WE – DO NOT AGREE!

October 9, 2017

For David Wolfe only:

David,

I do not wish to write to you in any way since you have brought me to          under false pretenses.  However, I will not now nor will I in the future write anything further to the other computer or          .  It should be my feelings above all else that should be taken into consideration which has yet to be done.  After watching Spartacus, it only cemented the first feelings I had about all of this – you have made me feel nothing more than a sex slave to be passed around from man to man.  You most clearly feel nothing for me or you would not allow other men to use me without my consent or permission.

I feel I must write to make certain that being held under such false pretense,                  , and abuse will not take place for me in the future.  Again, I do not have time to do it all in one day before I have to get to work on time.

I will repeat, I should never be in jeopardy of losing my         – EVER.  No one works harder than me.  No one has to do everything that I do!  I must make it look easy or everyone would not try to copy me.

I will not be going to the movies or ordering take-out tomorrow.  I had to use a vacation day to get rest and sleep which speaks more about your treatment of me and how            abuses me than I could ever say.

I am so appalled and disgusted by you, David.  Again, I wish I had never met you.  You have forever changed my opinion of you.

In the future, I will not be playing a key role, nor will I have my day ordered by my driving route this has no place whatsoever in the               !

You have treated me as a thing instead of the intelligent woman that I am – I cannot forget that.

It is you, David who is afraid of me.  You are afraid to speak to me.  You are afraid to approach me in person and in real, or you would have done so already.  You are the one who closed the door to me when you called me delusional which is of course, why I never approached you or spoke to you whenever I saw you.

Cherith J Gjestland

I had been writing to myself, to others, to persons I know, as well as to persons I’ve only met.  I had been writing to them about events that happened to me, how I feel and felt, etc.  I gave them away believing that they had the power to make something out of it.  However, in doing so I gave away my power.

No one else has the right to tell my story.  If they wanted my story and stories they should have spoken to me without any disguise, proxy, or any other contrivance or barrier.  They should have made a deal, a contract, some form providing NO hidden meanings, or fine print to trip upon, stating clearly and in English terms and payment.  Instead, I had to pay for the privilege of seeing my work given to someone else.  Anger does not cover what I feel.

So, I am taking all the writings I had addressed to someone else and posting them here.  I am taking them from someone else’s hands and placing my work back to me.  If you want it come and get – Do not copy, copy?!

To me it does not matter if this material does not make sense to you, the reader at this point it is more important for me to regain possession of my own work, and words.

Some portions have been left out for my protection.

October 11, 2017

For David Wolfe only:

David,

I despise having to talk to you like this, since I do not wish to speak to you again.  You cannot undo the damage you have done.

1. The toilets at      : I am only able to use the one toilet as it is the only toilet in the whole building that does not have a              in front of it, therefore it is the only toilet without                 .
2. I leave the light on in my garage because it is an               .
3. After having been told off about not walking                  , and for                  , I am no longer rearranging or making any changes whatsoever               . It is dumb and an absolute waste of time.
4. Again, I repeat there is NO REASON WHATSOEVER THAT I SHOULD EVER BE IN FEAR OF MY        !
5. The reason I do not walk in front of        is my experience has been they do nothing but invent ways to hurt me, so I have to spend money to fix it.

Do you know I still miss my Thursday and Tuesday?  And all my belongings.  I still believe I should not have given up the care of my mother.  This life you have done for me is just NOT worth living.  I thought my life was on hold before while I was taking care of her, and I would finally be able to start living and have a life, but you have taken that all from me.  If I had gotten that job at         in 2012 I could have started as a sales girl, but worked my way up to management, or a buyer, or a merchandiser.  I would have been able to take care of myself in my own home where I had created my whole life.  If I had gotten the job at           in 2012 I could have worked myself up to trainer or supervisor and been able to take care of myself in my own home.  I could have put money aside so I could have spent time abroad.

All of this has been designed to make me feel as though I am incapable of taking care of myself financially, but you have created that problem so I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE IN LIFE!!!!!

Do you not understand how painful and hurtful it was to not allow me to actually date men and have a life?!

Do you not understand how hurtful it was to see you ALL the fucking time on your motorcycle?!  You could have let me go and allowed me to date men who found me attractive, so I could have been living a life with love in it.

I remember the game building the railroad – I forget the name of it – where your name was in the credits.

It’s time to really end this fake        and give me back control over my own life.  It is time.

I will be forever grateful for those moments in college, but I cannot go back to them.  I do not see you the same as I did before.  Worse still, I no longer feel you in my heart or being.  I never thought that would go away.  I thought some part of you would remain, however it has been cut out of me.

I cannot tell you how disappointed I am in you that you have allowed people into my home as if you had the right to do so.  Also, I am so disappointed that you allowed them to ruin the taste of my       .  The        , the      , all of it is bad enough but it was personal to take away my           .  Which is what all of this really is – a personal attack.  What my time at          has taught me is that those in charge are afraid, frightened, jealousy, envious, and in all other ways malicious when it comes to my good looks, talent, taste, respect, sexuality, mind, and what was once love for you, David.  It is the only explanation to ruin someone’s looks – envy and jealousy.

I do not understand why I had to                                    .

I remember seeing you and Courtney kissing at the beach.  You two are a perfect couple.  Please leave me alone.

I remember you getting “married” to                       .  I remember you coming into the store as Rene after you unfriended me on facebook.

I so often wonder why you did what you have done.  I’ve thought if you had wanted me to feel more on equal footing with famous people, then your plan has backfired.  If your whole purpose was to humiliate, embarrass, and shame me then your plan succeeded.

I am so tired of talking to you like this.  I am so tired of having to yell at you.  I am so tired of living like this.  I have been more than patient.  Do you not understand that I have gone without a single personal contact, friend, or relationship of any kind for more than 3 ½ years closer to four?  Even field agents have contacts.  And, more importantly they actually agreed to it and signed up for it. I never did nor have.

I hear in my head how this never should have happened.  How there was no cause, or reason, or evidence of any wrong doing, or bad behavior even on my part.  I HEAR THIS               and I know this is not my voice saying this.

Do you know the other night             I was yelled at          for looking at a man and thinking to myself how handsome he looked.  ???!!!  Do you understand how out of control                  that you’ve allowed                 in my own head?!!  What is possibly wrong about thinking another man was attractive.  Even if I was married to the man of my dreams, happily in love, there is nothing wrong with looking at another man and thinking he is good-looking?!  To yell at me for that?!  After all these years of persecution, injustice, humiliation and shame somebody has the nerve to get upset with me IN MY HEAD for seeing beauty in a man?!  It is so disgusting I just want to slit my wrists.  Think about it for just a moment.  Think about it.

Do you know I see                                                                                                                                             – you gotta be kidding me?!

Do you know I saw the look on the face                                  that day at the courthouse, and all I saw was – you mean, this girl?!

Do you have any comprehension of how confusing any of this is?!

I am not yet done, but I am tired.  I need to lie down.  Which is why I know if given the chance I will live the rest of my life in seclusion somehow.  Away from any public life of any kind.

Cherith J Gjestland

I miss my Tuesday and Thursday.  I miss my cats still.  I am so angry over being deceived and lied to about how my cats were being cared for it saddens me with burning hot angry tears that do not end.

I am still so angry about what happened tonight!  I am so tired of people manipulating the situation for their own purpose and never correcting, or fixing their mistakes.

No longer am I picking signs off the road, changing my route because of a sign in the road, or any other such nonsense.

I should come first.  I should determine the way ahead first!

I am sick to death of having to starve for no reason.  I am sick of $1 pizza, chips, and frozen dinner not only because I cannot afford the ingredients, but I cannot afford to keep the ingredients.

Nor, do I believe anything that had any hidden meaning in what I saw tonight.  There is no excuse for these last several years.  NONE!

What a waste of time and money today was.

#1 Because I didn’t get what I wanted.  What I want.  What I am interested in.  The things I like do not matter.

I reach a threshold and then, I am done, fed up, pissed off, and D-O-N-E!

I am done believing in someone else’s rules that do not apply to me.

I got misdirected to a movie at the wrong time and theater.  I am done believing in signs, and double-speak.  I am over getting out-of-the-way and making U-turns because of signs in the roads.

I do not know nor did I ever believe that any man who I have ever known would wait years for while he continued to live a sex-less life.  I have never believed.

The worst dating experience of my entire life which lasted about a year, and I have to continue re-living that experience for YEARS?!!!  You got to be out of your fucking mind?!

David Wolfe, really all I remember anymore – I will no longer allow myself to remember anything else – is all the yelling that happened between us.  You constantly humiliating and embarrassing me, me yelling in response, yelling, yelling, yelling, and nothing more than angry words between us.

Can you imagine what it would be like being followed, being aware that you are being followed – for years?!  I know I stick out like a sore thumb (no pun, no hidden meaning) anymore – no, I think I’ve always had something that called attention to myself.

You know the reason why films have dailies?  So the actors can have some concept of how their character is coming across.  Well, I am no actor, writer, singer, or anything else which is why that doesn’t happen in my world.

It didn’t have to happen like this.  It didn’t have to be a secret.  I could have actually been hired with understanding straight-forward communication instead of trying to make me believe something that never was real.

I will never, never, never believe any famous actor or person knows me beyond they’re getting paid to be placed in front of me.

I am too angry tonight.  I am so over having to remember the past that I ended years ago.

Don’t I ever get to move on?!  I don’t ever get to have a life of my own anymore?

The world had moved on without me.  My heart has done the same.  I have been made to do otherwise.

Oh yeah, guess what I do like the rain, but I also like the sun on shoulders it makes me happy – somethings never change.

Tired of weasels!

I am sick of people weasel-ing their way into my home and life!  Trying to make a reality that NEVER existed.  Trying to make themselves more important or special then they ever were.  No matter what route I take, or product, or anything I do to KEEP CERTAIN PEOPLE OUT OF MY LIFE FOR GOOD they are able to weasel their way into my job, house, and car which does nothing but take away my happiness.

How is it that everyone else’s happiness and storyline in more important THAN MY OWN!

Some stories no matter how many times you repeat them will never be true!

I want my house back!

Why is it that people constantly get to ruin and destroy my property and it NEVER is corrrected or fixed – EVER!

I used to spend my entire at work correcting problems and mistakes I saw in my path – NO LONGER.  It is not my job to replace barriers, rearrange tissue boxes, or any other such nonsense.

Because of these last few years David, how could I ever want or wish to see you again?  Leave me in peace.  I am happy for your success and happiness.  Why can you  not do the same for me?

Everything over these last few years has been nothing more than an unbearable combination of hurry up, and then hurry up some more!

Hurry up and wake up, hurry up and eat breakfast, hurry up and get some clothes on, hurry up and go to work, hurry up and work, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry some more, faster, faster, faster, you are not going fast enough at work – GO FASTER, hurry up and not eat lunch of food of any kind while at work, hurry up and drive home, hurry up and clean the cat litter, hurry up and feed my cats, hurry up and take out the trash, hurry up and finally eat – but, do it quickly and hurry, hurry up and go to sleep, hurry up while sleeping, hurry up and wake up, so you can do it all over again.

My mind is gone because of it.  Parts of my personality have completely vanished.

Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, this constant hurry, this constant demanding expectation is depressing and oppressive.

Hurry!  Hurry!  Hurry!

Everything is too fast, it is too high, the numbers are too high, it is more than a person is able to function normally.

Hurry!  Hurry!  Hurry!  Hurry!  Hurry!  Hurry!  Hurry!

Ugh!  Is it no wonder it is all I can do on my days off but lie in bed, and dream about a time when what I wanted actually was heard, and listened too, and mattered.

This life is not my dream, nor is it any semblance of what I want or wanted in life.

Yesterday, I ate canned cheese.  Canned cheese?!  Yuck!  It was so gross.  It was less than tasteless.  Stale, non-flavorful tortilla chips, microwaved canned cheese with jalapeno’s, cheap, fizzy wine, a handful of Hot Tamales, oatmeal and coffee for breakfast was all I ate yesterday.  So gross.  So yucky.  I have sunk so low.  I can’t afford to eat, and I certainly cannot afford to eat well.

I guarantee if you read the packaging it was less than a 1,000 calories for the day.  There should be no way any person even eating such crappy food should even gain 1 pound eating such in a day.  But, I am surrounded by liars, thieves, misogynist’s, vile-tempered child-men, and persons of no character.  And, I have no wish to write any further about persons who treat others and myself as people to be toyed and messed with instead of elevating and empowering them above and beyond their own ego.

How I wish to cook real food, to eat real food.  To be able to plan, purchase and buy, make and create a menu for myself, for my week and months, have left-overs that I could eat during the week, bake bread, make desserts, create desserts, and most importantly of all share with a man I love who loves me in return.

I no longer dream that day will ever come.

Things have needed to change for quite some time – for many years now.  I have seen no change.

Why someone did this to me I will never understand.  Why this continues, I do not understand.

I am hungrier than words.  My mind is hungrier than words.  There is a desperation due to deprivation.  My mind is unable to make up the difference due to the lack.

Do you ever get tired of repeating yourself?  I do.

I have written this it seems more than once, but since – how it feels anyway – that I have been handed from person to person, or sold from person to person, management changes beyond my control, or worse still sent and shipped to the highest (or lowest) bidder.

We are born from birth.  Yet, before we are ever born at the point of conception, we are hard-wired.  Are personalities, are sexuality, and others are hardwired and unchangeable.

There is change that is possible.  We can come to enlightenment.  We can discover better versions of ourselves.  We can figure out ways to learn, to learn better, to understand more.  We can empathize, discover persons and cultures.

But, there are some things that cannot change that will not change – not even if you try to force it.

It will never reveal as real.