WE – DO NOT AGREE!

July 3, 2017

                ,

What is the fucking point in talking to you?!  I do not believe what I heard about setting me up with a fucking virus all over my hands was set-up a week in advance.  Bull-shit!!!!  Anything can be changed!!!!  You were all aware of how bad this would have an effect on me and choose not to have my best interests at heart.

I have what looks like a worm growing under my skin.  I do not have time for this fucking bull-shit!!!!

Who would want to work for an               who constantly sets their best              up for failure every day?!  Who would want to            for an             who harms and hurts their own fucking         , who in spite of everything still chooses to be loyal to the person who touched her knee in the bar and gave her the             smile as he left?!  Why would I still want to       at a place of business who goes to such great length to degrade and belittle the one person who brought the world to them.  You need me.  I do not need you.  Because I do not want to be a       .

I am not your fucking detective!  I am not your fucking Sherlock!

Fire every person involved in invading my home and spreading virus everywhere!!!!!

Because of this I will no longer use that knee.

Because of this any idea of creativity has left me.

Because of this what is the point of demanding creative control to me alone?!  When you are powerless to even make that happen!

What is the point of you?!

Who would take the good and beautiful that I see in people and use against them?!  To harm and hurt them?!

What is the point of you if you have no power whatsoever?!

I am so miserably unhappy and pissed the fuck off!!!

Cherith J Gjestland

Rachel,

You are no longer a friend of mine, and you know why.  I would never do to you what you have done to me and the things you have done to me.

I am guessing that when we met at work it was not by accident.  It seems someone is very protective of brother.

I have a picture of you and I taken at the back break room.  I wore a navy dress with a pink cameo and pearl necklace, and a great smile as I glowed.  It was my birthday, I wanted to look nice when I went to school later in the day.  I think there was pizza with black olives back there.

My smile had nothing to do with you, or me, or my birthday – I was going to see David.  It was a feeling that could not be contained, concealed, there was no way for me to disguise it.  I went to Kazbor’s with David and friends that night for my birthday.  It was one of the last real birthday parties I’ve had as lame as it was.  More than twenty years ago.

I guess you got the job at Progressive in 2012 because I applied for it and never got hired.  Just like Alisha getting hired at Macy’s because I applied for the job in 2012.  Just like I am still denied access to real employment.  And, last time I checked President Obama is no longer in office.

I believe I understand in some part why you never invited me to your home.

However, you were a friend, I believed.  A friend I travelled with.  A friend that I cheered for and encouraged to pursue promotions at our job.  A friend I encouraged because that is the kind of person am.  I would have had your back if someone made fun of you, or put you down because I am THAT kind of person.

How many times since moving here did you ask me if I wanted to take up acting, and mysteries, and so forth.  My answer was always the same – NO!  I was and still am middle-aged, I have spent my life entirely alone.  I wanted to finally have a man in my life – that was what I wanted more than anything.  Because a life without love is meaningless.

After my surgery – that never needed to happen – you visited me in this house.  I have no idea what you said during the visit.  To me you spoke like you were on speed – not like I would know.  I have just now understood how easy it is for those in hospitals, nursing homes, and even in your own home to be taken advantage of – for you took advantage of me.  At the most you should have only stayed for a half an hour.  I was delirious.  I was not on pain medication, but I was in so much pain I couldn’t even ask you to leave when I wanted to scream to get you out of my house.  I was in so much pain I couldn’t move let alone think.  I was falling asleep in front of you.  It was clear I was not enjoying the visit and you continued to stay.  I am making this point for a reason.

You took me to that stupid bar in Sarasota where you introduced me to a puny man called Ben.  The whole time I felt like his mother encouraging him to be a better person.  In a million years, or if he was the last man on the planet I would and am NOT ATTRACTED TO THAT MAN!!!!!!!

I have no idea why I am being punished with this imprisonment which you have been a part of, Rachel.

I will say this, you crossed the line at Krav Maga.  Perhaps it was not your choice, but you could have said no.  You crossed the line and I do not need to say anymore about it.  I wanted to learn self-defense because I wanted to travel – alone.

You worked for Cox and Kings, right?!  Also, not true.  I guess that is why you had a secondary Facebook account because I had one at one time.  I did nothing wrong.  I did nothing improper.  I simply wanted to be prepared for what was going on in the world.  I wanted to make sure I did it right, so that I didn’t hurt David’s feelings again.  I think it is a very difficult relationship for people to understand.

There is no longer a way back for he and I, but if you think for one minute that I am going to deny David for a set of tits, you got to be kidding me.

I will not deny him not just for me, I won’t deny him so that others might have the possibility of knowing what something fantastic really could be.  Even, if I will never know that again.  It is something I’ve learned over the last several years.  Just look at my face.  It is not the face of someone who enjoys or is happy with their life, or what they are doing.

I remember when you fell down the stairs as we were all loaded into the car to go to a soccer game.  I felt so bad for you, I started laughing.  It was a painful, uncontrollable laugh, and I tried.  Perhaps that was also, not true your fall might not have been an accident.

You will see, I have to actually stay alive in order for everything to continue since it seems I am never allowed to have my life back.  I hope it was worth it to you.  I know you would not visit me at my funeral.

Who knows who you really are.

What I know is you are not a friend to me.

We are not friends.

December 27, 2017

James Franco,

You lying son of a bitch!

You and David Wolfe took a risk with your fake dating, and it back-fired in the worst way possible!  You knew it went bad big-time, and instead of coming clean with your mistake you covered it up pretending something and someone that was never real or a man I EVER cared about was my destiny, my true love, a match, or even love at all.

Why the fuck do you think I walked on by when I saw David and that midget at Home Depot?!!!  You fucking liars!!  Since, you have altered the texts of previous journaling I’ve done before on my other computers I am uncertain if you left that previous message in there.  I wrote it before.  I walked on by the two of you.  You squirted that STUPID COLOGNE in front of me, making me walk on by because I wanted nothing to do with ANYONE involved or connected in any way with that last dating experience!!

You were aware, and understood after that dating experience I was NEVER going to allow that to happen again.  Because if you did it once, you would do it again, and I did not have the means to get you to stop as my pleading and begging for it to end was unheeded.  So, you have denied me the chance to have a man to fall in love with.

What a horrible human being you are.

What person denies another person the ability to have love?

How much you must hate and despise women to do this to me – a great woman!

You have absolutely no comprehension of what it is to live a life where everywhere you went people are following you, and watching you.  I could pick them out a mile away – EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!

Do you know what it is like to be constantly matched with men who are unattractive, dull, boring, physically unexciting, to have no romance at all, to never have any blushing cheeks from the embarrassment of desire, to never feel sexually desired by a man who you in return want with so much unrestrained emotion you could consume every ounce of him and not be satisfied?!

Do you know what it was like dating the red-headed Mark?  Yet again, another unattractive man, dull, boring, uninteresting to talk to, yet I was in such a need to have a life with a man and not wanting to sit at home – alone – for the rest of my life I went on EVERY single opportunity there was to meet a man.  Here I meet a man for a drink, and my first thought is – yuck.  This is it?!  I let him take me on a second date because, fucking hell man, there had to be more somewhere.  Nope.  He took me to that expensive restaurant, he gave me a rose, I had my car valet parked, I wore a nice dress, he was polite, it was a very good meal, but there was no more to it than that.  Not a moment happened between us.  Not a spark.  Not a single flustering of my emotions, he never excited me, and I tried.  Man, did I try, so fucking hard with every single date.  And, I am easy to love.  I am easy to flirt with.  I mean I am fucking hot-as-hell, at least I used to be before – YOU, YOU FUCKING LOUSY MAN!  Never once did any of the men I dated respond to me in any way. Can you possibly imagine what that can do to a person’s mind?  Can you possibly imagine how that would make a woman feel?  Can you possibly imagine how it would make a woman feel who had just spent years alone sacrificing her life for her family to then lose over 125lbs. to then be viewed as undesirable by every man who dated her?!  Mark took me to that fancy restaurant, then I drove home, I was stopped by the train, a Sheriff’s car was in front of me as we were both stopped by the train and I knew, I was not alone.  I turned my head as the tears started falling from my eyes because…

Do you know when I was on eHarmony, I instantly deleted profiles if they did not meet my height requirement.  It was a good instinct too.  Somethings will never change.  Especially after the last dating experience I will not surrender my good taste.

I want nothing to do with David Wolfe anymore because of that dating experience.  Until my financial dependence changes, I will be unable to forgive him for the horrible wrong and injustice he has done to me!

It is a terrible sin that you have taken away from me one of the greatest men I have ever known in my life.  You did that James Franco.  You knew he was an important man to me.  You knew he was a valuable part of my life, you took him from me in the worst way possible because your ego believed you knew better.  It is a relationship that can no longer be repaired because of you, James Franco.

I will write the story, but to protect myself from you, I will write this now.  In the hospital room, sitting with my back to the open door – which I never do – instinct – with the lights off except for a light behind the hospital bed where my mother lay unresponsive, and I sat with severe stillness begging and pleading, and bargaining with God to bring my mother back to me for every reason I could think of, and I was asked to leave by the unskilled nurse who wanted to put a tube in mother’s nose, walking out of the room taking note of the time realizing I had spent hours praying for my mother’s life, I walked down the hospital hallway and I heard whispered in my ear, David.  Years later, looking for David on-line I came across a MySpace page of David’s where he blogged about a loss in his family’s life.  In the text David wrote a passage that I believed and knew he meant for me alone.  When I read I scrambled quickly as I couldn’t believe it, he wrote it nearly to the minute I heard his name audibly spoken in my ear.

Whoever told you that all I wanted to do was sit at home and watch television when I moved here – lied to you!  All I wanted to do was read and write, and find someway to get out of this place.  For I had already lived in Florida too long.

You are disgusting to me!

I never want to live in your world.

Disgusting!

No one would want to play me.

We had the game Hüsker Dü growing up, no one in my family wanted to play with me, my friends would choose other games to play.  Because when it came to memory – it was game over for them.

I could see it wash over their face as they realized there was no way they could win against me.

My memory was something I held on to as a way to teach myself.  I knew my memory was a learning tool that I could use.  It was sharper than other learning techniques.  I relied on it greatly.

Unfortunately for me, all I have anymore is mushy brain.

I wake up after 5, 6, 8, 10, 12 hours of sleep, and I could immediately fall asleep again.  I am sure a great deal of that has to do with my limited and type of physical activity vs. food and hydration.  More than that, it is this use of my brain while not allowing me to emotionally mature, or become enlightened as anyone would as the years go by.

December 2014, early morning I was at a Wal-Mart because I – again – had not a single bit of food in my house.  If you want to know the secret as to how a person looses 18lbs. in a matter of less than two months – you stop eating – or, as is the case with me, I was denied access to food financially, as well as, at gas stations, grocery stores, and anywhere else you can buy food.

Finally, I had beaten all the traps, gestures, and the problems that are constantly in front of me when I looked up.  I had felt the security camera in the ceiling on me, so I looked at it.  It is something I used to do without thinking, checking roof tops, peripherals, and eyeballs like cameras.  Did Michael teach me that?  Some of it, I am sure came from the Michael years.  But, most of it is just like my grandparents – I knew it, click – just that quick.

When I looked up, bang!  Like I was shot, sound effect.  As if I was being told not to look at the camera anymore.  As if I was supposed to pretend that I was no longer aware that the camera was looking at me.  Which is to say, it caused me to stop being myself.

I am not sure when it happened, but I stopped believing I no longer had the right to look the camera in the eye.  However, I still need help with de-programming.

Another way this mushy brain has been allowed to continue and degrade has been the disruption in my writing.  Once, I became a reader – story to follow, stay tuned – the compulsion to write which had always been there became greater.  The more I wrote, the better my writing became, the better functioning my brain became.

Like a neat and tidy desk.

Let me write this quick before I forget it, and as mentioned in an earlier post I am not sure if this was edited out in a previous journal.

One of the many jobs my mother had –  she usually had several jobs – was as an exchange student co-ordinator.  My father would teach the English classes.  Since, it was summer I tagged along as a do-everything-else-that-needed-to-be-done person.  I believe this summer we had several groups of students at one time.

One evening after a very long day of students, and English classes somehow it was myself, my mother, and the tour escort in the living room.  My mother turned to me and asked me how the day went.  However, what she said was take over I’ve had more than I can do and I need a break.  It’s one of those unspeakable’s you learn from your family – how to speak without words.

That was all it took, and I was off.  Like a switch that went from off to on.  Snap.  I have no idea what I said.  I know I mentioned something about a hot-dog.  There was a quirk I said about aliens just because I knew it would get a laugh.  I may not remember the exact words, but I remember their faces in constant laughter.  The tour escort spoke good English, but I know she couldn’t have understood every word I spoke.  Something’s go beyond words.  Snap.  The switch turned off.  I turned to look at the kitchen clock, it had been nearly two hours that I had been on.

This is who I used to be.  This is the place I used to live.  For so much more can be accomplished through willingness and laughter.

Just coffee for breakfast, somehow I have lost my appetite.  I am on my second pot of barley palatable coffee, and what’s the point of eating when it is packed full of so many calories that my stomach is heavy and bloated.  Fucking fix this shit, man!  What a waste of time!

Do you know one of the things I used to help myself lose weight was drinking coffee?  I found the acidity in coffee made me eat breakfast, so that I was not going an entire day without eating, or living off of one meal a day.  Eating more often kept my metabolism working as it should.

My mind is full of everything I have and need to get done.  My mind has written a half a dozen or more new posts between this morning and now, however writing it out takes time.  As I was reminded last night, I went to see The Darkest Hour which made me want to share what I had seen in the film along with other mentionables.  But, by the time I got home both my mind and body broke down.  A literal body meets the floor.  Boom!  Down.  Asleep.

Do you know it is a bad sign when I am late?  This has been misunderstood.  This has been a lie that I am a person that is late, however if you were to pay attention and listen carefully I have mentioned, written, and said many times it is a misunderstanding when I am late.

I could barely get out of bed to go see The Darkest Hour.  it probably has something to do with the fact that I had been working more than 60 hours a week.  It is not as if I am sitting at a desk working 60 hours a week.  I am throwing around 90 pound bags of dog food for 12 hours a day,  You try working 12 hours a day throwing 90 pound bags of dog food without eating or drinking water.  Let’s see how long you last.  So, I was late, and unable to mindfully write what was in my head at the theater in time.

I am still working on writing a piece about The Darkest Hour, but the mind and body have to work together.  One cannot function without the other.  A brain in a glass jar cannot lift dog food.  A body does not function without a brain.  Got it?!

Such smart people doing the dumbest things all around me!

I don’t know how else to say this other than to just say it.  People are not food.  People are more than the clothes they wear.  People are more than the countries they are from.  People are more than the size of their bodies.  People are more than the products they use.  I MUST have variety, taste, and good flavor the first time, or I will probably flay my own skin for relief.

I am ending this with or without you because in case you missed it, I have stopped paying attention to you.  Place another person wearing a t-shirt, or color, or something in front of me and I am NOT going to change my mind, or alter my decision, or course.  I am too broke and poor to have to keep replacing and buying new products.  I am too OVER trying to figure my food and purchases out.  Continue, and I will only ignore you as I have been doing for weeks now.  It is a useless waste of energy, it is uncreative, it is a pointless use of talent.  Understand I am being kind at the moment and quite restrained.

July 4, 2017

               ,

I am running out of time to get everything out I need to say to you!  Because this situation has become impossible!  I cannot get everything out and done in a 24 hr time frame.

I need to tell you the greatest problem with the “race” business is it has a limited time frame.  It is a program that can only sustain itself for a few months.  This has been going on for years.

The time to think about the end to all if this is now.

The gates need to be fixed.  I will have to tell you more later.

I woke up this morning and by belly feels heavy and hard.  My whole body feels heavy.  Bloated.  Heavy.  Miserable.  Depressed.  Unhappy.  Sick.  Grossly unhappy.

Creative control.

The last time I used a restroom with a            in front of the toilet it was a huge problem.  I need better understanding that you are not trying to trick or harm me.

BTW, I hate              .  It is not a motivator at all.

I have to go!

Cherith J Gjestland

Drive, Drive, Drive, And Drive Some More – it’s dated 3/13/2016 – however, much of my writings have been altered and hacked by others I do not know if this date is correct.

Here I was under the impression that David knew me best and would want the best for me.  I’m just now starting to understand that is not true or correct.

I do know, I would never treat him the way he has treated me.

I would never in a million years dream of going out of my way to hurt or harm him or anyone he cared for either.

It was a mistake going to that produce place as it has been a mistake every time I’ve tried to reach out to him in the last several years.  A person should not feel full after eating a few bites of fruits or vegetables.  I was not trying to reach out to him by buying produce there.  I was trying to protect myself.

Seems I am never able to win when trying to protect myself having to be in these circumstances beyond my control.

He did give me            , however the rest associated with him and the harm he has caused me.  I just would never have gone out of my way to hurt him the way he has hurt and humiliated me.

I love him enough as a friend to want the very best for him.  It still surprises me how little of that is reciprocated.

This evening I was remembering the different times Rick changed.  When he was in the break room talking angrily about his hip replacement – he was a different Rick.

Walking to my car Rick and Marvin were watching the water sprinklers – he was a different Rick.

I think the time Rick was merchandising shoe boxes talking about the football player who was in the store with Cristina by referencing men who wear earrings about talking about how he doesn’t watch gossip television – that was a different Rick.

When Rob stood on one side of me and Rick stood on the right side of me – that was a different Rick.

Or more correctly, they were all the same Rick’s the other times they were different.  Just a guess.  I never smelled smoke.

For me it is rather pointless remembering these changes when I am struggling so much just to hang on.

I’ll stop eating food, I guess and going to the store.  It seems to be the only answer I can find.

So much bad done to me.  I am having such a hard time knowing what to do with all the bad in my life, then how to find a place to put the bad away in my headspace.

Still shock at how much I do not remember about that trip in Nov/Dec 2014.  Starving to death I remember.  Not being able to find decent shelter or afford decent shelter – I remember.  Not being able to do anything other than drive, drive, drive and drive so more – I remember.  Feeling like someone had altered every piece of clothing making terrible judgement calls on my character to the point I had to throw them all away and have nothing not even a bra to wear – I remember.

I don’t remember any scenery.  I don’t remember the way the sky looked or colors in the setting sun or anything one would normally remember while driving.

So much bad done to me beyond my control and I not only don’t know how I am going to get better, I don’t know if it is even possible to get better.

 

July 27, 2017

Edison -or-whatever-your-fucking-name-really-is,

You fucking lousy lay!

You worthless child-brat of a man!

Do you honestly think for one moment I cared for you in any way?!  I was only with you to prove to David Kahit Wolfe that I was not a threat.  So, he would stop following me and having me watched!

At the very sound of your voice, I exclaimed, OH MY GOD SHUT UP!!

We were never a match in any way!

It was nothing more than a set-up!

I saw the look of fear in your false eyes when you saw the look in my eye when I saw David Kahit Wolfe sitting there at Panera.

Do you think for one moment it was you that made me funny that could for one second could ever make me laugh?!

You are the very reason I had to stop dating because of your treacherous deceit!  There is not a chance I could ever let an experience like that happen AGAIN!!!!

IT WAS NEVER YOU!!!  YOU STUPID USELESS FUCK OF A MAN!!!!!!!!!

Not a fucking chance I ever want to see you again!  Not a fucking chance do I ever want to hear you again!  Not a fucking chance do I ever want to know of your existence again!!!

I am by far the greater person!

I am by far of woman of so much better worth than a man like you should ever have been allowed to be involved, around, or anywhere near me, or my life – EVER!!!!

You think you made me?!  You think you made me into something?!

It was ONLY because of David Wolfe.

I want you removed from every part of my life permanently!

You disgusting, ugly worthless man!

YOU STAY OUT OF MY LIFE FOR GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You stay the fuck off my computer!  You stay the fuck off my internet!

YOU FUCKING MANIPULATIVE FUCK!!!!!!

You weaseled your way into my life!  You weaseled your way into a fucking job!

If I hadn’t been trying to make a point to David Kahit Wolfe I would NEVER have gone out with you!

Oh yeah, and by the fucking way after my first meeting with you I never wanted to see you again!  I was fucking manipulated, and mind-tricked into the entire experience of you!

I would rather die than EVER see you in or out of your stupid, fucking disguise!

I don’t care who the fuck you are!

I don’t care anything about you!

I never cared about you!

If you didn’t have David Wolfe telling me to get a seat I would never have sat the fuck down!

You are the most disgusting mongrel!

Stay away!  Stay out of my life!  Never come anywhere near me again!

Cherith J Gjestland