal more energy.

Just like speaking to different people face to face having a person speak in my head is different from person to person.  Last Thursday there was a person that shut down my whole being just from being in my head.  It doesn’t just affect my head.  It isn’t just a matter of speaking to a different person.  The effect radiates throughout my whole body and beyond.

I don’t like that governor placed on my head.  Being squished down.  Confined.  I don’t know why they do it.  You would have a much greater result if you just spoke to me through the              instead of trying to manage me through my head.

I am not done yelling at you.

I am so grossly unhappy.

Cherith J Gjestland

July 12, 2017

To Jeremy Renner:

Flip-flops,

Let me start by saying if you do not hear from me in a day that is not a good sign.   If I don’t even write here and yell at you, it should be a red flag for you.

Do you know that in a 10 or 11 hour shift it is so stressful on my body there that I cannot even manage to drink a whole bottle of water?  Eating is out of the question.

I have been told over and over and over again what I can wear, what clothes to buy, what food to eat.  I am not allowed to even have an opinion.  I am not asking for a great deal.  I am asking for the ability to make my own choices.

What if one day I feel like taking a shower.  Another day I feel like a bath.  What if I actually like one smell over another smell?

I heard in my     someone claiming to be James Franco saying that he would “kick his ass” for doing what he did to me.  This is so absurd.  You obviously know nothing about my life.  That will be the day when a man kicks another man’s ass for me.

As far as the state of my thinking – this is not new that I have been wanting, claiming, saying, and screaming-at-the-top of my lungs that I would rather die than to continue living in this way.  As it is documented in my phone, I have also documented these same thoughts on every computer I’ve used and phones, I have made those supposedly in charge aware of what was going on with my state of mind.

July 19 2016, I typed in my phone: In shocking news today         stocks plummet as news of its star killing herself during production.  The mind control proved to be too much for the star as it seems the only way to regain control of her life.  What’s more          was well aware not only because of the mind link, but she had repeatedly documented the abuse and torture.  Not only did       do nothing, but also       , and      did nothing to stop the abuse.  What’s more even the stars businesses were aware of her torment and suffering, but their own greed to continue production prevailed.  Upon begging for her very life           continued to ignore the warning signs and communication.  What did the star want?  More salary, better living conditions – all she asked was to have her life back.  Yet,        did nothing.

At the beginning of TCS, early days before the store opened we were all standing in a circle listening to someone speak.  “Terry” as her name was, stood beside me and put her arm around me.  However, she put her arm around me in a more possessive manner than a man would even put his arm around me.  I immediately shrank.  I remember trying to literally slide out of my skin.  I froze.  I stopped breathing even.  I told “Erin” about it because I was so fucking creeped out.  I told everyone there who tried to tell me that Terry was an okay person, and I disagreed.  Everyone tried to make me feel as if nothing happened and it was no big deal.  However, everyone refused to see it from my viewpoint and how it made me feel to have a woman put her arm around me.  It was sexual harassment.  I wasn’t even allowed to be upset or fully complain about it.  I avoided her as much as possible.

I shouldn’t year and year have to keep saying and doing things to keep it straight!  It’s humiliating.

Do you know how humiliating it is to be virtually dated?!  It is humiliating to constantly have to choose Dave knowing he thinks I’m crazy, etc. as the only means to keep things straight?!  It is humiliating to have been virtually dated and virtually fucked!  It is humiliating to walk into Panera see David Wolfe sitting there knowing he does not want to speak with me, worse still it is humiliating to have walked in with that Edison guy!!  So, I went out of my way to pretend I didn’t see him, laugh and have fun so that he or whomever would STOP following me!  It is humiliating to be treated as a pet, as a baby, as anything other than an intelligent woman.  It is humiliating to have been virtually pimped and passed around like a plastic vagina for years now.

I would never, ever have chosen a black hole?!  Had I not been forced and manipulated into it.

I don’t ever want to see or know James Franco ever again.  Two worlds that should never have met or known each other.

I am so humiliated by David Wolfe which is why I choose not to look his way anymore.  I saw him (pants) at Starbucks but I didn’t look him in the face or go up to him.  It is his turn to come to me.  It doesn’t have to happen as far as I’m concerned, the humiliation is too great.

I want to tell you       should be more of a conversation.  I want to tell you that the       down the line should be part of the conversation.  I want to tell you to think bigger, but have a smaller focus.  I want to share stories, the great and beautiful things I see in people, but after the hand incident which has hurt and humiliated me so severely I choose not to.  It was a huge mistake on your part for which nothing and no one has made up for it.

I am not at war with any one or any party.  I simply choose me instead.

Samuel at       – James Marsden?  I dunno.  Same butt swing.

I want to tell you the reason I like Paul Watson because he understands what it is like to look in an animals eyes and see them.  You have no idea how upsetting it is to look in your cat’s eyes and see he is not peeing of his own free will.  It is upsetting to have to live that way for years.

I have not proofread this so it is probably a mess.  Please cut me some slack.

I find you lacking greatly.  I am so hurt and upset I don’t even want to yell at you.

Cherith J Gjestland

In going through these previously private conversations I see there are omissions, additions, and rearranging of words.  I have only corrected or deleted to keep my intentions clear and specific.  Confusion and chaos have been taken off the menu.  I say this again, you cannot make or create a trait counter to the way a person is born.  A lie will always be a lie no matter how you dress it, color it, or claim otherwise.

July 10, 2017

To Jeremy Renner:

Flip-flops,

First off I have to explain something; everyone appears to me as if they believe nothing extraordinary happens when they enter my brain.  Everyone acts as if they are simply listening in on my thoughts, however my experience of it does NOT feel that way.  The best way I can explain it is if you can imagine someone taking their foot and stepping on your brain, then shoving it down all the way past your head, past your neck, sometimes past your chest, and sometimes it’s shoved all the way past your feet.  Then, if you can imagine that foot wearing cleats and shoving your brain down.  Then, if you can imagine having your brain squeezed from all sides while it is being squeezed down – how that could make a person feel.  Of course, for some people that is not enough, then they violate the most sacred part of a woman’s body and violate my body, violate my trust, and violate my spirit.  Of course, that is also not enough for some people because on top of it all I am not allowed to say anything, to utter upset, hurt, or disappointment.  I am not allowed to be angry.  I am not allowed to cry.  I am not allowed an opinion.  I am not allowed a way to make improvements.  I am not allowed a way to change or correct things.  I am not allowed any human – anything!!!!  No one can imagine what it feels like to be me even if they are listening with the cap.  Got it!

So, I was told in my head I had a melt-down at work yesterday.  Let me say this, I do not believe you should be          with me at all.  I believe I behaved miraculously.  Because even through all of that mind torture I still stuck up for myself, for women as a people, and for a positive work environment.

Nowhere, in no place of business does your work follow you from home or from your drive.  In every business, you leave everything at the door.  Work needs to be work.  Drive needs to be drive, and home needs to be my home alone.

Ladders – are on the right side of my garage b/c no one is allowed in my house.

Communication – this needs to be greatly improved upon.  I do not need any method or pushing or anything else to drive, or I don’t know what you people are doing.  All you have to do is ask.  But, I do have the right to say no if I choose.  More on this tomorrow.

        is the one who told me my cats where dead.  Keanu Reeves, the tire I believe is being used differently from my personal experience.  He is the most zen motherfucker I’ve ever spoken with.  I must choose left b/c I have to keep you fuckers straight!

Oh Yeah, Hi Marvin/Jeremy Renner.  Break room at TCS.  Foot on a chair looking at the tv monitor acting impressed because I remembered somebody’s name.  Or, am I wrong?

Learning by driving is a problem.  The lag time between understanding the route and how it relates to my work and home life is disastrous!  Anyway, they need to be separate.

I don’t have time – thank you fucking lightning – to get into talking about direction (directing) and movement at work other than to say this.  Moving me around is killing my fucking    , got it.  Some things are too real.

I’ll work on the shaper, black-out curtains some time.

PS After yesterday, why the fuck would I ever want to thank anyone?!  Why wouldn’t I want to say over and over I want my life back.  End of discussion.  Because of yesterday I do not wish to talk or see David Wolfe, James Franco, or Adrian Grenier again.  I can’t tell you how hurtful it is to say that about David Wolfe.

Got to go.

Cherith J Gjestland

July 9, 2017

To Jeremy Renner:

Flip-flops,

You fucking useless, lousy cock of a man!  And yes, I do believe that is an appropriate way to speak to a Producer who is supposed to be in charge of this fucking show.  I am supposed to be a star of a show?!  You treat me like I am less than a human being?!  You treat me like I am garbage!

I turn at              because it says Private Property, yet you are still in my home.  I turn         and you are still in my home.  You fucking twat of a man!  I can’t fucking stand it!!!  I’m done!  I want out!  I want to live my life!  I want another job!  I can’t fucking take it anymore!

I want to know why I hear in my head that James Franco lied!

At this point, I don’t even want to see David Wolfe again.  It will never be the same between any of them who virtually violated me.

I never want to see Cat/Edison again!!!!!!!  How many years do I have to scream it was never that Edison skin-suit mother-fucker!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I knew the moment Bill from The Container Store touched me as he went on about being an artist watching movies with friends and having a few drinks, he was one creepy mother-fucker.  No judgement, but I thought he was gay.  He creeped me the fuck out.

I am so fucking pissed off!!!!!!

I want my life back!

These over used out-of-date playbooks of hunger games, dating games, solve-it bull-shit games are fucking lame!  And, so played out!  How many years can you keep a person living in the past when it never worked or applied to her to begin with!  I am NO MAN’s woman!  There is not a man I have ever dated or known that I ever want again!  I HAVE MOVED THE FUCK ON 3 FUCKING YEARS AGO!!!!!  Once, I discovered who and what that fucking skin-suit mother-fucker was they were gone from my mind entirely.  They were never a part of my heart EVER!!!

I am so mad!  I am so fucking pissed!  I find you useless and pointless!  I am beginning to think you know nothing about women.  You know nothing about this woman!

Cherith J Gjestland