The purpose for sleep is to allow your brain to repair and regrow tissues, to build bone and muscle, and to strengthen the immune system.
When this is disrupted it sends the entire order and balance in these bodies God designed out of whack.
Since, the tooth radio has been installed in me, I have had my sleep interrupted every single day.
Can you imagine what that can do to a person over years of not being allowed the normal function of what their own body was designed to do?!
The possibility that people have access to my thinking as it is being thought exists, but NO ONE has any concept of LIVING the experience. Nor, does anyone have any idea what it has cost me emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.
Which begs the response, just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should do something.
I used to think I was an insomniac – it was just the way I could explain, I do not get good restful sleep – because after I placed my mother in a nursing home I thought I would finally make up for all those years of sleep deprived nights, and rest, and repair.
My whole entire being had been on high alert while taking care of her. My mind, body, every single nerve ending on high alert making sure I was there the moment my mother needed help.
The best way I can explain it: It was like being a solider in battle. I was removed from everyday life – as the majority of the population are not care-givers, nor do they have an understanding or comprehension to the life of a care-giver. So, when I finally was able to give the care of my mother to a nursing home, I thought my mind and body would relax. And rest. And do everything I had wanted to do whilst taking care of her, but was unable to do so.
Just as a side note: I ended that last sentence with “so” because I did not want to end the sentence with the preposition “to” which would be poor writing. Remembering “to” as a preposition because I played “to” the preposition at a school assembly. I think it was the only time I did well at that Christian school, since I was kicked out or asked to leave there. They were not prepared or equipped to manage a dyslexic student, especially an auditorily dyslexic with a high reading comprehension. Even public high school was at a loss as how to manage a student who could read at such a high level tested years beyond my grade level, but get lost during lectures. It has taken me years to find a way to get my brain to work with the standardized norm.
Whoops, rambled for a moment.
Another side, but must be said: Today the world at large tried to make me feel bad for ordering a pizza. I had a coupon for a free pizza and I am broke – yet, again. So, I ordered the pizza, so that I didn’t have to go another day of eating celery and apples because that is the only food I have left. I was made to believe that I was asking to gain weight because I ordered pizza. I am so sick and tired of being mocked, and having my existence controlled by purchases instead of just being allowed to actually live.
I have literally starved myself to near death just to prove a point and claim my innocence.
I am simply trying to live.
My life since The Container Store has been a series of jobs. I will never completely be able to describe the terribleness of those jobs. The place I work for currently is the place I should have been able to go to from The Container Store.
When I first started at The Container Store, the store hadn’t opened yet, we were in training. We stood in a large circle in the store while a trainer was talking. A woman, I’ll call her Sue, stood beside me so close she was nearly touching me. I thought to myself, uh ok. Then, she put her arm around my shoulder very tightly. I was at once on high alert. If my face didn’t show it my body was trying to shrink out of her hold as I was thinking, What the fuck just happened. At the same time I had no judgement or preconceived notion of her intention. I’ve just never had a woman hit on me – that I recall. If that was her intention or what happened. I have no idea. It just creeped me out. My entire reaction was, Eeeww, yuck, and gross!
It was all a set-up. To discover my trigger points and discover my reactions.
I will say this my departure from The Container Store and everything including my jobs has been very poorly planned. Ninety-five percent of which has been completely unneccessary!
The first job after The Container Store I was forced to only use one door to exit and enter, otherwise I would never have used that door. I still have no idea what my job was there as it seems they were still develpoing my job as it went which is a terrible mistake.
That gentleman helping me with my air-conditioner was a defining moment. However, I would never have stayed at that job had I not been conditioned to do so from the previous job.
Walking into the Starbucks, seeeing that gentleman with his laptop was another defining moment for me. It made me believe in the possibility of my employment.
It is a shame so much bad and terrible happened previously, since it has and is effecting my entire life still. My current employment should have had the longest duration. However, the time must be cut short. My life is at stake.
I walked into a dealership today to get my key straightened out since it has been stolen. Quite honestly, I went back a third time to make a point and name the person I believed should be in charge of helping me.
I know a person, or persons use a key to gain access to the contents of my car. They spray accelerants – could be drugs for all I know in my car. I believed I was walking into a door where the television could not see me, I feel tricked. I am so tired of having to duck under and get out of the way of everyone’s television just so I can have my life back – to me.
Needless to say, my attempt to gain access and control over everything in my life – failed. I have to replace everything the key touches in order to keep someone who stole my keys, my life, and my identity. On top of which, actually planted false evidence in my own home as a means to control me. Based on what evidence they chose to plant that evidence, I have no idea.
They told the story first as a way to control me which was not my story.
I know this post may appear criptic and out of context. Saying something without actually speaking about something which is why my reality at the moment is fundamentally flawed.
No one can live in a virtual bubble without friends, relatives, family, and for me without a boyfriend or husband. No one can live rushing from appointment to appointment, fixing one problem only to have another problem created, to fix that problem, only to have another problem to fix, etc. It is not a life.
I was not meant to return to a pond, nor was I meant to be walked to death. Isn’t that why he left that job?!
I want to live, but at the moment I see no alternative.
WE - DO NOT AGREE! 