August 15, 2017
David Wolfe:
Here I am just off my shift from work, and I am beat the fuck up. Where to begin, I am caught between I never want to see you again, and wishing I had never met you. I was so spent from my shift I could barely take my shoes off once I was home. It took me a long time before I could start talking out loud again. This happens all the time. You had no right to do what you did. You have no right to do what you do.
This is me talking to you personally, you do not have my permission or right to use what I am about to share with you by any means publicly. What happened between my brother and I was a long time ago. He apologized to me for it. He said he knew it was wrong and asked for my forgiveness which I gave him. I think I was 15 at the time. Even at such a young age I knew it was not his fault. Someone abused him. I believe he did not understand why, how come it happened to him, or why it hurt, and why he was hurt by it. Which is why I believe he did what he did. There will always be a distance between my brother and I because of it. I believe more than going to church what brought my brother to the point of asking for my forgiveness and gave him the courage to do so was going to Basic Youth Institute and listening to Bill Gothard speak. Even though my brother has hurt me in a way he can never take back, I choose and have chosen my whole life NOT to hurt him in response. I have tried to go out of my way to support him with distance. He is still alive it is not fair to him to share in any way his personal pains publicly. As I am writing this – and let me say this again you do not have my permission to share this publicly AT ALL – the moment I was told that doctors do not need to have a patient fully undressed which only happened once, I understood something was wrong which ended immediately. Again, you do not have the right nor my permission to share this publicly, I had a psych evaluation done in response to a case started – the case was dropped immediately due to the results and findings of the evaluation because the accusation was false. I am so disgusted by you: to have done this to me at all. So disgusted. It has irrevocably changed things between us. It was not your right to do. I never asked for any of this. I never asked to be a star, I never asked to be on television, I never asked to have my radio filmed, I never asked to be a public person. All I wanted was a job to pay my bills, have a man who was born a man always been a man will always be a man who loves women who love men to love me enough to keep me for the rest of my life. To do this to me publicly is inhumane. Prisoners have more privacy. Prisoners of war have more privacy. I have NEVER AGREED TO IT, KAHIT!!! It has changed things forever between us, I cannot say it enough!
I wish I could go back in time and redo my life, so that we NEVER MET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The story of my life is this: people have never stopped hurting me, and that includes you, Kahit! Do you know I have not had one good relationship that I can look back on? And, that includes you Kahit! Certainly, Edison was the NOT a good relationship, and hurt me in a far more intimate way than Michael Wayne Brown ever did. Not one. Not one relationship where a man was good to me.
Some things are hard-wired from before birth and they NEVER change. I have always been attracted to manly, strong men and that will never change. Size does matter to me – always will.
As to watching Transparency, I was talked into it – in my head. Any other time it is NOT something I would normally have watched which is why I have never watched it again.
Do you know, because of all of this I do not even like the sound of my own name.
I should not have to take vacation time in order to get actual rest and sleep. But, that is what I had to do. 10-hours of sleep to wake up to humongous bags under my eyes, bad skin, tired complexion, and nothing but sadness and pathetic-ness all over me. I should be given time in my schedule to take care of myself, which include but are not limited to pedicure, manicure, hair masks, facials, and waxing.
Do you understand how easily they can trick me knowing that I am dyslexic?! I understood the weigh station closed to mean they were no longer going to be adding more calories and bulk to my food, however what I have understood it to mean is the opposite. I am not happy with my weight. I want to lose more weight. I am not happy with my body shape either. I do not like the backs of my legs or the part just below my butt cheek.
This is a lot I am going to be writing it is not in any particular order, but please listen.
I cannot stand at work constantly having to change EVERYTHING I do!!!! Constantly changing the route to work, my parking space, the route I walk into work, the way I walk to the bathroom, the bathroom I use, the door I open to accept deliveries, the way I park in my garage, I could go on and on. I cannot stand it! It makes me INSANE!!! It is such a waste of time and my talent.
On my walk to the bathroom, I choose to walk past all the numbers. I am NOT walking to the pit charging area, I am simply choosing to walk beyond all the numbers. The numbers game is juvenile, I do NOT appreciate it at all. I am explaining so you can understand my logic behind it.
Do you know I believe they have made my legs worse adding things in my diet or once I am at work coming into my home and adding things to my products? My legs are full of varicose veins and spider veins which is NOT me. I don’t know how to fix this. I want it fixed.
Do you know they have come into my home replaced my contacts and glasses with a prescription that is not my own?! I want this fixed immediately!!
Do you know that I have no clean soap anymore?! Not of my own choosing. It is all full of sun-joe pressure washing. How am I supposed to afford all of this?! I am constantly having to replaces items for no reason other than to keep me broke. I want it fixed! I want my lotion and soap fixed so there is no pressure washing. It is nothing more than a vicious cycle!
Do you know I believe they planted evidence in my home to keep me paralyzed with fear and worry as a means of control over me?!
Do you know I can no longer be loyal to you and choose you because I am not able to ONLY choose you?! I have learned when I am choosing you it is a two-party choice including that bitch which I CANNOT stand!!
I have no idea why since The Container Store I have only been allowed to have the exact same wage. I could have made more money waiting tables?! My income and salary has kept me dependent instead of being allowed to be independent.
Do you know I am not allowed to cook and save food because they come into my home and alter my food?! Which does nothing but keep me broke and is a vicious cycle!
Can I tell you, that I believe I was having a conversation through the “helmet” with the man who I can only call a person of higher power in my last shift until my first break? Which was actually the best conversation I’ve had and worked the best so far. I do not know entirely why other than it did. What I heard in my head was that it was NOT possible for me to be bad or criminal given my response to stress was comedy. An interesting, interesting man – little scary which is a good thing – but, interesting.
Also, it must be said that criminals and prisoners are released every day from jail and never again do anything wrong or against the law. Plus, criminals and prisoners often go to work after their sentence for the very people who put them in there to begin with. Not everything can be black and white. So much is done on an individual basis.
I made a comment in my head that since so much of acting is in observation that is probably why so often “secret persons” work with Hollywood. In a very odd pairing it has the ability to work well.
Can I tell you, the reason (Yeah, I know said this at TCS) there can be even-flow is because there is NO sexual tension? There should be no sexual tension in the work place. You have allowed one-sided sexual tension to take place by allowing my boss access to the google glasses and virtually enter me. I would never of my own accord allow this.
My job should never have been pet steps! My job should never have been about what door I go through, the route I take etc.! I cannot stand it!
Do you know how dangerous it is to mess with someone’s eye sight?! They have come into my home without my permission and altered ALL my contacts and my glasses so that I can no longer see. I want this fixed immediately!!
Do you know the reason why reality shows are short-lived?! Because they do not work otherwise. There is not a reality show with the same person for more than a few months. It simply DOES NOT WORK on so many levels. Keeping me stuck in this fake reality beyond my control or input IS SHAMEFUL!!
The reason I choose the mouse pads I did is simply because I liked the way they looked.
Do you know, I am not allowed to walk in the designated walk spaces because they mean PET STEPS? Where they ruin something, and I have to figure it out? Who wouldn’t get bored, beyond upset, and give up after so many years of that?!
Do you know that Sapphire is my favorite gemstone? I thought one day my wedding ring would be a sapphire.
Do you know the reason I want to wear my bandana’s is I never smile anymore, and I don’t want people to see me frowning anymore?
I stopped turning the Amazon smile upside down at work because it made me feel like a bad employee. I have felt pressure the last few days to do otherwise. I simply do not want to do so anymore. Yet, my mood remains the same at Amazon, I am beyond unhappy.
On turning into the driveway on Painted Turtle, I choose the only driveway that had a light on and that is all. If I had a choice I wouldn’t choose any of it at all. I shouldn’t have to. Do you understand how impossible the situation you’ve placed me in?! I can no longer drive past the high school since it has become the used gaylords. So, I am forced into this never-ending vicious cycle. There needs to be an end to all of this. You have taken up enough of my life. Things between you and me will never be the same again. I can no longer see a reconciliation between you and me. You have forced me to live all alone since I will have real love from a real man or nothing at all.
Because if what you did to my hands I have stopped any and all transmissions and communications of the Thank-You series. It has had a permanent effect upon me.
The reason I bought that coffee pot is this: I liked it before I wanted to buy it before it has nothing to do with the handle at all. I think it is a very handsome coffee pot and nothing more.
I do not understand why the time-share job didn’t work. I believe I was not given a fair shake. Given everyone was aware of ALL the jobs I was doing.
Do you know the damage the sun and YOU have done to my face?! You cannot take that back.
I want you immediately and everyone to STOP altering and damaging my products once purchased. No one has permission to enter my home or alter any products before or after purchase!!!
I have written this before: Sometimes it is hard to know what the right thing to do is, but once you know what the right thing to do is – it is hard not to do the right thing.
I was not in any way sexually attracted to Mark’s body. He was the worst kisser. He wore this turquoise necklace that looked like a cry for help. It stood out so much it was hard to get over. I often wondered if it was a listening device.
Do you know, I used to be able to look at a body of water and imagine myself swimming. It is the sensation of diving through the water, the movement. A longing to be somewhere other than where I am.
Do you know I am no longer able to go running?! When I go running, I am dosed with “new air” making me change course instead of being able to follow my own course. Also, the locks on my house are not under my own control. I want this fixed immediately!
It is criminal how my mental state and well-being have been neglected, not taken into consideration, damaged, and not allowed to be within my own control.
It is criminal how I have been unable to compartmentalize and order my own life. Not being allowed separate spaces between work, driving, and home.
I do not exit or enter through the first door because it has treated me unkind and unfairly in the past.
I place tape on my door knob because I do not want people in my home while I am at work.
I am done talking to you today. I wrote in bold because I have no other means of YELLING AT YOU!!!!!!! I am not even sure it does any good to write to you.
I do not see this changing – I wish I had never met you, Kahit!
Cherith J Gjestland
WE - DO NOT AGREE! 