Tag: claustrophobic

Laughter – Gone

The last time I remember really laughing was at Panera.

A man asked to meet me at Panera.  I was skeptical.  It felt like a set-up  – it was.

I walked into Panera with this man.  I showed up late, dirty hair in a ball cap because I intended to dye it later that evening.  I ate before because I didn’t want to share a meal with this man any longer because I cared nothing for this man.

At Panera, I saw him at a table with other men.  He had closed the door to him so severely, I didn’t go to his table to say, “hi.”  I walked outside without saying anything or even looking at him when I recognized him.

Yet, outside eating with this man I could feel him looking and watching me from the window.  As always when I was around him he turned something on that lit me from inside.

I was hilarious.  I was witty.  I was so funny.  I was improving and throwing out one-liners that would have entertained the entire world.

I knew I was funny.  Not because the man was laughing – I just knew I was funny on a professional level.

What I have learned.  What I understand – I will NEVER be that person again.

My proof is the last few times I’ve met him and been around him.

I’ve turned away.  I’ve not acknowledged him.

He walked by touching my knee at a bar a while ago.  I didn’t speak to him.  I touched his side as I left – that was all.

There was a time I thought I needed to speak to him one last time.  I guess that time is gone.

And with it, my laughter has gone.

 

 

Not A Life, No Real Options

The reality was lost to me the day I understood the deception.

The store was not a real store, but a set.

The man was not a real man since he was the front for the real man/men.

I have been living in a virtual bubble since then.  Well, technically since before that terrible man deception.  Living in a virtual bubble without any life.

A person has to have separation in their life.  If every single second of their life they were working the mind would just collapse upon itself.

You have to have different spaces, different kinds of life – a work life, a home life, a personal life, a social life, a family, a husband, etc.

It is the only way a person can exist.

If a person is stuck, or caught in a never-ending loop – THEY WOULD GO INSANE AND DIE!

If a person has no means to control their own destiny or future, or are able to have any separation – to turn off work, to turn off…well, anything really – if they are NOT allowed their own mind and their own personal mind space – THEY WOULD GO INSANE AND DIE!

It is just the way God designed our bodies to violate, corrupt, and try to control it any other means has nothing but the most self-destructive consequences.

I have had my keys stolen and copied.  I have had my personal information shared without my consent.  I have had – not my virtual life, but my real life stolen.

I no longer write anymore.  The only thing I write here is the wrong and terrible done to me as a way to try to correct it.  But, this is not writing, nor is it the writing I would ever do if I was able to live my life – NOT IN A VIRTUAL BUBBLE.

My daily life is scrutinized.  Do I park my car this way or another way.  The problem is that none of the options for me to park my car are valid!

I try to get away from the Google glasses that have virtually raped me without my permission or consent.  I try to get away from the stupid back seat driver – NEVER WANTED! 

I cannot even park in my own garage because I do not have the equipment or money to be able to change that strike plate, nor is that car a valid option underneath me!!!

So, I am unable to live a life.

I have no future.  There is no way to actually plan, and live a life where you set goals, make plans, set a path for the future.  Because my EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY since those terrible Google dates has been nothing more than having terrible problems happen to me and then correct the mistakes that others have forced upon me.

I don’t want Google, or Google glasses in my life.  I don’t want coded messages and that STUPID FUCKING HAND JIVE coded crap in my life.  I don’t want to drive in endless, stupid car game mazes.  I don’t want to have to walk in STUPID MAZES!!

I want to be able to live and live well!

However, what has been proven to me being in control of my own life is no longer available to me, which truly means I can no longer continue trying to wake up in the morning.

You take away a person ability to make and create their own thoughts – you take away their very existence.

Going off of that thought I have ceased to exist since 2014.

No one can imagine the terrible daily life I have been forced to live.

Even if you can hear what a person is thinking as they are thinking it – you CANNOT feel what it is like to live their experience.

P.S. In case you were wondering, I no longer wish to seduce you.  Any way, it should always be the man to take the lead and seduce the woman first.  But, you have lost that from me – if it was ever there at all.

Deadline Set

My bladder is so messed up today.

Right now, I am feeling I wished I had never worked for Home Depot before.

Can you imagine living a life where for more than two years you were not even able to have a single friend?!

Can you imagine a life where for more than two years you were not even able to go and have any kind of life besides work which was 24 hours a day even while you were sleeping?!

Living the way I have been made to live is like living in solitary confinement.

California Calls

Just when my mind is full and over-flowing bursting with writing, stories, and life – California calls as if it is the center of the entire world more important than anything else in that moment.  Blocking my path, my energy, and stopping all creativity in me like a mind-fucking-ruiner-of-all-things as though I am a something to be controlled rather than the someONE that I am.

Adding labels on me, placing judgements upon me, stealing my stories and replacing it with their own rather than letting me tell and show the story of me and watch the beauty of it as it unfolds.

You know, a good leader, a good management style, a good man does not shove you from behind to watch you stumble as you go.  It does not push you to the edge to watch you fall into the abyss.  It does not steal, debase, or manipulate you into something that isn’t real.

A good man supports,  learns from his mistakes rectifies and apologizes for them.

A few years ago while I was at work, a co-worker asked to see the ring I was wearing.  As I handed it to her I explained how I was trying to keep the time I took care of my mother close to me by wearing her ring.  What I did not explain is that everything in my life had turned into chaos, destruction, juevinille-stupid-games as if the illusions from which I had been living were entirely striped away from my eyes, and I saw everyone playing their part wearing their disguises.  I saw them past the colored contacts, fake bellies, and colored skins.  I played my part as I saw I was cast in a role I didn’t ask for or want, but I knew of no other way to be sane than to continue their charade.

Yet, it was SO destructive to me – understanding I was in a false reality, a charade of stars and unknowns that I was trying to cling to the last memory I had of when I had a positive outlook on the future, saw possibility, and wanted me to share the greatness of me, and the gifts I have.  More than anything else, I wanted to return to the time when I wanted a man to love for the rest of my life who wanted to love me for the rest of his life.  Because once I had the love of a good man who wanted me and to keep me as his for the rest of his life than everything else would fall into place as it should be.

Taking control of my mental state I determined that remembrances such as a ring would help me to return and stay in the moment.

When she handed my ring back to me, it was not the same.  It was a fake and a counterfeit.  Since, I was playing along with this fake store reality I had no idea how to demand she return what was mine back to me.

By the way, Rachmaninoff is so sexual to me.  I find him so passionate, consuming, makes me want to devoure the man flesh.

Away I go.

Claustrophobic Surround

Just when I think I can’t possibly have any more loss in my life it happens again.  Everything and everyone I love gets taken or stolen away from me.

The pressure that I have been living with and under is excruciating.  Fighting to survive because of the constant pressure surrounding me.

Feeling beaten up from battling sides each claiming me, yet neither one helping me or there for me.  With no one apologizing or making up to me for the harm they have caused.  Then, on the other hand I don’t know how many times I have to say no to keep people away and out of my life.

I was never fighting.  I was just trying to survive.  And, I am so very tired of being pushed.

This house feels so tiny.  It is really only big enough for one person and barely any furniture.  I feel it smothering me.

It is so depressing here.