My relationship with my brother has been used against me as a way to force me into revealing an abuse I never shared with anyone, and has since been forgiven. My brother asked for my forgiveness as a teenager and I gave it. For a third-party which clearly had a bias who had and has no right to the information to use it against me, and my family to humiliate me, to force me to share an event publicly is beyond my comprehension. I will never understand it. The last thing I would ever do to another human being is force them into sharing a tragedy, a hurt, an abuse, a mistake, and use it for public entertainment. It has changed the way I see and feel about all persons involved.
Again, if I have not written this enough, let me write it again. For if this and these instances can happen to me they can happen to anyone. They could happen again unless something is done to stop them. Unless something is done to force an end.
July 13, 2017, July 14, 2017
To Jeremy Renner:
Flip-flops,
So unbelievably unhappy. What humiliation bringing that in to work. It is so mortifying! To find out JF thought it would be funny is so disgusting. I am beyond words. Because I cannot continue having to deal with that man who has raped, violated, and betrayed me for a laugh.
You fucking asshole! With this fucking blood pus pocket on my fucking arm! Because I dare to have an opinion of my own?! Because I dare to say and choose what color and clothing I want to wear?! Fuck You! You are useless! You can’t even protect me! You can’t protect your investment!!!
Creggan Gjestland – I was not allowed to sit at his side at his “fake” wedding to Roy Campbell. I was set-up. Since all of this started and I have not been allowed to have anything of my own free will. Not allowed to watch whatever tv or movies I want. Not allowed to have the soap, lotion, clothing, or any type of food I want. I was directed to sit at Roy Campbell’s side at the fake wedding. As I sat down I immediately felt remorse. It felt wrong immediately. Because even though it was a fake wedding and I was aware it wasn’t heartfelt or truthful in emotion for all the money in the world nothing is worth not being allowed or able to sit at my own brother’s wedding. I had been so conditioned and programmed in part because of the push button controls, in part because of the manipulating of my environment, in part because of manipulating of everything in and on my body that I sat as I was asked to. However, I in no way sat down of my own free will. Not a chance would I ever choose Roy Campbell. You don’t separate the family. I know I’ve said this in my car before. This part about my mother has been reinserted from a previous conversation, so it is out-of-order. Because even though I hadn’t been told yet, I knew my mother had passed. I let people know immediately following the wedding I was upset about Roy Campbell and the abuse of power in being directed. I let people know immediately. I put notes in my phone. I texted my brother and told him how shameful it was that I did not sit at his side. How wrong it was of me. Knowing that my phone was monitored, I wanted it documented that I did not agree with the situation. It was regurgitated back to me when I spoke with someone on the phone (I can’t remember who or for what), they said they were having phone problems. But, it never should have happened. He is my brother. Not anyone else’s brother. Right or wrong, good or bad, he is still my brother. I am still horrified that I was unable to sit at his side. I know his relationship with Roy Campbell has been a fake from the start. I knew Roy Campbell was an imposter at the wedding. But, I have not been allowed to do things my way in any form. I find it disgusting.
I find it incredibly hard to believe that people are not aware that nothing has been of my own free will.
Something’s you do not have to experience to know you do not want. I wrote it before when working at TCS. I left notes in my townhouse to let TCS know I was aware they were entering my home when I was at work. I wrote, I don’t have to travel to Rhode Island to know I don’t want to visit there.
I NEVER in a million years ever, ever, ever, ever, ever fucking ever want or wanted a woman in any form in my bed!!!
Do you know how long it would take to tell, write, report, and document all the occurrences of not being allowed to do things on my own, of things I was forced, directed, or manipulated to do?!
You can’t even provide me the tools to get out from the fucking hole!! I’m not even allowed to change my locks because you have no ability or control to keep people out and away knowing they are not the right kind of person for me, or to have around.
Because of my hands, because of my toilet paper problem at work, because of the tricks played on me by the radio, I have ceased smiling, and wanting to share my writing.
The reason I do not and cannot choose the Pacific side of the toilet paper is the association made of James Knight electric. I am sick and tired of having to keep things straight! I am so sick of that bitch!
Man, do you have any idea how much I miss being a girl?! Wearing make-up, having pretty hair, nice clothes and dresses?!
July 14, 2017
I stopped ordering from because it was killing my drive time. Since for some reason I no longer time – which has never happened before – it is even more added stress to make sure I get to on time.
It is so frustrating to not be able to have choice, to be forced into such a pattern of bottles or cans, and being careful of the description, making sure it’s imported and not American. Otherwise, I get punished. Can I tell you how much I do not enjoy being told what to purchase? Having things and people placed in front of me as a way of me figuring out and finding the items to purchase. This all goes along with being a peeing-eyed dog. For me, it would be so much more interesting if there was a way of telling a story. You see, I have been forced to choose only fat-free. I have been forced to only purchase sugar-free or no calorie. I never had to live like this before. I have lost all flavor and variety. I can’t buy Lean Cuisine because it’s Nestlé. I hate living like this.
Of course, if it were up to me this would all be over in a minute. I do not enjoy it. There is no reward for me. There is no take away from this experience for me.
It is also frustrating not being allowed to have my home private, so I am not constantly bombarded by trixies. It is so depressing to constantly be trixied. It immediately stops all creative output.
I want to tell you whoever you have in charge at the site does not have a strong vision or purposeful direction for the location. I feel it every time I walk in there. What I feel is him (I do believe for some reason it is a man) saying or having a mind-set of, well, let’s try that. For me, it is not good enough. It’s an eye-roller for me. This is just me trying to get you to understand how you can reach me. Because if it were up to me things would be so different. It feels wishy-washy.
I cannot now, nor could I ever simply do as I am told when it goes against my principles. I was told on my drive earlier this week to just do as I am told – this I guess was about the stupid toilet-paper. Then, I was told, well I tried to warn you. This is so unacceptable to me. To begin with, can I tell you how much I do not enjoy telling you the state of my puss (vagina). It should not be a part of my e . The answer is no. I cannot give in or up the statement that the only way my cooch works is with men. Got it. Everybody hears it in my head regardless of what I do. But, this in only works with an out. Got it. I shouldn’t have to continue this same conversation year after fucking year.
BTW, I was forced to stop using p deliveries because it turned into America’s Test Kitchen. Do you know how many years I have already been living this way? I believe it was September 2013 when they altered my Shakeology to make me gain weight instead of keeping me healthy.
Nobody could continue to live like this as I have! I do fucking remarkably well. In fact, I do exceedingly well. I did not ask for any of this! I did not sign up for this! I did not audition or this! I did not in any way agree to take part, play a role, have my life taken from me, or anything else that has happened since I moved here. I would like some fucking credit! I am constantly being told how little I am doing. Do you understand that I do not want ANY OF THIS!!! My life has been taken from me. I did not in any way agree to be drugged, duped, misled, made fun of, problem-solving figure it out peeing-eyed dog, or be watched from my living room, bedroom, and every room in this house, be told what movies and shows I can and cannot watch. None of this is my life or of my doing! I don’t even have free access to the internet. I don’t have a choice in the attorney I am allowed to use. I don’t have access to internet searches they are all confined to only allowing me what someone else want’s me to purchase and not a true reflection of what I like, my tastes, or any of it.
Do you understand that I had been aware for years of being followed! David Wolfe waving from the passenger-side in a white pick-up as I was mowing my lawn. I was aware my neighbors were keeping tabs on me. So, I went out of my way to let them know my plans, so they could see I was not a bad person, or a criminal just because I chose to help and care for my mother when I saw she could still be reached after her stroke and the nursing home only saw her as a patient, that I was not vengeful, or malicious, or anything but Cherith Gjestland. Do you know I saw the SUV with the license plate RECON on my drive to Tammy’s. I saw the license plate REEP on the drive to Tammy’s. I can’t even begin to tell you all the times I saw David on his motorcycle. I wish I had never reached out to him. I wouldn’t be sitting here the way I am now. I would probably still have all my female organs. I saw still David Wolfe when I saw The Crystal Skull standing below me. There have been a lot of horrible words spoken between us which has caused a great deal of hurt for me. I thought if I was hurt by them he might also have been hurt by them which is the only reason I contacted him to reach out and make it better. Turns out it was no big deal, and I never should have contacted him. At that movie, Crystal Skull, I didn’t look at him. I just couldn’t live through that hurt again. It had been too long. I let it go and walked away. But, then I saw David Wolfe sitting on the bench at the movie theater again. I didn’t look at him. I saw his brother extra curly-haired and blonde standing outside the movie theater. When he looked at me, he almost looked hopeful, expectant, looking for relief. At the time, he looked like he was hoping I’d spoken with David. I walked the other direction. Because I had been aware I had been followed for so long, David was the only person I could think of that would do that. But, I have been wrong about a lot of things, so maybe none of it is true. I want everyone to know because there has been so much made over me writing about the moments I felt between David and me. Those moments and that time has long since passed. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt it is long gone for David as well because I no longer feel anything or any connection. I heard his voice the other day, but it is not a good thing for me. Can you even possibly begin to understand how humiliating that experience was for me?! I will never be able to look at David the same way again which is really what the point was. Too much time has passed. You can never go back. I am happy for David Wolfe, but I want him to let me go. I have been forced and manipulated into the 1, 2, 3. I have only chosen David as a way to keep things straight. I would like him to do me the courtesy of allowing me to meet good, nice, available men. I don’t care what song they play. I know all the he’s are otherwise, it has been that way for years now. Can you possibly imagine what it would be like to live for years in this way. Every man they try to convince me is waiting for me – like I’m a dumbo – when it is all make-believe. A way to string me along. The best-friends story line was so many years ago. Things do not remain the same. It makes me feel so pathetic to keep this David and James story line going. I don’t even want to talk about that mother-fucking whore James Franco.
How humiliating to do that to me. To have everyone aware of what was going on. I very much doubt you can understand what it is like to be a woman. But, can you imagine what it would be like to sacrifice years of your life because you saw an opportunity to reach somebody who just so happened to be my mother. Nobody else wanted me. I had no big job opportunities. Can you imagine what it would like to be 18 years old acting in a dinner theater have a fellow actor – a much older man – tell you he loves you, buys you a ring, and you move in together only to have him terrorize, manipulate, hurt, and most importantly kick you. As I have written before. He didn’t kick me when I was down on the ground like a dog. He used to kick me when I was standing tall. Sole to sternum. Afraid for my life for years afterward because it didn’t matter where I moved he always found me again. He did just enough to let me know he was there, but not enough to allow me to report him. Then, sacrifice years of my life to caring for my mother. Finally, I think I am going to be able to live my life. Find a man who will love me enough to keep me, marry me for the rest of my life. I know this is probably boring you, I write it to be understood. Then, suddenly I can no longer have children. I am told I must have surgery (I no longer believe this needed to happen I believe they did it to watch and monitor me). I have to sell the home I’ve lived in for over twenty years. Find a new place to live. Find a job. Recover from surgery. Get into a car accident that was not my fault. I swerved to the right. He swerved left, into me. I would have cleared him. Start a job with a broken arm. Try to make a new life and meet men only to find out EVERY single man did not add up. Do you know what it is like to come away from a date having had a nice meal only to see the same familiar Sheriff’s cars following you, only to feel something was not correct the entire date, having to cry to yourself on the drive and in your home because something is all wrong?! Then, the horrible humiliation of the google glass. Stitched from the inside out, remember. To then discover everything was wrong, your job, your home, your car, your friends, everything was wrong. To then be forced into the whole world I never wanted?!!! Not to mention my mother’s death that I was lied to for years about. Had imposters play her in the nursing home as if I couldn’t tell they were fake, and how am I supposed to have a conversation with a fake mother?! It’s not as if I could yell at the imposter for not being real. Lied to about my mother’s death only to be told years later in my head that she has been passed for some time. Go to a fake funeral. Have my cats taken away from me. Barely able to manage to get out of bed. Beyond broke. Do you know it’s been more tha 2 ½ years since I’ve been able to buy new underwear?! Because I am constantly having to return things, have things ruined. I do fucking remarkably well. I want some fucking credit for it.
Do you know they starved me to death to get me to lose 18 pounds by not allowing me access to food? Sometimes they controlled me through my finances by keeping me beyond broke. Most of the time they did it by way of character judgement. They made me believe I had to prove my sexuality. They made me believe I was a bad person and a pervert. It is so humiliating. So I would go hungry to prove I did not want anything other than a man in my life. Do you know who forced me to go from weighing over 230 lbs to 120 something? No one. I made the decision myself, and I made it happen all by myself. Which reminds me of another time having been to the beach with Rachel seeing I was being followed while at the beach. I stopped at Publix on the way home. A man passed me down the aisle he looked into my cart and he looked at me because at the time I was in the process of losing weight and I had nothing but fruits and vegetables. I knew he was someone who was reporting back and keeping tabs on me because it is like a suit they cannot take off.
The homework assignment at the group interview for TCS was to find a product you liked at TCS and talk about. TCS had archival boxes which is something I had been looking for when clearing out my parents junk I came upon my mother’s wedding dress and I wanted to preserve it. I went looking for them in stores. I went to JoAnn Fabrics to look for archival storage. There was a shorter, blonde woman my age or older following me. It’s like seeing the same person over and over again even though they are in a different body. I remember being so happy having found the archival storage at TCS. A suit they can’t take off.
I know I am not correct all the time. But, more often than I am ever given credit for, I am correct. I just wanted people to know I meant no harm. I’m not a bad person.
Turns out David Wolfe did not know me best of all. He’s a better acor than I’ve ever given him credit for.
I still most truthfully, cannot believe that everyone was not aware of everything that has taken place.
Can I tell you how horrible it was to work at Disney the last go around? Receiving phone calls from “Casey” choking on phlegm and having to be nice to her since I was at work. I never wanted to speak to that bitch again. I call her a bitch because I am so appalled at what happened. I texted her after I had been duped into a set-up where we each paid for our own beers, saying it was not a good idea to hang out anymore because I did not like her in that way. She un-friended me on facebook. For some reason, I thought she would have mature enough to let go. It was literally disgusting to hear her voice on the other end of the line. Knowing I am being watched at work, knowing I have no one to complain to, or to tell us the abuse, knowing the only response I could give would be to frown uncontrollably. Do you know I was literally manipulated, duped, and tricked into letting her “sleep off her drunk” here? I was so uncomfortable, I literally slept in the living room because I was too uncomfortable to get in my own bed, and I slept with one eye open. I think I woke up every hour waiting to get her up and out of my house. Check the footage I left the tv on all night, and that was before I knew they could see me from the television. They took my good memories of Disney and the reason why I stayed there and stayed loyal to Disney for so many years because it was not for the salary. I could have gotten a better paying job elsewhere. But, I stayed loyal to Disney for reasons at this moment I will NOT share, and that fuck-face twat of a man ruined it for me.
You know what you can fucking forget making return things every single week, so I am stuck having to drive every single fucking day. I chose UPS pick up and I meant I am not driving to the fucking store, they can pick that shit up!
Can you explain to me why I have to have people standing outside my window waking me??!!!
Do you know how incredibly unfair it is to create these problems that keep me constantly beyond poor and broke?!
Someone asked me in my head while at work what my favorite flower was, so please do not ruin that for me. I answered in my head. Please don’t ruin it with trixie’s.
You have a problem at the moment. #1 I have no idea why I am . I have no idea what my is other than to as possible. #2 I have no idea why people are placed in front of me as they are. #3 A lot of these celebrities are not happy or enjoy being placed in front of me or delivering products. It has an effect. If they don’t enjoy doing it why would I enjoy it? Plus, I don’t care if any of them are celebrities. I don’t want this life.
Because of my hands I want to tell you, but I won’t.
I want to tell you about all the times I’ve seen people. Like the time I saw Hunter Hayes at McDonald’s. I stopped in on my way from Siesta key. He even had Hunter on his name tag. But, I won’t.
I want to tell you why I wrote that fuck-less wonder James Franco, Bitch you ain’t my black. I want to tell you how my grandfather saved the life of a Zulu’s chief’s son. I want to tell you how I grew up with a zebra shield and spear in our den. I want to tell you that my black is South Africa because it is a part of my ancestry and heritage along with all the other nationalities. I want to tell you I can’t get rid of South Africa because I refuse to give up my past, growing up, and the histories of my parents. I want to tell you how I grew up listening to Miriam Makeba. I want to tell you how to deny South Africa is to deny my own father’s existence. Good or bad he is still my father. Some people just aren’t meant to be parents. I want to tell you the work my father does at The Lighthouse. I want to tell you that even though he was never a father to me there are those at The Lighthouse that he helps. They treat him like a god there. I want to tell you, but because of my hands I won’t.
I get abused with the toilet paper, with my purchases, and so many other things I can’t think of at the moment, and who do I get to tell?! No one. I don’t get to be upset, or hurt, or have any emotion whatsoever. Something bad happens and I do not get to tell or talk to anyone about it. You got to be fucking kidding?! Who else could do this the way I have for as long as I have. No one!
My brain – First of all, it is my brain first. Everyone else comes after that. For some reason, I believe it was you saying in my head that “they” have taken advantage of me using my brainspeak. Speaking in my head is not in any way the same as speaking face to face or even over the phone. There is no body-language, or inflection, or nuisance. Also, it takes a great deal more energy.
Just like speaking to different people face to face having a person speak in my head is different from person to person. Last Thursday there was a person that shut down my whole being just from being in my head. It doesn’t just affect my head. It isn’t just a matter of speaking to a different person. The effect radiates throughout my whole body and beyond.
I don’t like that governor placed on my head. Being squished down. Confined. I don’t know why they do it. You would have a much greater result if you just spoke to me through the instead of trying to manage me through my head.
I am not done yelling at you.
I am so grossly unhappy.
Cherith J Gjestland
WE - DO NOT AGREE! 