Ending

Life simply just does not exist here – where I am.

I am not used to living this way.  My whole life I’ve had living things around me in my home, my life, etc.

This is like living in some hotel with no personality or personal effects.  Actually, it is worse than living in a hotel because a hotel would have more personal effects and furniture.

I understand now why people don’t want to live in a place where they share walls with other people.

Looking for a photograph today, I came across pictures of me as a child reminding me of the very real pain that I can never bear children.  I couldn’t help thinking I would have had beautiful children.  A part of me I will not be able to have carry on.

Something else, looking at myself through the years – if no one else could – I saw the changes that happened.  My early childhood you could see the innocence, pure joy, and happiness not only on my face, but it affected others in the photographs as well.

Then, we moved.

Dramatically my face changed and altered.  Whether or not I was smiling my face is burdened with weight.

The first time we moved it was because my father had decided he was going to go to seminary school.  He didn’t even last a semester before dropping out entirely and never returned to school again.

The greatest memory of that time I have is him teaching my brother and I the Greek alphabet.  Quite honestly, I’m not sure he taught us, or I persisted in knowing about what he was doing until he thought of something that would keep me quiet.

We had a life and a home before we moved.  It takes years to build a life and a home.  People, friends, family members, and a home which is more than just things.  It is the memories you build and keep building your life around.

The move was very dramatic.  The strain on my parents marriage never seemed to leave me or my face.

I know my mother did not wish to die married to my father.  Decades she tried to divorce him.  Churches convincing her it was her duty as a christian woman to stay married.  Even after her strokes what she wrote about endlessly was divorcing and being divorced from my father.

I believe she decided in her heart that she was divorced.

No one but my brother might understand the truth I am writing.

My mother did not want to die married to my father.

In a way, I feel I let her down since I was not able to help her carry out her wish for a divorce.

My father should have divorced my mother since they did not live as husband and wife since I was very young.  He has/had many other women if not families.  He knew she did not wish to stay married to him –  he chose the cowards way and did nothing.  More importantly, he chose not to honor her wishes.

The sins of the parents, the problems they try to cover up in their marriage do not exist with just two people.  It affects the entire family outside even the immediate.

Problems in a marriage cannot be fixed quickly, but if and when problems in a marriage happen and they cannot be fixed leaving the problems to fester and cause further damage creates a ripple effect through the whole of society.  Like open wounds that ooze and puss, a band-aid will neither heal or help them.

A divorce probably would have meant other problems.  However, not addressing a problem, pretending what is real is not real and what isn’t real is real, not listening to the problem or concern, not taking your own ego out of the equation to hear the other person even if it is at the expense of your own heartbreak it is nothing more than a childish and juvenile notion of marriage and love.

When an ending needs to happen choosing to pretend otherwise is damaging for all persons involved.  It can also create some serious fatalities.

I have loved more than one man even at the expense of my own heartbreak.  Because as long as he was happy and had a full life, how could I not be happy for him in return?!

Perhaps not everyone loves the way I do – deeply and profoundly.

When it is real – it is real.  When it is not, no matter how many times you try asking it will never be.

Love and marriage can never be a metaphor – for there is no truth that can live in a metaphor.

Here I am absolutely isolated from the entire world.  It is an existence that has no depth or dimension.  I would never purposely choose this life, nor would I ever chose to give this life to any person.

My reality altered the day I understood the store I was working in was not real.  Since then, I see no possibility for a future, or happiness, or a life.  For it is not possible with this existence.

The day that car crashed into mine has altered me dramatically.

I will not continue to believe in a virtual possibility.  I know for certain, I cannot continue the same way the last few years have gone.

I feel my days are numbered.  I feel the end of my existence ever closer.  I feel a door closing where there should be a future.  That is a problem for me, as I have never lived without planning and having plans for the future – that has all gone from me long ago.

 

Fake Starbucks

What do you do when you believed in a man, trusted a man, fought for a man, and it turns out he is the source of every dream that now lays in ruins, and damaged beyond repair?!

What do you do when that has happened more than once or twice?!

I have no desire to go back to living to where I was before.  Just as I have no desire to have returned here once I left.

When I moved here…I should not have.

It is not that one location was better than the other.  It is simply this – living here and living this experience – this falsified Starbucks life has been so terrible there is no way to completely describe it.

No one can understand what it feels like to lose the plasticity of your mind and brain power.  It is an exhaustion that I can only describe as aging well beyond my years – more like decades beyond my years.

I honestly see no way to continue in this manner.

“The evil that men do lives after them.” – Thoreau

When a woman is no longer in control of her own mind and body she ceases to exist.  Her spirit, her soul – died.  Perished with the loss of her thinking matter.

Today reached a point for me.  The seamless 360 degrees of the life around me have surpassed their time.

It is time.

Not A Life, No Real Options

The reality was lost to me the day I understood the deception.

The store was not a real store, but a set.

The man was not a real man since he was the front for the real man/men.

I have been living in a virtual bubble since then.  Well, technically since before that terrible man deception.  Living in a virtual bubble without any life.

A person has to have separation in their life.  If every single second of their life they were working the mind would just collapse upon itself.

You have to have different spaces, different kinds of life – a work life, a home life, a personal life, a social life, a family, a husband, etc.

It is the only way a person can exist.

If a person is stuck, or caught in a never-ending loop – THEY WOULD GO INSANE AND DIE!

If a person has no means to control their own destiny or future, or are able to have any separation – to turn off work, to turn off…well, anything really – if they are NOT allowed their own mind and their own personal mind space – THEY WOULD GO INSANE AND DIE!

It is just the way God designed our bodies to violate, corrupt, and try to control it any other means has nothing but the most self-destructive consequences.

I have had my keys stolen and copied.  I have had my personal information shared without my consent.  I have had – not my virtual life, but my real life stolen.

I no longer write anymore.  The only thing I write here is the wrong and terrible done to me as a way to try to correct it.  But, this is not writing, nor is it the writing I would ever do if I was able to live my life – NOT IN A VIRTUAL BUBBLE.

My daily life is scrutinized.  Do I park my car this way or another way.  The problem is that none of the options for me to park my car are valid!

I try to get away from the Google glasses that have virtually raped me without my permission or consent.  I try to get away from the stupid back seat driver – NEVER WANTED! 

I cannot even park in my own garage because I do not have the equipment or money to be able to change that strike plate, nor is that car a valid option underneath me!!!

So, I am unable to live a life.

I have no future.  There is no way to actually plan, and live a life where you set goals, make plans, set a path for the future.  Because my EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY since those terrible Google dates has been nothing more than having terrible problems happen to me and then correct the mistakes that others have forced upon me.

I don’t want Google, or Google glasses in my life.  I don’t want coded messages and that STUPID FUCKING HAND JIVE coded crap in my life.  I don’t want to drive in endless, stupid car game mazes.  I don’t want to have to walk in STUPID MAZES!!

I want to be able to live and live well!

However, what has been proven to me being in control of my own life is no longer available to me, which truly means I can no longer continue trying to wake up in the morning.

You take away a person ability to make and create their own thoughts – you take away their very existence.

Going off of that thought I have ceased to exist since 2014.

No one can imagine the terrible daily life I have been forced to live.

Even if you can hear what a person is thinking as they are thinking it – you CANNOT feel what it is like to live their experience.

P.S. In case you were wondering, I no longer wish to seduce you.  Any way, it should always be the man to take the lead and seduce the woman first.  But, you have lost that from me – if it was ever there at all.

Mental Abuse And Rape

Screamed at the top of my lungs for help until I was spitting up blood yesterday.

No help ever came just the same damn bullshit again.

I am so sick of this black and white bullshit I see everywhere I turn!

For me it has never been black and white nor will it ever be black and white no matter what someone tries to make my life be, no matter how anyone tries to trick and manipulate my surroundings it WILL NEVER BE BLACK AND WHITE – EVER!!!

No matter how anyone tries to make me believe – it will NEVER be the BACK SEAT – it will never be BLACK AND WHITE!!

I went to the dealership to have my car key replaced and straightened out.  I was simply trying to be out of the way from people who are either dosing me with air freshener or directing me as to how, where, and when I will drive, yet somehow I am always made to feel the loser.

Who knew my life would end the day I went to work for a store?!  But, that is what is what happened.

I worked for The Container Store for nearly two years.

It was just a store.  And, I bought into it.

I stuck-up for those persons I thought needed extra attention, motivation, love, and encouragement – I went out of my way to help persons who seemed to need it.

Because of my time employed and served at The Container Store my entire life has ended.

Because of what happened my last year there I had to sever all ties I had with any persons I had made friends with as a means to protect myself.

Beginning December 2013 I have not been able to have a single friend, or friendship, or relationship, or boyfriend.  I have not even been able to go into a store and have a conversation with anyone because EVERYONE treats me as if they already know me.

How could that possibly be?!

I cannot even drive down the street without being told and shown turn this street, drive this lane, park in this space.

How can that possibly be?!

What I am about to tell you seems unlikely, yet it is true.

I went to the dentist.  I was told I needed a root canal, for which I paid.  But what I received was more than porcelain enamel what I got was a receiver in my tooth that could and does relay what I am thinking to a “someone” I do not know.  More importantly, this person who is able to hear my thoughts is also able to return speech to my brain, relay pictures, and worse send pain in my body.

If you could possibly imagine that a person is able to hear a person’s thoughts you cannot possibly imagine how incredibly intimate that experience is to live through as I have had to endure more than two years of people – not just A person – but, many random people have used and abused my tooth radio.

If you think of it this way, if you know the story Twilight where the werewolves are able to hear each other’s thoughts it would be along the same lines.  However, unlike the Twilight story where the werewolves all know each other, know each other’s voices, and can hear, know, and understand who is talking in their head, I do not know who is in my head talking back to me and it changes all the time.

If you can imagine the possibility of someone talking and hearing your thoughts – I tell you again – it is SO MUCH MORE personal and intimate than having sex with someone.

You invite someone to have sex with you.  It is consensual.  I never have agreed, accepted, allowed, or in any way permitted anyone to hear my thoughts, be in my head, or have any control over my body – I’ll get to more of that later.

While working at The Container Store, I trusted every single person there.  So much so that I never even locked my locker while at work.  What happened, believe it or not, was that allowed persons to make copies of my keys, examine the contents of my purse including all of my credit cards, go through my phone, and worse still it gave them access to my house while I was at work.

How they did it all I cannot tell you.  I can tell you this, however the windows, ceiling, fans, and walls all make noises all on their own.  Dings, pings, booms, and bangs.  The televisions were able to see me while I was watching the television.  The ceiling exhaust fans seem to have a microphone to be able to hear and record what is going on in my house.  My internet and computer is watched and recorded.  The electricity is tapped into and manipulated.  The fire alarms have recording camera’s; the mirrors all have cameras in them as well.  I’ve done everything I could to cover up all cameras, recording devices and everything and anything that violates my privacy.

I am forced to live here because I cannot afford to live elsewhere.

I never agreed to live while being recorded, televised, or in any way shape or form listened in on, listened to while thinking, or document my life as it is happening, filmed or watched while driving, or in any way shape or form do I wish to be in the public eye, on television, in a movie, have a photo montage, or in any way shape or form have my life exploited.

I was made to believe that I was on television, a part of a movie, under contract and in fact going to be paid for my work – that has never happened.  How could it?!

I played along with it believing I was a part of something.  How could I do otherwise when they are able to control everything else that goes on around me.

I kept it a secret – so to speak – because I was unable to say – STOP!  I don’t WANT THIS!  Leave me alone!

EVERY single person I’ve spoken with even as a cashier at a store has had a name of someone I’ve previously known.

Again, I say, I have not been able to have a single friend, relationship, or boyfriend since 2013.

Can you imagine being able to live that long with a single friend, or communication of any sort with anyone beyond your own mind?!  It is like being in solitary confinement for all these years.  It is like working and being worked over 24 hours a day 365 days a year because even while I am sleeping someone is able to enter my mind and tell me things, and dreams that when I awake I know the difference that it is NOT my dreams or dreaming, to wake me and disturb my sleep.  Consequently, it is torture.

Could you possibly imagine what that would and could do to a person’s mental state?!

In addition, I have laid down on my bed, exhausted and worn-out trying to get sleep and rest, and have virtually been raped!

I have laid down on my bed and had the sensation of pressure on my body as though someone was laying on top of me, and as if someone was able to push a cum button where your body instantly and automatically makes you wet in that instant someone entered my mind, felt the pressure, I was made wet – NOT OF MY CHOSING!!!!!!!!!

Bodies are mechanical.  Just because you are made wet does NOT MEAN YOU WANT OR DESIRE IT!!!

I, in no way agreed, consented, wanted, or in any way shape or form wanted to be virtually fucked, have my thoughts listened to and receive what someone else was saying in return, have my house monitored, filmed or recorded in any way.

I have in no way EVER wanted to follow clues, be turned down and around certain paths and mazes, drive in endless circles, hear, listen and see coded messages, or have my grocery store shopping recorded.  Nor, did I ever give permission to have the purchases I’ve made been turned into a contest of who and which I would consume or wear.

I have gone along with it as long as I have because I believed it was a job.  I believed it was a job I was going to be paid.

I BELIEVED IT WAS GOING TO END!!!!

The latest thing that has happened is someone being able to push a pee button and drops of pee come out so my pants are made wet while I am working.  Then, they have also made it so my arms are filled with pins and needles sensation – it is the most painful.

I cannot imagine that I will have a job much longer once I have shared this with the internet.  But, who really cares when you are no longer able to have any sort of life whatsoever living virtually in solitary confinement.

After today, it was confirmation to me as I broke down from the sheer stress of just driving to UPS that I cannot and will not go back to work or continue living this life.

To go back a second, in March of 2014 I on three separate occasions dated a man I was not sexually attracted to, but wanting to have a life I dated him because I am a woman who needs a man in her life.  I knew there was something off about him once I met him.  However, due to an unfair advantage “they” have because of the tooth I continued (in misery) to date him on three separate occasions.  “He” was merely a stooge or a body as there was another person watching and monitoring the date(s) while in my home.  As I understand it, the dates went David, James, David.  So, ever since those horrible “dates” I have been in hell having to relive – is it, 1, 2 or 3 – every single FUCKING day while neither David or James talk or communicate in person to me as a friend or normal person.

It is nothing more than script being written daily with no MAN apart of my physically life.  Other than, this mind fucking that – AGAIN – I neither agreed to, consented, allowed, or in any way permitted to happen.

Consequently, I have had my entire life stolen.

I have even had imposters, or actors play the parts of my family.  On numerous occasions persons played the part of my mother.  Therefore, killing her as it severed all means of being able to communicate with her.  My own brother has been played by imposters and actors.  To my great horrification my father has used coded messages.  It is utterly humiliating.

Because of the tooth radio I’ve heard not from my natural voice and been called terrible names, put down, insulted, and made to feel worthless.

It has been a constant battle within my mind but NOT of my own choosing.

Therefore, I have not been able to have any sort of functioning life.  TWO plus years of not being able to have a single friend or conversation.  Every single conversation I’ve had has been direction as if they are part of a script or movie.  Even the bird noises outside my window are fake and canned and played on cue.

The depth of my sanity and endurance has reached its end as I have had too many mental breakdowns just trying to cope.

It has been as if I’ve lived in a virtual bubble since 2013 with no communication with the outside world.

Can you possibly imagine what that would be like to live through?!

In addition, I have said previously my own pets were used by means of silent whistles, etc. to pee, act inappropriately, destroy furniture and property, and cry as a means to humiliate, torture, and exhaust my mental state to which I had to surrender them to my brother.

I was even forced AGAINST MY WILL to not sit at my brother’s side at his own wedding which I believed to be faked and NOT A REAL wedding.  They might have a marriage certificate however, the person my brother is married to has been played by a different person each time I see him the size, shape, and color of him changes every time I see him.

Who could possibly go so many years without a single friend or even a boyfriend?!

It has been nothing but years of mental torture, rape and molestation, and my life stolen and taken away from me.

I will take the means necessary to be at peace.

I cannot continue playing along.

I understand there is no one to rescue me.

I understand this will not end.

But, I CANNOT continue to allow this to be my life when I am not even able to think and create my own thoughts, and my body is not my own to control.

The only thing that stopped me while I was screaming at the top of my lungs for help was missing the chance to tell people how terrible, violating, perverted, and forced upon me these last few years has been.  Otherwise, I was set to end my life.

No Life Here

What little men know about women.  They think one orgasm will save them from the brink of their own destruction.

Can you imagine what it would be like to have your internet connection hi-jacked and manipulated?!

Can you imagine what it would be like to live with someone else in control of your electricity, so they could make noises and keep you up while you are trying to sleep.  Buzz you through your ceiling fan?!

No one listens to me.

My poppa is not a part of my life as far as I am concerned.

So I have to do what I have to do in order to have some eternal relief.

Deadline Set

My bladder is so messed up today.

Right now, I am feeling I wished I had never worked for Home Depot before.

Can you imagine living a life where for more than two years you were not even able to have a single friend?!

Can you imagine a life where for more than two years you were not even able to go and have any kind of life besides work which was 24 hours a day even while you were sleeping?!

Living the way I have been made to live is like living in solitary confinement.

Home Is Private:OFF LIMITS

Walking through freshly spilled horse piss trying to reach the door of the station, I remembered I had once written about horses.

The feeling of the wind blowing through my hair waving it like a flag, the sensation of muscles strong, the word-less expressions that speak volumes.  I love horses and riding horses.

However, I wrote once that like a wild horse that runs, I will always return.

The truth is I was being followed.

Everyone I went.  Unlike some people I actually protect those I care about, so we’ll call him Steve.  Nearly every single day I saw Steve.

For reasons I won’t disclose – let’s just say Facebook fucked me – I chose to recognize Steve, but not acknowledge him.

Simply put, I wrote I would return because I wanted to understand and be understood.

That no longer applies anymore, in fact it never did if truth be told.

I could give two flying fuck’s in the wind anymore.  I won’t and can’t pretend anymore.

The saying goes – You can never return Home again.  Truth.

When I left to get the fuck away from this neighborhood, I was told to go.

Had I been able to leave prepared, I would never have returned wanting to kill myself every single day.

The accident would not have happened.

I would be so much fuller instead of drained of all creativity, desire, passion, and my beautiful outlook on life.

To have someone take your writing, pervert and bastardize it is a terrible injustice to me.

To Set The Song Straight

A little while ago someone tried to get me to believe in pursuing the life of a superhero as a role to play.

As if that could ever be a possibility?!

My first reaction – utter bullshit!

I would love to say that I enjoy being right, however I do not – not like this.

Here’s why: I shouldn’t have to keep proving this shit to begin with!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, I wasn’t fooled for a minute.  No judgement.

I will say this – Thank God Ryan Reynolds and TJ were funny, or the whole movie would have been a loss.

To say again – I got nothing from them.

I don’t know how many times I have to say this: It only works one way with me.

You tap into a person’s brain through a receiver in a tooth – trust me, it is possible.

SO TIRED OF SECRETS AND DUMB FUCKING GAMES

Mind fuck a person, deceive them, try to alter their hard-wired-God-designed-nature and all you will find is that it is not possible to change what is already hard-wired.

I worked for Disney a while ago, and what I enjoyed about it was getting the phone calls from people who needed extra care.  The people who had special needs children or adults, or make-a-wish last journeys, or ADA rooms.  Being able to tell those people not only did I understand in part the extra effort they had to put forward into their life, I was going to make sure their journey would be taken care of.  So, they didn’t have to have any extra worry or effort during their stay.

The second time I worked for Disney, it couldn’t possibly have changed any more drastically.  It was the worst experience in my life.  I wouldn’t wish that experience on my worst enemy!

I have never been so tortured, mentally abused, physically assaulted, hurt and damaged, and wronged.

It is an experience to forgive, but never forget.

You know, for a moment I almost believed in it James.  However, it is only a movie after all.  A movie is not the same as real life.

Good-bye.  Please accept my resignation, James Franco.

I shouldn’t have to keep proving this, I shouldn’t have my thoughts tapped into, I shouldn’t have to live this way.  No one would be able to live this way.

I need a tooth extraction!